How do you deal with someone who acts remorseful/apologetic in their behavior but is too proud to actually apologize?

[Anonymous]

I got a relative that is doing this. I told her straight up years ago I wanted a private conversation. She initially agreed but instead changed her mind. Truth is she’s too afraid to have it because she knows I’m right about some major things. Instead she’s acting super nice and accommodating for the last few years hoping I will “come around”.

I know you can’t change the past but you can reconcile it. I just want he to own up that’s she done wrong. And know she’s knows she’s done wrong. But she is the type who was always use to getting her way her entire adult life. She’s never had someone draw the line with her.

It’s been real uncomfortable around her during the holidays. She’s acts nice and the rest of my family looks at me as a selfish a**hole for keeping my boundary up with her. I look like the bad guy and I hate it. I do not enjoy things being this way at all but i am sticking with my decision. I know if I have and sweep everything under the rug she will eventually revert to her old ways because nobody has ever challenged her about them.

[HollyK21]

It’s possible that she doesn’t want confrontation so she’s avoidant. People like that are annoying because they know they’ve done wrong and won’t own up to it. Put plainly I doubt you’re ever going to get a conversation out of her on her own terms, she’ll keep putting it off and skirting around it. So find a moment when you can pull her to the side and have that chat. Doesn’t have to be with all the family around, just a moment alone.

[Asker]

That’s not going to happen. It’s my mother and she has used my dad as her bodyguard/enforcer her entire life. If when HE knows she’s wrong he still follows through with it in some capacity. Reason being that is she blames him for my issues with her. This crap has been going well into my independent adult hood.

But she is trying to wear me down by being nice and surface caring for the last few years thinking that will “make me come around”. But at least I can tell she “gets it” now that there are real consequences to her bad behavior. It’s actually good for my dad because he has tolerated way too much mistreatment (including a few incidents of physical abuse) from her over the years. She’s seeing now that men do have breaking points and she’s not used to that.

Still though this has been a real mind f*ck for me. On the surface I look like an ungrateful and selfish son to people who don’t know the whole story. I hate it. I don’t enjoy “hating” people. No. But I have to draw boundaries even when it’s very painful given it’s a relative.

[HollyK21]

Oh man, and here I thought this was a cousin you were having issues with or something. Well, the best I could suggest is work on your dad not enabling her. If there have been some changes then that’s great, but to really see a difference she hasn’t to be shown that things can’t always go her way by setting healthy boundaries. I’m not sure what all happened to get your relationship with her to this point, but maybe you can change the tides through actions rather than words.