Is it normal to not want to be a full time mother to my children?

[Anonymous]

I've always wanted to have children. My life would be unfulfilled without it. But at the same time, I don't want to sacrifice my independence for them. I've always wanted to take up a traveling job, still have the freedom to go to bars on a weekday night and meet hot people. I would still be there for my child once in a while but I don't want to be there every night. I'm planning on handing over most of the child care to the father and to the grandparents. And I don't think I can ever make the sacrifices a mother would make for her children. I can't imagine staying stuck with a child that won't stop crying everyday. I'd rather make the money for the family. This is not typical in a mother's nature. But it is mine.

[ohsheeT]

It's called balance You have to find yourself Understand yourself Be selfish sometimes And other times you can't be because you have to become A mother you have to raise your child to become better than you that is your job When you have a child You raise that child without raising your voice You teach that child How it is what it is to be independent But you have to have a balance In life And everything you do That your child does come first It's okay to want to go out And just cut loose If you're a single parent And that's when your balance Prioritizens things Takes the child to her father's If he's a good father To both grandparents Both sides of the family And you'd be real The makeup plan But it has to be balanced you have to be able to give to your child everything your child needs and expects from you And you should expect to do it You have to do it everything you say how you say to that child is going to affect that child one way or the other you have to be balanced there the child comes first but there's no reason why you cannot let the father watch the child because it's 50/50 just make sure you love yourself and you talk to your child the way you would want to be talked to because everything you do when you're on the phone talking to somebody they're listening to everything you're doing they're watching your body language that's who they become your child's the most important but you have to have your Independence your freedom but it has to be balanced

[lightbulb27]

it's good you see reality. you want your cake and ice cream too. I know people doing this and once kid is maeable after experience but two is a lot. after kids grow up a bit they will travel and have family to help. If you have support, it makes big difference. Else, you are full time watching them kids.

Mom isa full time job for at least 20 years.. sometimes for 40+. if have good mate, maybe you get some breaks.

I think it's normal to want some adult engagement and to escape. Seen so many women go back to work after having kid. I think that's wrong, because kids want their mom and dad. But they really just want to know they are loved and secure and supported.

If you think like you do... with fear and doubt, you won't be able to move forward. Stuck, and it will feed your decisions. Realize nature doesn't obey your brain... it wants to make kids and they happen without plans.

the life is yours. Realize other animals don't have these problems because they don't think as hard... yet the foxes in my yard run around looking for food and make kits.

[beenherebefore]

I understand what you're saying but the way you worded it makes me think that you shouldn't be a Mom. Part of being a Parent is sacrificing and once you have them they'll be your top priority and they will need you for a few years. Wanting to have children but only wanting to be there for them once in a while is F*ckd up, expecting the grandparents to be available to care for them in non-sense, grandparents have a life too. Not to mention that your kids would feel your abscense over the years and that would probably cause a toll in your relationship. You sound narcissistic and self-centered, maybe it's due to your age and inexperience in life. If you want to travel and go out so badly do all that while you don't have kids cuz once you have them you can't just dump them here and there because you want to go for a drink. Don't be that Woman who wants to have kids just for the sake of having kids and then turns up to be a terrible Mother and the kids grow up with a bunch of issues. Kids are your own responsibility once you decide to have them.

[mompatrol416]

It's normally to want the things you want still yes...

but as a mature mom who brought them into this world and they are technically speaking.. your responsibility to own up to, and not give anything less than 100% to being the mom they deserve. For sure maybe once in a while plan a date night here or there providing you have a babysitter, but other than that you just look forward to when they are adults to be able to do all the other stuff and have full freedom back... Providing they don't have kids and try and dump them onto you to raise like you want to with yours.

[Asker]

that's because americans like you dont tend to care for their grandchildren.
I have grandparents on both sides that are more than willing to babysit.

[mompatrol416]

Excuse you re read what I said I am a full-time mom to all three my kids my mom and dad do babysit they do not raise my kid I do... I take the odd night here and there to go on a date and if my kids have kids and can't or won't raise them I'm more than willing to by the way I'm no American I'm Canadian never assume makes you look dumb

[Asker]

@mompatrol416

Canadians and Americans are the same. Westerners don't tend to take care of their families. Your grandparents don't take care of their grandkids. And children won't take care of their elderly parents

[mompatrol416]

Kinda being super offensive towards Americans no worries you sound the most American even if your not lol talk about rude

[thecynical]

Listen if you want to keep you independent lifestyle dont become a parent because think about it how would you feel if your mom didn't want to be there to raise you you feel unloved and unwanted wouldn't you now are you really willing to put your child a living breathing part of you that spent 9 months growing inside you through that kind of emotional wreckage I could see the kid commiting suicide in its teens think about what your really saying here you basically want to grow a human inside you for 9 months it shares your food your blood runs inside its vains and your gonna put your selfish independence over being a responsible parent please don't ever have children they deserve a mother and father that wants to be there for them but ill tell you this im almost 40 years old and when my first kid was born I was a chicken shit and I ran that little girl is now in her 20s and she grew up feeling as though I didn't love her or care about her when my son was born I was 30 and it was the best thing to ever happen to me it gave me purpose rather than party I got high on baby hugs it made getting out of bed and going to work actually worth it because I wanted and still want my children to know I want to be there to know I love them no matter what and I want the best for them and that is the joy of parenthood in my eyes im not a perfect parent but im here doing the best I can and thats enough to make me give up everything for them at the drop of a dime

[Zack-Bann]

Yeah sorry, parenthood is a full time gig


You can’t be getting drunk at a bar on a Wednesday and going home with a “hot” stranger while having a kid at home


Unless you have someone else helping raise the kid and in that case as an adult your kid will be more grateful to that other person


What goes around comes around
You half-ass your job as a mom and your kids will half-ass their care for you when you’re older
That’s how most lonely old women who live with cats and get no visitors ended up there

[Asker]

Most Americans don't care for their parents. That's just the truth.

[Zack-Bann]

There’s a reason for that.

Most of these parents walked out on their kids or sent them to work early or kicked them out at 18 or did any one of a thousand things to make the kid grow up in a turbulent environment.

The few who actually love and nurture their kids end up with a caring family later in life

So you chose what you want to do
But tell yourself “most people do so I should as well”
What goes around comes around regardless of the justification

[Asker]

that's actually not true. I have seen parents who worked their asses off to send their kids to college, only for the kid to never call by the time they turn 30 years old. This is actually more common in American culture than any other culture around the globe. It is also the reason why I am reluctant to dedicate my life to my child.

[Zack-Bann]

Your child will only ever be the product of YOUR upbringing.
Even those parents who seem to have done it all for their kids and lost them by 30 made a mistake.
They raised them to be selfish, not to care about family values and such.

Your adult child will be a mirror of all that you taught or failed to teach.

It’s not about “dedicating your life” it’s about setting all the right examples

[Asker]

@zack-bann

thats not true. Plenty of American parents who care for their kids well still end up at the nursing home. I'm a medical professional... i've seen it over and over again.

Americans have a reputation for not caring for their parents. Whereas in other cultures, it is expected that grown children care for their parents and even live with their parents after marriage.

[Zack-Bann]

You keep saying “it’s not true” even though I’m not contradicting you.

I’m just telling you WHY it is that way.

It’s not the place, it’s the culture.

I come from a place where we do care for our parents and many move in with them after marriage as you describe

And I have plenty of relatives that moved to the US a long time ago and had their kids there.

They still managed to raise them to have core family values.

And where you live matters as well.
If it’s a big post-modern city then chances are you will meet a lot of abandoned elderly.

If you go out into rural areas and smaller communities and towns you’ll see elderly being cared for by their own kids.

I’m not saying you should raise yours at a farm in the middle of nowhere
But your fear that your kid will grow up to be ungrateful and abandon you can only be managed by you being more of a parent not less.

If you leave your kid at home with a cold dinner while you’re out at the club and come home in the morning from a walk of shame smelling like alcohol, cigarettes, and sex. Your kid will internalize those images and develop his or her own traumas

Later in life the thought of you will trigger those traumas so your kid will want to be as distant as ever

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I don't think you can know what your mother's nature is in a vacuum. I think that what you can know your idea of it, just that, an idea. An illusion that hasn't been confronted to your experience yet.

A crying baby is annoying, the thought of it is annoying in anticipation. Which is natural, this is not your baby, it's the idea of a baby you're looking at. It isn't real.

I don't know what fulfilment is for you, because it's personal, I don't know what a baby is for you, what it represents, because it's personal.

What I know is that you can't know what your experience with motherhood will be. Because it's an experience and not an idea.

It is normal, and it is common, to look at our ideas, to think that these ideas are real. We're all doing that constantly about any topic.

Sometimes this idea of an experience matches experience itself. Sometimes not. The final result is unpredictable.

[Asker]

Sometimes you just kinda know... I know myself better than anyone else would...

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I must insist, what we can know is what we think. What we're going to live, and what we will feel about it remains unpredictable.

[emeraldsaphire]

Well I'm sure you can find a man who will be a stay at home dad. I'm the opposite. I just quit my job to be a stay at home mom with our first daughter. She's napping right now, but she's been quite the storm lol. I still lover her and I wouldn't trade the world for this life. As tough as it can be. I don't think you are wrong for feeling how you do, my husband kinda feels how you do, minis the traveling bit. He's a bit more of a homebody like me lol

[Asker]

No I'm thinking about spending 1 week a month with my kid

[Xoxocutekitty]

Sounds like you should just become a part time babysitter if you still want to travel whenever you want, go to a bar whenever you want, or be able to check out whenever you want.

A baby requires 24 hour supervision, having biological needs every 2-3 hours and then socio-emotional needs in between. It's great that you would have a village who can help out, it's another to expect other people to raise that baby more than you.

[Xoxocutekitty]

You could also volunteer to become an allo parent, provide support to a mother who IS willing to do everything but still needs help. If you're less fond of babies, this is good because you can 'skip' to fostering relationships with older kids. This can look like volunteering at after school programs, making a care profile (getting paid or doing pro bono) or volunteering at a local community center at times that work for you.

[Staximus]

Don’t have kids if you’re not willing to be there for them. You’re too immature and not willing to accept the responsibility of being a parent. You’re talking about kids as if they were dogs. If you can’t accept that a child is more important than your wants then you have no business bringing one into this world.

[Staximus]

You can be as selfish as you want when you don’t have a child, so just don’t

[Staximus]

You should just get your tubes tied so you can spend the rest of your life getting drunk and slaying cocks

[Asker]

I'm the one with the upper hand, not the child. thats too bad but thats also the truth

[Staximus]

You sound like s psychopath. You should be sterilized.

[Anonymous]

Then you shouldn’t have kids. You don’t have children to neglect them 3 weeks out of the month and see them whenever you feel like it suits you. If you do, they’re going to be damaged by it and also very likely to grow up resenting you and have no relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you want the title of being a mom without actually being a mom. It's sad really.

People like you don't deserve the title. You're not mature enough, nor are you adult enough to be a mom. I feel sorry for your kids and I recommend giving the dad full custody, and severing your rights, they are better off without you.

So stupid.

[Asker]

You can't legally sever the mother of rights to see her kids unless she is proven to be abusive or cause harm to her kids. I don't want full custody, to be honest. I just want to visit

[Opinion Owner]

My suggestion stands. Dont breed. you are going to create a statistic, a child who is doomed to be a criminal. Women like you who dont grow up are worth nothing more than a pump and dump, preferably with protection

[Asker]

@opinion owner

Kids born to financially unstable homes tend to become criminals.

The stereotype that kids born to single parents growing up to be criminal is due to the fact thay single parent households tend to make much less money than two parent households

[Opinion Owner]

Lmao keep telling yourself that princess. Seriously. You're not going to change my mind on this. Only a piece of shit dead beat doesn't want to parent their child, and wants to be like you. Fucking stupid.

[Asker]

@opinion owner

You aren't thinking out of logic. You are thinking out of pure rage. Until you learn to think straight, don't say anything

[Opinion Owner]

Lmao, no, I'm thinking out of logic, and statistics, and the things I have seen in family court and the fact that my own mother was just like you. She valued men, partying, drugs and sex over being a mom to me.

And lady you have zero right to tell me what I can and cannot say, what I can and cannot do. This is a public forum. Grow the fuck up.

[Asker]

@opinion owner

If you actually had an education, you would know that correlation doesn't equal causation.
Just cus single moms raise criminals, it doesn't mean single motherhood is the reason for criminality.

This is the basic law of statistics

[Asker]

Why would I sacrifice my freedom to raise you?

I have the village to help me raise my child... your mother didn't.

That's why I can do what I want to do

[Opinion Owner]

Yet another moronic take. So stupid.

[Asker]

You would have to be stupid to waste your life away for your children.

[Opinion Owner]

You'd have to be a stupid monster to abandon your children. Statistically children do better in a mother father type two parent home.. Show me the statistical peer reviewed proof your way works better. I guarantee you can't.

[Asker]

@opinion owner

Ok, entitled piece of shit... two loving grandparents and a father isn't enough for you? You must need a 24/7 mother?

There are kids out there who don't even get a birthday cake or a coat when they need one...

Get your priorities straight

[Asker]

You're the type of kid who gets a hundred dollar birthday cake every year for their birthday... but throws a tantrum when the store forgot to put sprinkles on the cake.

[Opinion Owner]

Lmao the only entitled piece of shit is a shit stain like you who wants to push out a kid and make others raise them. Fucking moron.

[Opinion Owner]

Women like you aren't capable of taking responsibility for their choices, any pregnancy you have is better off aborted.

[Opinion Owner]

Good lord this doesn't even survive the gender swap test. If you were a man saying stupid shit like this you'd be labeled a dead beat..

[Asker]

@opinion owner

im totally not a deadbeat. i will financially do my 50% on supporting the child and be there part time

[Opinion Owner]

Irrelevant, parenting is more than money. It's being there for them.. But again you're too stupid to understand that aren't you.. Fuck off troll

[Asker]

@opinion owner

the kids already have people there for them. I'm just an accessory

[Opinion Owner]

Irrelevant.

[TrueConfection]

Just get yourself a man willing to be a stay-at-home dad, take up golf, get your traveling job, pay the mortgage and you’re all set. Easy peasy!

[Asker]

No I have no interest in supporting the father of my child. We aren't even married

[TrueConfection]

Awesome

[exitseven]

having kids is the biggest responsibility that there is. If you are not willing to take the responsibility seriously and think you can "have it all" do your future kids a favor and do not get pregnant.

[Asker]

What if I have support and grandparents more than willing to babysit?

[Anonymous]

Then don't have kids because clearly you ain't ready for that. Being a mother & a parent is a full time job 24/7 with no breaks no vacation no time offs and a lot of times your schedule revolves around theirs with school extra curricular activities tutoring etc do yourself a favor don't have kids because you're clearly not ready for that and clearly not mature enough yet especially if all you want to do is party and get drunk

[Opinion Owner]

You really need to grow up if you have this mindset

[Asker]

I put myself first

[Opinion Owner]

Your kids come first and if you don't realize that then don't have kids

[Asker]

I have the family support to step away from my kids. Its not like im abandoning them or neglecting them. I have grandparents on both sides that are more than happy to babysit

[Opinion Owner]

You're not mature enough or ready yet to have kids

[Bricealan]

You shouldn't be a mother then, in my opinion. Being a mother is a full-time job.

I'm not a father for the same reasons you just described.

[Asker]

but i have the family support to not be there all the time. It makes a huge difference.

[Bricealan]

Yes it does, and that may help you..

[Nikki1989]

You are either a full-time mum or not a mum at all. There are no part-time gigs for motherhood.

[Asker]

I have the support to be part time. Plenty of available grandparents around

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

You should probably not have kids, or you should wait until you feel differently about motherhood.

Just reading what you wrote makes me feel deeply, deeply sorry for your potential future children.

[OneViewpoint]

LOL, do your potential children and the world a favor and don't have kids. You shouldn't be a parent.

[DryGermanGuy]

That's what the term "half-pregnant" was invented for!

[AngryCarl3]

If you think Daddy is going to babysit your kids while you're out on the town you're delusional.

[Asker]

Trust me, I be the first to pop out.

[whosnumber_1]

Kids are a challenge end of story. The hardest and best thing you will ever do in your life. It's perfectly normal to feel the shock of life change.

How old are your kids?

[molonski2]

Yes best not to give birth then to be a mother as you describe would be totally unfunctional.

[slatyb]

Normal or not, having had the child you have a duty to be present in their lives.

[Anonymous]

This is a guy trolling the idea of career women being able to be good mothers too

[Asker]

I was raised by a career woman, she was a great mother

[Opinion Owner]

Freedom to go to bars and meet hot people? Are you and the father not partners?

[Asker]

We aren't partners either. We just both wanted kids and he wanted marriage but I told him he wasn't marriage material and that I had no interest in marrying him

[Asker]

My parents were very dedicated parents. I will just ship the kid off to them.

[Opinion Owner]

You’re a terrible person and I still think you’re a guy.

[Asker]

I am totally not a guy.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. Well then you are the least empathetic girl I have ever met. And objectively a horrible person.

[Asker]

Well at least my kid will be raised by loving dedicated grandparents. It won't be neglected

[Opinion Owner]

Yes but they’re being neglected BY YOU. Their own mother.

[Asker]

@opinion owner

They aren't being neglected of anything... they are raised by loving people, have Everything they need. There are plenty who have it way way worse

[Opinion Owner]

It’s still selfish of you. Don’t have kids if you don’t want to raise them.

[Asker]

Everyone is selfish to a certain extent... some people are just humble enough to admit it while others can't

[Smashingdoozy]

Doesn't seem like you actually want to be mom

[Asker]

I Do. Only part time

[Smashingdoozy]

That's not a thing. Its also incredibly unfair for the kids

[Asker]

What do you mean unfair? They will be well taken care of My grandparents and their father.

[Smashingdoozy]

Imagine finding out your mom doesn't want to be around you

[Asker]

@smashingdoozy

I grew up under poverty. Not even having a new coat when my existing one didn't fit. Never had Any toys or even a birthday cake.

You don't know what true loss and suffering is like. If you grew up being well fed, had everything you need, being raised by a loving family, it should be enough

[Smashingdoozy]

Loving families don't abandon their kids part time.

[Asker]

@smashingdoozy

The kids already have loving family without me

[Smashingdoozy]

Not having a parent at all is better than having one that only shows up half the time. If you go through with this just know you're causing undue harm to your children psychologically.

[Asker]

You say that because you are entitled. There are plenty of kids who have it way way worse. You are well fed, have everything you need, have a loving grandparents and loving father. What more would you need?

[Asker]

If you look for every reason to be unhappy, you can always find one.

[Smashingdoozy]

What more could you need? A mother that wants to spend time with you.

[Asker]

They would have more than enough love with a grandmother and a father who dotes on them

[Smashingdoozy]

Then you may as well not be there at all

[Asker]

Your parents clearly spoiled you way too much which is why you are making such entitled demands. There are plenty of children who have it way worse

[Asker]

You're the type of kid who would get a hundred dollar birthday cake every year for your birthday but throw a tantrum when they forgot to get sprinkles on the cake

[Smashingdoozy]

I grew up in foster care. Im telling you this from the experience of someone who had a mother that came in and out of my life as she pleased.

[Asker]

@smashingdoozy

how is being raised by a LOVING grandmother and father the same as foster care?

[Smashingdoozy]

I was raised by a loving foster dad. Doesn't mean I still don't have trauma about my biological mother

[Asker]

@smashingdoozy

foster dads don't actually love you, they just care for you.

the bond between a grandparent and father between their own grandchildren/ child is way stronger

[Asker]

and just because you have a parent, it does not mean they will be a good parent.

my father was abusive though he worked hard to raise me. i have no emotional connection with him and i don't want it either.

[Smashingdoozy]

Lmao okay well im done with this

[Telekinetic-Potato]

You sound too good to be true to me haha

[Asker]

This is a 100% serious question

[jazzy34]

Gosh, I feel sorry for your children.

[Mike_Hum]

This is D- trolling. Do better.

[Asker]

I'm not trolling

[Mike_Hum]

of course you are.

[Asker]

I'm just surprised at how naive you are.

[Mike_Hum]

I'm surprised how bad you are at this.

[Asker]

And what makes you think I'm bad at thud?

[Asker]

This*?

[Mike_Hum]

cause this is a piss poor effort to rage bait.

[Asker]

You have no proof this is rage bait

[Mike_Hum]

I guarantee it is. Either that or you're an idiot. Take your pick.

[Asker]

You sound mad

[Mike_Hum]

How can I be mad when I’m laughing at your stupidity?

[Asker]

because I can see your rage from your tone of voice.

[Mike_Hum]

You’re projecting your own emotions.

[Asker]

@mike_hum

I think you have done a pretty good job of projecting your emotions on here. I can see you are very upset

[Mike_Hum]

you're a silly clown.

[Anonymous]

You probably shouldn't have kids, then.

[Sweetdreams1950]

You’re right, because motherhood is exhausting.

[jahaims]

Yes, raising your own children is normal lol

[In_Trance]

You're not ready to be a parent

[Honeyateleven]

Listen : childbirth is wrong! Sin!

[MasterKS]

Thats how new motherhood works.