So the ideal, perfect family doesn't exist at all?

[SarahS98]

We're 3 siblings; me the oldest and my 19 year-old twin sisters. Until recently, I thought we were one big, happy family. The ideal, perfect family but I guess when something is too good to be true then it is.

3 months ago, I stumbled into my dad's private journal and read it all. It took me a week to finish it and now I wish I had never read it. I'll cut it short:

- mom and dad started dating since they were 17 year-olds still in HS (they're now 50)

- mom she cheats in 1992 with his best friend in his own house. Dad catches them in the act, in the couch. He punches the friend (never speaks to him again) and breaks up.

- he gives in to mom's pleading, promises to never cheat again.. takes her back

- both work things in counseling, therapy, etc. They still get married in 1996

- I'm born in 1998 and dad still had doubts. He tested me twice and twice it came back 99.99 positive

- dad cheats back (mainly out of revenge) in 2000, had an affair for a couple weeks but guilt gets him and he confesses all. They worked it out again. Mom was more lenient with forgiving him and the R (reconciliation) process was faster since he confessed.

- They made a deal not to bring up each other's cheating anymore and never mention it to anyone, not even us. No cheating since and they still love each other, well in their own distorted ways I guess.

So much for the so called ''big, happy family'' teaching me morals and values to us. Ironically it was mom that was the stricter parent, lol. So the perfect family never exist?

Updates

1 y

My initial shock is slowly subsiding by now. I guess their cheating history is none of my business and I'll let them continue keep their secret. They don't know I know by now but yeah it's going to be one awkward Thankgiving Day dinner this year, lol.
I never knew this. They never told me. They omit this history to me and everyone else in the family. My sisters and others in the family still has an intact image of them, just like I had before.

[mattdzz]

Imagine you have a dirt floor, and your task is to make this clean. You can sweep, disinfect, level it out, but ultimately it's dirt (which is dirty, and cannot be cleaned). We're human- we're all fked up right down to our cores, and none of us are perfect, so any assemblage of people in a family, society, country will be imperfect.

Your mom cheated, and this was a bad thing. Your dad cheated, and this is also a bad thing, but you can get past a bad thing. They have three children who are mostly well put together, and they have the stability of being in a family. Maybe they get upset from time to time for certain things, including the cheating that occurred in the past, but the perfect is the enemy of the good.

You can still have a good family, perhaps better than most, even if there were serious issues at the start. At the same time you can experience something awful in your life, including something that's YOUR fault, and still salvage something good out of it.

Ignorance is bliss, and it's sad that you no longer have the blissful idea that your family is perfect (or that your parents are perfect), but part of becoming an adult is knowing that we all fk up (even people you look up to). They'll let us down, and we'll let them down in some way, at some point. It's uncomfortable for sure, but it's important to not become nihilistic now that you have this knowledge.

[SarahS98]

yeah I wished I had never read the journal. So much for curiosity. It got the best of me.

[mattdzz]

I think of the story of Pandoras box: After letting out all the wicked things into the world, the last thing to remain was hope.

[SarahS98]

yes and my hope is my engagement, my upcoming wedding in March. I'm hoping for the best and that everything goes great.

[mattdzz]

Getting to the alter is the easy thing- but the credits don't roll after you say 'I do.' Take it with a grain of salt, but it may be worth remembering (for your marriage- when he gets fatter, balder, and perhaps more annoying), perfect is the enemy of the good.

[SarahS98]

Thank you for pointing out the inevitable. Yes there will be obstacles along the way and we're going to age eventually. I'll be ready for whatever hardship life throws at me. I do know what I won't tolerate in a marriage. Unlike my parents, I'm a woman that values fidelity. That to me is a basic requirement, so basic that he fails it... then he's worth it. He thinks the same too.

[CruelSun7]

They might have problems in the past but they seem to have found their way to deal with it and as far as I can see, they have raised you in a loving good family. They didn't reflect their problems on you, kids, and they treated you well. I don't see what is not ideal for you there

[SarahS98]

I'm impressed to be honest. They had all those issues and no one knows about it, not even us, not even their friends nor our other family members. Dad never told his parents what she did and mom never told her parents either.

[CruelSun7]

Yeah, they were grown-ups about their problems and they manned up and solved the problem. They probably didn't want to throw out what they had.
I wish they had never done such things as in my opinion it was one of the the things that I would never forgive. But they found enough love in their heart to forgive each other. How is this not perfect?

[SarahS98]

yeah I'll start looking at it that way. I guess since my man just proposed two weeks ago and I'm a virgin waiting till marriage... as I see commitment and sex something so sacred and valuable... I can't understand what they did. They're flawed people that made those bad choices and I became the complete opposite of them when they were my age... impressing isn't it?

[SarahS98]

There is no cheating nor distrust in my relationship, nothing like they had. Then again, maybe I shouldn't compare them nor others to my life.

[CruelSun7]

Well but don't forget that you are still too young and you don't know what is ahead of you, don't you. Today you are judging their actions but you don't know what kind of mental state they were in, what they had in their mind or what made her and him to do the things you think you wouldn't do.

I wish you a good future with your husband-to-be and I hope you never experience such a terrible thing but it could still happen. In my native language there is an idiom "Büyük lokma ye, büyük konuşma" roughly can be translated as "eat a big mouthful, but don't make big promises". It means that we shouldn't judge, critize or humiliate other people for their actions as we may end up in a situation where others could do the same to us. It is not up to use to judge other people

[CruelSun7]

There is no cheating nor distrust in your relationship "for now" or " as long you know ".
Your dad also probably thought the same until he figured out what happened

[SarahS98]

yeah it was devastating to him at the time. He went to individual therapy too, so he can work on the trauma of what he saw that day. He actually saw her cheating.
Honestly, I don't think I can ever work things out if I walk into that. It's bad enough to see you got cheated on or read about it but to actually see it, ouch.
I'm very optimistic and hopefully we I don't get cheated on. Hopefully.

[CruelSun7]

I hope you don't cheat on and get cheated on. I would be devastated, too. Once I love someone, I could never think of sharing her with someone else and therefore, I don't get why some people are into cockolding. My woman is for me, only for me. So, if I saw her with someelse, I couldn't also forgive her.

[SarahS98]

Even worse if it isn't just any random person but your best friend and not just anywhere but in your own house. So basically you got disrespected in your own place too. Yeah I don't see how anyone can come back from that but ok, maybe some people are very strong enough to work it through.

For what he went through, I'm impressed when he cheated back... he opted to confess. My mom got it lightly. She didn't have to go through what he did nor find out; he ended his affair and told her himself.

[CruelSun7]

I think your father just loved you so much that he couldn't break up with her and live without her, which worked pretty nice for you tbh. Nonetheless, he just couldn't be over it and wanted to make her feel what he felt. Maybe he did it or maybe he didn't do but acted like he did so that she could suffer, too

[SarahS98]

Yes that was more than likely the reason. His journal explains about still loving her even after all they went through. I get that he loves me (I'm his daughter after all) but how can he still love my mom after what she did? His journal ended (years later when apparently trust was rebuilt by then) with describing the good things he still saw in her. Basically she isn't a terrible person to him. Now puzzles me.
How can you still love someone that treated you horrible and still see the good in them?

[SarahS98]

To him, the bad person was the friend. He never spoke to him again.

[CruelSun7]

He channalized every bad thing that led his wife into cheating on him into his best friend and I guess it made it easy for him to forgive his wife. Sorry for saying this but maybe it was your mother who seduced him as I know for a fact that some women enjoy being provocative and tease other guys or like just being desired sexually. It gives them a confidence in their womanhood and that resulted in her cheating on her husband. Or maybe your mom was quite attractive back then and your dad's boyfriend seduced your mom. Who knows. But your dad chose to mainly blame him

[SarahS98]

When she in 1992, she was just his girlfriend at the time. They got married in 1996, 4 years after the cheating. As far as who seduce whom, I think it was the friend. A brief part in his journal explained that his friend was a known player type, the bad/jerk guy that girls still complain about.

[CruelSun7]

Girls complain but also get attracted, too. Your mom probably didn't know better and wanted the excitement as well. I hope she has been faithful to your dad since then.

[SarahS98]

yes she's been faithful since. She did followed through her promise of never cheating again. One lucky girl at the time I guess. Rarely do men take back a female cheater they caught.

[CruelSun7]

Yeah, not only men but also women don't take a cheater too and they shouldn't. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It seems your mom was an exception to that.

[SarahS98]

Dad would be exceptional too. Cheating back is still cheating. He didn't cheat anymore either.

[CruelSun7]

Maybe he didn't cheat, though. Who knows. I don't think your dad is a cheater type and I bet he couldn't even do it properly

[SarahS98]

He quitted his previous job and had to work elsewhere. It was with a co-worker he had the revenge affair with and he felt bad about using the other woman. His journal stated that he hated the man he had become, a cheater, a liar and that he didn't have the high morals anymore.
Interesting.. you think you can even the score and teach them a lesson but you end up destroying yourself and feeling guilt, it doesn't make you feel better.

[CruelSun7]

Like the Oedipus.

[CruelSun7]

Thanks for the MHO

[Vesuvius87]

Typical I'm all for bashing cheaters but in this case I'll make an exception. Your parents' decision to forgive and commit to the family that they built together is indeed a very serious decision, which I'm sure wasn't easy. They chose to raise all 3 of your girls, provide a stable environment and chose to keep the family together above their own hurt and anger. The easy decision would have been to leave but they chose to stay and work it out. Not everyone has the strength to endure what your parents did in the beginning and come out stronger. That sounds a serious commitment right there.

Sounds like an ideal family to me... and this is coming from someone against cheating.

[elizamichale1]

So they had issues but sorted but how is that any trouble to u honey n how u r not perfect family if they have been able to sort themselves n keep u all happy huhh

[SarahS98]

I guess I just can't understand cheating and saying you love the person. My man just proposed to be 2 weeks ago and I just moved in with him. I'm waiting till marriage and can't never imagine cheating on him ever (much less with his best friend) and can't imagine taking back a cheater. But yes, my initial shock is slowly subsiding. I won't tell them nor anyone that I know. I guess if they're much stronger by now and happy together, whatever suits them.

[elizamichale1]

Everyone makes mistakes honey n what matters is if they realise it n if they regret it n try to prove themselves then one should always forgive n forget as the past should remain past n just focus on their future relationship

[SarahS98]

After attending a large family reunion on Sunday (was my paternal uncle's b-day) and seeing my parent sincerely happy with each other (I can tell a fake from a real smile), it has soften me up. They rebuilt their relationship from total ruins but by the time I was old enough to form memories, I only knew the happy, stable version. I have no memories of my 1st and 2nd year of my life. My sister were already born with the happy version.
While it's true that not everyone will work things out after getting cheated on (I wouldn't), if they're happy in the end and those ruins became stronger, taller buildings, I think that's all that matters. Thank you. I guess I was being too judgmental about them.

[elizamichale1]

Yup exactly honey they sorted to what matters the most so they r happy n u r happy so no need of being judgmental anymore😊😊

[NerdInDenial]

I have a feeling your first instinct is that your parents are hypocrites, and they have no right to lecture you on what is right and wrong. I say instead of rejecting the strictness, use their teachings as a lessons learned in life. Because love is such a strong positive emotion, it can lead to an opposite equally strong emotion: hate. With such roller-coaster emotions, people can do some crazy things. Despite having made mistakes in their lives, your parents stuck by each other and raised three kids in a stable environment. Do you think your life is terrible? It would have been worse had they divorced.

[SarahS98]

Don't get me wrong. I do love my parents and I'm still close to them. It's just that I'm slowly processing all that information I've just read. I have to see them as people with flaws like anyone else that tried their best in raising us well. I never once felt my life was miserable. I actually have a couple friends that come from broken home and they said they would trade their lives for mine; they wished they had a stable house with parents still together like my parents.

[NerdInDenial]

That's refreshing that you thought your parents are perfect. It means you never experienced anything too traumatic.

[Likes2drive]

Yeah I don’t think they exist because I’ve never heard of one or saw one

[SarahS98]

They sound happy together and even went on a trip (they revisited their honeymoon spot) this year, just a couple months ago to celebrate their marriage anniversary. Growing up, they rarely argued. I would've never figured out they ever had issues. It didn't seemed like it. Wow. I'm impressed to be honest.
Then I find out they had to undergo all that awful thing many years ago to get to this supposedly better stage. When I read about mom cheating, I'm thinking to myself ''My own mom doing that, really, the strict one in the household teaching us values, morals, really? She did that to dad, she screwed his best friend and he saw it in person, what the hell?
Then I was feeling sorry for dad until he cheated back... then I'm like ''you too dad, the less stricter parent that teaches us forgiveness and how carrying grudges damages your soul, how holding anger is like poisoning yourself, you cheated you dad, wow''.

[SarahS98]

Needless to say I was shock to be honest. I'm slowly getting use to seeing them as flawed people that tried their best to raising us. There was nothing ever missing at home. It's just that this is a new information my mind wasn't read to read. I wish I had never read dad's journal.

[Likes2drive]

I guess they did their best to keep you guys from finding out what problems they had and keeping the family together

[SarahS98]

True. Now I'm hoping for the best in my relationship, in my upcoming wedding in March.

[Likes2drive]

Hopefully you learned a few things on what not to do where your parents messed up

[SarahS98]

Yes and I've learned two others things to keep in mind.
- Perhaps I might be lucky and not get cheated on (hopefully) but there might be arguments and other different issues in my marriage. Nothing everything will be perfect and sunny.
- One's happy fairytale is not my fairytale. I suppose if my parents underwent all that and right now are happy with each other, maybe that's their own unique fairytale.

[Likes2drive]

It shows that they at least never gave up hope and still stuck it out

[pascalfornalz]

no family is perfect. all families have some contention or traumas or issues. Whenever there are human beings, there is conflict of some sort.

[SarahS98]

I had a family reunion just on Sunday. Seeing them so happy (sincerely) with each other on my paternal uncle b-day, this soften me up.
I think what I've learned from their story is two things:
- All relationship and/or marriages will have their own issues. It doesn't have to be infidelity (the thing many people break up over with, I wouldn't stay either) but it can still be other problems.
- Everyone's happy fairytale isn't the same.

I don't remember anything from my 1st and 2nd year of my early life (when my parents were still working out their issues). By the time I started forming memories, all I ever knew was the good version with stable parents and a happy household. My sisters were already born with that happy version. Interesting... they rebuilt everything from total ruins bigger, stronger buildings.

[DailyAsk]

Don’t be like your mother, she is a terrible person.

[SarahS98]

I don't think so. While obviously I can't ever imagine doing what she did (I'm actually engaged to my lovely fiance and waiting till marriae... I'm a virgin), according to his journal it does seems she was contrite for years and was trying to be a better person, a new version of what she was.

[DailyAsk]

Virgin ❤️
Still I would never forget anyone who cheats once a cheater always a cheater, no offense to your mom.

[SarahS98]

One thing though, his journal never explained why she cheated. It only explains that she went into details with him and their counseling and therapy session, gave all the reason. But I don't know why. And out of all the guys available, why with his former friend? Oh well..

[DailyAsk]

I thought the same but don’t think about it.
Live your life, their life their mistake.

[Vesuvius87]

@DailyAsk
Since you don't forget cheaters and once a cheater always a cheater (I'm with you on that one too) I'm surprised you didn't mention the father. A revenge affair is still cheating. Even cheating back on a cheater is still cheater. Cheating is cheater. The father was no better than the mother. Both cheated.

[SarahS98]

You know what, whatever the reason was it doesn't matter anymore. All I know is my parents are happy with each other and I was raised in a stable, loving household. If it took them undergoing all that hardship to get to where they are now, ok maybe that's their own fairytale. I do believe they love each other, in their own unique ways.

I'm looking forward towards my own happy, fairytale. March 20 is my wedding.

[MadClown]

@SarahS98 , yeah.
Seems to me they have done a good job raising you.
So give them a little credit lol

[Anonymous]

Perfection does not exist, as we are imperfect humans.

[SarahS98]

True. I made the mistake of putting them in a pedestal and thinking they were perfect. I guess the fact that sorted out all those issues they had when younger and are now much stronger together is impressing.

[Opinion Owner]

Hey, we are all guilty of putting parents or imports figures in our lives on pedestals at one point or another in life. Realizing no one is perfect creates less expectations of people and less disappointment when they aren’t who you thought they were.

[SarahS98]

I've taken time to analyze things and realized I was being childless and judgmental of them before. While it's true that not everyone wants to work things out after infidelity and I wouldn't because it's a lot of work, the fact that my parents took the dedication and time to rebuilt it all (that's going from total ruins to a much, stronger, taller building), succeeded and are happy that's all that matters in the end. Their fairytale is different from others but ok, it's their own fairytale.
Hopefully I get my happy story with my upcoming wedding in March 20.

[BJP21]

Sounds like a shit show of disfunction.

[SarahS98]

I thought it was the perfect family till I read his journal. I regret ever reading the journal. I think it would've been better if I never found this out.