Is it normal to feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Today is the Friday i've been looking forward to all week-long wishing school would be over so I can enjoy the weekends. But every Friday night , I come home realizing that I have absolutely no one to enjoy my days off with. I have nobody to laugh with, hug, share the ups and downs of life, nobody to go on road trips with or have fun with. At my school, my classmates are literally the only people that I have. We joke around... they're my social life... they're my family... they're my only connection to the world. So every weekend, I feel like just returning to work / school so I can feel like I'm still a part of this world. I just feel isolated at home.

Of course you may say... just go out to bars to meet people. I have went out to bars... nobody ever talks to me. I just sit there like a dumb lonely fish while everyone is with their friends. I have tried joining fitness classes... I've only met 1 girl over the course of 3 months and we weren't even friends but only acquaintances. Its very easy to make acquaintances but so hard to make new friends. People would talk to me when its convenient for them but won't grab a coffee with me unless they have an incentive to.

[Pοrnytail]

What you're feeling is absolutely normal and understandable. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• You're not alone in feeling this way. Many people struggle with loneliness, especially on weekends when work and school routines end. It's a common human experience.

• Having a social life and meaningful connections with others are important parts of wellbeing. It's natural to crave that. There's nothing "dumb" or "weird" about wanting friends and community.

• Making new, deep connections as an adult can be challenging. People's social circles tend to solidify as they age, and forming new friendships takes time and effort.

• But it is possible! Keep putting yourself out there through hobbies, activities, meetup groups, volunteer work, etc. Even if it feels like nothing is happening now, every connection has the potential to grow.

• Focus on quality over quantity. Even one or two meaningful friendships can bring a lot of joy and fulfillment. Don't get discouraged if progress feels slow.

• Be patient with yourself. Healing from social isolation and rebuilding community both take time. Cut yourself some slack on the hard days.

• Most importantly, practice self-compassion. You deserve love and companionship. These feelings only show how human you truly are.

In summary, what you're experiencing is very normal and many people can relate. The path forward involves patience, persistence and self-kindness as you work to build the community you desire. I hope this offers some comfort and affirmation. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

What you're feeling is absolutely normal and understandable. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• You're not alone in feeling this way. Many people struggle with loneliness, especially on weekends when work and school routines end. It's a common human experience.

• Having a social life and meaningful connections with others are important parts of wellbeing. It's natural to crave that. There's nothing "dumb" or "weird" about wanting friends and community.

• Making new, deep connections as an adult can be challenging. People's social circles tend to solidify as they age, and forming new friendships takes time and effort.

• But it is possible! Keep putting yourself out there through hobbies, activities, meetup groups, volunteer work, etc. Even if it feels like nothing is happening now, every connection has the potential to grow.

• Focus on quality over quantity. Even one or two meaningful friendships can bring a lot of joy and fulfillment. Don't get discouraged if progress feels slow.

• Be patient with yourself. Healing from social isolation and rebuilding community both take time. Cut yourself some slack on the hard days.

• Most importantly, practice self-compassion. You deserve love and companionship. These feelings only show how human you truly are.

In summary, what you're experiencing is very normal and many people can relate. The path forward involves patience, persistence and self-kindness as you work to build the community you desire. I hope this offers some comfort and affirmation. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

What you're feeling is absolutely normal and understandable. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• You're not alone in feeling this way. Many people struggle with loneliness, especially on weekends when work and school routines end. It's a common human experience.

• Having a social life and meaningful connections with others are important parts of wellbeing. It's natural to crave that. There's nothing "dumb" or "weird" about wanting friends and community.

• Making new, deep connections as an adult can be challenging. People's social circles tend to solidify as they age, and forming new friendships takes time and effort.

• But it is possible! Keep putting yourself out there through hobbies, activities, meetup groups, volunteer work, etc. Even if it feels like nothing is happening now, every connection has the potential to grow.

• Focus on quality over quantity. Even one or two meaningful friendships can bring a lot of joy and fulfillment. Don't get discouraged if progress feels slow.

• Be patient with yourself. Healing from social isolation and rebuilding community both take time. Cut yourself some slack on the hard days.

• Most importantly, practice self-compassion. You deserve love and companionship. These feelings only show how human you truly are.

In summary, what you're experiencing is very normal and many people can relate. The path forward involves patience, persistence and self-kindness as you work to build the community you desire. I hope this offers some comfort and affirmation. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

[Anonymous]

That's sad and too many people live in this. First try what's in your reach. How aggressive in life are you? Whenever you have a chance, take it and sometimes reject it, not because of fear or incompetence but reject things that are bad for you. Otherwise... for example if there is a stranger whom you like, go talk to him knowing that there is no harm in asking them a few questions. ﾠ ﾠ

[Anonymous]

Normal in a sense that it's common. Definitely not healthy or good. I could be your online friend but the internet connection is not a real connection. ﾠ

[Oliverlogan263]

What you're feeling is absolutely normal and understandable. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• You're not alone in feeling this way. Many people struggle with loneliness, especially on weekends when work and school routines end. It's a common human experience.

• Having a social life and meaningful connections with others are important parts of wellbeing. It's natural to crave that. There's nothing "dumb" or "weird" about wanting friends and community.

• Making new, deep connections as an adult can be challenging. People's social circles tend to solidify as they age, and forming new friendships takes time and effort.

• But it is possible! Keep putting yourself out there through hobbies, activities, meetup groups, volunteer work, etc. Even if it feels like nothing is happening now, every connection has the potential to grow.

• Focus on quality over quantity. Even one or two meaningful friendships can bring a lot of joy and fulfillment. Don't get discouraged if progress feels slow.

• Be patient with yourself. Healing from social isolation and rebuilding community both take time. Cut yourself some slack on the hard days.

• Most importantly, practice self-compassion. You deserve love and companionship. These feelings only show how human you truly are.

In summary, what you're experiencing is very normal and many people can relate. The path forward involves patience, persistence and self-kindness as you work to build the community you desire. I hope this offers some comfort and affirmation. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

[Asker]

I have tried making friends for years without success. There was a time where I was lucky enough to meet a "best friend". We were best buddies until she met her boyfriend. Slowly she distanced away from me. I was in denial about it because I wanted to maintain the friendship with her. It ended with her using me for free food and to keep her entertained when she couldn't hang out with her boyfriend. So I had to break off the friendship. This was in 2019. My other very good friend moved a thousand miles away to texas, got married and had a family. My remaining friend just didn't want to talk to me anymore because I no longer wanted to give him money for his investment.

So as you can see... its not only making friends that is difficult. Its also attracting high quality friends. As far as I have gone until this point, I dont think its worth the effort to go out and make friends. I would gladly take friends as they come along but I wouldn't go out of my way to make friends. I believe that if someone is truly meant to be in your life, they will find a way to be in your life.

[Oliverlogan263]

I understand where you're coming from, and it's understandable that your past experiences have made you more wary of investing effort in making new friends. However, I still think having some social connections can be important for wellbeing and mental health. Here are some things to consider:

• While high-quality friends are important, not all friends will be at the same "level." Some will be more surface-level, and others can grow into deeper connections over time.

• Some people will come and go from your life for a season - that's normal. But that doesn't mean all future connections will be fleeting or shallow.

• True, if someone is "meant" to be in your life, they will likely find a way. But sometimes we also have to put ourselves "on their path" through activities, hobbies, events, etc. People won't cross your path if you're not out in the world to some extent.

• You may have to "weed through" some shallow or one-sided connections to find the deeper ones. That's an unfortunate reality of making friends as an adult. But the right people are worth the effort.

• Continuing to put yourself out there in small ways - even if you don't actively "seek" friends - can still lead to connections over time. New coworkers, neighbor, gym buddies, etc.

• Consider talking to a therapist if feelings of isolation become overwhelming. They can help you move past issues holding you back from healthy connections.

Overall, be open but wary. Stay hopeful but grounded. Friendships take time, effort and navigation of challenges - but the right people make it worth it. I wish you the best moving forward. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

[Asker]

@oliverlogan263
I am planning on putting myself out there only to socialize but not to "make friends". Because I honestly feel like relationships / friendships are more disposable today compared to 25 years ago. When I was a child growing up, friendships used to be so much more close knit. Even older folks in their 40s said that when they are still in constant contact with their elementary school friends. Nowadays, this no longer happens except on extremely rare cases. Friendship and relationships have become disposable nowadays. Once they got all they need out of you, they will dispose of you. A nice way to call it are "all friendships end" but it really is how it ended that matters the most. All the friendships I had all ended on pretty bad terms.

Putting myself to socialize out there temporarily relieves loneliness but its not a permanent solution to loneliness. You can talk to a million people but not make 1 friend. Because that is exactly how closed off adults can get. As people get older, they get settled with their already long established social circles from youth. They're not in need new friends because they already have established friend groups. People that they have known and trusted for yrs- usually from their late teens.

[Asker]

I'm honestly sick and tired of hoping for friendships then only be met with very closed off people who would talk to you at a bar for half an hour but never cared to see me again. I'm tired of going to clubs where people just would never consistently show up. I would see them on one day then they won't show up until 2 months later or I just would never ever see them again. I'm tired of being in friendships where people easily betray me and are just talking to me because they want to use me.

This is why I'm deciding to stop "looking" for friendships. But rather see who I attract. Find people who see me as worthy rather than people who never saw me as the real prize anyways.

therapists don't help. Sessions are too short, too impersonal, no warmth. Often times, therapists are just as useless and clueless as the average individual without training. One therapist even asked me what I personally thought was wrong with me because she couldn't figure it out.

[Asker]

[However, I still think having some social connections can be important for wellbeing and mental health. ]

Please don't call "putting myself out there" as making social connections. Often times at parties or bars, we are just socializing and then likely never seeing each other again. Nobody cares to make "social connections". Social connections is when people stay in touch... then subsequently have some sort of relationship afterwards.

[Asker]

I'm honestly really thinking about having kids and starting family on my own. Friends come and go in life. But family will always be there for you.

[Oliverlogan263]

You make some valid points about the challenges of forming meaningful connections as an adult. However, I think there are a few things to consider:

1. Not all friendships are disposable - some people do value true friendship and seek long-term connections. But it can be harder to find as we get older.

2. While people may have established social circles, that doesn't mean they aren't open to new friendships. Many people enjoy expanding their network as life changes and evolves.

3. Socializing can be a good start, but forming deeper connections often involves vulnerability, trust and consistency over time. Casual interactions only go so far.

4. Ending friendships on bad terms can make it harder to trust and open up to new people. But with time, reflection and putting yourself out there again, healing is possible.

5. True connection and friendship are possible at any age. They just may manifest differently as our needs and priorities change with life stages.

6. While temporary relief, consistent socializing can lay the groundwork for deeper bonds to form. Don't dismiss it entirely.

7. Consider joining activity groups centered around your interests. Shared passion is a good starting point for forming connections.

In summary, I understand your caution based on past experiences. But try to maintain an open mindset that meaningful friendships are still possible. Focus on things that bring you joy, interact with kindness, and be patient with the process. Over time, you may find that connections form in a more organic, less "disposable" way. I wish you the best on this journey.

The key is to keep an open heart, seek joy in socializing for its own sake, and see where genuine connections may naturally emerge.

[Oliverlogan263]

I understand your frustration and disappointment with past experiences trying to make friends. It can be disheartening when people are inconsistent, unreliable or only interested in using you. However, I caution against writing off the idea of friendship altogether. Some thoughts:

• Not all people are closed off or untrustworthy. There are genuine, caring people who value authentic connection. But they can be hard to find.

• Rather than "looking for friendships," focusing your energy on activities you truly enjoy and communities around your interests can naturally put you in the path of like-minded people. Friendships sometimes form organically this way.

• "See who you attract" can work, but being proactive and putting yourself out there also helps. A balance of openness and intentionality is often needed.

• Therapy may not have helped, but that doesn't mean connection with others is impossible. Personal growth and working on your own "stuff" can make you a better friend and improve your relational skills over time.

• While some therapists may be useless, many truly care and have the training to offer valuable insight and support. Don't write them all off based on one experience.

• True connection takes vulnerability, patience and a willingness to be hurt at times. The risks may be worthwhile for the joy and growth that deep friendship offers.

In summary, I understand your weariness. But consider keeping an open mind and heart going forward. Focus on nurturing the connections you do have while seeking community in your interests. Over time, you may find that friendships do form - perhaps when you least expect it. I wish you the very best in this journey toward connection, self-love and healing.

Avoid hopelessness, remain patient yet proactive, and remember your own inherent worthiness of love and friendship.

[Oliverlogan263]

You make a good point - casual socializing does not necessarily lead to meaningful social connections. Here are some key distinctions:

Socializing - Casual interactions with little intention of forming ongoing relationships. Often at parties, bars, events, etc.

Connection - A sense of intimacy, mutual understanding and emotional bond with another person. Requires vulnerability, consistency and effort over time.

Relationship - A pattern of interaction between two people based on mutual affection, trust and support. Relationships evolve from connections that deepen over time.

So while socializing can be enjoyable in the moment, it's not the same as making true connections or relationships. To form social connections:

• Be intentional. Go into interactions with the purpose of getting to know people as individuals, not just passing time.

• Show vulnerability. Share some of your authentic self to allow others to connect with the real you. But do so at a comfortable pace.

• Follow up. Exchange contact info and suggest getting together again. Then actually follow through.

•Build consistency. Make an effort to maintain contact and interact on a somewhat regular basis. The frequency depends on your needs and schedules.

• Offer support. Ask how you can be of help, and freely offer support within your ability when the other person is struggling. Reciprocate support you receive.

•Deepen over time. As trust builds through consistency, the relationship can develop into a close friendship with mutual care and understanding.

So while casual socializing is fine, seeking true connections requires vulnerability, effort, consistency and support beyond a single interaction. Keeping this in mind may help guide your intentions and behaviors going forward.

[Oliverlogan263]

There are pros and cons to both friendship and family relationships. Here are some things to consider:

• Friendships can be chosen and built over time, while families are tied by blood or legal commitments. This gives friendships a different nature.

• True friends stick by you through challenges, but sometimes drift apart over time. Families are often bound by a sense of obligation that continues through life.

• Friends often provide companionship, shared joy and intellectual stimulation. Families provide a sense of belonging, roots and identity.

• Friendships require nurturing and effort, while families are a given. But this can make friendships feel more meaningful and chosen.

• Both friends and family can disappoint, argue and drift apart at times. No relationship is guaranteed to last forever.

• Having both friends and family can provide a fuller support system and meet different needs in life. They complement each other.

• Having children will not automatically guarantee having a tight-knit family or people who are "there for you." Raising kids is hard work.

• True connection comes from cultivating empathy, communication and unconditional love - whether within friendships or families.

In summary, while friendships and family relationships differ in nature, both can offer important sources of love, support and belonging in life - if nurtured properly. Rather than viewing them as an "either/or," consider how cultivating both may enrich your wellbeing.

Having children is a personal choice. But doing so because you think it will automatically give you a reliable source of support may lead to disappointment. The key is to build community - both friends and family - based on care, communication and compassion.

[Asker]

@oliverlogan263

if I'm "following up" on people, its the same way as begging for a friendship. I've been burn myself out having done that for MANY years. No success at all. Its to the point where I have gotten used to having no friends. Thats why I'm no longer desperate for friendship. I don't "need " friends. I'm not going to go that extra mile to make friends. Because at the end of the day, "trying" takes a lot of effort on my part. My energy and patience is not unlimited. Eventually we will burn out- which I have already done so.

All my adult life, its either no friends or bad friends. I want to stop begging but rather start attracting. I want to be friends with those who see me as the real prize. If someone is meant to be in your life, they would be in your life. I want to have people EARN a spot in my life rather than just to be vulnerable to every single person I come across. After all the failed friendships, I have to be selective on who I let into my life.

You're right about kids not always being there for their parents. But still, having kids that are going to visit you once in a while is better than investing all my effort into a "friend" who may disappear overnight. Children will take care of me in a way that a friend never will. Being able to visit my future grandkids one day is enough to relieve my loneliness.

Cultivating a good relationship with your children will increase their chances of wanting to live with you after they are grown. I know plenty of grown adult children who still live with their parents because its too expensive to move out.

[Oliverlogan263]

You make some fair points. Here are some things to consider:

• It's understandable that after putting so much effort into friendships with no success, you're hesitant to continue investing that energy. Taking a step back and being more selective can be healthy.

• Choosing to focus your expectations on family makes sense, since those bonds tend to be more stable and long-lasting. Having kids who visit occasionally may be fulfilling for you.

• However, there are no guarantees that your future children will choose to live with or be close to you as adults. Many factors influence those dynamics that are outside your control. So relying on that prospect could be risky.

• Friends do take effort, but the right friendships can be deeply rewarding and offer support that family cannot. Shutting down openness to those connections may limit your happiness and growth.

• You have a choice about how much value you place on friendship. Some people prioritize it highly, while others find fulfillment elsewhere. Neither is "right" or "wrong." Only you can decide what's important to you.

• But maintaining SOME openness to meaningful connections, while also protecting your energy, may strike a healthier middle ground. You can be discerning without entirely closing your heart to the possibility of friendship in the future.

• Consider focusing less on "making" friends and more on just being genuinely present and open in the moment. Connections may form organically from that place of openness and receptivity.

Ultimately the decision is yours. I just encourage maintaining a small sliver of hope for the possibility of friendship, without investing more energy than you're willing. Let connections form naturally from that place of openness, patience and discernment. But prioritize what truly fulfills you - whether that's family, independence, or a blend of both.

Hope this perspective provides some food for thought.

[Asker]

@oliverlogan263

The real reason why I have given up is... people tend to be pickier about who they hang out with as they get older. Not only that, people get more reclusive as they get older too. I've met a lot of people through the years and I can say that their "pickiness" really is the biggest reason why I've had such a hard time making friends. Another reason is that adults don't tend to prioritize socializing as they get older especially their 30s. Here where I live in NYC, there is also a lot of competition for friends. It feels like I'm always competing to be the more interesting , funny, fun one to be around. Relationships/ friendships are much more disposable here than anywhere else due to the sheer number of people. If a relationship / friendship doesn't seem to be working well, its easier for them to dump each other and find someone newer, more exciting than to work on it. there's always someone prettier, hotter, richer, more interesting than the last here where I live.

I've been thinking about moving to a friendlier, down to earth town where there is more sense of community. There is no community where I live in. I've also thought about joining support groups for loneliness. I don't have that many hobbies that would lead me to join any "clubs". But I do love traveling and I hope to join some travel groups where I can travel with newly acquainted strangers.

there's no guarantee that kids will always stay. But if I have 2 kids, I very much potentially will have at least the next 25 years with someone in my home to keep me company. By the time they're gone, I would be 60. I can join a retirement home by then where I can interact with other retirees. there's also nothing that will ever beat the joy of coming home to children who love you.

[Oliverlogan263]

Those are all reasonable perspectives based on your personal experiences. A few additional thoughts:

- Moving somewhere with a stronger sense of community values could indeed help foster easier social connections over time. A change of scenery may prove beneficial.

- Support groups are a great low-pressure way to interact with others facing similar challenges. Even virtual options are worth considering if meets don't align with schedules.

- Travel clubs featuring shared interests could organically lead to deeper friendships as familiarity and trust grows between members through bonding experiences.

- While kids are never a guaranteed long-term solution, the joy and purpose they bring would counter feelings of loneliness for many years. Few things compare to that.

- Maybe explore volunteer activities too that allow contributing skills/time to causes you care about - a fulfilling way to both help others and potentially make welcoming acquaintances.

Overall it seems shifting your focus from "friendship seeking" mindsets placing expectations on encounters to instead prioritizing purpose-driven activities you genuinely enjoy may lead to relationships forming more organically without the stress or feelings of desperation. Keep an open yet cautious heart moving forward.

[Asker]

@oliverlogan263

honestly, I'm really thinking about having kids within the next 6 years. It goes me something to look forward to on my days off. Its pointless to have days off when there's nothing to do, nobody to talk to, nobody to hangout with, nobody that loves you. Right now I do have a few acquaintances but they're busy people. They're not free every weekend. They might have other people that are a bigger priority to them so they cancel on me.

Nothing beats the joy of a family that loves you. Thats why I would always put my kids over friends. Over 98% of your friends would put their family members as a bigger priority over you. Friends might fight alongside with you in a war but they would never die for you.

[Overall it seems shifting your focus from "friendship seeking" mindsets placing expectations on encounters to instead prioritizing purpose-driven activities ]

I never go out intending to make friends. But its been way too long that I've been meeting so many people but never making 1 friend. Its been YEARS. Over the past 9 years, I have only made 3 friendships- which all failed. Thats why I stopped even trying. I've stopped relying on friends to make me happy. Another big reason why I'm having children. The bond between mother and child can't ever be replaced by just a bond with a friend. Your kids can be a million miles away but it doesn't mean you mean any less to them.

[Oliverlogan263]

I understand the loneliness you're experiencing and desire for unconditional love and fulfillment that children could potentially provide. However, a few concerns:

- Having children primarily to avoid loneliness or find purpose is unfair pressure on the child and risks an unhealthy codependent dynamic developing between your needs and their wellbeing.

- Fulfillment comes from within, through pursing our talents and contributing to community - not solely through relationships with others. True purpose sustains through all seasons of life.

- While family bonds are meaningful, isolation isn't healthy either. Consider exploring low-commitment social and purpose-driven activities wherever you are, whether clubs, volunteer work, evening classes etc.

- Therapy may help address any core issues preventing you from feeling whole on your own, freeing space for healthier relationships to form in a balanced way.

- Children are a lifetime responsibility and their wellbeing should be the priority over using them to meet your social/emotional needs. That's an unfair burden.

Rather than focusing so intently on relationships, discovering intrinsic passions and finding community purpose through contributing skills may paradoxically lead to connections forming more organically over time. Prioritizing self-care and growth is important.

[Asker]

[- Fulfillment comes from within, through pursing our talents and contributing to community - not solely through relationships with others. True purpose sustains through all seasons of life.]

I contribute to my community all the time. I work in healthcare. I save lives for living.

Humans are designed to be social animals with a need for love and a sense of belonging in a group. No amount of "work" or "contributing to society" matters if nobody loves or cares about you.

[- Children are a lifetime responsibility and their wellbeing should be the priority over using them to meet your social/emotional needs. That's an unfair burden.]

kids are not a lifetime responsibility. especially if you're saying that kids will be outta the house one day.

But prioritizing the child's needs is a conscious decision of the individual. Just because someone wants to have kids to create a loving family for the emotional / mental benefits, it doesn't necessarily mean they will prioritize their own needs above the child's well being.

but at the end of the day, no amount of therapy or friends is gonna fix the natural human need to feel loved and longing for a sense of belonging. Humans are not designed to be loners.

[Asker]

A lot of people have kids because its a natural byproduct of marriage. But they put no effort into maintaining good relationships with their kids. They take their kids for granted. They play favorites.

I'd say this is far worse than a mother who had kids because she wanted to create a loving family for the emotional / mental benefits. In this case, the parent is actually putting in effort to foster a culture of respect and love.

Many families don't have that.