My friend's 18 years old daughter is going to meet her Dad tomorrow for the first time. Both my friend and her daughter are nervous, how can I help?

[femalewolf]

My friend is completely heartbroken. She thought she could deal with the rejection, but she couldn't. She didn't know how she had coped when her ex-partner left her, denied paternity, and never even saw a picture of their daughter. I was there for her when it happened. I listened to her cry. I held her hand. I told her that I loved her and that she would get through this. Things were going okay for 10-15 years but then my friend's daughter wanted to get in touch with her father. My friend was hesitant at first, but she knew that this was something her daughter needed. She tracked down her ex-partner's email and called him to warn him that their daughter would be in touch.

They are struggling because they don't know what will happen between them. I am trying to help them by being there but I feel like it is not enough. What do you think will happen? Is there anything I should be concerned about?

[WiccanLady2023]

By being there.

Your friend's daughter wants to meet her father simply to ask him "why". She has her mother's side of the story & now she wants to know why did he do what he did.

If the father is a douchebag - as sounds - nothing will happen. He'll likely be an ass & your friend's daughter will realize that NOT having him in her life is the best thing.

What your friend has to worry about is if the father is a douchebag that he gets involved in the girl's life particularly if she's doing well for herself. This happens. A deadbeat father finds out that the child they didn't want has potential to get somewhere / be successful and suddenly dad wants to be involved in their life. Not because they care, but because they intend to manipulate their child for money, etc.

[sheikalana]

Reassure them that everything's going to be alright. Call them or text them a few hours before reminding them that they will be fine and you're always there in case they need anything.

[Staximus]

As long as the guy isn't a criminal, drug addict, or psycho, it's best to just let it happen for the daughter's sake. Your friend needs to move on already and leave all that drama in the past, and maybe this will help her have some closure. She needs to be strong, maintain her composure, and act like an adult for her daughter's sake.

[ohsheeT]

Just let it happen it will all be good it would all be about the child it will be a beautiful moment if they just let it happen I meant my real father when I was 27 or 28 .

[DoggyDude]

This will be really hard, there are so many pitfalls. That said, and I realise you will know that. The reason I stated the very obvious there is that you need to keep that in your mind and keep it to the fore of your friends mind, not in a way to stress her but in the way of understanding. Let her talk out her worries with you away from her daughter, go over the possibilies together. Poke at her weak spots, not to be mean but because if there's anything that can upset her, its better that happens in a safe space, with you her important friend than it happening when she's their to support her daughter in what she needs. Cry through all the possible hurts together (I mean, if it touches you emptionally too) and let her know you are happy to go with her or support her in whatever way makes sense.

That's the first most important part. The second part is to kinda go through the same thing with her daughter and you both, poke again, find out what she's thinking she will get from this and with love and support, point out how it might fall out, show you understand the best and her hopes and also point out the worst that might come (though you have to keep this clear as your supporting her, make sure she unambigiously knows your not trying to say what will happen but making sure she's prepared for whatever comes and hope for the very best).

If you can't talk it through with her daughter, maybe she doesn't want to, respect that and just let her know your hoping for her best, that whatever happens this won't change the way she's loved (I mean obviously don't state that directly, just emote it and show it by care).

What might happen? Well these are the things to cover off:

It might be the father is:
o In some new relationship not wanting to drag up his past and may try to or succeed in evading.
o Might want to be detached and be cool / cold towards his daughter (or even might not accept it IS his daughter).
o Might be he has a regret and is curious what his daughter is like and will be glad to have a chance to meet her.
o Might be his daughter, experiencing her "dad" might feel afterwards glad he wasn't around
o Might leave his daughter, afterwards upset she'd not known him before

Actually there's so many permutations I wish I hadn't started speculating on possibilites.

Just be concerned to try to head off any emptional hurts so they can be had or considered before they meet, such that whatever the outcome all parties will be strong (and if it turns out to be what everyone wanted, beautiful, but if it doesn't it then won't break down into something thats an emotional mess, well least probability).

Main thing to be concerned about is to understand his daughters reasoning or feelings for wanting to meet him. Dig a bit, because if her reasons are ones of feeling hurt he left / abandoned her, its a really bad reason to want to meet him (if she's looking for answers emotionally rather than a practical logically figured out need to know). The danger is she's looking for the wrong kind of closure here, and her mother is potentially opening up herself to the hurtful past. So, yea, pre-prepare.

Best of luck to your friend and this going well for everyone

[jimmy2]

Where's he been in prison

[Danny_dan92]

That’s between them.