Should you write off a friendship if the other person refused to compromise?

[Anonymous]

I have this one friend with whom I meet regularly but she seemed off since she broke up with her boyfriend and also has some issues at work. Last time we met, she made a fuss about why I was late - which was not entirely my fault since she decided to come earlier to the venue even though we had agreed to meet at a later time two hours ago. On the way to the cafe, I also made sure to call her to explain that I took the wrong exit and she sounded grumpy complaining about the minutes she is waiting. It just sounded uncalled for and made me feel like she thought I was lying about my proximity to the location.

When I met her, she was starting to complain again but I brushed away the topic pointing out the actual time we had agreed to meet. Similar things have happened before because she usually wants to make plans on point and randomly decides to take the cab instead of the subway because she wants to meet earlier.

Because this was a recurrent issue I texted her to ask why she is behaving off and whether there is a problem. She denied it and asked why I think so, and I reminded her off the situation. Also, explained to her that I can't always be right about the time estimate and my arrival depends on many things like traffic and exits as well.

She read the message and ignored it. It has been a few hours. Is this example of toxic behaviour?

[HollyK21]

I guess it depends how important of a friend she is to you, if the good outweighs the bad and ultimately if the friendship is worth fighting for. It sounds like your friend is having a hard time with the breakup and work, but it’s not an excuse to mistreat you on a reoccurring basis. If you want, you can have a conversation with her about her behavior as of late and give her a chance to correct it but if you aren’t very interested in doing so then sure, end the friendship. I’ve drifted away from long term friend or stopped speaking with them completely based on the circumstances.

[Asker]

Well I don't realle know because as you said she can't just keep going this and pretend it's ok as long as it is her terms. I read her ignoring my message as being defensive and not acknowledging the issue. Or maybe she is actually embarrassed I pointed out her behaviour.

[HollyK21]

I had a friend like that and she’s actually one of the friends I cut off. The thing about me is that I understand life happens. Traffic, accidents, etc happen, and when it does I’m more grateful for my friend to have made it to me safe vs bitching that she had delays, or couldn’t make it, or cancelled the plans.

Of course there’s exceptions, like if they’re constantly flaking or we had a solid plan and she cancels last reason for no good reason. But in most cases, I am very understanding so I only accept friends who have that energy too. Your friend sounds like she’s very inconsiderate of your time. I’m not sure what puts her in that place mentally, like I do wonder if her ex has anything to do with her anxious style of attachment and if she has a hard time being in public alone for 20-30 mins. But in any case, you can’t make it your problem. If you did you be ran ragged trying to make it here or there fast enough that she won’t be put out. I don't know if that is the sort of friendship you want, where it sounds like she’s more concerned with her personal accommodations vs being mindful of you and your time too.

[HollyK21]

**last minute for no good reason

[Asker]

Yeah thank you for providing some useful insight, I did not notice it might be because she has attachment issues. As you said, it was only 30 mins so it was a time that could have easily passed. Instead she kept harassing me asking me my location and why it took longer because the minutes I told her were less. Keep in mind I had already left her a voicemail explaining there was a problem with the exit.

And then she had this weird look on her face like look at how much you made me wait. I did not think she deserved an apology for this reason and when she starting moaning again I shut her down reminding the time of our so-called meet up time.

I still texted her to get closure and first she denies she was irritated with me that day. And then I tell her how we had a conversation about the minutes I told her and the actual time it took. I said she made me feel like she thought I was lying. And then explained to her these things depend on means of transportation and traffic too. There was a time she missed a hairdresser appointment and we would have met after for coffee. She had cancelled because there was traffic. I used this as an example too to illustrate my point.

Now she just read the message on IG and left it on read. She’s actually the type to argue when someone tells her she does something. Wtf? If she gives me the silent treatment for another few weeks should I just remove her from Instagram?

[HollyK21]

That’s how my old friend was and honestly it became too much. She’d do similar things, like passive aggressively mentioning how long she waited for me when she’s the one who showed up to the place early or I was running late due to life happening. I found that behavior so disrespectful and off-putting because throughout our years of friendship I’d never do that to her, I was always understanding even when she ran nearly an hour late to reservations I had to beg the host to hold. He method was being upset but laughing or smiling as she spoke which to me was so passive aggressive. The whole “dude I was waiting here for like 15 minutes already!” When it was only like 5-10 and I couldn’t find parking or lord knows what else when it rarely ever happened. Who needs people in their life who holds them to standards that they don’t even meet themselves? It’s mentally draining.

[HollyK21]

People like your friend are avoidant in nature, which is why she didn’t respond (unless she did overnight), and lack accountability. She doesn’t feel wrong when she was. If anything this is what would make me really reconsider her as a friend and reflect on the value of our connection.

[Asker]

I agree with that and it is hilarious that we had similar experiences. That one friend who arrives early because she decides she’s too bored and then it becomes your problem. 😂

Another thing is that it is mentally draining to appease them. They will be upset no matter what excuse you give them. Just curious, how did you respond to her complaints? Did you laugh it off if she was being passive-aggressive?

You mentioned reservations! Which reminds me that there is actually a second issue at hand which is that she made me book reservations 4-5 times in a row because she was at “work”. (I quit a few months ago) Last time, we met she asked again and then I said I didn’t do it because I was out all day with my family. I created this lie to protect myself and discourage this sort of behaviour.

Just to point out, she doesn’t have many friends I think due to the same reason. Her ex boyfriend pretty much told her to leave him alone (since she was harassing him even though she dumped him a year ago). She also argued with her colleague who apparently told her to “not act up her horse around people” and I think that guy was actually right!

[Asker]

I think I weirdly worded that slang, sorry. I meant he told her that “she was looking down on people” which is what I meant by saying “up her horse” 🙂

[HollyK21]

Thanks for clarifying the horse thing because I was like huh lol but yes you get it! That behavior is just so exhausting.

To answer your question, it took me a long time to finally say something about her behavior. I advocate for myself better now, but back then I was very soft spoken compared to her, who was pretty much opposite. When she’d laugh or smile while making a complaint, I’d gaslight myself often, like maybe I’m overthinking and it’s not a big deal. Plus once our outing got started we always had a good time so I found myself putting how I felt on the back burner so it wouldn’t ruin the vibes.

It wasn’t until a year or two before we officially fell out that I finally spoke up about her behavior when she did something that was just inexcusable. That only turned into a big argument that resulted in us drifting apart finally. I just pretty much stopped trying, kept making excuses not to hang out and eventually she understood. I probably could’ve gone about that better and ended things in a more formal way, at the time it just didn’t even feel like she’d really care.

[HollyK21]

It’s funny you mention your friend not having any friends because mine was the same way lol. In her case she was just trifling when it came to men and didn’t have much respect for girl code. She almost ended two friendships of mine with her nonsense, and fortunately I was able to salvage things after cutting ties with her. Reconnecting with those friends and talking about what she did to them in hindsight she was always selfish, and only caring about her wants or needs. It’s sad to experience women like these😞 do you have any ideas on what you’ll do in your situation? It’s a tough spot for sure.

[Asker]

Oh God there is so many of these mean girls! It sucks to have a friend ruin your other relationships for their own sake. I'm happy you were able to patch things up with them. But she sounds like a piece of work. I really hope other people see it as well.

My friend and I had mutual colleagues at some point in time however she hates all of them now so we don't have any friends in common atm. She literally extinguished all of her ties with them and removed them everywhere.

She just makes it feel like it is always her terms or nothing. She gets sick and cancels a lot, which I don't take personally since I have other friends and things to do. When we do meet and she reaches the destination first she gets worked up right away. Why did a bus not make its way in 30 mins? Am I at the right stop? ''She feels cold so she walk without waiting for me''

That's why I told her I don't understand why she thinks I'm lying. Her not replying made me feel like she called me a liar. I think she lowkey likes to create tension and argue with people.

Also, it has been one full day since she left me on read which is quite rude. I really don't prefer to double-text but I might send her a slightly serious message since she is ignoring the text which was friendly in tone. I'm thinking of something like this ''Are you aware what you say in these sort of situations are hurtful?''

And then if she blows me off again I might delete her off social media since that would be the second time she ignores the message. It's the same thing she did to many people and so would serve her right. Is that a good idea you think?

[Asker]

Also, I totally get being soft-spoken in these sort of situations because it is abnormal. Nobody really expects being interrogated about your whereabouts and you really just don't know how to respond because it is freaking weird. I would not say I'm necessarily soft-spoken but I usually don't say anything either because it is too awkward and I want to move on. I felt shitty about not sayini anything about the way she treated me so that's why I texted her but she doesn't seem to care so far. I might end the friendship depending on her future response.