Am I wrong for thinking my boyfriend is doing too much?

[lilyanony1]

I haven't told him this but he has in the past financed a car for his parents. He mentioned recently that he wanted to get a car but he was going to wait until later in the year to sort that out. Mostly as we are going on holiday and planning for another trip uk based. Anyways his sister passed her driving test this week and she's been saying she wants to buy a car. Initially he was saying to her that she needs to consider all the costs and discussed it with his mum so they were on the same page. Anyways he told me on Friday that she planned last minute to go on holiday and he suggested she hold back on paying rent if it was a stretch until she returned. She said she'll think about it and get back to him in 48hrs. He then went on to say that he's decided that he will just buy the car for his sister instead.
She is 23 he is 34.

He is well paid and owns his own property not our right... But has a mortgage.
My issue is that he seems to do this a lot, as if he is the parent in his family and it's concerning to me that he doesn't see why I have an issue with it.
I was raised to have ambition and always try to do for myself first and if I need help ask. So I am fiercely independent. Something that he also struggles with. I may not be as successful as he is but I don't reach my hand out at every moment. I also find it insulting that in the past I have mentioned I didn't ask him to pay for my holiday and he snapped at me claiming he couldn't afford to pay for me when a few days prior he mentioned his sister asking him for money.
He seems to take his gripes out on me when they are unjust. Boundaries is a massive issue in his house for example he bakes, he'll do a batch for the house and decided to do some for me which he set aside, when he got to mine he said he didn't have them as they ate theirs and then dipped into my batch. He didn't see anything wrong with it but instead said he would just bake more. He didn't understand why I was so angry. Because it's only food!

[Mr_twoface]

I would say to have an open and transparent one-to-one about finances and how you feel (even though it can be tough and sound selfish) about it and what your priorities are as couple. Allow him to explain why he is very generous with his money towards the family and lay down what you expect from him, financially to bring, into the relationship. Obviously, it has be at least equal to what you bring, otherwise you have no say, how he wishes to spend his own earnings. If he earns more than you and still have excessive funds on top of what he contributes to the household, you can’t come in between him and his family. Blood is always thicker than water and the upbringing has laid the foundation he is standing on now. If you feel he is not holding his end of the equal share, and is not willing to change his spending habits, then you got to move on. If you however don’t bring enough to the household and he does, then you have no say to demand for more. Again, his earnings, his call with the excess amount.

[lilyanony1]

We personally don't share our finances which is why it bothers me that he keeps telling me about his. He knows that I earn a lot less than him. I may even earn as close to what his sister earns but I hold my own. I never ask him for financial help, I don't even ask my mum. I live within my means. It bothers me that if in the future we do start to merge our lives, our development will be stunted because he will constantly be thinking about having money in the pot to bail out his family. I have never worked part time and earned so little until now as I am studying. I worked shift work before but on a full time basis. 12 hour shifts so I could distribute my time better. So reaching out is quite unheard of for me. I probably wouldn't mind if she didn't keep asking for help, and then spent her money on silly things. When he was her age he learned how to be independent but it's like he doesn't want her to learn. This is a problem for me as it's something he tries to do with my issues too either dismiss or resolve them.

[Mr_twoface]

Okej, so you don't live together but are in a relationship? Is it due to studies?

[lilyanony1]

We don't live together because we haven't been in a relationship for a year. I have always lived on my own now with a dog. He lives with his sister and his brother in his owned home. This is why for me it's complicated I don't think he should even be discussing these things with me. Since it's not really my business

[Mr_twoface]

@lilyanony1 Okay, so your title was about "boyfriend" but you haven't been in a relationship for a year. I assumed you were living together. If you have no attachments, what was your question about? Is he just letting you know that he enjoys spending money on his family? If so, is that something you don't like or what?

[lilyanony1]

I have helped family members when they have been in need. Not just because. I don't have a say over how he spends his money or who he helps. But the biggest issue for me is that he will complain about these people spending money carelessly and asking him for help. But in the next breath is splashing the cash just because. To me its irritating as fuck and makes me question what his morals are and whether he has a back bone. He's coming across like a little b#tch ! In the world I grew up men held down their responsibilities as an adult for themselves and they teach others how to grow and build but they don't keep putting their hand in their pocket for frivolous choices people make when they can't afford them. Does that make more sense?

[Mr_twoface]

@lilyanony1 It does indeed. Why are you then putting up with this individual and listening to it all? You've already spoken to him about his issues and tell him to stop sharing this to you too. If it gets to far, cut him off for good. It clearly irritates you so why take it in at all?

[lilyanony1]

Tbh given my previous relationship situations I'm not entirely confident in the decisions I make. Which is why I asked. I am trying to sound board my thoughts because at some stage he made it clear that I misunderstood a vital piece of information which has left me doubting myself.
I get that in relationships it's how you feel and whether it's inline with your morals etc. But having such an unhealthy start in life means I question whether what I feel is valid. It's a learning process and not one I wish to continue to struggle. I hear what you have said. I feel what I feel and I'm making a decision based upon that.

[Mr_twoface]

@lilyanony1 I’m sorry you had to undergo an unhealthy start in life! Do you have people around you, you can talk about your experiences with, so you can overcome personal challenges to become confident in the decisions you make? I’m a strong believer that your opinion and decision is equally as good and correct as anyone else! Only you know what you’ve experienced and can make a firm decision based. What others say should be taken onboard as ‘interesting opinions’ but never seen as the correct way to move forward in your life.

Which ever decision you make, only you must live with the consequence of it. Then again, that decision is not carved in stone so you can have a change of heart and make another decision. Anything to help you do what is best for you!

[lilyanony1]

Thank you... I have started therapy again so I guess I can speak to them regarding this. My mum is of the attitude that my feelings are valid but they may be heightened as there have been a few things going on in my life recently and when we go away as a family she can monitor him. But someone else just responded to me with this perspective.
He views you as beneath him and as someone that “needs him”, while the opposite not being true (he doesn’t feel that he “needs you”), because he thinks that’s safer for him, and that’s the way he wants it. You are not and will never be “equal” to him in his eyes. If you actually did do something to where he began to view you as “equal and not needing him”, he would probably just leave because he doesn’t want an “equal” relationship. He wouldn’t be able to handle that. He wants to feel that he has the upper hand.

Closet and well hidden narcissism at its core.

[Mr_twoface]

Interesting insight. I guess one can also see from that point of view as well.

As for you started therapy again, good for you! Hope it helps you move forward! Wishing you the very best!

[Massageman]

If this is happening before you are married, try to extrapolate what could happen when you ARE and have your OWN considerable batches of bills: savings (always comes first), rent/mortgage, transportation, insurances for life/cars/medical/home/fire, food, utilities, charity donations, etc. You could end up with the very real possibility of him/you paying for THREE households- yours, parents, sister.

You need to have a frank, all cards on-the-table discussion about this before going any further in the helping department. Even though you technically have no legal say-so with his money, eventually you may be sharing, and that includes sharing relatives and debt! It happened once to me, and won't happen again. Good deeds sometimes have a habit of backfiring on people. Be careful.

[menina]

If I were you I would start questioning my relationship...

It seems that he's willing to help his family but he wouldn't do the same for you. That sounds like a red flag to me. I would say that if you don't want to argue with him, then you shouldn't mention money. I believe it's a sensitive topic to him.

[JonesT10Apr]

nice

[Anonymous]

lol I find it funny that you say him helping his family is too much but you are the one with him and probably because he is very successful. Couple of things here: 1) you need to stop saying it’s concerning to you.. it’s not your money, it’s his. He decides what he does with it and if it’s to help his family.. get over it. You don’t control him or his money. And if he was a stronger man he wouldn’t let that fly. 2) it’s not about you and how you feel, he owes you nothing unless you directly give him his wealth, you are along for the ride like everyone else. If he wants to help his family out you should be thankful for a generous guy. There are some of us that wouldn’t give our family’s a cent. That shows his character and also shows yours and your true colors and it’s honestly a red flag.

[strateguy632]

about cookies, if his family doesn't have boundary can't blame him for them. he thinks you over reacted.

[lilyanony1]

Well I do blame him for them, they take this piss and he just acts like it's OK! When it's not.