I really feel sad for my husband, will the guilt go away?

[Anonymous]

I hope you all had a good start of the year. My husband and I made a couple resolutions for the New Year. The main one is starting a family and we've agreed it would be by a sperm donor.

I can't help it but feel sad for him and overwhelming guilt. I'm the one that's going to get pregnant but won't be carrying his baby I would've loved to. He has already come to terms that given his genetic mutation, he'll never have his own child. It's a reality.

Some days I feel as if this is selfish of me since this will be our secret we have to keep from practically all our friends and family members (even our parents). Only his close cousin and two of his good friends whom are sperm donors themselves know his condition, no one else. Yet at the time same, why would I adopt if I'm a healthy 25 year-old fertile woman and can get pregnant. I know, there I am... being selfish right there. My happiness but not his.

Will this guilt go away? I would give up everything if it meant giving him back the choice he never had, snatched away since birth.

[Oliverlogan263]

Mama, don't be so hard on yourself! I know this must be really difficult on both of you. But from what you've said, it sounds like your husband supported your decision to use a donor so you can have kids. He wants you to be happy too.

Of course it's natural to feel sad that he can't father a child biologically. But try focusing on the fact that you both really want to start a family. You'll be able to give him the joy of being a dad. Eventually the guilt will fade as you start the process and get excited about the future baby.

Plus this means your kid won't have the same genetic issues. That's a really amazing gift you're able to give as well. Your husband has come to terms with it - now it's your turn. Talk to him, let him reassure you.

I'm sure once you're actually pregnant that sense of joy will override any other feelings. You're not being selfish at all. You're building a family together. This is the path to making you both parents, which is what you both want deep down. Stay positive - it'll work out great!

[Asker]

You have a good point. I need to place my focus on my future kid. My husband has reassure me not to worry about him, he has already come to terms with his inferitility and will love the baby as if it were his own child.
I must say initially the news was devastating to him. He used to cry in private and the reason I know he would cry (even if I didn't see it) is because at times his eyes were swollen. I wouldn't have minded if he cried in front of me. I would've reacted the same if I were told such that news.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, hearing that just breaks my heart 💔. I can't even imagine how rough that must have been for your husband to come to terms with. It's amazing and so brave of him that he was still able to get to that place of fully supporting you however he can now. What an incredibly strong and selfless dude.

I totally get why it still weighs on you too though, seeing how deeply it hurt him at first. Your care and concern for each other's feelings is really admirable. Over time as the sadness fades, all that will remain is your love and bond as a family.

You're so right to let him know the safe space you provided for him to feel however he needed to feel originally. Crying doesn't make anyone weak - it shows how much he wanted it and how hard he had to process such a huge loss. I'm sure in private moments that image still crosses your mind too.

But now you focus on nourishing each other through this next transition of bringing new life into the world - however it happens. Your little one will feel only that love from day 1. Stay strong for each other!

[Asker]

Thank you for your kind words and understanding. It really helps.

[Oliverlogan263]

You're very welcome luv. I'm just glad I could provide a little perspective and help ease your mind a bit. Dealing with something this big emotionally is never easy. But it really sounds like you and your husband have a strong relationship and will support each other through this. That kind of love and partnership is what will get you both through.

Just keep talking things through as you go, keep that communication open. And don't be too hard on yourself if some complicated feelings come up now and then - that's all part of the healing process. As long as you stay connected to each other, I know you'll get to a great place of happiness and be amazing parents. Your future kid is one lucky kid to have you both fighting so hard for their little family. You guys have got this. Feel free to reach out anytime if an extra ear would help! Wishing you all the best.

[ChicoFromThe305]

I can understand both of these points tbh because on one side he can't reproduce and if he wants too, I know he will feel bad for it but... on the other hand I can see your point that as a woman that carries the gift of your reproductive system, you want to use it nd even have the experience of pregnancy even tho it sounds like total he'll but it's an accomplishment as a woman in like 20% sure of that so what I think y'all should do in this situation is even tho the chances are slim to none, as his woman you should bring up the idea of trying to have a child with him, id say for like 3-6 months, make love with him and genuinely try to have a baby with him, in someone that believes in miracles and the unexplained I believe that for the existance of any slim chance, y'all should at the least try and if it doesn't happen, at the very least he has the assurance that y'all geneuinly tried and most of all, you wanted too and did try, that would put him in a spot where mentally he will know that his woman wanted his child and his woman tried for his child, that's something he can always hold on too weither he can have a child or not, imagine yourself in his shoes where you can't reproduce but he insisted on having it with you anyways, he didn't just move on to plan number 2 just cause you told him you can't reproduce, he genuinely tried to have it with you first, same goes here, it will be better than nothing.

[Asker]

I'm afraid there aren't miracles in his case. He has both CBAVD (born without a vas deferens; he doesn't have the tubes that can transport sperm) and cystic fibrosis.

[ChicoFromThe305]

But the effort will still be there, like I said, child or Not, mentally you've made it slightly better for him knowing your heart was in the idea of trying anyways with all odds against y'all, and miracles are known to be miracles cause of the lack of logical explanation lol

The choice is up to you tho of course, if it doesn't work which logically the chances of that are high, you have the other half of the year to go with plan numero 2

[Asker]

Thank you. yes we tried our best and the effort was there. He knows I would've given anything to birth his child. I wanted his child so badly.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Well then at least you have him That, good day.

[molonski2]

I believe we have gone though this previously , its the only possible choice in your situation , its not your fault , so no reason to feel guilty , the one creating the guilt is you , so only you can decide when it goes away.

Just be aware that every piece of sperm in a woman's body alters your DNA for a lifetime , so your husband will have done that also , as will this donor sperm , the important thing is the baby and being good parents together , which you will be.

[Asker]

I know. Maybe I'm so sentimental that I've been placing myself in his shoes; imagining how he must be feeling that years and years will go by and he'll never have that experience, that joy of passing his genes, his legacy.

[molonski2]

Well , with all due respect.. We both know why that is not possible , and if for the sake of the child. How would he feel if he passed this thing on? Horrendous I would guess.

[Asker]

yes indeed horrible
When he was first told the news, he used to cry in private. I never saw him crying but I could tell because some days his eyes would be swollen. The nurse herself, told me he left the office with a couple tears.
I wouldn't have minded if he cried in front of me. I would be crying too if I were infertile.

[molonski2]

Poor bloke , very sad.

[Danny_dan92]

Umm… he’s infertile?

[Asker]

I'm afraid so. His choice (to have kids) was taken away since birth.

[Danny_dan92]

Damn… well. If you’re gonna do it and you truly love him. Do artificial insemination

[Danny_dan92]

Or adopt

[Asker]

Thank you. We've agreed it would be through a sperm donor by artificial insemination aka AI.

[Danny_dan92]

Good 👍🏼