My father placed me as the beneficiary on his retirement application, is mom right to be pissed off at him?

[Anonymous]

A couple months ago my father filed a social security retirement form online and he's waiting for the update. He placed me as the beneficiary in the event he were to pass away.

My mom isn't just upset with him. She's super furious and at this point doesn't trust him anymore. She feels devaluated/not trusted as a woman, as a wife because she would've placed him as the beneficiary if she were filing her form. Is she right to be super pissed off?

Updates

+1 y

He also placed me as the one in charge of making medical decision in case he can't do it himself. She's pissed off at that too. She's so furious with him at this moment. She doesn't want to speak with him now.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

While your mother's anger is valid in this situation, I have no doubt that your father's decision to place his trust in you regarding these important issues is also valid. I can't speak to what their marriage is like, but it sounds like he trusts you to respect his wishes about what he wants with these very important things more than he trusts your mother. She has every right to be angry at knowing he doesn't trust her enough to let her handle those decisions, and your father has every right to believe that she won't act in his best interests but you will. I would make sure to have discussions with both of your parents at some point, not about this situation but about what they would like you to do should it get to a point where you have to make tough decisions about their care. I did the same thing with my mother, discussing how she'd like to be taken care of should she develop conditions like alzheimer's, or how she'd want her remains handled. It's good to be prepared and know their wishes ahead of time.

[Asker]

They have a loveless marriage but yes it's understandable she's very upset. According to her, she still would've placed my father if it were her form. I'll wait till she calms down more so I can talk to both of them.

[MORPHEUS_12]

There are a lot of variables here and a lot to unpack. For starters, a BIG FLIPPING whoop he added you as his beneficiary. If you are an adult you are NOT going to get any more than the social security death benefit which is a whopping $255! You can not bury someone with that! Another thing is that because your Mom is married to your father upon his death she still qualifies to receive money monthly as a survivor benefit and that is based on his work credits while he was working. Now, had he made you the beneficiary of his million-dollar life insurance policy then your mom has every right to be pissed. I personally would not be to hurt over it. Also, the Federal government does not acknowledge a state-drafted Power of Attorney. He can grant you a Durable Power Attorney BUT he would be wise to include an addendum that states that you have the explicit rights to make medical decisions because a basic POA is usually for financial matters. I would imagine that your father filled out the social security form to add you as a representative payee which allows you to control everything pertaining to his money. It allows you to control what account that money goes into etc. Another variable is that we do not know your mom's finances. He might have done this because he knows she is and always will be financially stable no matter what.

[TheSpaceGnome]

They both should have you as the beneficiary, your younger and thus will likely live longer.

[Asker]

My mom isn't on the age of retirement yet. She would have to wait 4 years later to fill out her form. That makes sense since I'll outlive them but yeah I guess he could've have added her too. There was another question on how gets to make medical decisions for me if he can't and I was included there too and not her; mom is also pissed off at that.

[inhua]

seems like she's been pissed at him for a long time before the retirement application

[Asker]

Yes they've been in a loveless marriage for the longest. The love they have for each other is the same as you would care for a roommate but not the romantic way anymore. The passion has died long ago.

[provokeesmokee]

Based on her reaction, he made the right call. He probably also expects you to care for her (better than she could for herself) in his death, but I'd double check with him.

Besides, does she have retirement income?

[Asker]

She has to be 62 to claim retirement benefits. She still has 4 years to wait.

[alice55]

Money things it's logical he put you cause you'll live longer than your mom and touch the money longer for the other things it's a bit weird maybe they don't love each other anymore

[Asker]

Yeah it's been a rocky marriage for the longest. They don't have passionate love in there, just companionate. But it was a shock to her because she would've placed my dad on if it was her form. According to her, she said the husband or wife should always go first, not the children.
I have to admit, I kind of knew he wouldn't placed her as the beneficiary nor the one in charge of making medical decisions if he can't. However, she's still in shocked at this moment.

[alice55]

If it was a rocky marriage then he surely stayed married to her out of covenience so not surprising he didn't chose her and she's a weird one, in France we say it's the children first and the rest after but always the child first.

[Asker]

True. They're marriage have been similar to how roommates get along. They haven't been in love for the longest. It sucks that many other people like them are stuck on loveless marriages.

[Asker]

**Their marriage

[alice55]

They're not stuck, it was just more convenient to them to stay together so long as they don't have big fight it's ok. My parents had violent marriage it was definitely rough to watch so one where they're just roommate don't sound bad

[KrakenAttackin]

Sounds like your mother has nagged TF out of your Dad one too many times.

[Asker]

They have a loveless marriage for the longest anyways. Meanwhile my mother isn't the type to divorce to collect money (otherwise she would've done that long ago when she was much younger if she wanted to but never did), is there a point if someone just stays married to you but isn't in love with you... and you guys are just treating each other as roommates that get along most of the times? I believe they're just together out of convenience mainly and because the dating market isn't great for people in their mid 50's or very late 60's. Besides several times, I recall dad telling me that if he were divorced, he would be happily living his life as a single man, watch TV all day long, go for a walk at times, collect his retirement benefit and not care about dates, nor a girlfriend (he wouldn't want to start over at all.. he doesn't another woman, he wants nothing) nor drama anymore.

[Asker]

Looks like a bad deal, lately either people are divorcing more often or if they don't but stay married, then it's a loveless (roommate style) marriage, no passionate love at all.