My wife wants to go on vacation with another guy?

Question

So my wife wants to go on a getaway to Europe with her best male friend. They've been friends for years (longer than I've known my wife). They call each other "best friends forever" and "big sis" and "little bro." But part of me is convinced that this guy is in love with her. He treats me with contempt and is always trying to minimize me in her eyes. He is ALWAYS around, and it seems my wife and I can't do anything without her wanting to invite this guy along.

I've tried my hardest to respect her other relationships with people and not be a controlling jerk. But this guy bothers me. The thing that strikes me the most is that this guy has become more and more of a presence in my wife's life the closer we've gotten. It's almost as if he's competing with me for her affections and has stepped up his efforts to remain the #1 guy in her life as my wife and I have grown closer. Every time my wife does something, or goes on a trip with her girlfriends, he comes along.

Both him and my wife are insistent that there is no romantic relationship at all. But that it's like a big sister-little brother relationship. Now my wife wants to go to Europe with him. The thing that makes me so angry is that I have told my wife I would love to take a trip with her and she dismisses it as something she's not interested in. Now she's already booked her plane tickets to go to London with this guy in March. I'm at a loss and very angry. I have expressed my frustrations to my wife and she just tells me there's nothing wrong with it because it's like taking a trip with a brother. I just don't understand this, and part of me just wants to tell her to just divorce me and marry him. I love my wife so much, but it seems like she's more interested in spending time with her "best friend forever" than around me. What do I do? Should I leave her?

It should be noted that I have tried to talk to her about this. She just shuts me down and tells me I'm being ridiculous, that this is "their thing" and I should just get over it. I've also confronted the "best friend" and he says that he's known her longer than me and that I should just step off, that I don't understand what they have and how special it is. Yet, neither of them wants to be romantically involved (supposedly). I don't understand this. Am I wrong for being angry and feeling like my feelings are being trampled on?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Give her one last chance. Email a copy of this thread to her if you want, because she may be deluding herself into thinking that she's not emotionally cheating on you..

She needs a wake up call. This is a serious problem, and while a lot of it (most of it) sounds like her fault, women often cheat when they feel something's missing. If she's emotionally cheating, it likely means that she doesn't get emotionally satisfied by you enough. She completely disregarded your feelings.

Now even if you never talked to her, never connected with her emotionally in years etc, that still would NOT excuse her behavior now. If she's trying to make you jealous, this has gone too far. If she's legitimately playing with fire with the other guy, you need to tell her what's what.

First, read Dale Carnegie's book on How to Win Friends and Influence People. It will help you get through this smoothly. Sit her down. Start asking her QUESTIONS. Don't tell her anything about how you feel; merely ask her politely toned questions and truly try to gather up her thought process. She will feel listened to and will hopefully be more accommodating to listening to how you feel after.

- How much are you looking forward to this trip?

- What will be your favorite part?

- Will you miss me?

- I've always been dying to see XXX over there, and frankly honey - I think I'd miss you an awful lot. How would you feel if I came along with you?

- There's plenty to see and do over there. You'd have plenty of time to catch up with [friend's name], but that way I could enjoy some time off too and show off my lovely wife in Europe. It really would hurt my feelings if you got to go have fun and left me here to do all the mundane stuff of the house and work. I'd really like to go with you.

If at that point, she insists that she just wants to go with the friend, continue (politely) with these:

- OK well why do you want to go now?

- This may be a flaw, but as your husband, I don't think you spend enough time with me, and I'm getting a little jealous that you're so anxious to hang out with this friend of yours all the time...but never seem to bother trying to spend time with me.

- I wouldn't care about you talking to this guy as much as you do if it was clear to me that you valued our relationship more. I feel like your putting his happiness above mine, and since you're my wife, that seems really wrong to me. I feel like you're betraying our emotional intimacy.

- I won't say no to this trip. I don't want to impede your life, get in the way of your relationships, but I do not support it. To be honest, I've been thinking about the status of our relationship a lot lately. I don't want to do anything drastic, but the fact that you are so intent on going on a vacation with this guy but indifferent to going on one with me has me very concerned.

- I hope that you'll respect my feelings as your husband and not go as a courtesy to me.

- If not, I don't know if I can be your husband anymore.

timberowl · Accepted Answer

That's a tough one. Honestly, I have a best friend that's a male. We've known each other for 8 years, and I've been with my boyfriend for 20 months. I have no romantic interest in my best friend, who is single, and he has none in me. We have too many differences and aren't sexually attracted to one another at all (different heights, bone structures, preferences, etc). However, he and I love talking and can spend hours on the phone--usually we only hang up because we're falling asleep.

I love my boyfriend, but he is a huge wet blanket on trips. I've gotten to where I'd rather go alone than with him. Seriously--I have a cruise booked in October and it reads "Number of passengers: 1".

If I were going to invest thousands of dollars in a cross-continental trip, I would rather go with my best friend than my boyfriend. We like doing more of the same things, and for that much freakin' money, I want to be with someone I KNOW I'll have fun with. Couples fight ALL THE TIME on vacation. Google it. Friends don't, not nearly as much anyway, because they're less concerned about each others' patterns of behavior--they don't have to put up with them "full time".

Also, this might sound weird, but maybe it's because she's less emotionally invested in him than you? I mean, he's just a friend, you're the love of her life. What if something goes wrong on the trip? If they have a fight and she loses her friendship with him, who cares? If something goes wrong and she loses you, that's devastating.

I will say one thing though: it is really not that cool that you aren't invited. You should be able to stay with them. Even if they run off and do their own thing on the trip, you should be able to go on it, if there's really nothing going on with them.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You're not wrong for being angry or upset.

I think she'd feel the same way you're feeling if you said you wanted to take off to Europe with your girl friend.

In a relationship, I feel that people need to establish themselves as a team, especially in marriages. Now, that doesn't mean they can't have their own friends and own lives and it doesn't mean you can't do anything without the other. It simply means that you are now a team and you must at least CONSIDER the other half of your team.

From what I can tell, it seems more like they are married and you're the friend on the outside. That is NOT the dynamic anyone should want.

It seems you've been very understanding and tolerant. I don't know how you've managed it, haha!

A serious conversation about this needs to happen... now. Don't allow her to brush it off or dismiss you. MAKE her sit down and talk to you about the dynamic and how it's affecting you. She needs to understand that this is hurting her marriage, in a real way. She needs to understand that when you marry someone, you must FIRST consider that person. That's what it's all about. She's acting like a single woman, not a married one.

Have that conversation and go from there. She'll either HAVE to change it I don't see this marriage working out.

I'm so sorry. I wish you the best!

GuyWannaHelp · Accepted Answer

Before anything else, promise yourself this. You should and will NOT leave your wife while you are angry and upset about this. You should never make huge decisions like this while dealing with some heavy emotions. If you have exhausted every possible way you can think of to fix this and have calmed down and you still feel like you want to leave her. Than so be it. If you leave her while angry, you are going to regret it so hard. Believe me, I have seen it happen and it isn't pretty.

On to the problem at hand. This is a situation many couples face, the best friend of the other sex. The situation break down to this: Should the partner with the best friend (your wife) respect their partners feelings and distance themselves from that friend OR should the worried/confused partner (you) trust their partner enough to allow for that friendship. Right of the bat I can tell you that there are no right answers here. She has every right to have friends of the other sex and you have every right to be worried in this situation and to ask her to stop being friends with this guy. In other words, No, you are not wrong for being angry.

Here is what I will do. I will try to explain this situation from your wife and her friend's perspective. Then, I will discuss what should be done to resolve this.

I personally am the best friend of a girl who has a boyfriend. I knew her longer than he knows her. The boyfriend and I are friends and I have no intention of doing anything to ruin their relationship. Yet, I do feel contempt towards the boyfriend at times. She used to tell me everything, all her problems and worries. I would help her and she would in turn help me. It is great to be so open with another person, maybe even more so with someone of the other sex. When that guy entered the picture, I remained her #1 guy for a good time. She knew me longer and trusted me more than her own boyfriend. Eventually, I was downgraded to number 2. Her boyfriend (rightfully) took my place. This sucked. I didn't like being the second guy. Yet, I realized it was necessary for their relationship. It would be bad if I was her number one while her boyfriend was number 2.

Her friend is painfully aware of this fact. He doesn't want to lose her friendship the way I did. Sure, she will still be his friend, but it will be undeniably different. That is why he is treating you with contempt. Is he wrong for doing that? Yes, very much so. The other question to ask here is: Is your wife wrong to go on a trip with this guy?

Before we can answer that, we have to consider how she sees this situation. This guy is a very, very good friend of her, yet nothing more than that. I highly doubt that she has any interest in him other than the friendship. Why do I think this? If she wanted to get with this guy, she would be have been sneaky about it.
In her eyes, you are overreacting. "He is JUST a friend. Of course nothing is going to happen!

(will continue in comments)

TeamNiceGuy · Accepted Answer

honestly yes, yes I do believe you should leave your wife for this. It got me very angry reading this that someone would do this to another person. You have done what I believe is all you can rationally and legally do to express your emotions about this guy and your wife has shown no sympathy towards your feelings. You two are married so no matter what you should be THE MAIN GUY above all else, she committed to you not mr tag along 3rd wheel here. The fact that she is going to Europe with this guy and has booked tickets and everything all while not easing your feelings/knowing your feelings towards this is a HUGE red flag about the relationship. Actions speak louder than words so I think her and other guys words mean jack sh*t!  I think you are completely right to be angry about this and no one deserves to have their feelings played with and blown off like this. She may think that he is "like a big brother" but the fact of the matter is HE IS NOT HER BROTHER he is another man, just like yourself. He is competition and the fact that he doesn't make an effort to be close with you is also a big red flag on the situation. This whole thing sounds fishy to me and I think that it may be time to move on to a new woman, I understand this may be difficult given that you are married but think to yourself "do I really want to live with this for the rest of my life". I think you could do much better and you don't deserve this kind of treatment. Find yourself a better woman who will respect your feelings and you can live the rest of your life with. Best of luck to you man and I'm really sorry you have to go through this

bellabionda · Answer

Ok... Number one. You are married to her. You're her husband. Someone made a comment you're jealous. Which isn't wrong. he issue here is the time she is giving to someone outside the relationship is time that's taken from you. All the energy she is putting in for this man should be given to your relationship.
How you feel matters. And why are you not going on this trip? Were you asked to go? This.isn't high school for gods sake. It depends on what you have invested into this marriage. But its time you lay some of your expectations down. Or get walked over in your own home. I don't think there's much respect there for you as the husband. Frankly I would tell her, hey hun. By the way. I'm bookin a ticket and coming.see what she says. I went through that, and ill be dammed if I ever play second fiddle again.
You need to decide can you live with this. Can you have this guy meddling where he shouldn't. Try marriage councelling. But at the end of the day. It's what can you live with. This trip, is a big no no. Wrong in every way. Take a female to some tropical island. Would she mind.
I won't say dump her. But its so not alright. Sorry. What she did was wrong

LaughOutLoudWithMe · Answer

We know there are ups and downs in all relationships. I've always stood by the saying, "We're going to get hurt by the people we love every now and then, we've just got to decide who's worth suffering for" In your case, I think your wife's continuing affair with this guy (romantic or not) should not be tolerated. You have voiced your concerns to them both to no avail. She is not nurturing YOUR relationship and is completely disregarding your discomfort about THEIRS. She is your wife and YOU should be her Best Friend, her star player, her first chosen traveling companion. Her disregard for your feelings about the matter is not OK and shows a lack of care. I personally would not tolerate it but another persons opinion on whether or not you should leave your wife should have zero influence. I think you need to ask YOU. Is this worth suffering for? Is she worth suffering for? Don't just base it on the content of your above question/scenario. Take your whole relationship/marriage/history into account. This way whatever you decide will be what you really want.

ageha · Answer

The decision of leaving her is ultimately up to you, it's your life and you'll have to face whatever the consequences are on your own (good or bad). Honestly, I think you should trust your gut instinct that something is wrong. Unless some changes happen, as much as you love her could you really see yourself being happy in the relationship with this whole thing going on?

If this were a situation with my boyfriend and me, I would comfort him and tell him not to worry because he's the one I chosen to spend my life with (if we were married). And do whatever it takes to show him that he can trust me. I think that's what a sensible partner should do, but she does not seem to care about your feelings. If you want to try to work things out, you need to get through to her. Don't ask her to never talk to her friend again (she will get defensive), but to look at how her actions make you feel. You could go to couples counseling to get the third opinion, if she doesn't want to "improve" the relationship then you have your answer. If it gets down to it, if she seems to not care still then tell her that you've thought about separating (judge what her reaction is). March is a whiles away but if nothing is resolved by then I'd have my stuff packed up and moved somewhere else by the time she comes back.

You're not wrong for the way you feel, you just want to feel secure and be happy with your wife. Everyone's entitled to happiness. In my honest opinion, her head's in the cloud and she needs to come back down to reality. If she can't make you happy, there's someone out there who will. I hope I helped, and good luck!

Bluegameroyon · Answer

Wow. You've got yourself in quite a pickle.

It seems as if there is some history between you, your wife and her "best male friend" that would be key to solving this problem...

However, honestly speaking if I had a good wife we would be treating each other not only as life partners, but as best friends. We would even treat each other as siblings or parent/child depending on the situation and our mood. We would have lots of fun in life... the kind of fun you would see in best friends, good immediate family members and loyal siblings that watch each others' backs. We would be top priority to each other- NOT some friend who can't get over his jealousy.

In other words, we would be best friends to each other, not someone else. No one should come first other than us- unless it's a very close family member on death row or something, ya know?

However, I would solve any problem concerning her and a jealous friend before even thinking about marrying her. I wouldn't like to marry her and have that jealous friend somehow take her away from me. That would kill me.

Now, If I were in your position...I would talk to her very directly and honestly. I would tell her ALL my thoughts and feelings on this matter as well as how much I love her and how much of a priority she is in my life. She will know EVERY. SINGLE. thought and feeling. Although she would've already known all my feelings and thoughts before we even married...

But if she still says the same things you're describing to me... then it's "Farewell". Breaks my heart... but I cannot live with a disloyal partner.

DutchAtheist · Answer

There are boundries within a marriage and if you don't insist on them being respected they will disappear. It is simply unacceptable for your spouse to go on a holiday without you, let alone with another man. I'd tell her to not bother coming back, that the divorce papers would be sent to Europe.

Even if there is absolutely nothing going on between them, it is not acceptable.

Imagine a married man going across the ocean with a dear "girl friend", I think all hell would break loose (as well it should).

QueenTiffanyB87 · Answer

Honestly she doesn't sound like a very good wife. Even if she wanted to hang out with her "friend" she could have invited you too. And you shouldn't have to compete with other guys for her attention. I mean maybe the situation is harmless but I don't know if I would feel comfortable if my boyfriend went to a completely different continent without me. Either you guys should see a marriage counselor or you should get a divorce, but something definitely has to change. Sorry that this is happening to you.

Cryostatic · Answer

F*CK THAT.

I'd have beaten "best little bro" into the f*cking ground (verbally, possibly literally) for telling ME to step off where MY wife is concerned. I don't give a rat's ass if he's known her since they were in f*cking diapers. Their friendship is OVER after a comment like that. No way I'd tolerate that kind of sh*t.

Your wife clearly doesn't respect you at all, thinks it's fine to just walk all over you, and It's probably too late to fix that. Leave her ass, and let her know what a disloyal piece of sh*t she is when you do.

It sucks ass, but I don't know what else to tell you. She's eventually going to leave you for someone else she respects, whether it's this jerkface or someone else.

pickledxtofu · Answer

You need to put your foot down and tell her there's no way in the fiery abyss of hell she's going on a vacay with ANOTHER man. That's disrespectful. I think my boyfriend would fling a marble at me if I tried to do that.

I don't think this is her having an affair with him. I think she's mistaking it for a platonic relationship and her naivety is sending him mixed messages.

This is why America has a high divorce rate. people automatically rush for divorce. Try expressing to her in a non angry manner, your concerns. "It makes me feel XYZ when ABC"

DodgersGM · Answer

It's time for you to stand up for yourself and make it clear that things will not continue on as they are. And your wife is telling you that you're being ridiculous, and that you should just get over it says to me that she thinks you're a total pushover. That's completely unacceptable.

The way I see it, you need make a decision: either continue being miserable with they way things are, or be pro-active and put your foot down to create a change in your life. Even if things go south for a little bit, eventually you'll get through it and be better for it.

Also, something that strikes me as odd is this: they say that they have a big sis and little bro kinda relationship, right? Well does a one-on-one vacation to Europe seem like healthy boundaries for a big sis and little bro?

Luv2BRealExotic13 · Answer

You're feelings are justified. And to your wife it is probably an innocent thing to her and she's probably being to stubborn to understand where you're coming from. Don't leave as in divorce her, just tell her straight in a polite way you might not be here when she gets back, if you feel like it's getting to that point. It sounds like she doesn't really know how to balance her frienships. As for the guy, I mean is that not what you guys live for? Competition. For you two it looks like you're jocking for an alpha male position whether it's on purpose or not. Just come from a place that is your wife you two are married not her and him, he doesn't have to like it but he had to respect the situation.

trampampam · Answer

ok. you are her husband so if someone should back of its him. You are the one she chose to spend the rest of her life, you are the one she should be happy to go to Europe to.
I am so so sorry this is happening... I am married too, and I have my best friend, the one I know from the age of 6, but the only reason I would take a trip with him instead of my husband, if I wasn't sure I wanna take a trip with my husband...
Sorry to say this, but I think she is not that into you any more. Which is cruel, considering you are married, but that is what I think it is.

I am married, and I know why I wanna spend time with other people, cause I'm boored with him. :(((

drop me a personal message if you feel like, to talk more about it

sarahbeara2010 · Answer

No, you are NOT wrong. I would be absolutely furious if I were in this situation. There is a difference between being best friends and "best friends," if you get what I'm saying. And from what you've said, it sounds like your wife and this guy are "best friends."

I would suggest talking to your wife and letting her know that you are uncomfortable with all of this. If she listens and makes an effort to put you before this other guy, GREAT! And if she doesn't, then you need to realize that you are worth so much more than this and that you deserve someone who is going to be all about you.

Turtleluv · Answer

You are absolutely NOT WRONG. Your feelings can never be wrong. I think anyone in your situation would feel the same way.

Her 'bestie' isn't the problem, your wife is the problem. She won't listen to you, dismisses your feelings and is taking a vacation without you and your consent. If my significant other wanted to go on a trip with a female best friend I had better be going too, or I would be moving my stuff out of the house while they're gone.

I'm usually a believer in marriage counseling but I get the feeling your wife wouldn't go. Maybe you should get counseling on your own to help you deal with the feelings. If I were you I don't think I could stay in the marriage. Having my spouse care more about a friend that our marriage is unacceptable.

I'm so sorry for your pain, I hope everything works out for you.

Phoenix1991 · Answer

I agree with Dutch Atheist , If she rather go on a vacation with her guy friend opposed to HER HUSBAND , Just mail her the divorce papers and say we are done. Almost 99 percent of women who truly love their husbands would adore a chance to go on a trip with them , obviously she isn't one of them , just walk away.

Anonymous · Answer

In this situation sounds like there's maybe something more going on. If she choses outings with him over you, yes there should be concern. My best friend who is like a brother is just that. Would I have gone away with him alone? Absolutely. But not in the sense I wouldn't with my partner. However my friends actions never suggested anything other than just friends and while he wasn't around it wasn't constant. We talked a lot but it was me helping him like a sister. While I would go away with him alone, never against my partner ms wishes. That's a respect issue, not just a trust issue!

whitneyalexandra · Answer

He should back off not you! If he was a real man he would understand that she is married. Yes, I understand them hanging out from time to time but not going on vacation together! To me it sounds like he is competing with you. Stand up to both of them! Tell them both it's not okay with you!

Anonymous · Answer

It comes down to this: Do you trust your wife? Or are you just being insecure? I know the guy bothers you, but if you trust your wife then there is nothing for you to worry about. She won't let anything happen.

I do think it's odd that she wouldn't want to have you come along, I mean, it's Europe! But I don't think your marriage can be all that great if you don't trust her when it comes to him.

You're behaving like a 16 year old boy. I know it makes you uncomfortable, but if you trust her, there should be no problem.

Anonymous · Answer

I agree with all of the other answerers...you're definitely right to feel the way you do.   This guy sounds pathetic, too...spending all his time with a married woman without anything better to do?

DanAG · Answer

This is totally not acceptable. Even if there is nothing romantic going on it's still not acceptable.

You should issue an ultimatum that it will end NOW. If it doesn't end NOW then it's time to call a lawyer and change the locks on the door.

You have to be prepared to follow through with it. You also have to be prepared for whatever nonsense they tell you and try to make it seem like it's all you. It is not you, they are 100% in the wrong.

QueenBeatris · Answer

I would absolutely not be OK with my partner taking a trip with another woman unless I can join too..theres no reason your wife should be putting this guy before you I don't care how3 long they have known each other,she vowed to be your wife,you are supposed to be her best friend not that clown.it does sound suspect...I would never put up with that..she does not deserve u.

My wife wants to go on vacation with another guy?

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