Would you go against a parent's wishes to help their adult child out of a bad situation (Read description fully before answering please)?

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I actually have this happening in two different cases. My younger brother treats his daughter like a slave. She is expected to keep the house clean, watch her special needs sister, go to school (online classes) and she is also working nearly 30 hours a week. When I say slave I mean, he refuses to do the work at all including taking care of his own special needs daughter. He refused to let my niece (she is 17) come over to see our new puppy because he didn't want to watch his special needs daughter by himself. He also makes her do stuff like massage his feet, bring him dinner and give him money from her paycheck to buy him fast food. There is more than just that, but these are just examples.

When she is 18 she wants to move in with my wife and I so she can get away from it and focus on school and having a life.

My friend (21) also has a very similar situation where her father actually bugs her apartment (he sometimes stays there and pays rent since she is a full time student) to listen in on her conversations. He says he is only paying for her college so she becomes a doctor where he can then retire and have her support him financially for the rest of his life. She isn't even sure she even wants to be a doctor and has major medical issues that her parents ignored growing up that could have been fixed when she was younger. Her mom is not better honestly. I have sort of unofficially adopted her and she does things like movie nights with me and my family (our kids see her as an older sister), but mostly I just try to help her build confidence in standing up for herself.

Given the situations, would you help or stay out of it?

I would help in the first case, but NOT the second.

I would NOT help in the first case, but I would help in the second.

I would help in both cases in any way I could.

I would stay out of both situations and let their parents decide what is best for them even if it is detrimental to them.

Other (Please explain)

[t-8900]

conversations maybe, and loaning them some $ to get out. But dont get too directly involved tbh. Its not your place to get into it to that level. Just my opinion. However I greatly sympathize with both and if they needed an escape for a night or even a weekend tell them they got a place. At the same time with your brother at least try to engage him in conversation about it if needed. Guilt trip tf out of him. "You want to drive your daughter away? You want to make her fall into the arms of a potentially bad man to get away from the life you are forcing on her?" I don't know something to that effect. You can slip her a few hundreds. But IF he kicks her out then by all means at that point take her in. But dont just have her move in like w/e. Would cause a lot of friction and turmoil imho.

The second one, just tell her to bide her time. Once she is done college and gets her job she can document and start paying him back and then telling him to go have a nice life. That guy is a nutjob, 100%.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

My brother doesn't care. He hasn't been accepting of me since I came out as lgbt. Besides he took my fathers philosophy that he is the man so he knows better. We haven't really spoken much in years. Friction and turmoil already exist.

Second one, for her to even get to that point she needs to build confidence in herself which is how I have been helping mostly. I've been like an encouraging mom/friend and showing her she is more capable than he gives her credit for. She was scared to even rearrange her room in her own apartment because her parents had expected her to keep it that way. Her mom got up in her face and yelled at her when my friend had the nerve to get a hair cut without her permission. Thats the level I'm talking about.

[t-8900]

I officially believe the whole world has gone batshit crazy EZ. You can def save your niece from that hell. The other girl maybe. Def keep talking with her. Maybe have her spend fri-sun away from the apt to drive her asshole parents crazy not know wtf is going on. That'd be a huge middle finger right there!

[SteveSmith1985]

I am happy to hear about good people doing good things. Both of these young people need help in any way you're able to help them. Parents who treat their children that way shouldn't have their "wishes" taken into consideration beyond the potential impact to the people you're trying to help.

You're doing good things. This could make such a difference for these two particular people. Don't be worrying about what awful parents might want. They're awful.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I do worry that their parents may take their frustration out on the two of them which would make me feel awful. I dont mind if they yell at me, but those two don't deserve it

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes, that is exactly the worry. That's the only thing which should be limiting the way you try and help each of these two people. I think that in the case of your niece, you seem to be able to help her in a way that puts her "out of reach" of her father's frustrations. (by letting her live with you when she turns 18). So in that case, I think you're on firm ground.

Now the other girl, who's studying to be a doctor. That sounds like a situation where you might need to be more careful. First of all, her father is abusive in a way that seems to be a level boyond your brother. Bugging your adult child's house, to me, suggests you're fucking nuts, and are unmoored from all sense of what's appropriate or reasonable.

Since you don't have any way to offer this 21 year old friend 'help' in a way that gets her beyond the reach of her father's frustrations... you DO have to be careful there. Her father is not likely to yell at you. He is likely to take it out on her. The other thing is, it sounds like your niece is ready to get outta there, and move in with you ASAP. The 21 year old seems to be much more 'under the thumb' of her father. Otherwise, she wouldn't be studying to be a doctor as per his retirement plans. She sounds like she might need more help to fully appreciate the extent to which she's been mistreated (I assume) her whole life. But I think that your "help" should be geared towards helping her make the emotional and practical preparations to cut ties with her father, and somehow or other, move out on her own. Then if he tries to bug the apartment which is HER apartment, it becomes a police matter. My guess is that she has a bit of work on the emotional side until she gets her head around to the idea of cutting ties with her father from where she is today.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

She is slowly getting there. She would have never dreamed of cutting her hair no matter how much she hated it before, but then last weekend right before Halloween she took several inches off it and was legit happy. She also started rearranging her room a bit as well. I know to a lot of people that doesn't seem like much, but those were impossible asks just a few months ago. She just needs someone to share they care about her as a person and that's what I hope my family is doing for her.

[SteveSmith1985]

Those things aren't small if they were impossible only a few months ago! I am happy to hear that she's making progress. I am especially glad that you are taking the time, effort and interest to try and help someone who's in an awful situation. You are making a world of difference for these two girls.

I think that you are the very best sort of human. People like you make the world a better place. 🙂

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Aww thank you for that! I just honestly hate injustice where I see it and have an overwhelming need to say something or fix it. I dont think it makes me a good human or anything, just one willing to take action on it when it arises.

[SteveSmith1985]

Nope. It makes you a good human. In fact I am currently explaining how much of a great human being I think you are to another GAG friend over PM riiiight now. In fact I clicked back to see your last reply, because I wanted to copy the link to this question... so she can see what I'm gushing about.

You're awesome. Don't sell yourself short. 🙂

[Ez-Bri-Z]

😳🥺

Thank you so much. Im blushing, legitimately.

[Agape93]

Help in both. Parents like that really piss me off

For the first, I'm taking that poor girl in. Her dad wants to stop that? Let him come try. Fucking disgraceful sack of shit.

For the second, ill go there with a friend and remove the bugs from the house and send them to police for invasion of privacy charges. Then I'm changing the locks for her and having a new key made. She can get a better roommate and I can find a way to help her financially.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Unfortunately I'm in Texas where he has legal rights til she is 18. I'd take her in today if I could but legally he can just call the police and they would have to bring her home. On top of that he could then file a restraining order on her behalf and I wouldn't even be able to contact her until she became 18. That one really would hurt.

For the second one, her dad is paying for the apartment so he technically would be allowed to do it. His name is also on the lease so the complex would have to let him in. Now, helping her move in fine with, but I dont make enough to pay for her to go to school full time and have a place of her own plus take care of my own kids here. Now if she switched and went to school around here, she is another one I'd be willing to take in for a while because she is a total sweetheart who doesn't deserve what her parents do to her.

[Agape93]

True enough. Sadly.

[Girlnamehere]

Sounds like you have a heart and are in the position to help. You would be giving these a backbone which they both have been subjected to men without one. Just because they are older doesn't mean they should be passed over. They did what their parents asked of then an it led them nowhere. Help as much as u can if u can. That's all we can do.

[MTC29]

I would help them both in any way that I could, but blood is blood, and when it comes to my niece there is nothing I wouldn't do for her, even going against my sister's wishes- which I have done, by inviting to live with me in Florida, and well beyond my sister's control.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Unfortunately my brother is only 5 minutes away and im not looking forward to when this happens. I just can't stand how he treats her. She should be preparing for college and experiencing life, not being trapped in his house so he can shirk his responsibility as a parent.

[loves2learn]

I’d help in any way I could. That sort of treatment and growing up too soon can be very damaging to one’s psyche.

[humanearth]

Agree and could mess them up more later on in years

[OddBeMe]

If you’re ok risking never talking to one or both again. Police are taught never to pick sides in domestic disputes.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I'm fine with not talking to my brother. Both of them barely talk to me now.

For the middle brother, his son even left and moved to another state for a bit to get away from his dad. My youngest brother is more of the type to just be neglectful and go out every weekend and leave the kids with his wife while he goes out with his friends.

There is some additional dark history between those two's families that they both seem to be sweeping under the rug and my wife and I are appalled they are doing it and from our end I barely communicate with them as it is. My niece on the other hand, we talk to a lot.

When she first started dating her last boyfriend, she asked us to be the first to meet him because she was terrified of how her dad and grandmother (my mom) would act. She was right to be worried too. The minute my brother found out she was a dating someone he tried to take her phone away, break up with him and quit her job so she wouldn't have access to him. She was expected to do school and take care of the house and her sister full time at that point.

[Staximus]

These fathers sound like worthless terrible manipulators and don't realize that their daughters are not their property. You should help them out so they can live their own life and not be slaves to these pieces of shit.

[exitseven]

If these situations were as bad as you say, I would help them any way I could. You are showing generosity.

[humanearth]

Sometime when kids invold, I tend to stick my nose where it dont belong to help them.

[Andres77]

These situations sound like plots for a bad movie... wow...
Good luck, these people sound horrible.

[CalogeroValledolmo]

I would help in both of those cases even if I had to break the law to do it, and I'm a lawyer.

[jerdanro]

Those dads sound like real winning human beings. For all of my faults, I would never abandon or live off of my children like that.

[Kelly6]

thats very abusive parenting.
i would help for sure

[Kelly6]

for that kind of parenting i would even start a fight with my brother.

[Surely]

Help in any way. But you would need to tread lightly

[Anonymous]

I’d probably tell them to go somewhere else if I was in your position. I don’t expect myself to be good parent, but I could help them out financially.

[Anonymous]

I would be removing the girl from that situation now he should grow some balls and take care of his own responsibilities instead of making his teenage daughter do what he as a parent should be doing

[spartan55]

I'd help both cases the best I could.

[alance99]

Yea for sure your neice needs help