Why do so many straight men think they can’t be platonic friends with women?

Question

Why would men say women being the shallow ones when there are a bunch of boys who say they can only be friends with a girl if they’re attracted and like the fact that they can potentially be in a deeper relationship with her rather than being content they’re friends? Compared to the women who are more open on average platonic male friendships

My question is if you’re a man and can’t be in a platonic relationship with a woman without the possibility of romance than how can you ever be in a true loving romantic relationship if you only look at women as these relationship prospects. I understand little boys thinking this way, but come on.. why the hell are grown men thinking this way?

https://youtu.be/bquLVSiJLNc

https://youtu.be/T_lh5fR4DMA

https://youtu.be/0rIrh0ivh1w

https://youtu.be/YNw9AjvwkN4

See a lot of YouTube videos on this

zeitgeist057 · Accepted Answer

I don't believe this at all, and have many, many platonic female friends. I also have romantic female friends, female friends I was once romantic with and am now platonic with, female friends I've never been romantic with but there is definitely some romantic chemistry coming from one side or both and potentially might be romantic in the future. Basically, it's all over the spectrum with me, and I love my connections with females as much if not sometimes more than my connections with males. Women in my life are welcome. I was raised by my mom and my grandparents. My grandmother was a daycare specialist and she taught me to read, to swim, and so much more in terms of art and craft. I have lots of aunties and ever since I was little, I preferred hanging out in the kitchen and talking with the women, to watching football in the living room and ignoring each other or whatever the men were doing. In fact, I started showing up early to holiday get togethers, just to have a little extra time chatting with grandma and helping her prepare, before everyone else showed up.

way better than staring at the picture box (TV)

I think I might be able to provide some insight into the "can't be platonic" mindset. I'm sure there are also a lot of other great answers that will give you some perspective. First, I will go ahead and pass judgement and say this mindset is more likely to come from a conservative or more 'traditional' male. Reason being, conservative people like to have things fit a certain box in a certain way. That's why it's seen as more close minded than open minded, there are fewer options. So for them, the female fits a certain box, a certain role, and to have her outside of that box will elicit reactions ranging from "an anomaly" to "an abomination!".

Because of these stricter roles, women aren't welcome or "allowed" to do the "man stuff" whatever that is: drinking together, playing sports, working on cars, I don't know. But women can go do their own drinking together. I just come from a different culture where I've always been inclusive of both men and women participating. I've even been invited to "girls night out" . I've also been excluded from it, and while I understood the premise, I also felt a bit hurt and DIDN'T understand why my friends wouldn't want me around. This separation by gender isn't just something men do, either. But men want to hang out with just men and be able to talk about women in a way that would be inappropriate/embarrassing if a woman was present, and women also want to hang out and talk about men in a way that would be inappropriate/embarrassing if a man was present. <---------- that right there is a red flag to me, why would you want to be involved with a person who talks about you/your gender behind your back in a way they won't say to your face? It means they are hiding how they really feel, and hiding something embarrassing.

Sure, when you involve people that could have a sexual attraction, dynamics change. But navigating these dynamics helps make you a more balanced and adept person; I welcome these interactions. I've had women crushing on me that I liked as a friend but didn't want as a girlfriend. I've crushed on my female friend (s) who didn't want to take it to that level with me. I've had these experiences and so many more, and I feel stronger, more cultured, more experienced, wiser, and more capable of handling various dynamics in the future because of them. I agree with you that it makes sense for inexperienced or immature males to have this viewpoint, but once (if) a person matures, they are not going to ignore half the human race because of gender.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

I thought I could and had many women friends starting in mid 20's. But I was screwed up and wasn't building my own family, wasn't having any success at it. Most women I befriended were older and married, widowed..."safe". I fell into this because of the mess from childhood... lacking nurturing at home, insecurity, being hurt emotionally, to name a few.. so I avoided intimacy and females who were eligible. I was screwed up and so I'd avoid potential mates and seek friendships with women to fill the void... ones that I couldn't have. If it felt safe in that regard, if they were nice to me and especially needy or liked to talk, I was sucked in.

That lead to cheating with one briefly, regrets.. she came after me, but I was none the wiser. Another marriage was already falling apart with 4 kids, I didn't break them up, but I could have. I saw the hooks she was throwing and chose not to take them, I give myself credit for avoiding that mess. Others I thought were just friends... became clear they had interest. Most women would use me as their emotional dumping ground, felt safe talking to me, turning me into their "girlfriend". That's not good for my manhood, although it felt good to feel valued and get to know women, it is poison to their husbands and I was friendzoned and alone, was learning nothing of myself nor growing as a man.

The number of stories I've heard of "friends" or students trashing a relationship and then ending in divorce is too many. You gotta be careful with opposite sex and hold good boundaries and rules to protect the sanctity fo your emotional and physical relationship. Don't be gullible... you smile at a guy, he thinks you want him! It is not all the man's issue, there's two sides and women will trash another persons relationship if they want.

Add to all this today's messed up sense of values and morals we read about on this site and you got a mess out there. No wonder other mature cultures do a lot to protect relationships, "hide the women", etc... We should heed their warnings. Our culture is a short term experiment in freedom... it's all been done before and most of it doesn't work long term.

I learned a lot from my girlfriend whom pointed out a lot of how my behavior in the past was problematic. It really helps to see yourself from anothers perspective, have some experience to understand the risks. You can still have friends, but do so with wisdom.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Grown men are thinking this way because most of them have already done the friend thing with women and it didn't pan out in their favor.

You have to put yourself in a straight mans mindset to understand their point of view.

Men and women can be friends under circumstances where there is a small window to be friends and the communication stops when the main event for that friendship to have formed, stops. That would be like coworkers or the friendship you have with the mail man. There is no other friendship happening other than in those places or about those places. Like, being friends with your male pastor. You two only talk about church things or only talk when at the church.

Men and women cannot be friends (to men) based on how most women are in their friendships. Meaning, women like to gossip, talk a lot, express themselves, get emotional, cry, have drama, or be dramatic. Women are like this with other women. Men aren't like this in their friendships. They may have moments but it is nowhere near as much as it is in women's friendships. So, to them, it requires a lot of effort to be friends with women. No man wants to put in effort for no reward. Which means unless they are able to get with her then their isn't much benefit. It doesn't suit them much to be your friend.

Because of this, most men end up friends with women because the woman friend-zoned them. NOT because they wanted to be friends. The second video you posted proves this. These guys are friends with to these girls because the girl made it that way. They actually want to be with her but they can't have her any other way than to be her friend. So they do this to eventually have a chance to date her. That's why the guy is interviewing these "friendships". The guy did this subject because he knows how most guys think. He is showing you that these girls believe they're in a friendship with these guys but these guys aren't really into being friends. They want to date you.

If you are in a "friendship" where one person wanted to initially be something more or where one person wants to be something more... you are not really just friends.
To men, they know, most men are only going to be friends with a woman by waiting on his chance or by having her as the backup plan to who he is currently with. Most men don't benefit by being friends with women.

PeacefulRainDrop · Accepted Answer

As you get older you will find your guy friends expect things.. that you dont sleep with your friends so now they are upset cause they offered to pay for your meal thinking they get sex in return.

It is possible to be just friends with guys but you lay down the ground rules so no one expects anything and if any lines are crossed like if they go to kiss you.. you have to be prepared to get yourself outta there.

Talk is cheap most opposite gender friendships dont work because both genders have been so sexualized. But its possible when both people respect each other.

Blueeyes81 · Answer

I've learned over the years that men and women bring different aspects to friendship. For me that tends to lend to one sided friendships. What most women offer in the way of friendship is talking and sharing and venting., again from my experience. I don't seek those things in a friendship. What I seek are more activity partners (women, again from my experience) are more reluctant to be activities partners as they don't want to give you the idea that they are interested in you or don't want to cause a potential relationship problem with a boyfriend or husband. Therefore that leaves talking and her asking for favors (moving, changing a tire, kill a spider, etc)

I say all that to get to my point. I only seek out females that I can see myself dating. Doesn't always work out and you end up as friends. Which leads me to my point. Its not platonic if I would sleep with her if the chance arose. So if I only surround myself with women I find attractive both inside and out then it doesn't bowed well for platonic friendships.

Anonymous · Answer

We can only be friends with women who we are attracted to because, frankly, women are boring, annoying, have worthless interests, unreasonable expectations and can't be relied on.

A friend is someone who will go out to drink beer with you when you ring their doorbell at 11 pm.
Or someone who will go throwing yogurts at a bitch's windows after she has dumped one of your buddies.

Women don't offer that, what they "offer" is the opportunity to be their emotional and mental health sponge by "listening" and "talking" about their crap.

No straight man cares about or wants any of that.
It's something we only tolerate with women who have sex with us.

So, if it seems a guy is tolerating you, then he is either gay (and thus cares about the nonsense women care about) or sexually/romantically interested in you.

There are also rare women who have a masculine brain, masculine values and masculine interests who could, in theory, have successful platonic friendships with men.
But in practice they end up surrounded by an even bigger swarm of thirsty men by the virtue of just how attractive that kind of personality is in a woman.

-Asca- · Answer

I have wondered this before but by now I have found an answer to your question: The men who claim they can't be platonic friends with women actually could, they just don't want to.
Really. It's that simple.
They don't want to cause they'd just rather be in a relationship or have sex than be friends if it was their choice. And because they'd rather have sex or a relationship they say they can't be platonic friends with women, because they always want more than a platonic friendship. It's all bullshit though, friendships don't depend on gender.

I imagine in some cases it's probably a cultural or societal thing too. It used to not be normal to be friends with the opposite gender in the past and in some places it's still not normal, so for some men it's due to their upbringing, cause they learned that men and women just aren't friends. It's often difficult to unlearn things that we learned as little children and that just seemed normal for most of our lives, no matter if they don't make any sense.

RolandCuthbert · Answer

Hmmmm. . . the question is asked weirdly. How many women are attracted to men they are friends with?

Men and women are different. Most women don't develop romantic feelings for their friends. But men can.
I think the question is this. Why do women think they can form some deep bond with men they do not know but are really attracted to as opposed to a male friend they have known for years as being a good, respectful human being? What are many women seeing in fantasy, that does not fit with reality?

Then on the flip side, this is what I always found amusing. Men have plenty of women friends. They just never consider them to be romantic options. And it is really hard because the women only drop subtle hints, because they are the ones who want to be chased. I have had women friends blatantly try to "tongue" me, trying to communicate they want something more.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

I don’t get why there is this constant thing that says you can't just be friends with a girl.

it’s blatantly true that you can just be friends, if it’s not then these people must live in a nightmare world where they view their friends as constantly thinking about fucking their wife, mother, sister, daughter, girlfriend etc.

Equally their friends will be viewing them the same way.

I have a bunch of women mates and definitely not planning on sex with them or anything romantic.

equally my gay mate has assured me he does not want sex or anything romantic with me.

mobiusforniner · Answer

I think people have wide definitions of what they call "friends". Is it just some generic acquaintance you met at a bar or in class? A coworker you hangout and get drinks with after work? sure. Men and women can be friends. But if you're talking about comforting each other, being there emotionally, spending close time getting to know each other and what's important to you both, doing paired off special things together, seeing each others families... then no. Building this trust and feeling will make friendship ultimately impossible. If you're a girl and you feel you can have this level of friendship with a man without him developing feelings, you're delusional.

Lionman95 · Answer

I think it depends on upbringing and experience. It´s harder to be in a platonic friendship with a female because it needs better preparation, trust and communication because one catching feelings is the unwanted elefant in the room.
On the other hand I think it´s possible and it can serve the similar purposes guy-friends have.
One of the reasons that many guys have a hard time doing is because they wired in a way to see women only as potential partners and because it´s not always seen as trendy to be in a platonic friendship because the so called "friendzone" is quite to that.
Guys learn in dating coachings to not be happy being in the "friendzone" but actually it´s quite the same thing when you just compare the relationship level in both.
Both have that there won´t be a sex life or feelings involved so platonic friendships could be declared as a different kind of view to the friendzone.

LikeALog · Answer

I have a few women friends that are just friends.

One of them, we share some common interests which is how we met. It was a competitive cook-off. We agreed to go together as a team to the next event each paying our own way. She is extremely attractive, great personality, appears to be laid-back and is funny at times. I would like to have dated her. However, we are both extremely independent and confident. Just being together for that event, we realized our relationship was not destined to proceed beyond just being friends. And at times even that is contentious.

Sparks32 · Answer

A reason Men and Women can't be just friends is because one day she will be in a relationship with a man and he will most likely be suspicious about the guy who is spending time with his wife because married women who hung out with a guy friend is most of the time having an affair and most sensible husbands will issue her with an him or me ultimatum. A lot of people believe that you have no right to hang out with a married person of the opposite sex. Unless he is a gay man, I didn't make the rules.

Moose304 · Answer

I'm not going to say it's impossible, but it's damn close. People do not understand that cheating is like an accident the last link in a chain. I know of hundreds of situations where friends because bed partners. When two people of the same sex get together that is a link in that chain. It does not mean cheating will happen, it just means it is closer to happening. Now, all it takes is something like getting drunk or getting really pissed at your spouse/partner, and now it's game on. I know it's not politically correct in these days and times, but I would NEVER allow my wife to have anything like a close friend that is another man. At some point, if she doesn't stop it she will come home to find me gone!

Summerx-x · Answer

I remember talking to my friend about this a while back. He told me the same thing, how it's hard for guys to be friends with girls because either one or the other tends to catch feelings. And I hate to admit it but he was right. We're really close now but I did use to like him. he has admitted he finds me attractive which according to him is one of the reasons he approached me but never in the way of wanting to date me. Being friends with the opposite sex takes work. You need mutual trust as well as communication when upset with the other. My friend and I work because we're there for each other and talk things out. It very much depends on many factors but yes I believe it can work out if the effort is put in and the two sexes are both clear where they stand with each other.

SAMI_DABBAB · Answer

You're very thoughtful for a 15 year old, had to get this out of the way.

Now for that I think it's a social issue, men are ridiculously close to being crucified for every "off" thing they can be perceived as doing with a woman and being in such suspicion will not help their image in the eyes of society, it's more like men are only going to do something with a guaranteed result because zero is greater than minus one.

Some are confident enough to overcome this thinking but the bar is higher than it once was...

Hypnos0929 · Answer

It's not so much that I can't, it's more like I don't want to. Someone always develops feelings unless both are extremely stable people, furthermore a lot of women specifically will "ignore" the signs that their male BFF is into them.
I've been in the friendzone all because she didn't want to lose the friendship and I honestly tried waiting around/being just friends and I don't like it. It's not for me so I don't try anymore.
In short if you reject me, or I try to set up a date 3 times, I take it that you're not interested and I'm moving on. I don't need to care about what you want but I do need to respect myself.

Anonymous · Answer

Because their own interest in a relationship when single takes priority.

The vast majority of the time, men who are single and want a partner are not going to be investing all their time and energy into a platonic friendship when there are attractive women around who they need to figure out how to connect with. Single men's friendships with unattractive single women are most commonly friendships of convenience. These friendships can happen often, but the guideline would be that single men will first focus on securing a partner before a friendship with a woman -- and that rationing of their time, energy, and resources should make perfect sense to a normal person.

Msputiton · Answer

They taught to think this way somewhere in their life, and really believe it is impossible. a lot of men still only think all we are useful for is sex and relationships.

globetrotter22 · Answer

You need to seriously ask yourself what you can provide in a “friendship” to a straight male?

These friendships only work if there is no attraction on either side which is rare. The acid test is if you feel jealous if you know the person is dating someone else.

Why women are so confident that they can be “friends” with straight guys is beyond me. This is something many women never outgrow either. Being friendly is one thing but being true friends another.

MoJoYoYo · Answer

Because they don't want to come off as flirtatious or anything else like that. However, I have tons of straight, male friends who will just be my friends and neither of us have feelings for the others. After you get married, I believe that friendships with people of the opposite gender will definitely change, and I believe they must. However, I do think that girl/boy friendships are possible outside of a romantic relationship.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

A lot of it comes from having life experiences where every male-female friendship fails miserably. I know that I have never once seen or even heard of a male-female friendship working in my entire life. I'm totally open to the possibility of it working, I've just never seen it work in my own life.

Anonymous · Answer

There are many men who do not know How to talk with women. They just think about playing video games and their dick. So they see all the girls just for sex. Their blood does not go to their brain. So, it is normal for them to hard to find female friend.

Iron_Man · Answer

That’s a fake ploy guys always want something else besides friendship. But how else are they gonna get close to the girl so they have to take some kind of a friendship card for now. And then they will work on her emotionally hoping that she comes around

Why do so many straight men think they can’t be platonic friends with women?

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