How do you overcome a personal loss of someone you felt you had unfinished business with?

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

First off, for those that remember me, yes I'm back. I tried to keep the name similar to my old one.

Now for the question, I lost my father in June due to complications from covid. My problem is not only that he passed but I think he was on the verge of accepting me being lgbt, he just never got to say it before he died and it's killing me. I really miss hearing his jokes at family gatherings now.

So how did others find ways to move on in situations like this? I know the usual contenders but curious to see if there are unique answers I haven't given thought to.

[TheBootyChest]

My father passed away in Feb 2020. Just before CoVid hit. But I lost my dad 2-3 years before that. He was dealt a bad hand of dementia AND diabetes. So he wasn't the same man for awhile before he left us. So it was a blessing and a curse. I had time to prepare myself for him to pass away. But even as he was still in front of me, face to face, he didn't always know what was going on. So we never got to hash things out.

I just have to think that he can hear me and say in my heart what I need him to hear. And I think you can think about what you would want him to say, and listen to him in your heart.

I can say all this to you now, but none of it is going to sink in until it is meant to. Trust me I know. I had a friend said no matter what I say right now its not gonna help. But I am still here for you.

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

I'm sorry. I can't imagine the pain of having and not having someone like that at the same time.

Thank you for the idea to try. I don't think he was particularly spiritual so maybe the idea of me trying to talk to him would make him laugh but its worth a try even if its just for myself.

[TheBootyChest]

This is more about you. And what it takes for you to be at peace.

I am not spiritual and neither was my dad. but it's a way to think about things. Especially since you can't bring him back exactly how you want it.

[TheBootyChest]

Thanks for MHO.

[Jamie05rhs]

First of all, Bri, welcome back!

Second of all, sorry you lost your father. 😢

Regarding the specific question you are asking, I have to be honest and say that I don't know the answer to that. But I want you to know that I care. And I hope you find peace and healing in this time. 💙

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Thank you very much and im glad to be back

[Jamie05rhs]

You're welcome!

[SueShe]

I do indeed remember you and I am so sorry for you for your loss. I do wish you all the force and courage to overcome this loss.

One never really overcomes the loss of a dear one, mainly if this person is a parent. The second you overcome the loss is the second you stop caring.

You were lucky to have been able to live more than 40 years with your father and nobody can take those years away from you. I also believe that before passing, he made peace with himself and even though he may not have been able to tell you directly, he did accept your sexuality.

Each loss is individual and everybody deals with it in his/her own way. The most important thing is to never forget, to only put the positive things forward.

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Thank you for your kind words.

I do hope that he did accept me in the end. I know my life didn't end up with what he probably expected from me, then again, rarely ever do parents plans for their children ever work out perfectly.

For now, I just have to get past the idea that the years of little tolerance, silence and disappointed looks were a thing of his past and he was coming around to it.

[PrettyPriya]

Two pretzels for this opinion. You two can share since it is so nice to see Bri back. 🥨🥨

[SueShe]

Because parents have a hard time to adapt and accept evolution of society, they tend to closet themselves in what was acceptable in their own time. However, and I am convinced of it, when those that have such a hard time accepting that their own child is different and represents everything they deny, they start doubting about themselves and what they have done wrong in their education and way of upbringing their child.

However, when the time comes to part from the loved ones, even those that are "different", all grief, anger and disappointment disappears to make inner peace. They may not say it out loud but rest assured that it was the same in your case.

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

❤ thank you.

I think I really needed to hear that, both as a child and as a mother of two.

[SueShe]

@PrettyPriya Thanks. I shall gladly share one of the pretzels with new Ez-Bri-Z

[SueShe]

Thanks for the MHO and hope you are doing well.

[Jessica405]

I lost my dad almost 17 years ago, when I was 11. How did we move on? The answer was that we didn't. Life was like slow motion. My mum was on auto-pilot for months. You learn to live with it. Eventually, after 12 years and a lot of encouragement, she found a new guy. A real gem!

Thankfully, unlike you, we had no unfinished business. It would have been nice to say I love you, one more time, but he went so quickly with no warning. I think unfinished business has to be dealt with in the same way. You don't ever really get over it. You just learn to live with it. It is part of you life for al time.

[Jessica405]

Good to see you back! So sorry, too, for your loss. Having had Covid twice, I know first hand it isn't pleasant.

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Thank you for your kind words.

I totally get the slow motion sentiment. At times it feels like that while at others it feels like I miss days. My dad had health issues but this was unexpected. Perhaps in this case time will need to heal this wound as well.

[Jessica405]

Thinking further... if he had known the end was coming, I am sure he would have accepted you, AND told you so. Talking to my partner about this, he says that so many people "put the world to rights" when they know their prognosis is terminal. Your father may have not known he was about to lose his life.

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Oh he definitely didn't know. He was sick with covid but was pretty much just living his life as close to normal as possible. One day he went to the kitchen and was standing next to my mom, said he was having trouble breathing and was gone soon after.

[Jessica405]

Time is a great healer. But who knows how long "time" is. There will always be things that are reminders of him.

[lightbulb27]

welcome back!

I lost my father and mother over the years, not covid. I felt like I'd addressed a lot with them so didn't have much of this issue. I did have stuff that wasn't said, but it came out later. I did resolve some emotions by going to where I spent time with them or their grave, and have the conversations you need to have. Forgiveness and acceptance is in order. Reading a book on forgiveness or trauma healing might help stimulate those feelings. As well, there are support groups for lost loved ones and that may help open up as group therapy can be healing, if it's a good group. Check your hospital/hospice.

I've heard of severe scenarios that baffled me how I'd handle. I had a female friend of a girlfriend whose father abused her terribly, she didn't have a mom anymore. She had a hard time resolving it as he had died and when she was in a bad mood, it was the most scared I've ever been. I'd never seen such rage! I can make sense of of that now I have better perspective, but I had nothing to offer at the time. Those unresolved emotions can really distort! Ultimately, we all just want to be loved, accepted, connected and a parent abusing or not loving or trusting causes problems. We know right and wrong, even at a young age and those are impressionable years. Parents are so important in our perception and we want them to be proud of us... that seems universal. To not be accepted... does that feel... rejected? abandonded?

Sorry to hear of your loss of your father and hope you find way to reach resolution.

[ShaTTeredMasterpeace]

First off, I'm so sorry for your loss!!

I lost one of my best friends and soulmate in March and I'm still struggling. When he passed we hadn't talked in a minute. I was mad at him over something so damn stupid. He called me that Thursday and then Saturday and I said I would call him back. He was dead that Monday and it eats me up much because I feel like he knew he was going and wanted to say goodbye. No matter what we were going through, I loved him more than I've loved anyone outside of family. And all I can do is hope and pray that he knew that.

Now I just try to hold on to my memories. And I suggest you do the same. I'm not sure of your religious beliefs, but your dad will always be with you in your heart.

[Agape93]

I talk to those who know him very well. Best friends, usually, and talk to them. Out of everyone, they'll be the most likely to know his inner thoughts aside a spouse.

Then regardless, I push it down, celebrate their life and wish them well in what comes next, same as anyone else I love

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

My dad was not what you call a social butterfly. Even when he was working he didn't have many friends and he wasn't particularly close to his family either. So in this case I may only end up having my mom and some of his personal effects to go off of unfortunately.

The second thing I can do though.

[Agape93]

Is she unhelpful?

You got this :)

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

She is defending him which is to be expected. I just truly want to believe this one since it means so much to me.

[Agape93]

I say go for it, whatever brings you some closure

[boggboss]

If u know he was on the verge or knew he was becoming more open about it I would accept that itself as the victory

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Fair enough and this may be the right overall answer, but there is that part of me that doubts he ever would have said it and meant it. He was one of those set in his ways kind of people and most of what I have been told has been coming from my mom who might just be saying it to make me feel better.

[boggboss]

But thats somthing u could never challenge or verify so simply put belive it ehat harm is done by believing it even if it is a lie

[FilmGuy93]

You just have to give yourself time to mourn and disconnect. I recommend taking up a new hobby.

[LemiaOfThunder]

First thing Sorry about your loss. Secondly I lost my dad to cancer 10 years ago, the pain never goes away. Just remember he was proud of you coming out.

[pastuser]

sorry to hear about your father

i lost my father 6 years ago

[pastuser]

@Ez-Bri-Z_v2 how are you doing with your fathers loss?

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Still struggling in some ways. It's been hard to focus at work and I still sort of refused to talk about the funeral stuff with my family. I'm in big time denial about that (I couldn't even go to it).

[pastuser]

@Ez-Bri-Z_v2 none of my buiz but you should have gone to it

[Tstrbrainer]

I'm sorry for your loss.
Over time you will be able to get over it.
When I lost my grandma, I too felt like I could have had more time with her.

[EarthRealm]

Your all idiots
There is no such thing as passing away
When you die it isn’t just some Passing away it’s Fucking painful

[EarthRealm]

And then you wake up in a strange place you’ve never been too not knowing who is who and who’s is going grab you
You didn’t lose anything just like when someone I cared about I didn’t lose that person
They lost there fucking life
Not you not me we’re no victims They are they one that died if anybody deserves to Be upset about dying it’s the one that died.
You’ll never understand it till you yourself Fucking died and woke up and saw And was in a place that you’ve never been

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Charming...