A good thing to send a friend whose father just passed away…?

Question

A very close friend has been going back and forth to GA for his dad, dropping everything including his job to go tend to whatever the dad needs. Despite this wonderful person’s efforts… it was just his dad’s time.

I don't know all the traditions in that part of the world, but I know he’s Southern Baptist. I can’t make it to the wake/funeral. Does anyone have a suggestion as to what I can send him? I’m on the flip side of the infamous Mason Dixon line and religiously attuned to a completely different writ, but I’d like to show my solidarity and support to the guy while he’s there… Suggestions?

WindAtMyBack · Accepted Answer

First, check with the funeral home and read the obituary. The family may have a preference. There may be a statement at the funeral home web site, or in the obit. Something like, "In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to XYZ".

Flowers with a card are the default and completely appropriate. Donations are also common even if they don't specifically ask for them. If you know the deceased loved a certain park, art museum, church or charity, you can make a donation in their name (not your name). It does not have to be a monetary donation either. You can donate food to a food pantry for example.

Most funeral home web sites seem to push "donate-a-tree" these days. I don't know how legit those are, but I know that's become super common to have a donation link at the site. You can do a search for other similar donate-a-tree sites other than the one linked to.

With flowers/card, you can choose to send them either to the house of your friend, his family's house, or to the funeral home. Since this appears to be out-of-state, the funeral home might be the best bet. Anything sent there will be displayed at the service (assuming they have one). The family will decide what to do with them after the service. The family may take some home. The rest will go to the grave site by default. Any of the above options are fine and common.

If it's out-of-state, it limits somewhat what you can send. Like perishables might not be a good idea unless you know they will be used right away.

I strongly suggest contacting the funeral home with any questions. They do a lot more than just the funeral itself. They are there to help the family and anyone like you who has questions. So do not hesitate to contact them. You can also contact any funeral home in your area and ask questions. It doesn't matter if they are not the ones doing the funeral, they will answer your questions.

OfMiceandMen · Accepted Answer

Send him a letter expressing your condolences, something written rather than texted goes above and beyond these days.

You can always make a donation to the church if they are having a service, or donate to the flower fund if you know where they are getting the flowers for the service.

One thing I did in the past for a friend was to pay for the cleaning services so they did not have to worry about cleaning the house afterwards so that it was spic and span to list. The family just called the number of the cleaning service I hired and give them the key for the day.

TheRealPepperPotts · Accepted Answer

A "Thinking of You" card with a handwritten note is great. Sympathy cards are mostly awful (I've read about 300 of them and they are all pretty much different scripts of "There Are No Words" and "With Deepest Sympathy"). A "Thinking of You" card, maybe with an appropriate scripture verse and a personal note will probably be perfect. I would keep it brief; he'll receive dozens, if not hundreds, of cards.

Be sure you are letting him know of your support for him and what you are willing to do, and not waxing eloquent about how you would feel or have felt about your personal losses. Be specific about what you can actually do or offer, and then, for heaven's sake, make sure you actually do it if asked! You wouldn't believe the promises of support people make, and then vanish.

I'd encourage you, depending on how close you are, to check in every few months. It doesn't have to be deep or super personal or even about the loss, but just checking in when everyone else has moved on means so much. Don't be too nervous about walking on eggshells or giving space; grieving people are often abandoned in the name of "giving them space to grieve". And don't be afraid to talk about the person he lost, unless he specifically asks you not to. The most heart-rending thing for a bereaved person is the fact no one talks about that person anymore. It's beyond death, it's erasure. It's healing to be able to share funny stories and talk about the deceased without it being awkward.

Something to bear in mind that a grieving person is not necessarily right. A grieving person is hurting. There's a difference. Sometimes they may lash out, not because of us and what we have said, but because it hurts. Always remember it isn't you, it's pain. And sometimes things have to hurt before they heal.

kylee2437 · Accepted Answer

Honestly as someone that has lost their father 4 months ago, there’s not really much you can send someone to make them feel better entirely. Not only is losing a parent very painful but the process of how the funeral happens plus life changing is a very draining process that no one really understands until they go through the same hardship. I’d say definitely reach out in maybe a week or so and ask if the person has ate and such, maybe send them some kind of gift card or offer to take them out to eat. During that time 4 months ago, I was heavily neglecting my health

exitseven · Answer

A sympathy card would be appropriate, The real answer is the gift of your time. You do not have to physically be with him but to send emails or a phone call is appreciated. It is even more important after the fact. My father died verry suddenly and people showed up at the funeral which I greatly appreciated but I also appreciated the people who checked in every few weeks just to see how I was doing.

RavVid · Answer

Above all what gives some solace is quiet acknowledgement of the loss. Don't be scared of using the usual words of sympathy etc. Clearly you feel those emotions and the genuineness will be appreciated.

If it is not 'no flowers' consider sending a wreath. For a man, in my country, we tend to use bush flowers - a little more masculine. In similar circumstances, I know that gesture was appreciated and the card.

A donation to something the father was interested in is an option.

If you knew the father recounting a recollection of him is nice.

HawkPerception · Answer

If you have or could get any pictures of them with their father, a 3D photo crystal is a good idea and might be touching to the point of tears.

Here's a link to one I think has a great aesthetic:

https://www. iswanshop. com/PH-849651323947? lg=CA&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwydSzBhBOEiwAj0XN4LVsWjfd4p1jn5u9VBZBSap1ZKBUAxvUhH9IG8G6JV6F0iJVPiF75hoC8-gQAvD_BwE

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Answer

Send food. Where I live if someone dies their family is always sent food to make sure they’re reminded to eat well and take care of themselves as they grieve. When my roommate lost her grandfather, she was sent several food platters. She brought home a sandwich one from the funeral while the rest were divided among her family. When I lost my stepdad, my roommate brought me a couple of pizzas to make sure I was eating. Food is best, if not food then the means to get some easily.

GeminiDiamond · Answer

I've never been in that kind of situation, so I may only sympathize with what you're going through and what I would do. If he's a good friend, I'm going to the wake or funeral, maybe both. I would cancel any plans. If I  absolutely  could not make it, I would call/video chat for sure expressing how sorry I am for his loss and chat.

JohnK123 · Answer

I’d write a long and personal letter and mail it to him

strateguy632 · Answer

a note on a nice card like mice here suggested.

Summeroflove · Answer

Absolutely flowers is a nice gesture. A lot of people will appreciate a gesture like that

Dongie · Answer

I'd say use your traditional means of condolences. That's the personal touch I think this calls for.

SotiCoto · Answer

An Urn with "World's Best Dad" written on it.

NathanDavis · Answer

be there instead...

Alex-Snow · Answer

A handwritten note says a lot!

DrPepper12 · Answer

Spa, massage, nails, restaurant gift cards

A good thing to send a friend whose father just passed away…?

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