Should I cut off a long time friend for the way she is acting or try to be understanding?

[Anonymous]

Alright, I’ll start off with how me and this friend of mine (let’s call her Mimi) have been friends for almost 10 years. I started college late, and she and another friend of mine (let’s call her Luna) introduced me to their friend group. I have made great friends with all of them despite me having social anxiety and getting over how overwhelming meeting so many new people is. Well that was last semester and a new semester started. Mimi joined a college club and has started hanging out with them more than me and the friend group she was originally in. Luna joined the club later and eventually our trio group chat we’ve had since middle school turned into a group chat about their club and how much fun they’re having. I have communicated so many times about how I’ve been feeling left out and don’t appreciate them having conversations about hangouts that I was not involved in. I was feeling isolated because my longtime friends were not hanging out or talking to me as often so I turned over to other people in our friend group to talk and hangout with. I became close with this girl (let’s call her Hana) because our close male friend drives us to campus. Mimi has noticed how close we’ve become and has become passive aggressive every time she talks to us. She told Hana “I see you’ve been hip to hip with *** lately” while they were working and it caught her off guard. Mimi has stopped replying to my text messages, and that’s fine. But what really hurt my feelings was when I was having an emotional breakdown and got ignored the entire night. I just thought “Would you even care if something happened to me?” I’d like to add that Mimi is very extroverted and has a lot of friends. I’m introverted and keep a small circle. When I communicated to Mimi about how I felt left out, all she told me was “It’s not my fault I can make friends and you can’t.” Why is it a problem if I have trouble socializing AND if I become close to another person?

[Anonymous]

No. You shouldn't cut off a friend because you're having differences.

So, you and your friend Mimi are resonating off one another in a negative cycle. You're feeling terriorial of your friendship with her and feeling like her expanding your 'special' channel you enjoyed with a small company of friends is diluting the specialness (and to a degree there's something to that); It's likely she if feeling upset that your not excited hearing about the things she's been up to and as a extroverted person probably doesn't understand the concept (overly) of having 'special friends' (whilst simultaniously you clearly are special to her because she's getting mad at you, as your story clearly reflects, and getting angry with someone is the flip side of being in love or at least caring in a loving capactity). So your hurting one another BECAUSE you both care, but your also missing each other because your different. Also, Mimi is clearly more used to shifting group dynamics, but less used to having special care for particular friends, but clearly was jealous when she felt replaced by Hana.

Okay to answer your last question. Your socialising capabilities or otherwise definitely isn't a problem, but the tension between introvert and extrovert, where you both had to be a little against your core natures to make this friendship (which shows you both had a love for one another, and here love doesn't imply necessarily romantic love); You both came a little to understand the other, but in the bigger picuture your different natures put a strain on your friendship. Your becoming close to another person makes Mimi realise that she's learned to care for you in a special way, she will feel you let her down not celebrating her wins (her including her new friends and talking about their adventures) she will most likely see that as BEING your friend, by including you in her extended friend group and won't naturally see how you will feel like its her drifiting away or becoming less close as she increases the number of her friends involved. Though she will subconsiously feel the loss especially with Hana being more central and won't see how its similar to your sense of loss because she will see 'going out' as 'not the same' as your closer friendship. Though, she feels the loss as Hana gets to learn stuff you tend to not share with Mimi any more due to you seeking more intimate friendships and feeling a sense of ownership within those Mimi won't naturally understand.

So what do you do?

Well, you realise that its important to Mimi that you like to hear about what she's doing with other friends and she needs to understand just because your spending time with Hana, your not wanting to lessen her as a special friend, but also to understand that in some respects your both going to have to adapt to understand your special friends at times your different natures don't make it obvious for one another.

Sorry, its not a simple answer...

The short version is, friends are complex and worth understanding. Sometimes, we just need to find the way to let them know they are special ut without letting go of our own needs to be different.

Good luck.