I am almost 30 years old and my parents still control my life. Is this normal?

[lemonette]

Since I still live with my parents, I am not sure if I need to think about it...

[AMS700CX4u2]

Since this is a world wide web and I don't know from where you are writing my answer ma be vague. In some cultures I would imagine that women stay with their parents until they are married, but after marriage you and your spouse are "free to roam the continent" "Get into your own trouble and figure out how to get out of it on you own" Many parents bear resentments because their relationships did not work out the way they had expected. So they try to act as a project manager, living vicariously through her kids. Sometimes I think such actions cause high suicide rates. Americans have high expectations, we live in a world where we are taught that if we become educated and work hard and go the extra mile, success and security wait for us. I am sure that the individuals that lost their positions in 2009 never expected to to feel the bus tires rolling over them. So I am sure that your mom feels that she is acting in your best interest. Read the comments that others have sent in, They raise some good points that I have not covered. Realize that too much Estrogen in a confined space will become explosive as it reaches critical mass. It is nature. I hope you can work it out..

[monorprise]

If you live in their house you have to follow their rules.
I know its not economically reasonable to expect a young person just starting their career to be able to afford their own place today in most cities but that is the rules.

The solution to the problem is in addressing the issue of why you can't move out.

You can still currently address this issue using several actions:
1: Find a husband or roommate to share said living expenses with.

2: Move to a location where the cost of living is not so prohibitve for the pay of the jobs.

3: Secure more or higher paying work.

Beyond those options like most of your generation your kind of screwed as a result of a century of inflationary spending, expensive regulations, forced exposure to comparability low skilled forign competition either via said trade deals or immigration driving down the market value of whatever you have to offer at this point in your life.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Are they though? Or are they trying to control what goes on in their home? And do you pay them any money to live there? I had a controlling mom, but see I then moved out at 17. You can’t expect to live in anyone’s home rent free and not expect there to be rules. My daughter moved back in with me I don’t know how many times, and mostly wasn’t paying anything. And damn straight there were rules to her staying there. What she did outside of my home is her business. But what went on in mine was mine… If you don’t like the rules, then you have a choice to not live there🤷‍♀️

[RangerBlue22]

If she was paying them rent and/or had a plan to move out she would of mentioned that but she didn’t.

On one end I know times are tough for younger generations to make it on vs older generations. They got to deal with inflation, outrageous rent prices, the recession, etc. Being a homeowner is damn near impossible for most middle class people in most of the country.

But on the other end there is a lot of bs entitlement millennials have been brainwashed with. It did start with some plausible arguments about it being tougher for their generation. But really a lot of them don’t want put in any effort yo improve themselves.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

@RangerBlue22 I agree! And it’s not just tougher for the younger generation. It’s tougher for everyone these days. People are struggling more, losing their homes. And to me, it’s not wrong if young people still need their parents help, it’s when they don’t appreciate what their parents do for them or think they don’t have to respect their parents or their parents home just because they’re adults. I would never move in to my mom’s and disrespect her, her house, or her rules.

[RangerBlue22]

These kids are being brainwashed in colleges (and society) to hate the so called “system” and their parents are supposedly a part of that by extension. Like they deserve reparations or such nonsense. Yes times are tougher but that doesn’t give you an excuses to be entitled and lazy and not try.

I got some differences with my folks but I always respected their independence, hard work and resilience. They are pretty well off but they did it all on their own. No inheritance. No winning lotto ticket. No student loan forgiveness crap.

Anyway she needs to get a job. That should be her number one first mission. I don’t care if she’s a coffee barista or bagging groceries. Once you start making money that you actually worked for it increase your self confidence. That will enable to move on to bigger and better things.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

@RangerBlue22 exactly!!! My kids are 24 and 26 and doing it on their own. I help when I can, but truth be told my 24 year old damn near better off than I am at the moment, so it CAN be done, even in today’s economy. If people would get over this “entitlement attitude”

[Jackblue]

Can be done is not the same as reasonable. Historically there have been kings who were born as slaves, but that doesn't mean that it is a breeze advancing in life. Nobody is asking for reparations, but self-righteous behavior by the older generations is exactly the reason why we are having problems today. You spent recklessly in the government without the taxes to back it up, and you demanded higher and higher test scores from students to make it through school. In the old days a man with high school degree could get a comfortable office job, now he is lucky to stack crates. Older generations need to control their ego.

[RangerBlue22]

I went through a temporary depression when I moved back home at 23 for 9 months. I graduated from college but couldn’t find a job. My old school parents were absolutely bewildered. They thought once you get a college degree everything just magically opens up for you.

So after being unemployed for two months (and being turned down over 15 times for applications). I finally took a low paying job working at a fitness gym). Then I looked around and find a part job doing corporate marketing. Then it turned into a full time job. I then used what I learned to do work on the side. 2 years later I had my own small company. At 26 I had my own office and remote staff. One year I made over 6 figures (before the economy collapsed in 2009) but still I had experience and clout. That helped me land good paying jobs down the road.

The point is you need to start working somewhere. If you don’t like it use your extra time to train yourself for other better paying jobs.

College never taught me any of that. What I do now and absolutely nothing to do with my degree. Zero. But I taught myself.

[SoftCliff]

I don't quite agree with this answer. People assume that if you're past a certain age and still don't live on your own, then you're a leech, or parasite.. What if she's in a bad financial situation, or doesn't make enough money to get her own house and can't move out right now?

Does living in someone else's house really give them the right to be abusive or toxic, or disrespectful and try to dictate her choices (like what to wear, who she's gonna be friends with) etc. If you're just talking about rules such as helping with the housework, not listening to music at certain times etc. that's different and it's totally reasonable

[RangerBlue22]

@SoftCliff she at least needs to be TRYING to become independent. She never mentioned ever having a job.

[SoftCliff]

@RangerBlue22 I agree with you she should, if she doesn't.
I clicked on her profile out of curiosity and it says she works in Sales. Not sure because the question doesn't mention any details. Oh well

[RangerBlue22]

@SoftCliff she didn’t leave many details which wasn’t helpful. That makes people assume the worst. Like she is just hoping some magical opportunity or some rich man to come save her.

My parents treated me like crap when I moved back home briefly at 23. They assumed everything would magically work out after college graduation. It doesn’t work that way for most people. But I didn’t give up.

[SoftCliff]

@RangerBlue22 Yes you're right. More details would be more helpful.
Unfortunately some parents see their child as a project and extension of themselves rather than a person of its own with his/her own struggles, hopes, dreams etc. and will abuse the normal parental role of guiding their children and becoming overly possessive and controlling to maintain their self-esteem... Idon't know why people are so oblivious to the fact some parents aren't good

[SoftCliff]

@RangerBlue22 and always assume that it's the kid's fault.. We don't know what might be going in someone's life

[RangerBlue22]

@SoftCliff “ Unfortunately some parents see their child as a project and extension of themselves rather than a person of its own with his/her own struggles, hopes, dreams etc.”

Well you just described my own mother to a tee above. Even after I owned my house and had been financially independent for years she STILL was trying to control and manipulate me to whatever she thought was best for her image. So I know exactly how that feels. I actually put up a very firm boundary with her a few years ago. I only talk to her during holidays and family events but rarely between. Her criticism was counterproductive and backward 90% of the time. She was born a beautiful woman and has zero idea what life is like for the vast majority of men.

But here is the difference. If you expect handouts and free rent as an adult then you don’t have any weight to push. You are not entitled to financial support just because you breathe air. I had to work hard, take risks and make sacrifices to make it on my own. I made big mistakes at times too but I owned to them and bounced back. It didn’t happen overnight but I made it.

[RangerBlue22]

But this all circles back to where my original criticism is. It’s just the entitlement some people have that pisses me off. Also call me sexist all you want but I noticed that able bodied young women especially act more entitled for financial support whether it be from their family or the government. Young men are usually given a much harsher expectation to be independent financially. I noticed how my little sister got all her rent paid for by my folks all through college. I only got help the first year and after that I was on my own. I also recall other girls I knew in college and more often then not they were getting familial financial support as well vs the guys I knew.

Anyway she should be asking herself the following: “how can I become an independent adult so my parents can’t control me” vs. what she asked above. One question has an answer that ultimately gives self confidence and agency. The other is about entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Your question needs more details. In what way do they want to control your life? In terms of who you date, how you should organize your private life, what career you have, how you spend your free time and with whom, how you dress etc? If this is the case, I think the issue is that you haven’t imposed personal boundaries yet and haven’t made them understand that you are now the boss of your own life and capable of making your own decisions.

If they still insist then move out and start your life the way you want

[JamesDiaz11]

It depends on what you mean "control your life." If you live with your parents and they don't want guys coming over/ sleeping over, then yea, they're perfectly in line enforcing that.

If you mean, they tell you what you can wear out, then that's probably crossing the line. As far as what you're doing with your life (work, school, etc.) they may have strong opinions on these things, but ultimately if they're good suggestions (and you're 26 still living with your parents) they may be worth listening to.

[AmandaYVR]

Common, but not healthy.

If you can't assert yourself while living with them, you'll have to move out. It's the only way to get some distance and autonomy.

Really, you should speak to them in a way that lets them know, this is not optional. "I know I'm your daughter, but I'm a grown woman now. You did your job. It's up to me now." And then don't let them retort with whatever nonsense they want. Cut it off, leave, and change your behaviour around them. Avoid them if you have to.

But the better way is to face them, and make them understand it's time for them to change. You are no longer a little girl.

[CubsterShura]

It's normal but it's not okay.

Also, what do you necessarily mean by control? If you simply mean living with your parents, that's fine, in many parts of the world that's the norm. But if they are dictating your choices like what to wear and stuff that's not okay. I have parents who can get very controlling and I understand the frustration. Start with making small boundaries and work your way up. My mother would try to get me to wear what she wants me to wear, but I one day told her she can buy something for me but if I don't want to wear it then it will just sit in my wardrobe never being worn. She bothers me less since. If you want to do something just do it without telling them. My mother didn't let me change my nephew's diapers when he was a baby because she thought I won't do it properly, but one day he was with me when I realized I need to change his diapers and I just did it, and I did it properly too. THEN I let my mother know, see I did it, I can do it. Try it!

[Anonymous]

Control your life how? I mean you still live w them at 26 years old so as they say their house their rules. My stepdaughter is the same age as you. We don’t try to control her life but we do have rules as far as coming in all hours of the night, helping out around the house as far as cooking, cleaning, etc. She’s expected to pay some bills which is maybe 2-300 a month while I pay about $1200 a month for all other expenses. We’re not having men over that’s for sure. Now if they’re trying to control what you wear, what you eat, etc, that’s different. But you still live w them, so maybe it’s time to move out. I did when I was 18, so did my brothers. Different standards beaten men and women.

[BlueScorpio]

Unfortunately yes, your parents get the say so in pretty much anything since you are still living underneath their roof. If you don't like this constant hovering, them you're only chance is to try to move out. You can try getting another job or see if you can look into roommating, otherwise if you can't you might have to deal with it until you can get back on your feet again.

[Paulalove98]

No not at all normal. You are an adult. I am 24 and still live with my parents and my dad was strict with me as a kid and late teens but I don't try to let him control my life at all and he doesn't, I just help with bills. You should speak up or start to save so you can move and have your independence.

[Paulalove98]

I bet if you save for a year or two you'll have a good chance of getting a decent apartment.

[Paulalove98]

After the holidays are over I'm gonna start saving more.

[Paulalove98]

The only thing I have is a curfew for my own safety and well being as the dangers it is out at late night but my parents don't care if I leave for the day or wanna hangout with friends or my boyfriend.

[Caramalkisses23]

Depending on the culture, I do find that it can be normal if you are not married. However, if that type of culture does not relate to you then maybe that is something you need to figure out. Like, why do you allow your parents to control you? Can you move out? Are there certain things stopping you from moving out?

[HippieVeganJewslim]

Many folks find some cultures wrong. I mean, must Iranian women really wear hijāb? Is wearing the wrong hijāb OK to get one killed?

[msc545]

@HippieVeganJewslim They have to wear it or get the shit kicked out of them as you would know if you had even been there. I m not sure there is a "wrong one" so much as one that does not cover properly. It is their culture and religion and thus their issue, not mine.

[HippieVeganJewslim]

@msc545 oy vey, we’re not talking about religion. Jews, Xtians, Muslimas, etc must wear hijāb. If in Iran, do what Iranians must. I just hate how people are biased against Iran and even Islam. Love the country, hate (some of) its laws.

[msc545]

@HippieVeganJewslim They are Muslims - all of them. How do you not know this?

[HippieVeganJewslim]

@msc545 No, brother. In Iran, there are some Jews and Xtians with synagogues and churches. Look up those temples in Tehran. Just because most of its citizens are Muslims, doesn’t mean all of them are.

[Caramalkisses23]

@HippieVeganJewslim the hijab is for modesty. I see nothing wrong with it. It becomes wrong when some people blur the lines between culture and religion and become so strict that it causes harm to someone. For example, is it wrong to wear mini skirts and a small tank top outside? Some will say no. But if it causes people to get raped and sexually abused will you disagree with the way that person dress or the other persons actions? Islam is not bad. I don’t believe any religion is. It’s the mentally ill people who abuse the word of God. Regardless of religion.

[HippieVeganJewslim]

@Caramalkisses23 blur the lines? If a woman wears mini-skirt and tank top, and later gets assaulted, that’s the assaulter’s fault, but she can be less likely to be assaulted by dressing modestly. I’m mentally ill and don’t abuse G-d’s word. I commit sins and repent.

[Caramalkisses23]

@HippieVeganJewslim the point I’m making is the hijab is not wrong. Islam is not wrong. U have certain people in any religion that overdo the written word.

[HippieVeganJewslim]

Amen, it’s not, I know. I reverted to Islam, so I know that more than many. Kippa ain’t wrong, shpitzel ain’t wrong, bindi ain’t wrong, kufi ain’t wrong, turban ain’t wrong, and others ain’t wrong.

[Finchie40]

No it’s not normal but you have to remember you are your parents baby girl no matter what , So their instinct is to protect you no matter what from doing dumb shit , Why it’s best to get on your own feet and move out and not depend on your parents to much , parents have have a lot of control over their child’s life especially if the child is depending on them to take care of them , so to break free from that you have to focus on getting on your own 2 feet

[Kreneman]

That is not normal and you need to break that control. Your Parents already raised you and now it's time for you to operate in the world on your on because they won't get out of that pattern of control unless you leave especially since its their house and thier rules.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

If parents control your life then save money and get a section 8 place that helps you pay part of your rent and some landlords pay for bills, but this all depends on where you live not all places I'm sure have section 8 housing

[AimeeKyle]

Sort of…. You have to make a personal decision / stance to feel and be independent. For me it was late 30s before I confronted my personal thoughts/feelings and reduced/eliminated the stress I had/felt.

Once you get to that place, it truly is a great place to be. Good luck with your journey.

[RangerBlue22]

If you are financially dependent on them then you have less of a leg to stand on. Hate to say it but you gave up your freedom in exchange for financial support. Do you even have a job?

You should at least insist to pay rent. Even if it’s not that much money it does establish a change of principle.

But really you need a plan and path to make yourself 100% financially independent and to move out of the house. The self respect is worth it.

[MrHopper]

I think living with them is the key, you are still under their "protection" so to speak and under the rules they set for their own house, once you move out its totally different. I lived at home until i was about 32 and used to have to do things the way they wanted, not allowed to have a shower at 6am etc

[SoftCliff]

What if they are disrespectful to her and criticize everything she does and try to dictate her career choices, for example? That's totally different to setting rules such as for example, helping with the housework etc.

[MrHopper]

I agree that is different.. It's not a great situation to be in either way, gaining your own freedom and removing your self from the direct need for them (e. g. a place to live) will remove the need to appease. It's not "normal"in my eyes, but I been lucky to have a mum who loves me and supports me no matter

[SoftCliff]

Yeah I agree it's a toxic situation to be in and she should look for a job (if she's not working already) and move out asap for her own sanity. I just said that, because a lot of people say "their house, their rules here"
You're lucky you grew up in a supportive environment, not all people have this luxury

[Pudsmucker]

You're 30 something and why are you still living in your parents house. I can understand if you hit a rough patch in your life. Most people I know your age were living on their own or had roommates. You might be going back to school I have no idea. Parents do have a tendency to think they got to control their children's lives. Just ask them to give respect as they ask for respect for you.

[Prettygurl12]

If you live in their house then you have to abide by their rules and it is perfectly reasonable for them to expect you to do so.

If you do not want to have them control your life (abide by their rules) then you should move out. If your living situation doesn't bother you, then stay. As long as everyone is fine with the arrangement then everything else doesn't matter.

[Paul09]

Well I hope you are saving up. And paying them some cash monthly. It is weird that they control your life. I understand if they would want you to do your part at home. But making decisions for you is very bizzare. When you save up enough you can buy a place and move out. I only moved out at like 33 years old. Bought a condo. But my parents were not control freaks. They had many opinions , also wanted me to stay until I got married lol. But I did not want to get married.

[Sour-rose]

Honestly, no, not in anyway. By the time you're 30, living with your parents is one thing. But letting your parents say whatever that's your business is not normal. I don't know your situation but once you're 30 or even past 27, you have to have your shit together and only have slight thoughts about your parents. They did their part in making you ready for the world, so now it's time to jump in and start swimmin'.

[tiamatx]

No. Get a life and move out. Both for your and their sanity. The process might be gradual. Star doing things. And just remember that life is not 0/1. You can have good relation with your parents while not being the small child anymore (or the child they will never stop seeing in you).

[Anonymous]

I don't know what your financial situation is whether you are working part-time, working full-time, going to school part-time/working full time or going to school full-time and working part-time. But for the sake argument I will assume you are working. If your parents are not asking you to pay rent. Use this time to save money and eventually move out and get your own place. Once you have your own place your parents will not interfere in your life as much. Don't consider living alone as daunting and lonely, you have to do what's best for you.

[mobiusforniner]

I am 36, live away from my parents. They still try and tell me how to manage my life. They claim they know all about me despite living on my own for longer than i lived with them.