I’ve asked my boyfriend to shave his beard, but he won’t. What should I do?

[rjroy3]

First and foremost be accepting of him having the beard, rather than focusing on getting your way (trying to change him).

Emphasize him taking care of the beard, rather than the length. When you talk about the aspects that bother you with his beard. It's mostly the fact he's not taking care of it rather than having a big beard. You said scraggly, dirty, beard shedding.

If he simply trims loose hairs, washes the beard and keeps it healthy/clean then you won't have to deal with the extra hairs so much. Like girly I've been seeing has a short haircut and I have short, but volumous hair. I'm clean shaven and both of us still gets the others hair in our mouths lol. Hair just sheds, that's what it does. But you can lessen it a lot by simply taking care of yourself. So if I were you I would HEAVILY focus on delivering the message to him that you just want him to take care of himself, regardless of the look he chooses to have. Then have slight negative reinforcement, by using words like "it gets bad sometimes" when talking about the aspects you don't like. The excess hair shedding in your mouth and the uncleanliness of the beard. That's something he should be doing anyways and you can deliver the negative message in a loving way.

[coachTanthony]

Well tell him how much it bothers you... like really tell him you are starting to become not so attracted to him anymore. If his beard grosses you out and there really is food getting stuck in there then make that an issue not because you like him without the beard.

This would be the same thing as if a partner gained a bunch of weight and still hoped the attraction remained. It just doesn't so before it goes dead altogether tell him.

Don't wait and make it some final straw! That would not be fair.

[muliebrity]

Oh gross!!

Have you tried indirect ways?

Every time you guys kiss and/or hug just back away and say "oh so itchy! can't deal😉😋" Keep doing it so he mentally registers that he'll lose these actions if his mane is this much.

Sex.. lessen it till he asks "how come we dont have sex?" To which you can say "its the beard.. i just see a homeless person.. i love you but just for some reason not turned on"

What do you have to lose 🤷‍♀️ might as well.

[DestinyElizabeth04]

Thats a tough topic.. At first I was thinking "Just let the man have his beard" but after further reading and realizing that his beard is at a point of bad hygiene and it clearly not well kept, I agree with you. Its time for a trim. Unfortunately though, this is a decision he will have to come to on his own and nothing you say will make him do it.

[HeavyRoller]

It's fair for you to ask him to shave it off and it's fair for him to say no. But what's not fair is him refusing to keep it neat and clean. That's not loving in my opinion, assuming you've told him that part. Now you have an issue that you've stuffed (since you've stopped asking) and that will absolutely come back on you later, especially if you ever get married. Stuffing things is unhealthy because they build up silently and explode eventually. I would tell him honestly how it makes you feel that he doesn't keep it clean and neat for you. And if he refuses to at least change that part then it's really a deal breaker. Don't listen to the people who will say you're a b%^&$ or superficial. Relationships are ALL about give and take and if he isn't willing to give SOME then you're in a one-sided situation. Just my 2 cents.

[holograph]

Stop kissing him and/or find a different boyfriend. I see most of the other guys are responding in ways that makes it seem like a beard is crucial to a man's identity as a man (which is obviously ridiculous) but the fact of the matter is that it's unhygienic (if you do a little research you'll find that beards harbor worse things than food) and disgusting and it has an actual negative effect on OP's life even though it has no actual benefit for the BF's life.

Liking how you look with a beard is one thing. Insisting you have one, then not taking care of it such that it becomes disgusting and unhygienic, then mocking OP's valid concerns is just disrespectful.

It's far from the worst thing I've heard about a boyfriend doing on this site, but I still doubt that this guy is Mr. Right for you.

Some guys are literally obsessed with their beard and it's just so... Lame. I don't know what else to say about it.

[Wharvey98]

Best option here, explain the situation to him. Most people here are suggesting manipulating him. Not a great way to go. If he’s your boyfriend here he should care more about you than his beard. So if you explain the situation and he still doesn’t do anything then there’s a bigger problem here. Try offering a compromise, maybe just him taking better care of his beard would help. Keeping it clean and properly groomed would keep food from getting in there and mitigate beard shedding as well. Proper beard hygiene is a must for guys with facial hair. Check out some beard care kit options like dollar shave club.

[BattleKitten77]

Break up with him. I fucking hate beards and this nasty ass fad. Better yet you stop saving and waxing. Fucking bastard is walking around with pubs all over his face let him deal with another big bush. That should prove your point. It makes me sick that we work so damn hard and they think not grooming looks hot. Omg and the fucking petting themselves make me sick.

[The_FallenOne]

How about this. If he doesn't want to shave his beard don't be a fucking bitch about.
No person with self-respect would change their body to ensure someone else's hhappiness. Only people who would bend at you will like that are young children.

Question: How would you feel if he told you to drop a couple pounds because you were getting fat and he didn't like it?

[iminhell]

Ultimately it's his decision and you should not try to force him into it. BUT if he insists on having it then he absolutely should be taking care of it and keeping it clean. It's wrong to ask someone to change their looks for you but there is NOTHING wrong with asking them to be hygienic and taking care of themselves, especially if he is expecting you to kiss him with a dirty beard.

[IIGrifterSixII]

LMAO I made a post about changing my womans look and all the women closed rank and were like" Listen AHOLE no woman should ever change her look for a man. I f you dont like her as she is you dont deserve her. etc" and now women and advocating sexual blackmail to ensure he complies. Wheres the equality. Why aren't ya;ll saying things like he shouldn't have to change. I would never change.. So ridiculous

[BlackWidow9051]

Both of your wants are justified. I think you should ask him to reach a common ground and agree to at least keep his beard well-groomed. He does have the right to decide things about his physical appearance but not at the cost of personal hygiene. that's just gross.

[Passinggas]

Well if it bothers you that much then just leave him. Usually when a woman begins changing her SO, way down deep she is starting to venture off to another. You must have identified another male in your circle that has this and your mind is trying to fit the current SO to the one you desire in fact.

[GiveitaShance]

Tell him that if he doesn't trim it than to expect no kisses cus its gross that you are forced to have old food get into your mouth because of the beard. That is seriously gross. Or at least have him groom his beard if he doesn't want to shave it becuase itsnot fair that you have to suffer that.

[Emmalouise03]

Don't tell him to do something about his appereance, that's kind of like him saying 'you Have to shave your pussy or I won't eat it, or you have to shave in general or else I'm not okay with u', i mean you can't tell anyone what to do about themselves, it's his own fucking choice, he is his own person, and I'm SURE it doesn't kill u, so stop being such a brat and accept him for who he is, it's not that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand either. but somehow it's funny lol. sometimes he shaved it all. but sometimes he doesn't want and didn't want to listen to me. he prefers to look older than younger. I don't understand. sigh. he's 10 years older than me, when he shave m, I feel like we are same age, but when he doesn't shave it, i feel like dealing with some old man 🧔 feels like I'm with a guardian. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I think I'll shave him when he's sleeping

[Lliam]

Quit kissing him. Have a headache when he wants sex. Cease grooming yourself and go au naturel.
Give him distasteful looks.
If he doesn't care if you don't find him attractive, then he doesn't care about you. Do you care if he finds you attractive? I'll bet you do all kinds of things to make yourself attractive. He should care if you find him attractive. If he doesn't then he doesn't value you much.

[updog45]

Let him keep it for a while, I can almost promise that eventually shaving will enter his mind. A comedian said it best, I can't remember who; the only reason he said he grew his beard is because men dont have anything else left for themselves lol but its sorta true.

[Jackieboi]

Try establishing a timeframe. he's not gonna have it forever, so when is he taking it off? And why? Why is it important to him, he probably has a lot of manlyness attached to it, probably his first bear. Seem to be testing the boundries of acceptable "manly behaviour" by intentionally looking like a bum and having food stuck. Boundries you need to set if it grosses you out. But try approaching with a compromizing attitude: hell keep the beard for a while but when is it enough and why?

[Mädchen]

I get that this is kind of a sensitive topic and that the guys here are like 'it's his choice' and yes it is but when comes to personal hygiene he should consider what his partner wants. He doesn't have to shave it all but at least keep it clean

[MrKinktastic]

I’d be honest, tell him the beard is his choice but explain the things that bother you about it. He might try to keep it cleaner etc which may work, but if you don’t feel like kissing him because his beard isn’t hygienic, just don’t kiss him until it’s hygienic. Problem ought to sort itself out fairly quickly if you’ve been up front all along about what’s going on (it grossing you out)

[MissDawn7961]

if he won't shave it then do not kiss him until he does shave it and if he asks you why you won't kiss him then tell him that his beard bothers you to much to do so and that you do not like seeing food particles in his beard for he is to lazy to clean his beard out

[Mollynotgemma]

Let him do what he wants! He may not be shaving it off as doesn’t want to be controlled! Let him go through his phase and don’t mention it again and before you know it it will be gone. And if it’s not gone then it shouldn’t matter!
If he asks you to cut your hair into a bob but you didn’t isn’t that the same?

[Likethecity]

It’s similar to asking your girl to shave her legs if she doesn’t. If you can’t agree to a compromise and it’s that big of a problem just leave him. No doubt it would be a stupid reason if you love each other. Otherwise you should accept him as he is