I’ve asked my boyfriend to shave his beard, but he won’t. What should I do?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. When we started dating he had some facial hair but it was shorter. Now it’s grown out down to his collar bone and is very scraggly. I’ve asked him to shave it. And I know men love their beards so I understand it’s a big question to ask. I told him he doesn't have to take the whole thing off, just a trim or if he could have it back to the shorter length it was when we started dating that’d be perfect too. He’s said “oh maybe but just let me look like a homeless person”. And we both laugh about it. But he hasn’t actually agreed to shaving it. I’ve asked him again and he’s gotten irritated by the question now so I’ve stopped asking. His beard kinda grosses me out cuz food gets stuck in it and it gets in my mouth whenever we kiss and then sometimes the shedding beard hair gets in my mouth too and I have to pull it out. I’ve told him this but he still won’t shave it. Any suggestions on how to approach the topic with him again?

rjroy3 · Accepted Answer

First and foremost be accepting of him having the beard, rather than focusing on getting your way (trying to change him).

Emphasize him taking care of the beard, rather than the length. When you talk about the aspects that bother you with his beard. It's mostly the fact he's not taking care of it rather than having a big beard. You said scraggly, dirty, beard shedding.

If he simply trims loose hairs, washes the beard and keeps it healthy/clean then you won't have to deal with the extra hairs so much. Like girly I've been seeing has a short haircut and I have short, but volumous hair. I'm clean shaven and both of us still gets the others hair in our mouths lol. Hair just sheds, that's what it does. But you can lessen it a lot by simply taking care of yourself. So if I were you I would HEAVILY focus on delivering the message to him that you just want him to take care of himself, regardless of the look he chooses to have. Then have slight negative reinforcement, by using words like "it gets bad sometimes" when talking about the aspects you don't like. The excess hair shedding in your mouth and the uncleanliness of the beard. That's something he should be doing anyways and you can deliver the negative message in a loving way.

coachTanthony · Accepted Answer

Well tell him how much it bothers you... like really tell him you are starting to become not so attracted to him anymore. If his beard grosses you out and there really is food getting stuck in there then make that an issue not because you like him without the beard.

This would be the same thing as if a partner gained a bunch of weight and still hoped the attraction remained. It just doesn't so before it goes dead altogether tell him.

Don't wait and make it some final straw! That would not be fair.

muliebrity · Accepted Answer

Oh gross!!

Have you tried indirect ways?

Every time you guys kiss and/or hug just back away and say "oh so itchy! can't deal😉😋" Keep doing it so he mentally registers that he'll lose these actions if his mane is this much.

Sex.. lessen it till he asks "how come we dont have sex?" To which you can say "its the beard.. i just see a homeless person.. i love you but just for some reason not turned on"

What do you have to lose 🤷‍♀️ might as well.

DestinyElizabeth04 · Accepted Answer

Thats a tough topic.. At first I was thinking "Just let the man have his beard" but after further reading and realizing that his beard is at a point of bad hygiene and it clearly not well kept, I agree with you. Its time for a trim. Unfortunately though, this is a decision he will have to come to on his own and nothing you say will make him do it.

HeavyRoller · Answer

It's fair for you to ask him to shave it off and it's fair for him to say no. But what's not fair is him refusing to keep it neat and clean. That's not loving in my opinion, assuming you've told him that part. Now you have an issue that you've stuffed (since you've stopped asking) and that will absolutely come back on you later, especially if you ever get married. Stuffing things is unhealthy because they build up silently and explode eventually. I would tell him honestly how it makes you feel that he doesn't keep it clean and neat for you. And if he refuses to at least change that part then it's really a deal breaker. Don't listen to the people who will say you're a b%^&$ or superficial. Relationships are ALL about give and take and if he isn't willing to give SOME then you're in a one-sided situation. Just my 2 cents.

holograph · Answer

Stop kissing him and/or find a different boyfriend. I see most of the other guys are responding in ways that makes it seem like a beard is crucial to a man's identity as a man (which is obviously ridiculous) but the fact of the matter is that it's unhygienic (if you do a little research you'll find that beards harbor worse things than food) and disgusting and it has an actual negative effect on OP's life even though it has no actual benefit for the BF's life.

Liking how you look with a beard is one thing. Insisting you have one, then not taking care of it such that it becomes disgusting and unhygienic, then mocking OP's valid concerns is just disrespectful.

It's far from the worst thing I've heard about a boyfriend doing on this site, but I still doubt that this guy is Mr. Right for you.

Some guys are literally obsessed with their beard and it's just so... Lame. I don't know what else to say about it.

Wharvey98 · Answer

Best option here, explain the situation to him. Most people here are suggesting manipulating him. Not a great way to go. If he’s your boyfriend here he should care more about you than his beard. So if you explain the situation and he still doesn’t do anything then there’s a bigger problem here. Try offering a compromise, maybe just him taking better care of his beard would help. Keeping it clean and properly groomed would keep food from getting in there and mitigate beard shedding as well. Proper beard hygiene is a must for guys with facial hair. Check out some beard care kit options like dollar shave club.

GiveitaShance · Answer

Tell him that if he doesn't trim it than to expect no kisses cus its gross that you are forced to have old food get into your mouth because of the beard. That is seriously gross. Or at least have him groom his beard if he doesn't want to shave it becuase itsnot fair that you have to suffer that.

iminhell · Answer

Ultimately it's his decision and you should not try to force him into it. BUT if he insists on having it then he absolutely should be taking care of it and keeping it clean. It's wrong to ask someone to change their looks for you but there is NOTHING wrong with asking them to be hygienic and taking care of themselves, especially if he is expecting you to kiss him with a dirty beard.

IIGrifterSixII · Answer

LMAO I made a post about changing my womans look and all the women closed rank and were like" Listen AHOLE no woman should ever change her look for a man. I f you dont like her as she is you dont deserve her. etc" and now women and advocating sexual blackmail to ensure he complies. Wheres the equality. Why aren't ya;ll saying things like he shouldn't have to change. I would never change.. So ridiculous

BlackWidow9051 · Answer

Both of your wants are justified. I think you should ask him to reach a common ground and agree to at least keep his beard well-groomed. He does have the right to decide things about his physical appearance but not at the cost of personal hygiene. that's just gross.

MissDawn7961 · Answer

if he won't shave it then do not kiss him until he does shave it and if he asks you why you won't kiss him then tell him that his beard bothers you to much to do so and that you do not like seeing food particles in his beard for he is to lazy to clean his beard out

Lliam · Answer

Quit kissing him. Have a headache when he wants sex. Cease grooming yourself and go au naturel.
Give him distasteful looks.
If he doesn't care if you don't find him attractive, then he doesn't care about you. Do you care if he finds you attractive? I'll bet you do all kinds of things to make yourself attractive. He should care if you find him attractive. If he doesn't then he doesn't value you much.

Jackieboi · Answer

Try establishing a timeframe. he's not gonna have it forever, so when is he taking it off? And why? Why is it important to him, he probably has a lot of manlyness attached to it, probably his first bear. Seem to be testing the boundries of acceptable "manly behaviour" by intentionally looking like a bum and having food stuck. Boundries you need to set if it grosses you out. But try approaching with a compromizing attitude: hell keep the beard for a while but when is it enough and why?

Mädchen · Answer

I get that this is kind of a sensitive topic and that the guys here are like 'it's his choice' and yes it is but when comes to personal hygiene he should consider what his partner wants. He doesn't have to shave it all but at least keep it clean

MrKinktastic · Answer

I’d be honest, tell him the beard is his choice but explain the things that bother you about it. He might try to keep it cleaner etc which may work, but if you don’t feel like kissing him because his beard isn’t hygienic, just don’t kiss him until it’s hygienic. Problem ought to sort itself out fairly quickly if you’ve been up front all along about what’s going on (it grossing you out)

Mollynotgemma · Answer

Let him do what he wants! He may not be shaving it off as doesn’t want to be controlled! Let him go through his phase and don’t mention it again and before you know it it will be gone. And if it’s not gone then it shouldn’t matter!
If he asks you to cut your hair into a bob but you didn’t isn’t that the same?

The_FallenOne · Answer

How about this. If he doesn't want to shave his beard don't be a fucking bitch about.
No person with self-respect would change their body to ensure someone else's hhappiness. Only people who would bend at you will like that are young children.

Question: How would you feel if he told you to drop a couple pounds because you were getting fat and he didn't like it?

luvstoned4him · Answer

beard is a guy's favorite thing after cars

I doubt you would be able to make him get rid of it and if you do, expect this to become a full fledged argument.

maybe ask him nicely if he would shave some off... I don't know

worldscolide · Answer

Lol you don't. How would you feel if he asked you to shave your head or alter some part of your body he doesn't like... Never try to change your man.. It's wrong to do that. Sure you can ask, but if he says no, there is nothing you can do beyond leaving or accepting his body his choice.

lyssagirl · Answer

Get smart n take him to a nice barber n buy the full treatment like the hot towel and shit and ask for them to trim it up nice. Even long it doesn't have to look like backwoodsmen, and can be super sexy. Also Would u like it if he tried to control your appearance. Most women would verbally kick his ass.

slatyb · Answer

If he's going around with food in his beard then he's grossly unkempt. By allowing himself to be unpleasantly dirty he's telling you he doesn't care about you. So what's so wonderful about him? Most women would be gone.

BattleKitten77 · Answer

Break up with him. I fucking hate beards and this nasty ass fad. Better yet you stop saving and waxing. Fucking bastard is walking around with pubs all over his face let him deal with another big bush. That should prove your point. It makes me sick that we work so damn hard and they think not grooming looks hot. Omg and the fucking petting themselves make me sick.

btbc92 · Answer

How about you don't and respect him? You knew he has a beard from day 1. He is not your husband to make such demands. Of you can't find yourself able to do so, just end the relationship due to incompatibility on those levels or deal with it. If you ask him again he will blow up into an argument and then your going wished you'd listen. That's my advice to you. Maybe think about these things before dating a person who already has a beard until it grows on you.

I’ve asked my boyfriend to shave his beard, but he won’t. What should I do?

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