Why would a good friend you've known for many years rape you?

[DanaPonds]

My good friend (26 F) was raped several years ago. She was 19 at the time. The sad part is she knew him practically her whole life. This wasn't a stranger or boyfriend of 2 years. This was her childhood playmate. Both met when they were 5 year-olds. That was like a brother to her. Both sets of parents were best friends too. They grew up together in the same town.

Their platonic relationship came to an end when he started having obsessions about her after his 18th b-day. He got rejected by several girls at school, never got a date. Then the following year of no luck with any date, his obsession grew, then he suddenly changed out of nowhere and raped her. She told him to stop many times and tried to remind him to remember their good times but it fell on deaf ears. He still proceeded and stole her virginity.

He's already in prison. He admitted to the charge. Obviously this has impacted her so much. She doesn't trust anyone except me, her two other close female friends and her family. She never saw that coming, never expected that from him. Why would a long-term childhood friend do that?

Updates

8 mo

Even though it's been years later since, she can't really comprehend what on earth happen, why and if she ignored signs more or if their whole entire friendship was a lie from the start, etc.

[rigmarole]

That's pretty typical. The large majority of rapes are by people you know, not by strangers. It's almost always an intimate partner or an acquaintance. Women live in fantasy land thinking some stranger is going to jump out of the bushes from the forested lot in the middle of a dark suburban neighborhood early in the morning while they are walking around the block to lose a few pounds. They never want to go anywhere alone. But in reality there is no one hiding in the dark in safe neighborhoods and the person you ask to come with you for protection is statistically far more likely to rape you.

[DanaPonds]

Yes she never ever expected that from him. He's exactly the very person she would've come for help if someone wanted to hurt her or share her issues with.
She's giving support from the man's parents too. Both are horrified by what their child did and even they can't explain what happened nor why. He had a good upbringing. There was nothing lacking in the house. He was raised with typical, loving parents and overall a good childhood.

[rigmarole]

Rape is typically tied to certain personality traits. For example impulsive people that are sensation seeking are more commonly rapists. That addict personality that lets lose in a hedonistic manner whenever the calling hits. Often rapists are alcoholics. They’re often the drinkers that change dramatically when they get drunk. They are mean drunks that get violent and shit like that. They punch walls when they get mad because they lack self control. This is because they are disingenuous individuals that live behind a facade of vanity and insecurity. They are image managers. They have those dark personality traits hidden in the vault that they don’t want anyone to see. They are power seekers, sadists, and people that rank high on the psychopathy scale. They are narcissists. They think they can buy people with money. They dehumanize other people. So your typical ambitious, wealth seeking, power hungry, pretty boy that wants to drive a nice car to be seen, go fast for a thrill, manage other people at work, would love to be famous, etc. that is maybe mean to animals, or thinks other people should serve them has a high potential to be a rapist.

[rigmarole]

A lot of women would be like he's a real take charge sort of guy. He's spontaneous. He's exciting. He's confident. He's ambitious. He has his life together... But the devil is always in the details...

[Anonymous]

He didn't do it out of the blue. The signs were always there you friend simply was not very smart and didn't pick up on any of them. It's too bad this happened. But on the bright side maybe she'll be more observant now.

[DanaPonds]

I believe this was definitely the obvious sign she ignored; base on what she told us:
2 years prior to the rape (both then 17 year-olds), he did said he loved her, has been pinning over her for a long time, imagine marrying her one day and tried asking her out but she didn't feel the same towards him, wanted to keep the close friendship. He was hurt but agreed to still be her friend and that he would forget about that conversation.
He accepted the initial rejection and asked out other girls but had no luck. Then his sexual frustration and urges started increasing as well as his hurt over the first rejection and the other rejections.

[DanaPonds]

Apparently he did tried to communicate and do things the right way but turned terrible when it failed.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah she new his feelings were deep but still liked attention that was her mistake. No that didn't guarantee he was going to rape her but anyone with a lick of sense would know those "feelings" were not just going to go away. What she needed to do was flat out say that there'd never be anything between us.
He should have ended the friendship if he couldn't deal with it.
The "marriage" comment was a clear tipoff it wasn't healthy.
Your friend is not to blame for the rape but she is to blame for continuing with a friendship that was NOT equal.

[DanaPonds]

True. It's just that she didn't want to throw away years of friendship and was trying to reject him in a kind manner. I agree the marriage comment was too much. My friend wasn't even thinking about marriage at that age. He got lost in his fantasy of the two of them being each others' first and loving each other forever; an illusion.
It's so sad how a fantasy can then become a obsession and then into something dangerous.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah but that's my point. As his friend if she new he was being so negatively affected by it she should have ended the friendship.
I had a similar situation. I liked a womanshe would constantly flirt with me. She was much younger than me and I had my life more together than her. I think that's what drew her to me. But she didn't know how to just be friends she would repeatedly cross the line. Naturally as a guy I took these advances as wanting escalation and asked her out. She rejected me, but continued to flirt with me afterwards. Now any woman with half a brain knows you don't do this. And at the time it confused me. And it took me far to long to break off all contact with her. This woman (like your friend) didn't want to date me. But she didn't want to have a friendship that was equal either. She wanted me chasing a relationship as well and that wasn't fair. Friends don't do that to friends.
I'm not saying your friends was guilty of this. I'm just saying as a friend to him she should have deduced that his feelings had reached an obsession. And while she couldn't have known it would end with her being raped. She could have reduced odds greatly that she would be the one he'd rape by not being around him.

[BasedBaeBecca]

It could be a combination of reasons. The first that comes to mind is that he'd been harboring feelings for her for a while and it all just escalated from there. Perhaps, over time, he developed an obsession with her and his feelings and desire outweighed his loyalty to her and the friendship they once shared. It's also possible that it was done as a last resort or out of some misguided self-preservation/self-interest. Bottom line is, it's incredibly sad and unfair, but unfortunately it does happen. I'm glad to hear that he's in prison now where he belongs.

[DanaPonds]

Apparently it's both reason. Base on what she told us, 2 years prior the rape (both were then 17 year-olds), he had confessed to her about his feelings, how he loved her, saw himself one day marrying her and then proceeded to asking her out but didn't feel the same way. She saw him as a brother, his dear childhood friend. He's been pinning over her for a long time apparently.

After that rejection, he accepted it, agreed to still be her friend and pretend the conversation never happened. He tried to then ask out other girls but none said yes to him. He started getting sexually frustrated at having no experience and his feelings of hurt over the first rejection and other rejections increased, then his obsession for her increased too. Seems like it was for both reasons.

[BasedBaeBecca]

Sounds like that first rejection was the catalyst. When he couldn't manage to find anyone else, he turned back to his first choice - your friend. It's scary how much being rejected by someone you have feelings for (that are not reciprocated) can mess with someone's head...

[DanaPonds]

Yes it's so sad. He got lost in his fantasy of being her life partner, each others' first and only and living the happily ever after fairytale. His mind got lost in his own illusion, an idealization. Then something rare happened afterwards; what a rapist usually doesn't do; he called the cops himself and turned him in, accepted the charge.

[NotTacocaT6969]

The short answer is lack of self control.


He chose to become a monster out of lust.

[DanaPonds]

True. He's right where he belongs, in prison.

[Anonymous]

mental issues and he has an incel complex (it's a real thing, look it up). also, you're most likely to get raped by people you know, are close to, etc. so something just snapped in him.

[DanaPonds]

I hate those group of men. They blame us for their failures in getting a date when they're the ones with issues. Several of those pretend to be the ''Mr Nice'' guy but really aren't genuine, good people.

[Opinion Owner]

same! and it's even more and more common these days.

[Anonymous]

My older brother raped me. Its did it a lot. I never knew why.

[DanaPonds]

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I hope he's locked up.

[Opinion Owner]

No I couldn't destroy my family like that. I just learned to let him do whatever, it was usually over quickly. I love my brother and didn't want him in jail either.

[DanaPonds]

Aren't you concern he's going to do it to other girls? Being enabling his behavior, you're putting other women in danger of a rapist. That's bad.

[Anonymous]

There's no answer to why honestly
He is just pure evil and deserves lifetime in prison

[DanaPonds]

Yes it's sad that evil comes from even those that are closest to us. At the time, she was depressed for a long time. She's doing better now but sometimes still wonders if their whole friendship from the past was a total lie or if he did cared about her long ago. She's been having a hard time separating the once shy, innocent kid she knew at that time to the monster he became as an adult.

[Opinion Owner]

Agree
I pray that your friend gets back at it better than ever
Every child is innocent
This reminds me of the story about Da Vinci using a prisoner to visualize Judas for "Last Supper" and he then realises that he used the same prisoner to potray young Jesus Christ many years ago

The guy must have been a really genuinely caring and good person back when they were kids.. but some people just turn into pure evil.. maybe it's the society that does it to them.. who knows
Again, I will have your friend in my prayers!!!

[DanaPonds]

Thank you. The guy's parents are also supporting her. His parents were horrified by what their son did. Though it must be a hard position for those poor parents. They still visit him in prison (their only child) but obviously aren't going to bail him out.. meanwhile trying to also help my friend the best way they can.
The parents are the typical normal, loving household. They have no idea what went wrong with their child.

[Cherkez]

I can't understand it

[DanaPonds]

She's still shocked till this day. The guy's parents are shocked too. Apparently there was no abuse in the household and the parents don't know what happened to their son, nor why.