I'm sure this is just my current insecurity, I have it a number of times where out of nowhere I start to question if the people around me actually feel like they need me in the friend group, I suppose it's just the fear of not being needed.
It's not like I feel entirely worthless or anything, I just feel like when in a conversation my opinion is heard by people but not necessarily taken on board or that because of how I don't do what others do, I become the last to be chosen for a majority of activities, making me a less valuable asset to friend groups.
I mean, examples of what make me think I become a less valued friend in the groups is-
-I can't go to group outings because my family are worried about my epilepsy and if the friends are responsible
-I can't drive
-I don't get drunk like the others
-I don't smoke or vape, the only drugs I do are for my epilepsy and insomnia
The only thing I really have going for me is my attention to detail and enthusiasm for giving advice, I'm not even very familiar with most of the others tastes in music and their enthusiasm for cars. I don't see why you have to have the same tastes to be friends and they get along with me and I get along with them but I feel like because the others drive and the others can walk down to shops with them, they don't really hang out with me as much and somewhat find me to be more of a person that just pops up sometimes and not really a friend that comes to mind as much.
When I graduated, one of the friends stayed behind as long as me and he seemed very glad to stay with me, it almost seemed like he was happier to be just the two of us because all the others went home immediately after. While we both chilled in the smoking shelter, we talked about our plans for next year and how we hoped to see each other again, he actually made me really happy, making me feel valued in the group and now I think that what is happening is when in a group all together, there are too many talking all at once that they can't fixate on one person which means I am often the one that isn't noticed, but when they are with me one at a time, they actually enjoy my company.
I still find it painful though, being in a group and being the chosen one to be ignored, I don't even know if I will see them again because they might be doing different things next year but I know the guy who was nice to me is coming back next year so that's good.
Not going to lie, I met a lot of people during this course who I started at the beginning of the year telling myself that I won't get too close to out of fear that I will get hurt when we part at the end of the year, stupidly I ended up being around them for too long and now I am missing more people again. I hate this feeling and if I could, I would rather spend my time in courses not getting so close to people, I try every time and every year but it's almost impossible when you are spending a whole year with them...
The longest I have ever managed to stay to myself is 4 months, people spoke to me only when we handed out assignments and when they needed to borrow pencils, it was only when I had to ask one of them to tell the teacher I would be late due to reasons that it ended up getting close and things got closer and I ended up getting hurt again which sucks so bad.
I bought items off some people in the class too, so now I have these things in my room which will only ever remind me of each person...FFS why am I like this and why can't I just stay to myself to avoid so much pain?
If it serves as a good example, the amount of times I get out the house with friends is about 3 times a year and amount of friends I have lost the ability to meet up with is about 25 due to them going abroad or joining a University and also, another example is probably that when some of the users on this website left, I almost cried, so imagine how bad I hurt when a friend in the flesh leaves...
Ughh....This sucks really bad...
I think the closest friends I have are ones online because they are always available and always replying quick, while the friends from college are often busy doing other things which is upsetting to a level but I try, I still try to see a brighter side of things...
I mean, I wrote a Mytake before, asking why I have to live a life with so much misfortune, but my theory is that, for every bit of misfortune, you get stronger and more accustomed to that which causes you trouble, making it less effective on you and easier to handle.
I value my friends a lot but because I am afraid of losing more people in my life, I always become more and more shut in every year because each year I say "Maybe it will be different" but with each year I learn more and each year I become more and more reserved, I think next year might be the nail in the coffin and I might become a total silent student because it might be the only way of avoiding this terrible feeling.
Shout out to the people I miss on the website-
Hapinus
Revolver
Shimy
ThePundertaker
To avoid being too deep, I'm going to finish it off here, don't want to be adding unnecessary stuff so why add more right?
Cheers for reading and take care!
~TheSnekHandler
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