Am I in a toxic relationship? Does he not want to be with me anymore?

[Anonymous]

Long distance interracial relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years, & we met in college. I’m South Asian & he’s African American. The relationship had ups & downs, but a lot of the issues were caused by his bad behavior & communication. Don’t get me wrong, I made mistakes too, but he has done a lot more than me. At first, I told him the situation with my family being from a conservative strict household that they wouldn’t approve of us. Because of this, I don’t plan on them developing a bond since I personally don’t like my family much as well. He was fine with it until his mom kept harping about how he deserves a loving in-law family every time I am mentioned.

Recently, I was kind of upset with him since he didn’t text me the whole day & let me know that he made it home safe. Out of nowhere, he stated that he has been so unhappy for a “long time” with my family situation in regards to our relationship to where he wanted to end it. I was shocked since this came from nowhere, & have been working on figuring out a solution about it like how to start the convo with my mom. He kept making a point to only hear him out, & no solution is needed. But, if it’s gotten that serious to where he wanted to throw it away over something I can’t control, things needs to be done differently. He kept reiterating the same information I already knew.

But, he was really rude to me about it to the point I was crying & told him he hurt my feelings. He didn’t apologize about that nor acknowledged that I am figuring things out on my own now since he’s not contributing much into this research/planning. We agreed to do couple’s counseling for this since we had counseling before for communication skills, and that was his responsibility to schedule it which he hasn’t yet.

I believe he’s being rude on purpose at this point for no reason since I never did anything wrong, I don’t treat him any differently because his mom doesn’t approve of me either. I’m not sure what to do, what do you think?

[SteveSmith1985]

I end up telling a shocking number of women on here, that their relationship is toxic. But I do NOT think that this is a toxic relationship at all (not from what you wrote here at least).

This sounds like some relationship and communication difficulties for sure, but nothing that seems toxic. It's not a 'common' situation you're in, but it's not all that uncommon either. Lots of parents won't accept their kid's partner's or have all different manner of hurdles when it comes to squaring "family" with their relationship.

It sounds like you certainly need to have a conversation about exactly where each of you is coming from. I have no idea if he wants to be with you anymore, but it's something that you need to talk about and get clear on.

It sounds like you guys had a fight. Even a bad fight. And although you didn't go into details about exactly the shape the fight took... nothing about it seemed toxic or abusive on-it's-face (I don't know what happened, maybe I'm wrong about that).

I think that couples counselling is exactly, (EXACTLY) what you two need. I think that's a great idea, and the most promising route forward. Just one suggestion: Why don't you take-on the responsibility of scheduling the counselling instead of resenting him for not having done it yet? The important thing is that it gets scheduled... and you two can hopefully move forward in a more positive way... right? 🙂

[Asker]

It all happened from a distance like texting and phone call (s) so the “shape” of the fight didn’t necessarily lead anywhere in particular besides him going on rants over things I can’t necessarily change and me trying to explain that. I scheduled couple’s counseling in the past before plus he wanted to see with his health insurance’s coverage regarding it hence he wanted to see what he could do about it. That’s why I didn’t go ahead and schedule anything but it is his job either way to do this since I’ve already done my part before.

[SteveSmith1985]

Fair enough if it's practical for him to be the one to schedule the counseling. Your relationship doesn't have to be "toxic" to be an unhappy one.

If you're throwing up your hands and saying "I've done my part already so it's his job" (whether it's about the counseling or anything else) you're basically doomed. You BOTH need to be willing to work TOGETHER, to find a way to make things work. It's also possible this relationship had run its course. I don't know.

Either way, I wish you all the best 🙂

[Anonymous]

At the core, couples counseling might help your boyfriend to communicate his feelings more openly with you, but no amount of talking to your parents, or family, is going to change their "conservative strict" perspective ingrained in them from birth. They say you marry the family along with the person, and the "loving in-law" situation that your boyfriend's family wants for him is something he deserves.

[Opinion Owner]

When he snapped because he said he felt "unhappy for a long time with the family situation", it's because he's pissed that you've known he has been upset about this for months, and yet, you are still "working on figuring out a solution... like how to start the convo with your mom." He is pissed that you haven't just had a blowout with your parents and entire family on his behalf, no questions asked. Your trepidation and inability to come to a solution is all he needs to see where your alliances are deep down.

[Opinion Owner]

All this being said, though, if he verbally abused you and expressed himself poorly, there is no excuse for that. It is a side issue, however, to the core of the relationship issues between you both.

[Asker]

He did mention that he wanted to meet them sooner but those times weren’t the best since my father wasn’t doing well health-wise. I wanted to make sure whenever I did have that convo that we had a safe space to go in case things get really crazy. But again, nothing regarding my side has changed in any way and he knew this from the beginning that was how I wanted to go about the process since it isn’t easy due to me being in graduate school and him having a full time job.

[Opinion Owner]

It's a sad fact, but there are times when logistically, the timing just isn't right for people. I'm not sure the situation can be remediated on your own. If your boyfriend has had it, he may not be willing to wait for the timing to improve for you to have the conversation with your parents. And even so, will the outcome be to his satisfaction? It is hard to know.

[Asker]

It will not be to his satisfaction because I already have a good gauge of what’ll happen based off stories I’ve heard with people in similar situations. It’s like either way he won’t get what he want regardless if he speaks to her face to face or not, so I don’t see the point of putting it all on me as if I can change people’s minds. I literally never treated anyone better in my whole life than him, and him wanting to back out over something like this is just mentally traumatizing.