What’s Tiger Moms and How to Identify One

[Emma_240302]

If you’re from Asia, you must be familiar with this. If not, be patient with me and I run you through it.

Tiger moms are what we like to call a hot tempered, perfection seeking, and in some ways, toxic mom.

Living my life with one, I’d like to share the traits these moms possessed.

1. They’re demanding.

They’d use their authority to order you around, make you learn things you’re not interested in, and demand you to learn respect ( Hence, most Asian are shown to be shy and unable to communicate well in fear of saying the wrong things )

2. They expect good grades from you.

As an Asian, grades are important than everything. It’s a way of showing they love you and want you to succeed in life. Of course, that also means they could brag about your grades to their friends. Google “mianzi” ( the concept of honor among Asians ) and you’ll know how important it is to Asian when it comes to comparing their children to others. Having to finish my diploma at the age of 13, I’ve seen my parents bragging about it.

3. They’re BAD at compliments or comforting speeches.

Let me run you through my childhood. Never in my life have my parents tell me they’re proud of me, nor have they ever comfort me during my saddest times. They have never apologise or even mumbled a single sorry when they do something wrong.

4. Depression is not a thing, in some cases.

Being in a stressful environment where I’m expected to get my degree and music exams faster than everyone, I would self harm. Yes, I’m ashamed of it. But instead of talking to me, the would threatened to send me away and disown me if I did it again. They would tell everyone about it and shame me publicly.

5. Physical abuse is okay.

I remember the days when I was a kid, I’d make mistakes ( spilling cups of water, doing math wrong etc.) and they would slap me in public, in front of the employees and people in the cafe. They would use a cane to hit me. Once my mom use a clothes iron to burn me. She had also slapped my face until my glasses breaks when I was 12.

6. Public outings are discouraged.

Up till date, I’ve never dated, never had my first kiss. It’s not to say I can’t find a boyfriend, I had people asked me out before, but I’m sure my parents would’ve disagree. They’d prefer I study instead of wasting my time with friends and boyfriends. I’m not allowed to have sleepovers.

7. They will try to control every aspects in your life.

Manipulative, you would say. Maybe. Till now, my phones will be kept by my parents with a screen time limit of 1 hour. My curfew is 9pm. I’m turning 18 this month FYI. When I try argue with them, they would guilt trip me like telling me by not sleeping early, I’ll disturb my sister and cause her lack of sleep ( she shares the same room as me ) and it’ll probably make her sick and so on. Hence, my sleeping time is the same as my little sister.

And here we are, there’s more to list but I’ll stop here. It’s not to say American parenting is the most efficient, but a balanced parenting between both Asian and American. After all, there’s no one right way to raise a child. Let me know what you guys think, and no hate, please.

[Anonymous]

It used to be like that for me too but I reported my mum to the school. I never felt so fucking bad in my life but it did stop her from hitting me from 10-13 she doesn't hit me frequently anymore but I do hit her back if she tries to. I always used to flinch whenever she'd move or get up. I used to put my hands in a X position and cower. I never liked to cry in front of my mum because she'd shout at me for it. I have severe trust issues emotionally because it's the usual oh single mum crap but I couldn't turn to mum either because she'd always tell other people. I remember when I got catcalled and she blamed it on me saying I enjoyed it I liked it and I was a whore. I was wearing a regular black t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Usually when I get catcalled outside my house I walk for an extra 10-15 minutes to make sure they're gone then I go in so they don't know where I live. But she just decided so shout at me to get in the house. She went over to confront a large group of men outside our home and I genuinely feared for her safety. So I left the house in hopes of calling a neighbour to help calm my mum down or get her to walk away so she can go cool off. When she saw me she lost her shit and the kind person that was trying to help was just stuck there. The men were long gone but here I was getting shouted at for trying to help her. She said I was a shame upon the family for my sexuality. Over time I have learnt I'm stronger than her and I shouldn't be afraid of her I have options. If i want to leave i can go stay with my brother my cousin or a friend. I have my own job so I can just leave. Deep down I know in her way she loves me. She has gotten much better at the whole not being a dick thing and I'm grateful for it. I'm not the best kid I can too be a cunt but we're both trying.

[Emma_240302]

Hey, we’re all trying to please our parents. But Asian parents aren’t good at positive reinforcement, when they hit you, means they love you ( that’s what most people say ). Don’t worry, you’ll pump through!

[Opinion Owner]

@Emma_240302 thanks but it's not so bad. I'm not that restricted. Some good stuff comes out of it like amazing grades discipline cooking skills. My mum just doesn't know how to show love properly but she tries through food and honestly the effort she puts in is incredible

[Nxtawm]

Omg I honestly related to this SO much, I'm really glad you wrote this but this shit needs to be talked about more. My mom shares pretty much those traits only being less in some (like the physical abuse, it happened more during childhood like one time I got beat with a sandal because I wanted to sleepover at my cousin's house, I was in first grade. Luckily it doesn't happen anymore but I'm definitely still afraid of being hit when my mom gets really angry). But this kind of upbringing really does ruin a person cause I have undiagnosed depression 😀 It's also the worst that these kind of parents don't realize how much of an effect their actions are, not even realizing how wrong it is at times. Like I feel uncomfortable as heck asking my mom for any sort of help aside from school related stuff (even if I'm in pain or hurting, I don't want to ask her for help). I'm slowly losing trust in her too. With this kind of upbringing, I'm also pretty isolated by her (she constantly tells me my friends are dogshit or that I don't need them, just school should be my focus). Going out is soooo restricted, I had a 8pm curfew (a few months ago) but now it's more like 6pm at the latest if I'm hanging out with friends. My first time hanging out with friends was as a 16 year old, never had a sleepover or been to one. I try to be careful of how often I ask my mom to hang out with friends because I don't want to hear her getting mad (it's like once every 2 weeks or once every month currently). But recently it's been getting even harder to hang out with friends ( I can't really see them in school either because I don't share any classes with them). I don't know I'm usually at school or just in my room by myself. Though I do have easy access to the Internet so that's a plus ig

[Emma_240302]

Yes! Don’t worry, we’ll both pump through, I’m sure in our parents heart they’re just protective and wants the best for us

[opnbuk59]

Sounds like they know it's a cruell world your going to enter and preparing you to survive in it, a bit harsh but you must understand the times she was raised in wasn't a good time so she is just a product of her generation where sacrifice discipline and hard times was all she knew hard to shake that off, not making excuses for her but when you have been conditioned all your life where it's be the best or suffer, I'm sure you are a stronger independent woman for it and will not raise your child in this way, American kids could use some of this discipline , structure instead they are coddled not properly prepared to go into the real world you survived think of what her child hood was like and she made you a better person not way I would have but she did what she thought was best only way she knew was not done out of malice or dislike lack of love for you she wanted you to succeed and be able to over come obstacles not give up or give in made you thewoman you are today

[Emma_240302]

Yes, I understand that they just want the best for me, and I still love my parents ;D

[Anonymous]

Okay, my parents are not that extreme (like the burning stuff), but they did push me to get good grades. I get why you might despise the fact that they went to that length, but at least for me, the push for good grades did help me in the end.

I kind of do wish though that they did take more initiative with my education earlier.

[Emma_240302]

True, I know that they just want the best for me

[HOAAH]

Hey, i loved this. I am Asian and hada tiger mom, and i am first generation American. My mom hit me a lot. She called me a ton of names. She was always manipulative and controlling. I developed anxiety, stress, and depression. I never had a boyfriend until i was out of the house for two years at 24. My grades were As but she still didn't say she was proud. I felt extremely shy. Everything i said or did was wrong, and bad according to her. It affected me a lot. I hope to not pass this to my kids. I try to not physically hit my kids or call them names. I encourage them to talk to me. I encourage them to pursue what they love. I try to not force them or control them, but only encourage them to be kind, respectful, responsible and resourceful.

[Emma_240302]

That is good! I’m glad you don’t let your childhood get in your way. Asian parents are not good at complimenting, really.

[Curmudgeon]

Growing up in the San Francisco area among the Asian persuasion, I was always amazed their suicide rates were not higher. That said, my old folks of an "American Gothic" background actually admired that "stick to it" ethos, and I did too.

This reminds me of another question of how your parents felt about dating or marrying someone of another race. When it came to the Asian persuasion, my folks were all for it:

[Meropatrick]

All for it with a pitchfork😂

[Curmudgeon]

@Meropatrick I was trying to convey my parent's background (rural, Midwest) even though I grew up in the Greater San Francisco area, mostly among Asian Americans. In fact, in many school or work situations, the "minority" was ME.

[Meropatrick]

Lol i am sorry I misunderstood the picture then. In movies i only saw a pitchfork when group of villagers holding torches and going to someones house to teach them a “ lesson”. I am amazed that you mentioned that suicide among Asian Americans is low. As countries like south korea and china have high rate of suicide. I guess it has to do with Not being places in the US Under the same extreme of pressures they endure in their countries. Like certain age to get married , and over competition

[Curmudgeon]

@Meropatrick No honestly, given the parental pressures, I am surprised the suicide rates among my peers were *not* higher. Had I been in their shoes, I surely would have gone and jumped off of the Golden Gate all too often.

[Meropatrick]

I guess it has to do with what is seen as culturally acceptable or the norm. In my culture its ok and encouraged to beat a child for discipline. My mom used to beat me so bad when i was a child. But i dont think my mother did it because she is evil. But because this was a popular method to use to discipline a child. If i was living in a country were child abuse laws were something , and my mom (knew better) definitely i would be more traumatized and think of my mom as cruel. Its the same with tiger parenting. Those kids reached a stage were they adapt to this kind of treatment. And people are really good at adapting

[Meropatrick]

Those mothers are women who failed or think they failed at some aspects in their lives. And they want to fix this horrible mistake they think they did through another person... in another persons life!!!
instead of fixing their own life. They fear failure, poverty.. etc which might have traumatized them in their childhood and try to prevent that happening also through controlling their child

[Meropatrick]

by the way i learned piano and taught myself English. Finished diploma in engineering without my parents being tiger parents at all. But i always appreciated their kindness and wanted to reward it by working hard. So tiger parenting is not the only way for a child to succeed. I feel its more like punishing your child because of your own fear and your own past

[theCobbler]

Well, You didn't have Your choice of Parents ! I know that's not much , but that's how I look at it now, ! I grew up. on my families farm , expected to work hard , always for the family , but in the shadow of an older brother, and a younger sister, ( black sheep , middle child syndrome, ) ( lol )
My mom Was an brass nail bitch , and I could never work hard enough to please my father, ! Best thing I can say is break free asap, and live the way you want to , !

[supermom1969]

Being a tiger mom is not a good way to be. I am one.
My secretary quit
My ex husband is afraid of me.
My kids dislike seeing me and live with their dad.
I have been kicked out book club.

[Emma_240302]

But It’s true That want your kids to succeed in life

[DeeDeeDeVour]

My mom is Filipina. Fortunately, she didn't raise me or my brothers the Tiger Mom way. Besides, we were all born & raised in America.

[saeyamazaki]

My mom used to be a tiger mom until my dad, my brothers and I protested against her form of parenting.

[msc545]

What you describe is pretty horrible, and some of it (burning you) is reportable as child abuse.

[Emma_240302]

Not in my country tbh 😅

[Emma_240302]

Doesn’t count as child abuse as people in my country hits their child a lot

[UnknownGagsUser]

My mom doesn't care about my grade but yeah comparing is one of Asian parents trait

[Billlewis]

That sounds like the kind of woman I'd like to serve:)

[yourpsychosuburban]

That shit really kills a person after a while ngl

[SecretGardenBlood65]

Good take.