What do you think of this family problem/situation Pt 2?

[Amy10223]

(Continued)

It seems R., is mad at him for not calling him while he was in the hospital for a procedure he needed. E. didn't call because my older sister told him not to call him --because R would be sad, crying, etc. After he came home, he complained to me that E had not called him in the time he was in the hospital. I had spoken to my younger brother (E) when R got home--and so I thought he'd call or visit--but he didn't. Part of this is due to the fact that R has been nasty to E in the past, many times. He (R) has done the same with me as he has a bad temper and a short fuse. He doesn't do this with his other sisters--only E. and myself.

E's 60th birthday was on the 9th, and neither R nor A called or even texted him for his birthday. His best friend made a party for him. I couldn't go because of my older cat, but I would have gone otherwise. He has mentioned to me that he is very hurt they both didn't call him. The older sister--A., is also mad at him because--when she went on vacation last month--she made a group conversation on her cell and included 3 people--R, E, and myself--and E told her to please take him off the group chat. He did not know she was going away for a long time. She took that personally-- has told me so--yet she has done the same thing many times when E., includes her in a group chat.

My feelings are-my younger brother doesn't know how to defend himself when it comes to his older brother and sister. He himself will go weeks on end without talking to them because of the way they are, apparently. The older brother has told me that he will not help him out anymore because of the fact he didn't call him while he was in the hospital--even when my older sister had told him not to. E might have misunderstood and could have called--but he told me he wasn't sure if R would be able or willing to talk being he was weak from the surgery--but also--they both don't get along.

Updates

1 y

Reposting this. Will you let me know how you feel about this, what would be ideal, and what you would do if you were me?

[SnowedIn]

My heart hurts reading this. I'm so sorry.

Here's the thing: I feel like R and your sister are trying to work with E as if he was 100% on the same social function scale as they are -- in no way impugning E, just his brain works differently than mine or yours, etc. And, to me, that's the prob.

What I don't know is if there's anything that you realistically can do.

My first gut instinct is to let this go. Let time sand off some of the rough edges. My read on what you wrote is that neither R nor your older sister are going to give in/give ground let alone recognize they did anything wrong. So, let it go. From what it sounds like, E can take care of himself for the most part, so -- again, based on what you wrote -- this sounds like a frustrating inconvenience, but not a situation where E's health is compromised.

Again, terribly sorry. :(

[Amy10223]

Thank you for your comment. The reason I am worried about E, is that he has told me he has no one (he is pretty much a "work and come home to relax" kind of guy) but a few friends and is very disappointed in his two older siblings. You're right--they know he has this disability and don't realize that he doesn't or can't act the same way they do, and thy expect him to. He also suffers from anxiety because of it. I simply told him that if he needs help in the future to let me know.

[SnowedIn]

This is a far out solution, but I offer it for what it's worth. Two suggestions actually.

The first would be a local church. They often have groups/team/ministries in which someone comes to a house some number of times per week or month for assistance or just company. No obligation to the church or even religion, but it's an option for human contact.

Another out of the box idea is go to the university or college near you. See if they have a program for students to work in home health, or dealing with those who are challenged -- you may find they have folks who need clinical hours or something like that.

It would provide your brother some company and human contact.

[Amy10223]

I think going to school and taking some courses would be good for him. He is actually 5 years away from retirement and. can do that for social enjoyment. Thanks for your thoughts!

[SnowedIn]

Thank you for MHO!

[ShiftingMonke]

It sounds like R is not interested in the bare minimum to keep his brother happy, even though it takes almost no effort at all. R set him up with the 'call, don't call' as a false flag to write him off completely.

A dropped the ball too, but I don't think it was intentional.

[Amy10223]

It seems like that to me, too, about R. I feel he is using this as an excuse to not talk to him, or bother with him for awhile, anyway. Not sure oof you saw that A was the one who told E not to call--so E was kind of stuck as to what to do. As for A--I dont think it was intentional, but at the same time, she had also not called him on his milestone birthday. She is taking what he told her about taking him off the group chat personally. I feel she's mad at me--for not calling her back when I was studying for a Japanese test. I studied 4 days--it was that tough and confusing, and I didn't want to talk for hours as she like to do. Called her a week ago, and she still hasn't called back. Hmmm

[ShiftingMonke]

Ah, yes, you're right. That is pretty damning.

Not to put on a tinfoil hat, but it would seem your siblings have set a plan in motion to abdicate themselves from any amount of assistance or recognition for their 4th sibling. That's pretty terrible to consider, but seeing you've got previous experience with developmentally challenged, I can see with my lizard brain why they would do such a thing. Not an excuse, also very much not cool.

[Amy10223]

My mother protected him, and nows he's gone. I think the two of them, from what I have seen, have not treated him kindly since she died. They have also helped him on many occasions. I have noticed that whatever the older sister thinks--is what the older brother also thinks and get a feeling she influences him. So what I have told my younger brother is that if he ever needs help of any kind, to call me. Yes, he can be a pain. But I don't think it's fair to expect him to act sophisticated at this point in time. Thanks for your input. This was hard to follow.

[ShiftingMonke]

Don't mention it. My wife worked as a teachers aide in the life skills classroom, and she watches some of her former students as a short term emergency sitter in our home. I've got plenty of exposure to the subtle ways that people like your brother cause you to see the world a little differently. Frankly I can't fathom doing what they appear to have done; I've not walked a mile in their shoes either.

[Amy10223]

It's a lesson in itself. Luckily there are many people such as your wife who care for these beings. It takes patience that many don't have. We can learn many things about ourselves, from them!

[AviatorTom]

Amy, you've written a very interesting tale of your family dynamics, and I see the difficulty you face. If I were you, I would support your brother E in whatever he does. There's nothing you can do to change the way your brother R or sister A treat E.

E is lucky to have a big sister like you.

[Amy10223]

Thanks, Tom. It is frustrating but what you said is what I'll be doing. I needed others' views to see if I was not overreacting. It seems that it took me a while to figure out what's been happening.

[Jennz6]

I’m not really sure