Can you open up to your parents about traumatic experiences?

[DizzyDesii]

Its so hard to talk to my mom. She just cannot handle the truth. She wanted to know about what happened to my sis in HS that causes my sis to be a bit mute. She just won't open up about it but constantly mumbles about someone trying to get in her pants. So i told my mom i wouldn't be surprised if someone tried to touch her after how a few of my classmates pinned me to a desk and forcefully humped me, and constantly tried to take me down despite me screaming for the teachers help to make them stop. Bt as i told my mom that, ahe started screaming “THATS ENOUGH, I SAID I DONT STOP! I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.” Like no wonder my sis won’t open up to you. You can never handle our experiences. She couldn't even handle the fact her “precious son-in-law” held a knife and gun to me. Thats why I can never tell her how he took my virginity. I’ll just let her keep thinking I lost it in my 20s. I just hate my mom is like that man. Thats why she doesn’t know the true “us”. #FeelFreeToList #ParentsJustDontUnderstand

Updates

1 y

I think another thing is... My mom told us all the horrible things her parents did to her as a kid. She hates to see that we still love them since they’ve only ever been nice to us. But of course we believe what she says is true and we’re a little less trusting of them because of it. However, i think she feels until we 100% take her side on the matter, she's not even remotely interested in what we’ve gone through ourselves

Updates

1 y

I think she honestly feels like a failure because she didn't know sooner. She would always brag to other parents that her kids didn't get pregnant in high school because we were so very honest with her about stuff. But she never really asked us how stuff went. She’d just state “you better not be doing anything you have no business doing.” And she’d say “i better not find out from anyone else that you’re doing something”. Yet people told her rumors about me and she didn't believe 🤷‍♀️

[Dazed0N0Confused]

I'm super open & honest with my mom. There's little topics we don't discuss. I know a lot about my mom too. She knows I don't judge her & she doesn't judge me. People who know us will tell us that they wish they had the kind of relationship with their parent that we have.
It also is the complete opposite of the relationship I have with my father. We were on a first name basis before it all fell apart. My brother & I were disowned, myself for the billionth time, & we were told not to get ahold of him again after an argument. Our relationship had been rocky for years & I tried to patch things up time & again, but I couldn't this time. For my own sanity & my baby's mental wellness. I had previously had a restraining order on him as a tween. It was bad. While he wasn't physically abusive, psychologically & emotionally are different.

I'm sorry you don't have the outlet your mother should be, but I can honestly say, therapy can do you some good. Just talking to a complete stranger who is there for YOU, who cannot legally spill any beans unless they feel there is a viable threat to yourself or others, can do a lot of good. It might not feel like it at first, it might even take you several visits before you're comfortable to say something substantial, but you will get there when you finally build that trust with them.

Best of luck to you & your sibling.

[DizzyDesii]

I agree that talking to strangers helped. Im fine. This stuff happened to me like a decade ago. My mom is the one who freaks out. My sis is the one who is mute. Im fine

[melanieeeB]

Maybe your mom is still ao traumatized by her own experiences, that she can't handle going through it again or like accepting that this stuff also happened to you two too. If she doesn't hear it, it "didn't happen" kinda shit... I guess she needs help first, bevor she can be there for you two and listen, you know what I mean?


And no not really, I guess I could tell her but I wanna protect her, she already is traumatized and feels so much guilt for what happened to me with my father and yeah, she doesn't even know everything, cause since I'm a little kid, I never told her all the abuse.
Also later in my teens etc stuff happened and I kept it to myself and well my doctor knows cause of some injuries but like if I would tell her, she would just be soooo sad and crying and I don't want that.

[DizzyDesii]

So true about her needing to see to believe. And omg im sorry you went through that type of abuse. I hope one day you can tell someone if not her

[melanieeeB]

Oh thanks, but don't worry I found my peace 🙏🏼

[Guy_No1974]

When i was very young in told my mother about something that was happening to both my brother and me, we were both being abused by a close friend of the family, My mother called me a liar, and i ended up taking back what I'd told her, and had to apologize for it, but everything I'd told her was true, and it continued happening to us both for another 4 years.

So from the age of about 13 years old I've not had any kind of relationship with my mother, it didn't help that from when I was 12 years old she'd become a heroin addict, so that pretty much ruined everything anyway.

My father was equally useless, i eventually told him when i was 21 years old, and he said he'd often wondered if something was going on with this person, but he never did anything about it. So that was a real kick in the teeth for my brother and i.

[DizzyDesii]

Im so so sorry no one believed you guys

[Guy_No1974]

Thank you.

I jusy think that people, not just my mother and father, were dismissive and ignorant in regards to things like that.

[Anonymous]

Parents are people. There is no magic door we go through to be someone able to handle any more then we where. We do not get a psychological degree. We are just as dumb and weak as the next person.
You did not chose your parents. You CAN chose where you get help.
I personally would send my daughter to anyone who could help her more than me.
With my brother I was no help with his drug addiction. I told him to get professional help. he did and I was 0% of his recovery. He is still my brother.
You and your sis could use someone to talk to about these things. Parents want to help but honestly we don't have the training in most cases.

[DizzyDesii]

I dont need help. But she asked yet didn't want to be told

[Opinion Owner]

I understand. Often the need to be on the "inside" out weighs the ability.
Regarding your update: The kind of personality that wants to be "right" and everyone has to take their side is toxic. Does not matter if it is a family member.
Important points. IN any disagreement always look for the solution - WHAT is right, not who is right.
IT is divisive to pull people into a disagreements. Let people like and love whom ever they choose. That is the wonder of life. If 2 people don't see eye to eye the rest of the world is not all about them. This is hyper arrogant and should be stamped out -The attitude not the person.

[Anonymous]

When they were alive… Not really. Some things, yes, but most, not really. A lot was “swept under the rug.”


1. My dad was super abusive. That was a thing that was talked about quite a bit - but only in the house. We weren’t to mention my dads abuse outside of the immediate family. Even with relatives on his side, no one wanted to believe it. And outside of the family… hide bruises. Make excuses for the broken bones.


Finally, some members of the family are willing to sort of listen. Now. - so at least I’m not being completely dismissed from all family, at least.



2. A lot of the bullying at school - don’t be a downer. And if we did complain, it never really seemed to go anywhere (oh, the bully’s father is the principal’s golf buddy or high school best friend and THEY were in the same football team… or they all belong to the same frat or country club… yeah, the principal will make sure the bully will be disciplined. Sure.) Sweep it under the rug. Don’t keep complaining, even if it wasn’t handled.



3. There were family members who were raped and molested. Past trying to go through legal channels at the time (which was something) (they went nowhere at the time) so after the mediation and trial losses, etc… we didn’t talk about it. Never brought it up.



One time it came back in a public way and one of the guys sort of finally got some comeuppance and was found out (he had done it to quite a few people, and it finally stuck), became public, and he got caught. But everyone kind of swept it under the rug for ages.


Finally mom mentioned a little bit of it, because it’s be in the papers, but we never talked about it other than that.



4. I would have panic attacks from abuse for years (usually from dad, but sometimes mom… and when it was my mom causing it, I could never tell her). Then I’d get screamed at for daring to have them.



Finally, they both passed away. I am getting financial help to see a counselor - finally. I have severe depression and suicidal thoughts and anxiety (had it for years, but couldn’t tell anyone), but at least I can see someone to try to get SOME help and start to heal a bit.

[DizzyDesii]

Man this qas heartbreaking to read

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for all the terrible things that happened to you and I understand that you might have some resentments towards your mom for not hearing you out and being there for you, I know exactly how that feels.

I was also sexually abused in my childhood and when I told my mom about it she denied it and told me to stop. I was angry at her for a long time but then I realize that she’s also only human, some people just can’t handle hearing about the heavy shit bc they themselves haven’t been able to move on from their own trauma.

My question to you is, what do you expect your mom to do after you tell her about your/your sister’s trauma? How do you want her to react? Do you just want her to listen? Do you want emotional support? Maybe you can give her a heads up and tell her beforehand like “hey mom, I wanna tell you something and I need you to just hear me out bc I need your support”. That way she’ll have time to prepare herself for what she’s about to hear and she’ll know what you are expecting out of her. Feel free to message me if you wanna talk, you deserve to be free from your trauma 💕

[DizzyDesii]

I would be okay with her not being able to handle it if she didn't ask in the first place. But she's nosey af and we’d warn her like i dont think you wanna hear this and she begs for the info but then breaks down when she gets it. And we dont expect her to react at all honestly. We just want her to listen. she's still messed up from her childhood so i know its a sensitive topic for her but she should leave well enough alone and stop asking for info she can't handle

[Opinion Owner]

I think there’s a part of her that is looking for the entire truth, seems like she’s trying to understand why her daughters are the way they are better but then again she’s not ready to handle the truth. I think she does care which is why she’s curious, but I agree with you - she can’t handle it just yet. Maybe you can write it down in a letter and tell her to read it on her own when she’s ready (this is what I eventually did with my mom and she finally had time to process everything and eventually she’s able to listen to my story)

[DizzyDesii]

I tried to text her my sisters situation when she texted asking and she screamed from across the house again DONT! THATS ENOUGH! DO NOT TEXT ME AGAIN. So yea she can't understand any method. After she did that, i tried to talk to her about it rather than text and she still reacted the same

[Opinion Owner]

She’s definitely in denial and I think she does feel like a failure for sure, my mom also felt like she failed as a mom bc she couldn’t protect me. I say that you should leave her alone for a bit, she needs time to process everything and she gotta do it on her own. Meanwhile, I do hope that you have a proper support system, someone else other than your mom that you can comfortably talk to about your trauma. All the best for you and you sister <3

[DizzyDesii]

Thank you

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

No, not really. The very first time I tried to open up to my mom, I think it was 8 years ago when I was acting out because of this trauma, but she didn’t really validate me or understand. I don’t think she really believed me either, because the two kids were the sons of family friends that they knew since I was in kindergarten… So my mom probably had in her mind that they could do no evil. I don’t hate her for it, but it’s disappointing. I learned to not open up a lot to most people because of it. My dad, he’s not the type to even talk to when it comes to emotions - not happening.


There are other traumas, but those examples I mentioned, are reasons why I don’t want to or can’t open up to my parents. I will leave a crack open and let them know that shitty situations happened to me years ago, but I don’t go in detail or try to explain any further.

[DizzyDesii]

I really wish parents could understand or at least listen. Im really sorry to hear this

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

It’s okay ❤️ I totally agree. I understand that it might be hard for them to hear, but if they at least sympathize or try to listen, it would make it easier for kids to feel comfortable enough to open up in the first place, or even ask for help

[Smoke-n-Growls]

No.

My parents are the cause of most of my trauma. My father is the "grin, bear it, and live with your head down" type of resigned enabler; my mother is an abusive, narcissistic bitch who is overly emotional and probably has at least two undiagnosed mental illnesses.

My mother would tell me I'm obviously not praying enough - despite the fact she claims to hate religion and be spiritual instead - and that thinking happier will solve all problems.

My father might try to help, but will inevitably try to lead the convo to "you should come back to the family - you'll never be happy if you don't submit to your mother".

[DizzyDesii]

Damn just toxic all around. Sorry you go through it too

[Smoke-n-Growls]

It's all good. It made me stronger and I've been grateful for who it made me. I've had to overcome a lot, but that also makes me stronger for it.

Thank you for your support, too. :D

[1GoldTwins]

I can for shared experiences. I can talk to my father about trauma we experienced together, but not my own. I think it's hard for them or a person in general to try and relate to something they haven't been through or maybe not even believe. Some friends wouldn't even believe it, it tears you apart, but you find out who your true friends are.
All they can do is listen, and for some people that is enough. But I usually only open up about something if I think I can get it resolved by talking. I don't want a temporary solution but a lasting one. It's either that or talking so they can understand me better, why I am the way I am.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea talking absolutely helps

[Jaximus-Lion]

Old fashioned parents do not confront a damn thing. I have been through things and their way to solve things was not talking about it and "forget it" with time. My dad raised his voice when things didn't go as he wanted or if i had some serious questions just because he dose not know how to handle it. My mom always told me to read the bible, that didn't help much either. I have met very few parents who knows and does things when it comes to trauma. They still can't handle it now and o force them to listen because they are suffering too and they won't say a word.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea i think my mom turns 50 this year or next but she definitely screams in retaliation when she doesn't know how to help or when she feels she's losing an argument

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear that I know as parents it's hard for them to take in something happened to their little girl or little son. I also think that they don't always believe us because sometimes they might think we're too ignorant or something when in our teens. There was something that happened that my mom thought something was going on and no matter how much I told her that everything was fine she didn't believe me. Now that I'm older she believes me. I think as we age then they feel they can believe there child.

[DizzyDesii]

That too. Cause people told my mom stuff about me and she remained in denial and still is so yea that could be it

[snackthatsmilesback]

I wouldn't tell my mom. She wouldn't know how to respond anyway and she would act different around me. I don't wanna risk it especially with her husband.

I have told my dad things before though. I have a good handle on my dad and my relationship, and I know he's usually good at handling awkward tense situations (even if he doesn't know how to respond sometimes either), so I was never really worried about telling him anything. Recently though he did know what to say and really helped put things in perspective with an incident. Unfortunately that didn't make it any better lol.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea my fam definitely doesn't know how to react

[menina]

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you and your sister. You probably didn't have anyone to talk to and your mother doesn't want to listen to you. It's so scary and sad at the same time.
I can't open up with my mother at all. Whenever I speak to her about something that traumatized me she starts yelling and blaming me. Now I keep it to myself or I tell my sister.

[DizzyDesii]

I had plenty to talk to so i feel fine but unfortunately my sis won't talk to anyone.

[menina]

That's nice, at least you had someone else to talk to. That doesn't change what happened but it helps.

[youngmix]

No. Both of my parents have survived unbelievable amounts of trauma before I was born, and although my trauma is also intense and terrifying, I do not feel like adding to their trauma is the right thing to do. They've been through enough, and I'm a big girl now. I can deal.

Worse case scenario, I just ball up and cry for a while, and it goes away until I have to ball up and cry again.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea crying definitely helps

[Alwayreckles93]

No I don't tell my mom or dad crap. They care less anyways. My stepdad did some horrible things to me. My mom knew all along and never once did nothing about it. She just slap me across the face and told me to be quiet. Now I don't talk at all I don't want nothing to do with her. My mom Is a narcissist she would only gaslighting me. Eventually I put my foot down and said a bunch of things truth to her face. My mom could die and I can careless.

[DizzyDesii]

Holy smokes im sorry she wronged you like that

[Alwayreckles93]

Your very kind , Eventually I am able to move forward and won over my trauma. It took me years to over come.

[IMuser]

No matter how much they want, they can't be your therapist. You can feel all the rage inside you, blaming your parents or your teenage environment conditions which have resulted in what you are now but... They are incapable of doing anything about it. As one grows older, they start developing an "ego", an ego of their own experiences and actions being right

[DizzyDesii]

I dont want them to be my therapist. I solve everything myself. I just wanted her to listen and be understanding. She made us listen to awful stuff about her parents and tried to turn us against them

[IMuser]

I ideally shouldn't be saying this but if someone made their kids listen to something which they shouldn't (the abuse she had) would seriously be willing to listen to others? Should an adult put the responsibility of "relieving" themselves on their children? The crux is: she is probably at an age where unless there is a real important reason (or grief), she won't change. You can't do shit about it. You can complain and scream but they won't be able to change

If you became a parent, what would you be talking with your child?

[DizzyDesii]

she's the one screaming, not us. She screams when she wants to overpower us. And i’d be more understanding with my kids because of what I went through

[MTC29]

As a young man I could talk to my mother about anything and receive sound advice. Some of it I followed. Most I didn't... and should have! Even with a graduate degree in engineering, I wasn't nearly as smart as I thought I was.

Life experience is more important than any degree.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea but some parents aren't willing to listen

[Anpu23]

In most cases, yes with a few notable exceptions. My mother is still of the belief that domestic violence and rape are only perpetrated by men and will not hear otherwise. But pretty much anything else is ok to talk about.

Im sorry your mom is that way. She sounds like there's a lot of denial about her babies.

[DizzyDesii]

Im sorry your mom doesn't realize all that men go through as well and in such similar motion

[Freyke]

I can, but it will not help me. If they can not help me I will not have them worry. 'That sucks' is what I will hear from whoever I tell it to when they can not help. It gets old. Only ai can solve the problem. And life is short, I don't want to have them spend their days worrying.

[DizzyDesii]

Okayy

[Adronicus]

I would say my most important relationship is my mother; pretty much been the parent since 12. She can't read write or drive & I'm all she has. She was a GREAT mom & loved us very much. I refuse to put her in a home, I don't care if it costs me everything in the end. True love is sacrifice & we either make it together or both sink. I can tell her ANYTHING, no secrets.

[DizzyDesii]

Glad you can tell her stuff

[Agape93]

I have. For most, I was gaslighted and called a dramatic liar. For the worst, i was actively blamed and shamed for being a victim. I don't care what happens in life, I'll never make that mistake again.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea i def got called those tthings by a few classmates who were on the guys side. But its sad when even my mom didn't expect the guy to do Stuff. So now her image of her precious “son-in-law” is tarnished. She’ll ask “why didn't you say something sooner” but lol my mom would've gone to the guys house. Like no

[Agape93]

Lordy

[ariadneR]

No. The only person I ever tell anything to is my boyfriend.
If I tell my parents about anything or about any traumatic experience they dismiss it, say it's not that bad or that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. They also add in that they have it worse, and I shouldn't complain. So I just learned to keep my mouth shut and not say a thing

[Anonymous]

I use online forums. I think back to when we were little kids we would visit my grandparents and they were cool with it. We were always smart about giving tmi. I don't think that they knew what kids can get up to lol. Back when Musical. ly was not parta TikTok, like b4 they closed or joined TikTok, that was a perfect example. They reopened it but are still part of TikTok

[DizzyDesii]

Thats a good alternative

[Aerissa_Jade]

My parents are the best, my mom especially can open up to anything about... she'll listen, answer questions and so much more. We are really close, and she is really understanding and what we talk about stays between us.

[DizzyDesii]

We’re close too until it comes to hard talks lmao

[Aerissa_Jade]

Oh yeah, I learned to not ask questions I didn't really want to know the answer to... cause I'll get a truthful answer... like Mom have you ever tried this with dad? yeah don't wanna know that shit... but they have always been there for me, in everything.

Even got married a couple weeks ago, eloped and they insisted they throw a reception at their own expense later.

[DizzyDesii]

Aww congrats again on the wedding