Is hitting your child with a belt discipline or abuse / bad parenting?

[janethM]

Discipline

Bad parenting

[ImagineSketchy]

If It's because the child did something bad more than the 1st time, it's simply punishment/discipline. Abuse is hitting the child for no reason. No forethought. Just hitting them because they are there, or because you're angry, or you had a bad day, etc; that would be considered abusive.
Bad parenting is parents that let their children talk back to them when they are told to do something that they NEED to do, and/or get them anything they want because they ask, OR letting throw tantrums in the store.
And recently... Seeing kids in my neighborhood, selling plums out of a plastic bag. That is bad parenting. Why are your children selling plums? Of all things... Plums.

[janethM]

I was outside with my Neighbor talking and she got mad

[ImagineSketchy]

And she just hit the child (ren) for no reason?

[janethM]

Im not allowed to be outside by myself after 10 and it was 11 pm

[ImagineSketchy]

Well if you had rules already set in place, you can only blame yourself for that one. A curfew is something you should follow. If you are 14, it is most likely for your safety as bad things are more likely to happen at night when it is harder to see.
If you were punished by a whupping/whipping/whooping, you can only blame yourself for this one. I'm sorry.

[Wharvey98]

Are we talking hitting them with a belt, or spanking them with a belt. These are two different things, spanking is discipline hitting is abuse. I was spanked as a child, my father only had to use a belt one time, that was more than enough to get the message across.

[Wharvey98]

Obviously it should only be done if necessary though. The child needs to have done something bad enough to deserve that.

[janethM]

Hitting.

[Wharvey98]

That would be abuse.

[janethM]

I was outside talking to my neighbor my mom got home early form work and she grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to put house when we got in she went to her room grabbed the belt told me to stay still I did I run to my room she followed me and when she caught me she pushed me onto my bed and started hitting me..

[Wharvey98]

Yeah, definitely abuse. Do you know of any social services near you? I’d suggest finding someone to talk to about this. I’d suggest speaking to the guidance counselor at your school, assuming you go to public school. Otherwise there are centers for child abuse you can call, or Child Protective Services.

[cgraves561]

JanethM was it on your bottom or somewhere else?

[janethM]

Okay I'll try.
My butt

[TarrAva]

It is obviously abuse to me.

If I would witness a parent beating up a child with a belt, I would take a picture as proof, call in the authorities and do everything I can to have the person's parental authority taken away on the grounds of physical and mental abuse.

It is a tragedy if parents have to resort to beating up a child because they are at their limit and incapable to educate it or cope with the child.

They should have reacted much earlier in the education by seeking assistance of an therapist or educator.

It is unforgivable and beaten up children will likely educate their own children the same way later in life.

[janethM]

Thanks

[TarrAva]

You're welcome. Take the advice of @SueShe and get proof of abuse for your reference.

Should it ever occur again, do not hesitate to consult a free legal service on your rights.

[janethM]

It always happens.. Like this past week I was hit twice the first time it was 3 times

[TarrAva]

Do not let this happen again. You are clearly physically mistreated and if you do not intervene, nobody will.

One word of caution. If any of your teachers notice that you have been beaten, it is their duty to report it and then, troubles will really start.

I would recommend that you urgently seek the communication with your mother as she obviously has an anger issue and is unable to control it. She also needs desperate counseling.

[janethM]

She only hits my butt.

[TarrAva]

Then take pictures with the help of a mirror, like the one you probably have on the closet. Act before the traces disappear.

Make a backup copy on another media than your cell phone, just in case it gets lost/stolen

[Anonymous]

It is abuse, and lazy and bad parenting. Children can be raised from birth in only one way: the right way! If the parents fail at the beginning, it will become too late. That's when the say it is ok to use violence.

That is from a child psychologist. The mother of my brother and me.

If my parents had ever used a belt on me, I would have told them quietly that I have a long memory, and I will get retribution when I am old enough! No one EVER hurts this girl and gets away with it. Not even parents!

[janethM]

Thanks

[Opinion Owner]

One important thing my parents did was to encourage us kids to set our own rules, that we thought was reasonable. Having set our own rules, we could never break them, and never did. Even kids don't really want to look stupid!

[janethM]

How would I do that?

[Opinion Owner]

Sadly, you can't. It is something parents have to initiate. If only all parents would spend 3 years at uni learning how to be parents BEFORE they have kids.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for MHG!

[Burdened-Pilgrim]

Why?
That's the question. What a parent does to the child can almost always be abuse, even if it's just sending them to their room, if it is done excessively or extremely, inconsistently, or is poorly executed. I explain this below in a way super long explanation...

If you send a child to his room for one hour because he hit his sister, that is not abuse. If you send him to his room for 12 hours straight with no food because he didn't eat his green beans, then I'd say there's a problem.

Same with spankings, with or without a belt. The reason it's happening, how often it happens, and to what extent it is delt have a large impact on how it effects the child. If you spank a child with a belt ten times because he called his mother a slut, that is not abuse. If you spank him with a belt 50 times every time he doesn't get an A in school, then there's a problem.

Also consistency. If the child is sent to his room every time he hits his sister, for the same amount of time, and is told this is the reason every time, then that is not abuse. If the child is sent to his room sometimes when he hits his sister or doesn't eat his green beans, but sometimes he isn't, and he is never told why, then that is very confusing for the child, and he will likely not learn, and will feel he is treated unfairly as well as lesser than his sister. This is not good mentally or emotionally for a child, because consistency and explanation are important for a child's development and learning behavior.

The same applies with spankings and with belts. The more consistent, and the more clear the reason and better understanding the child has of why this is happening, the better.

And lastly, the attitude of the parent. If the child is sent to his room by a screaming, furious parent who slams the door after him and gives no explanation, I assume you can see that would be scary for the child. But if the parent is controlled and tells them calmly to go to their room because xyz, they won't have any reason to be afraid either of the parent who locks them in or being locked in their room at any random given time.

Again, the same with spankings. If the child is run down and caught by a screaming furious parent and whipped as hard as they can with a belt and yelled at for 2 minutes then dropped like a hot rock with no explanation, obviously that would be terrifying. But if a calm parent tells them why they are getting a spanking, then bends them over and spanks them a set number of times, the child should have no reason to fear being spanked at any random time, or the parent who spanks them.

[Wharvey98]

Well said. Proper discipline is a necessary part of raising a child. But there are certain lines that should not be crossed. My parents only spanked me 4 times, only once with a belt. You can bet I learned not to do any of those things again. The only reason I got the belt was because I decided to be smartass and say that the spanking didn’t hurt, it did but being the child I was I couldn’t just leave it at that.

[Wharvey98]

I certainly didn’t enjoy the spankings at the time but they definitely helped teach me a valuable lesson.

[Burdened-Pilgrim]

@Wharvey98 That's true. Children are smaller and more easily hurt than adults, and the parents need to keep this in mind. Giving a whipping harsh enough it leaves a lasting mark or breaks the skin is **never** appropriate discipline for a child. I want to believe a parent would be careful enough not to ever actually seriously harm their child, but unfortunately this isn't always the case. And I would say that is abuse.

[Anonymous]

As someone who was abused as a child (physically, emotionally, take your pick) I think that any kind of corporal punishment for children is a form of abuse.

It scars children psychologically. It leaves them at a higher risk of most psychological conditions. It doesn’t actually teach them good behavior. It just teaches them to be afraid, and that they can’t trust their parents, and that violence is a good way to deal with their problems.

My parents called what they were doing discipline too. I believed them. They told me that that’s just the way the world is, the way God intended it (the only Biblical verses they seemed to care about were the ones saying to respect thy parents, and “spare the rod, spoil the child). I believed them.

They told me that there was something wrong with me for crying about being hit. That I was somehow incapable of accepting a basic reality of life. I believed them. So I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want people to know that there was something wrong with me.

Hitting children teaches them that violence against their body is their own fault, and that perpetrators of violence are just teaching a lesson. This carries over into the adult life, resulting in the fact that adults who were abused as children are far more likely to be in abusive relationships.

Even as I grew older and found out that my family was not normal, I went into denial. I didn’t want to think of my parents that way.

[Opinion Owner]

When the violence had mostly stopped (my dad got anger management pills, not because he was hurting people but because he wasn’t happy) the emotional part was still there.

I wanted to believe that my parents hadn’t done it. But I had all these memories and my childhood journals. I would ask them questions, trying to find some explanation that meant I would ever be able to trust them. I wanted to trust them. They told me that it never happened. That I was making it up. I thought that I was going insane. In a way, that was easier than accepting that I came from an abusive family.

I can understand why people whose parents used corporal punishment don’t want to admit that it’s a problem. I was in that boat. But psychological studies have shown the effects. It’s time to wake up and face the music.

My denial culminated in a mental breakdown near the end of my junior year of high school. I had always been a straight A student. My quarter 4 English grade that year though, was a 23. I got into college because of my SAT scores, extracurriculars and side projects, and a twenty page sob story.

So in short, hitting your child with a belt is child abuse.

[awkwardman]

Lady i was almost killed by an abusive parent. Spank the kid just not with a belt or excessively or in anger. Heck once i wasn't in an abusive home i got spanked and i learned

[Opinion Owner]

My father broke bones. The difference in opinion isn’t due to the type of abuse.

Of course spanking isn’t as bad as some other forms of violence. But psychological studies have shown that spanking has the same effects as abuse. Severity is always a factor. And spanking on its own is one of the less severe things. But it’s still bad for kids.

I’m not suggesting CPS removes these kids from their parents custody. They don’t even do that for more severe things. They always try to keep the family together. They might just make the parent take a few classes on nonviolent forms of discipline.

The only thing I’m going to say about the learning part, is that my father used to tell me that the reason that he would lock me out in the snow, with no shoes and no coat, when it was pitch black out, was so that I would learn. Quite literally, he did that when I got one question wrong while studying. And I believed him. Because it was all I knew.

I believe that especially when they’re older, kids learn more from the actual mistake than from the punishment.

[Anonymous]

If you are a parent, and you lecture your child on how hitting others is wrong..and you then proceed to hit your own children (sure call it "spanking" ---same difference) you are the BIGGEST hypocrit on earth and sending your children mixed messages. If hitting is wrong, then it should not be employed as a means to punish, done in frustration, done in anger, or done to teach your kid a lesson. A good few of those kids that grow up to then hit their own children are always saying being spanked was good for them---that's messed up. Think about that. You think you deserved someone hitting you and spanking you.

[tenukitanuki]

Ask yourself, do you feel like you solved the problem by assaulting a small person that your created and who trusts you with their well-being and safety?

Leave the beating to mom (if any, c'mon just flex at them) so that dad's threat of a beating can carry fear. The Hindi method is pretty solid. They're only using their shoes and open handed slaps from a lady, no real power just stingy pain. Also, most mothers' love is unconditional so the baseline is the first loving bond a person forms

My uncle Bobby took up the tasks of "punisher" in his father's lax attitude toward 9 children. Someone or something tends to fill gaps in a vacuum. Also, boys crave discipline like dogs, lacking that they'll run wild. All children are feral until you raise them. So, raise them. Half the time they're acting up because they need stimulation, all cooped up in pens. Violence is the result of exhaustion, not of a clear and thinking mind.

[No_Archons]

haha those punjabi slaps hurt but it's just the right amount of hurt :P

[tenukitanuki]

@No_Archons yes, they're not aimed at your body but at your defiant ego. That's why moms are able to hookshot from around corners and scold you when they're not even there.

[No_Archons]

Loool

[yucychan]

Maybe it is more effective in olden times.
Now, the better approach is to make them understand what they did wrong and the consequences they have caused. Children do understand and can be taught.
Don't fall into the trap thinking that they are still young, they won't understand logic, and then taking the easy way out by hitting them with a belt.
Instilling pain and fear in a child will never be considered as good parenting in these days.
When a parent screams and yells at the child, the parent becomes a child himself/herself.

[MissKittyz]

I do believe kids should be spanked as a form of discipline and I don't think using a belt is abuse unless you do it excessively. As a kid, I've been spanked, hit with a belt, a spatula, a sandal, and all types of objects lol and ya, I'm fine with that. It made me a very respectful person, kept me focused with school, got me super good grades and taught me respect and to behave, etc. But, I wouldn't call it abuse. A lot of kids nowadays are acting like little shits cause their parents are too afraid to properly discipline them.

[awkwardman]

I took a love and logic class taught by a social worker to help be a better uncle since i babysat a lot back then. That is child abuse.
Against belief, spankings are NOT child abuse in there own right. To be child abuse 1 of the following conditions must be met: done in anger, objects were used, and in excess (if you give more then 5 it is in excess) as per what the social worker said. He even had a hand out that i keep. Still talk to him to thos day so I can keep intouch with things plus i have gotten some good connections that helped me with my disabled niece. As far as I know those are still the rules they follow.

[Holistic]

It's bad parenting. Learn to discipline your children by explaining why they should or shouldn't do certain things. If you hit your child for not doing his homework for example, he will do his homework simply out of fear and not because he understands why he should do it.

[Hurlyburly]

It means that you suck at being a parent and risk to deal an irreparable damage to the bond between you and your child instead of thinking of other solutions.
Plus, how in the world is the child supposed to learn how to solve conflicts without violence if not even their parents are capeable to do so?

[BlackRoseFairy]

No it's not ok. Especially in your age. If your mom is doing this a lot you should report her and ask for help.
Spanking is another topic, but using any kind of objects is not acceptable.
My mom did this once with my siblings when she was outraged. I simply took the belt from her and cut it into pieces. It was a shock for her when she calmed down and realised what she had done and she cried a lot afterwards and never used it again.

[Wishfire17]

I don't believe in hitting kids with a belt. I believe spankings are ok, but the belt is just too much. I was hit with a belt once by my step dad and to this day I remember it. It definitely wasn't worth getting belted over and I knew it. It was on my legs, I decided I would teach him a lesson instead, I wore shorts to show off the welts they left.

[Bananaman177]

It's pretty hard to reason with children who haven't yet reached the age of reason, which is about 8-9 years old for most kids.

Before that, they are literally irrational beings. It's just pretty hard to rationalize with them.

That's why women are so well-suited for early childcare. They're not particularly rational either, sort of an intermediary step between children and adults.

[slatyb]

I found it pretty easy to train my kid when they were 2, but they were quite precocious and had no trouble understanding me. It;s pretty simple. Say "no", remove them from the situation or remove the dangerous object from them. Almost all three year olds can talk, there's no need for violence.

[Bananaman177]

@slatyb Well, right, anybody can raise a single toddler. Try raising six kids ranging from 2-6, and now add in being a single parent, and now add in that one of your kids thinks the funniest thing in the world is to go running as fast as he can through the parking lot, and one of the other ones is being sick, and two of them are fighting, and it's 100 degrees in the shade.

Nobody is talking about an ideal, perfect situation here. People hit their kids out of desperation, after everything else has failed and failed miserably.

You say your kid was precocious. Have you ever met a kid who was precocious at causing mischief and mayhem?

[bill_towers]

That means you were a shit Patent Not to teach your child manners so the Kid gets out of Control (because of parents slobby behavior) and then they try to """"discipline"""" the child.
The parents should Hit eachother with the belts instead.
Just cause your Kids with Solid Rules and you won't need the belt.

[bill_towers]

*parent*. **Just raise your Kids**

[janethM]

:/ solid rules how?

[Boppy]

Explain to them the reasons for doing things, don't just tell them what to do.

[jacquesvol]

The worst parenting
Children should NOT be spanked.
It teaches them their mom and dad consider violence a good way to solve an issue.

After that , don't wonder why your society is violent.
www.psychologytoday.com/.../the-spanking-debate-is-over

[Anonymous]

The belt is bullshit. My mother hit me with a wooden spoon and my dad with a belt and then his hand. I have never hit my kids even once. I might wrestle them and hold them so they stop hitting me and/or until they calm down. Physical abuse of kids is pathetically wrong.

[CoffeeWC]

How are you supposed to discipline if you're too afraid to get physical your child? The problem with today's society is that we are so quick to call it abuse, that the only forms of discipline are taking away toys. I was hit with a belt once and only once. That was enough to make me listen to my parents. Same for my siblings.

[Vesuvius87]

Take away all their privileges, make them do extra household chores, get them involved in activities so they don't get distracted or lazy, get rid of their tablets, have natural consequences (ex: if you stay up late, you're gonna sleep in sleep), etc.
It's very unfortunate that discipline has to involve only getting physical and not other ways?

[awkwardman]

Cool you know what taking away privileges did for me? Not a damn thing. Some kids that may work but for 99% of kids it does not. So lady you will have a kid that becomes a problem adult.

[slatyb]

Read the theory of natural and logical consequences. "Natural consequences" -- their actions affect only themselves and the consequences are bearable. Let them experience them. If a child won't dress for school, they can go in their pajamas. "Logical consequences" -- their actions are dangerous to themselves or annoying to others. Impose rules to prevent that. A young child that won't stay in the yard is not allowed without close supervision. A child assaulting other children is removed and taken home.

[BlackRoseFairy]

Parenting does not only involve getting physical. Nobody said that. People nowadays are exaggerating things. I have a friend who's kid is calling her all kind of names and she just sits there and cries. If it had been my kid, it would have received a slap in the face the first time and that would have been the end of it. She considered it child abuse and never did it. Now she lost the game. Her kid has the upper hand and she's incapable of raising him into a proper adult.

[BlackRoseFairy]

My comment goes to @Vesuvius87 by the way

[adika63]

I had the belt until about 14. That’s when i took it away. My 5 year old daughter comes and ask if we can talk and she talked to me about what’s on her mind. We’ve always tried to teach her if she communicates and is honost we can help her and she has I need to lie bevy we all make mistakes and we want to help her work through them or punish her for them. Mistakes are meant to be learning moments.

[RationalMale]

It could literally be either.

Discipline: "Johnny, you lied that you had your homework done. Come here." Makes child bend over bed and uses the non buckle end to spank the child several times.

Abuse: "JOHNNY I FRICKIN TOLD YOU TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK! GET OVER HERE!" smacks child angrily with belt.

[Vesuvius87]

It's bad parenting for sure.
I wonder what's the point of hurting a child with an object and making him/her cry. If you did that to another adult or your employee for coming late, you would get charged for assault wouldn't you?

[btbc92]

Abuse sweetheart. Take it from me who has trust issues of everybody now, besides bullying. You need to get out of that house. It needs to be reported. Not a safe environment for you to be in. Or any child.