My autistic friend is being taken advantage of my her “friend” and doesn’t see it. So how do I help her realize it?

[Anonymous]

Okay so I have a friend (let’s call her Dayla) that is autistic but sweet, kind, nice, has NO mean bone in her body and she’s smart. Dayla puts her heart out to help people and please others. She’s smart but naive when it comes to people and relationships. So she’s been hanging with this girl right (let’s call her Heidi)? She’s known Heidi for two years. They seem to click right away but for the last couple of months that her I quote “friend” has been taking advantage of her. Dayla complained about how Heidi had been being treated and what I’ve seen.
Examples:

She give rides when she needs something or goes out.

She cries to her that she has no friends and Dayla is her only friend she has left.

Every month they hang out and asks Dayla to bring money so they can go out shopping, go out clubbing or meet guys. Heidi lies about working while she is lazy and does NOTHING.

Heidi uses Dayla for her money, rides and treats her horribly. I’ve seen it and so on. I tried to warn Dayla about how Heidi is treating her and using her. I’ve seen how she treats her, looks at her (she’s jealous of her). Dayla yells that she isn’t taking advantage of her and the poor girl is lonely, has no friends but I told her she is but she’s too blind to see the truth and very naive about people. Dayla got angry at me, said she’s not naive and hung up. I’m so frustrated with her and I can’t bare to see her get used so much. Dayla won’t get rid of her. I’m tired of her complaining and not doing a damn thing about it! What do I do? I was telling her the truth. Even her best friends tried to warn her.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, that's really messed up what that Heidi girl is doing to your friend Dayla. She totally is taking advantage and just using her.

I can see why you're so frustrated tryna look out for Dayla when she won't listen. It must suck seeing her be treated badly but not being able to do anything about it.

Few things you could try - next time Dayla complains, don't just say Heidi is using her. Let her vent and agree it sounds crappy, then ask specific questions like "how did she act?" or "what did she say exactly?" Get her to see examples on her own terms.

You could also suggest hanging with just Dayla sometimes doing fun stuff she enjoys, so she remembers what real friendship is like without Heidi. And keep other friends/family in the loop so they can support her too if Heidi acts up.

Ultimately Dayla has to learn this lesson herself unfortunately. All you can do is be there for her when it goes downhill. Hopefully seeing it more clearly over time, she'll ditch that toxic Heidi chick. You're a good friend for looking out for her so don't give up!

[LiamJHayden]

Protect your autistic friend, even if it hurts her. Slimy POS manipulators do take advantage of people on the spectrum like this, often.

[Anonymous]

You say she is smart but she is letting herself get used like this. That doesn't make much sense.

[Asker]

She’s so blind that she doesn’t see her friend using her. I know she’s better than this.

[Asker]

I did tell her it’s her fault for letting herself get used like this.

[jahaims]

You don't know what autism is then. You can be book smart but socially retarded.

[Asker]

@jahaims that’s what she is. Socially stupid

[DishLady]

You have to mention it two or three times, subtilely, so you don't offend your friend.

[Asker]

Excuse me?

[Asker]

Oh never mind I see what you mean. So what do I do?

[DishLady]

Baby steps. Like sit with your friend when they're not occupied with something else and mention it like it's a casual thought... But then reinforce it a couple more times... gently, not pushy... If you can manage to do it so your friend comes to the conclusion that OH THIS PERSON IS USING ME... that's best.

Since I don't know you or your friend properly, I can only suggest to be natural and not force anything.

[DishLady]

If you're too abrupt, your friend might accuse you of being pushy and judgy and all this... (My nephew gets very upset when his parents or grandparents tell him something too abruptly, which causes him to shut them out on the topic, even if their advice is good.)

[Wise4myage]

Tell her the truth and let it go at that.

[Asker]

I did but she refuses to listen

[Wise4myage]

Then that’s all you can do.

[Asker]

Okay. My brother said the only way she’ll learn is to watch her go down and get shitted on. It sounds mean but it’s the only way. I mean that’s the only way to help her.