Me: "I have problem that my love gets so intensified, whilst the next person doesn't give a fuck about me"
Them: "Hey! You don't love yourself!"
Me: "I've got a problem that I am too loving, caring, and I give too much to people who don't care!"
Them: "Hey! You gotta love yourself first!"
Me: "I just cannot get over him/her. What's wrong? It's been so long, good Lord, what's wrong?"
Them: "You don't value yourself, LOVE YOURSELF!"
How many times in life, have you gone through these statements? If you've ever been a victim of this, I wanna tell you that you were not alone! I go through these problems more than anything else in life. Now, it's very easy to say these words to the one going through self-hate syndrome. But there's much more to why he's like, the way he is.
Since childhood, I've been living in trauma and literal hell. I belong to a broken family, where a day won't start and end without my parents fighting, my father cursing and sometimes beating my mom. I've a sibling who, to last extent, would try to hurt, humiliate and bully me. So except my mom(who too would overreact sometimes), I had nobody whom I could call "mine", from whom I could get some love or care. Additionally to this, I had school mates who body-shamed me, and once literally pushed me on floor just because I was "fat" and hence, "ugly" to them! How am I supposed to build "self-love" or ''self-confidence" with that kind of atmosphere around? I was primed to hate myself. In childhood, their behaviors taught me how should I treat myself!
Now, I've grown up with these nightmares, complexes and a shattered self-image. I give my whole self to the people I love, and when they do not reciprocate or leave me, my world is DESTROYED, and I am devastated!!! It's just like catastrophe to me. I get attached to people and places quite quickly and intensely! I'll prioritize them even if they don't care about my existence. I am trying to change, I am trying to build that "self-love" but I can't, I just can't.....