I did an exercise; I wrote a journal that my dad could have written. The first paragraph is very close to his thoughts and feelings. In fact, he said most of them verbally in his suffering. I was tempted to make this while he was still alive but there was no resolution, it was just raw negative emotion.
In this, I chose to do a second paragraph based on where he would have been, if he had full clarity of thought and mind. Some believe that when you go to the afterlife, you will be able to have this full knowledge and understanding. It is almost healing to know that if he somehow made it there, that he will be fully at peace with the way things happened in the harder parts of life and towards the end of his life.
I also did this for people that are suffering with these thoughts, there is a way out and it is not by escaping it. I did this for men and women in relationships, that can’t move on, there is another way. In addition to the relationship part, understand that those you break up with, can have intense struggles. I lastly did this for those that are in the midst of loss, like I am. In fact, I encourage you do something similar and to journal it out as I have because, sometimes that is the best way to get your feelings out.
I hope by posting this, it may help people to address pain or know that they are not alone in their struggle.
Please read both paragraphs, don’t stop at the first one. And know that help is always there, the struggle is real but you are never alone. There are more people than you know.
Please make this pain stop. Why did she leave me? I am I that fu*king pathetic? I am that worthless to her? I can’t stop this pain, why can’t anyone help me make it go away? I can’t live like this. What have I become? I don’t know who or what I am anymore. Please let me have her back. If she doesn’t come back, I will die. I can’t fight it or stop it anymore. My son loves me but he can’t put up with me and it seems like he is getting further and further away, he does not even try anymore. I am done, I am so fu*king done. I can’t make this stop, I love her so much.. Why can’t she just come back, I will show her how much I have changed. Can’t she see that, doesn’t she understand how much I have changed? I just need her back; I need my family back. I am nothing without them. I don’t care what people say, my heart won’t let her go. I can’t move on without her and I can’t be alone anymore. I can’t be by myself, I am so messed up. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take the pain anymore. I need to be free from this.
The curtain has been lowered and a new up has been drawn. A new act is beginning and a new light has dawned in the darkness. I have complete awareness and understanding. How could I have been so selfish. I could not see it then, but I see it now. Life is about others and how I can help them. I was only focused on how they could help me. I really want her to be happy in her life now. I am so happy that she made a healthy choice for herself. I could not see the challenges she was facing and what she was going through. I am proud of my son for being so strong. I put many weights on him that he should have never had to carry. If I would have only known, the things I know now, how much things would have changed. How much I would have changed. Part of me is glad for her and my son, they endured a challenge and while it was hard, they pushed through it. So many people in my family and many people that I knew, just gave in. They avoided the conflict and allowed me to have a false sense of self and control. But her and my son, while they took the very life out of me, they helped me to see my faults and struggles that I should have addressed a long time ago. There are many things, I wish I could take back but I am glad that I helped them to grow and that now they can move on in peace. There are many things that I now understand that they will struggle with in the future but I know now, that they are strong and that they will meet the challenges in life because they will have willpower and ability to make the choices that no matter how hard life throws at them. I love them and now I am peace with them and at peace with myself.