My dad used to touch me inappropriately as a “joke” when I was a kid. I feel ready to talk to my mom about it, any advice on how to start the convo?

[Anonymous]

Like the question said, my dad used to jokingly touch me inappropriately when I was young. I’ve always felt uncomfortable with him ever since even though he has stopped doing it. But whenever I go home for a visit, I feel scared and uncomfortable around him especially when he’s going in for a greeting hug.

I’m finally ready to talk about it to someone and I want to start with my mom. Any advice on how I should go about this? I just want her to listen so that she’ll understand why I’ve been avoidant of my dad all these years, and that I want to fix this so that I can be closer to my dad like how my siblings are with him. Thanks in advance to those taking the time to read or sharing their advice! :)

[Anonymous]

Agree, just have to do it. "Mom, can I talk to you for a minute? It's about something serious.", and get her full attention (not while she's doing other things). Tell her to bare with you if you're having trouble getting it out, that it's hard for you.

Now I don't want to deter you from doing this, but one thing that isn't for sure is how your mom will react. Depending on the type of person she is, and her relationship with him, there is the possibility she won't believe you, or "take his side" (if you've ever seen this in movies, can often be the case in real life also), but hopefully it won't be like that. But just know that it is a possibility. And if the therapist is still in the picture, maybe going there together and telling her there?

[Asker]

Yep I’m fully aware that she might take his side and not believe me but honestly I think my main goal is really to just get it out of my chest. I hope she’ll at least listen to me, I don’t want her to take any actions or anything so I hope I’m not setting myself up for any disappointments lol

Thank you so much for the advice though, it’s really helpful!

[notwoke]

If it was not serious like patting you though clothing, why bring this up? Your family will be ruined forever. let that skeleton in the closet unless he was all out molesting you

[Asker]

He grabbed my tits, tackled me and blew raspberries on my vagina (was wearing a dress, still had my undies on), and he purposefully walked in on me while I was changing. I fully agree that things were basically “not serious” in the grand scheme of things compared to getting raped etc but still it wasn’t right. A father shouldn’t be doing those things to his daughter right. I don’t think it counts as him molesting me tho, just inappropriate behavior but it ruined my mental health and my relationship with my dad so I basically got nothing much to lose lol

[notwoke]

Its a hard situation, Not sure what to tell you. Your choices are bad in all directions. Holding this in will not be good for you, but your parents getting divorced and your mom possible wigging out and getting your dad thrown in jail (while deserved) will be hard for you and everyone. Best of luck to you

[Asker]

Yeah but I’m not planning to talk about the details with my mom, I just want to tell her that he makes me uncomfortable - I know she’ll be crushed if she hears the entire truth… thank you for sharing your input though, I appreciate it!!

[notwoke]

hmm, certainly not telling you what to do or claiming to be "smart" but if you don't tell your mother 'too much" you need to be emotionally prepared for her to try and minimize it. If you do tell too much you also need to be prepared for dad to tell a different story and for mom to possibly believe him over you because she doesn't want it to be true

[Asker]

Yeah I’m fully anticipating that she’s just gonna brush me off (bc I did try to tell her once when I was 8 and she immediately changed the topic). My therapist has taught me to not be affected by her dismissive nature by learning to validate myself and what happened to me. I also have a very supportive boyfriend that I can rely on just in case I need a little bit of extra support if my mom does end up dismissing my experience

[notwoke]

best of luck to you

[Anonymous]

Thankyou for this post I think this is very common and I'm glad you have seen a therapist and are taking their advice.

[Asker]

Yeah sadly this is pretty common, but no one should ever go through something like this. Thank you for your support 😊

[Anonymous]

You might want to get a therapist view on this before you talk to your mother.

[Asker]

I actually did go to therapy and she suggested that I sit down with my mom to talk about it but she didn’t really elaborate on how I should approach this lol

[Opinion Owner]

Just be honest and let it all out.

[Asker]

I’ll try my best, thanks for your input - much appreciated!

[Opinion Owner]

You're very welcome. :)