Why you (women) don't get approached or asked out


I've been seeing this a lot on GaG and it's been irking me. A lot of women don't understand the pessimistic mentality a lot of guys tend to have, and thought I'd help share what's going on. This take is pretty much my personal experience on why I wasn't able to approach that cute girl at the bar or at the gym.

And ladies, it's not about your looks. It's about the guy. For some reason girls just don't understand that it takes a lot of mental effort for most guys to approach someone they have never met and flirt with her. So much junk runs through our heads, either distracted by things going on around us, or running scenarious of literally everything that can go wrong if we just said 'hello' to you.

Why you (women) don't get approached or asked out.

I'm going to provide a list of mental quotes from said guy, using myself as an example.

"She has a boyfriend. She's too beautiful not to have one."
"One of those guys she's with is dating her already."
"She has a ring...oh she's definitely taken."
"She'll think I'm an idiot."
"What if I say something stupid?"
"What would happen if her boyfriend shows up?"
"I'm not ready."
"What if she things I'm ugly?"
"What if she thinks I'm a player?"
"What if she thinks I just want sex?"
"We won't have any interest."
"She's looks busy. I don't want to bother her."
"She's already having fun, I feel I'll make it awkward for her."
"I'll wait another minute."
"I'll wait for 2 more minutes."
"I'll see what happens in 5 minutes."
"I would like to talk to her, but I'm in the middle of something (even if I'm not.)"
"My workout is more important (even if I can spend 5 minutes of my time to talk to her.)"
"This is dumb, I don't need her (even if I really want to be with her.)"
"She's not my type (even though she totally is.)"

"I'm too young for her."
"She wouldn't go for short guys"

And how here's what goes through a guys mind when you're actively talking / flirting with him, or if he thinks he sees you checking him out.

"Is she looking at me? No, must be another guy."
"Maybe she'll come over here."
"God my smile looks dumb."
"Shit she saw me looking at her, turn away!"

"Is she flirting with me? I think that's just how she is with everyone."

"No, she couldn't mean that."
"I'm just imagining things."

"Nothing like this happens to me, why should I expect things to be different?"

"Is she trying to cheat on someone?"

"I hope her boyfriend doesn't get mad"
"What if she has to go with her friends?"
"What if her friends think I'm a creep?"
"I think I'm boring her."
"I feel too stressed to be amusing to her."
"This conversation has turned dead...I don't know what to say next."

So next time you say "Why doesn't he approach me?" just consider these quotes and you'll understand why and know what to anticipate. Knowing that any of these going through a guy's mind will help you become more comfortable with yourself, as well as even encourage you to be the one to approach a guy.

Why you (women) don't get approached or asked out
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Most Helpful Girl

  • gbpackers
    Yes this makes sense, but sometimes women need to take a step back and realize that they're coming off as unapproachable. It's all in the body language, the energy you give off etc. Loosen up, and don't be so fixated on getting a guys attention and smile more... I guarantee thats when a guy will approach you, when you're just happy and confident !!
    Is this still revelant?
    • Listen to what this lady said girls.

    • FatherJack

      Absolutely spot on !! Most women wear a scowl & come across as " Don't you DARE even look in my direction " , also see my comment above about brutal bitches. Too much social media / lack of real person social skills & the demonizing of men in the " media " also are factors. Well said !!

Most Helpful Guy

  • aniemist
    I think either gender can have these thoughts, and on both sides there are those that can get past this or have great confidence as well, but the fear of rejection or of making a fool of oneself is a powerful deterrent indeed.
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Hajar_Whitestone
    You think? Guys in general specialy Internet they look for one thing having fun, I don't mind to stay single better then be used...
  • muspelhem_5
    Great take. I would like to add:

    "What if she feels creeped out by me?"

    "What if she rejects me very publicly and embarrasingly?"

    These thoughts are not necessarily rational or likely to come true, but I know I have had them a lot.
    • Ohh definitely! Can't believe the public one slipped my mind.

    • Well that is a good sign :) Since those thoughts mostly hold people back...

  • friendlymbflirty
    This is really helpful and totally what I figured was going on, not that I don't get asked out but I think that's just because I'm such an approachable person (now I just soun conceited).

    As far as everyone talking about girls asking guys out well, yeah I don't do that. I grew up around all guy cousins and they told me that if a girl asks a guy out then she's either desperate or has been around. What I do do if I like a guy but he's not approaching me is; if I'm with a friend we move closer toward where he is and talk about something he and I have in common (I am pretty good at reading people and being able to tell what they're into) or as my girlfriends tend to like to do is talk about a party that I probably won't go to so what am I gonna do this weekend with everyone at the party but me. If I'm with guy friends though I run in the opposite direction of the person because my guy friends tend to like to go up to the guy and basically drag him over there to ask me out, they are a strange bunch. If I'm alone then I usually go and strike up a casual conversation and wait to see if he asks me out. I try to keep it light, funny, and focused on his interests or on embarrassing stories of my family and friends (of which I have plenty).

    The last one is an idea I got from my cousin, he said it keeps a guy at ease to know that he doesn't have to come up with all the talking or entertaining. He also said it makes you memorable in a feel good way especially if you get him laughing.
    • The funny thing is it seems society is starting to make men seem like the 'desperate' ones if they go approach and try to flirt and converse with women they meet. Being called "thirsty" or "needy." I've experienced this a little bit.

      So you just need to know that you shouldn't be made to feel desperate if you approach a guy. It's unfair for anyone to feel that.

  • Octavion
    Several people have told me if you see someone and find them attractive you have to approach them that moment. Every single second you don't your chances of pussying out increase by 20% because you're gonna use your brain if you give it time to think which fucks you.
    • Exactly. It takes at least 3 seconds to approach them before your mind decides to start thinking bad thoughts.

  • BelleGirl21
    I liked this take. I'm not a guy but I can definitely understand how you'd have those feelings.
    Just note that most (not all) girls are just fine with a friendly hello and conversation. Just know that someone willing and happy to talk to you doesn't translate into a date, but still we're not going to eat you alive... if that helps. Good luck out there!
    • There are a lot of circumstances (for me at least) that prevent me from wanting to talk to a woman. If she's with a group of people, if she's working out at the gym, if she looks busy, etc. That's perhaps my biggest problem personally right now when it comes to wanting to approach a woman.

    • That's totally normal. The same things run through girls heads!

    • @BelleGirl21 that is incorrect. Most women in their late twenties and older are ok with having friendly convos with guys in general regardless how they look like but not most females in their teens and early twenties. Most not all females in this age range don't like having friendly convos with a nerdy or geeky looking guys even though he is talking about interesting things.

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  • PassiveAggressive
    That's interesting, thanks. It really does seem like if you've got the confidence anyway, that it would be much easier for girls to approach guys. In response to this, we're always taught that we've got to play hard to get and it seems desperate if we pursue the guy, like we're not attractive enough to be approached.
    • Funny because I sometimes feel too desperate to approach girls, especially online when others would call me "thirsty" for the slightest flirtatious remark.

  • squatqueen
    HAHAHA... I think the same thing about guys... "He has a girlfriend... he is too good looking (sexy) to be single.."
    • Could've only assumed. Though I myself couldn't dare reject a woman who calls herself the "Squat Queen" xD

    • squatqueen

      haha, love my squats!!

    • @squatqueen How would you figure out if he did have a girlfriend?

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  • Ped1981
    I used to think. Would it kill a girl to walk over to a guy for once and have a chat. Or when you do talk to one they just stare at you and expect you to entertain them all night. You've no idea where you stand most of the time.
    • I've thought for my whole life that guys think girls who hit on them are desperate. I don't know about everyone, but that's what some of us have always felt.

    • @glitter_unicorns24 Now more guys are starting to feel they're desperate now for hitting on women. Being called "Thirsty" or sometimes a "player" falsely.

    • Ped1981

      It's nuts to think that. We're all in the same boat here. Guys have got needs and so have women. Why be coy about it? I'd love to get approached by a woman for once. It's a thrill when it happens. A beautiful woman strolling up smiling and wanting to chat you up. It's a dream though. It'll never happen

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  • CincinnatiRedsfan
    Not a bad take, but I've been approaching girls forever now and it has not worked at all. I still haven't been laid or had a girlfriend. I go after 90% of a girls too, I'm the least pickiest guy I know. Girls in or age group are stuck up for the most part and only date wealthy men.

    Women are approaching now but they only do it to wealthy men.
    • The next challenge is to let go of expectation. Be self amusing and let your inner self shine. Perhaps you're trying too hard to appeal to women. Perhaps not enough sexual tension to get their minds flowing towards what you want (not even just for sex mind you.)

    • See, I don't agree with the notion of trying too hard. You can NEVER try too hard on anything.

    • But you can come off as desperate and needy which what makes women turned away and creeped out.

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  • Takada
    I get mixed messages. Overly confident guys tell me that guys who do not approach you, don't want to talk to you. Shy guys tell me that guys who don't approach you, are too insecure or shy to approach you. Both of these guys tell it only from their own perspective. The problem is, I don't know what kind of guy I'm dealing with either. Depending on what type he is, he may or may not be interested.
    • @Takada believe the shy guys, the overly confident guys don't know what they are talking about.

    • Bards

      Makes sense

    • tyber1

      Why would confident guys encourage you to ask out shy men? It would reduce their advantage in dating/sex because they're the ones doing the most approaching.

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  • LittleSally
    Hahahaha Awwwww, well you know what, all these thoughts, although a bit altered, are in our minds as well in the same situations. Don't fret, I would go for it anyways.
    Nothing to gain by doing nothing, everything to gain by trying. ;)

    by the way., a funny take on one of your thoughts while you're talking to her might be just what you both need to relieve the tension of a first conversation. She might even join you with one of her silly thoughts. =)

    P. S. Very helpful.
  • Chick180
    God. You make it sound like women are evil. We're fucking human like you.
    • Consultant

      Thank you, for some reason when I say this out gets down voted, it has to come from a girl I guess

    • How so?

    • Chick180

      @consultant - The truth always gets downvoted.

      Wtf? How so what? Abd what's the worst that can happen? She'll be a total bitch? Big fucking deal. Screw her and move on.

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  • RationalLioness
    Then a lot of guys shouldn't complain about getting women or shouldn't simply settle into this negative thought process and think that women should approach them because they're too afraid to do it themselves.

    But I understand that.
    • You seem as if this is a conscious decision to think these thoughts. It isn't. 90% of the time it's habit, and 90% of the time people can't catch themselves thinking these thoughts or understand the impact it has on their lives.

    • I used to be the SAME exact way when I was insecure. If people stopped as SOON as they recognize these thoughts as I did, they can change and have better results. I'm not speaking out of ignorance.

  • Tokana
    What the hell did I just read? Geez grow a pair and say hi, takes hints to whether or not you're welcomed. If not buzz off, if so continue. It's that simple.

    Is that you OP

    • dwiller943

      Yes!! Thank you!! It's not that hard to read the difference between a woman who is interested and a woman who is not.

  • Keenisha
    I thought this was gonna be a bashing on women, but I was wrong.

    And aww I didn't know guys waited for girls to come over to them, I'm always waiting for them to talk to me
  • Aleera
    I think this can't be true... I mean of course anxiety plays its part but if a guy REALLY likes the girl, he will find the courage and say even a simple hi...
    • Only in a fantasy perfect world. But often fear comes on top of a guys attraction level. Hell, sometimes his own attraction towards a girl FUELS his fear.

    • Aleera

      Come on!! I seriously don't believe it... Noone can be that much of a coward

    • Rocky96

      Hi Aleera, seeing you after many days, how you there?

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  • RandomR
    So this is funny to me because I was hanging out with a guy once and he literally said like all of those things to me when he was trying to get the courage to approach this girl he was interested in. It literally took him 30-45 minutes to go and talk to her! Lol
  • Mariahhh_xo
    No lie some of those quotes run through my mind most of the time I try to approach a guy and I'm a girl.
  • Himegari
    This is basically me, when I try to approach a guy. Those are exactly my thoughts.
  • Accipiter
    Nice take. I would add one thing to your list which is the biggest fear that guys have is: "I don't wanna come off as creepy."

    Even though these negative thoughts guys have are true deterrents of approaching women. Women themselves can also be part of the reason why no guys are approaching them, like she never looks happy, she has closed body language, she always wears head phones, she makes herself difficult to talk to. etc
  • SilenRose
    Next time I go out I'll test the water and approach a cute guy. Lol
  • 1GuyOpinion
    Well, I mean... women will be the same way. They will think of a million reason thing that could go wrong so they don't approach guy. So who should just make the first move? I still think it up to the guy to SUCK IT UP and do it. It natural and expected.
    • Prof_Don

      I agree pursue what u want!

    • dwiller943

      I agree. But I also agree that whoever is interested (man or woman) should make a move.

  • clara5
    I am aware that this is what happens to guys. And it's the exact same thing for girls, but for us it's even harder since a girl approaching or asking a guy out is way more likely to be qualified as "desperate" as if it was the other way around.
    • Not necessarily. In fact, guys don't really think that way from what I noticed.

  • WesTheGuru
    Pretty much if a woman complains about this, ask her why she won't make the first move.

    After every reason she gives, add to the end of it "If he doesn't like you, it could be considered harassment, and all of his friends will hear about how you disrespected him by approaching him when he wasn't interested."

    That will make them understand.
  • Lightspeed-Lemon
    If a girl had to approach, she'd feel all these things too. But somehow they think it's easy for guys.

    Also, in today's world, there's a blurry line between hitting on someone and harassment. It's like if the guy is hot and she likes him, it's flirting. If not, it's harassment. I don't want to bother or annoy others, much less commit harassment. So cold-approaching a stranger is totally out of the question.
  • Watermelonoma
    well it doesn't help when you've got some feminists today making guys feel ashamed to even look at girls in any way that suggests you actually might be physically attracted to her =/
    • Feminists are ruining so much for us! :/

    • @BelleGirl21

      when you add up the normal pressures that exist + the artificial ones added by some feminists... you have a situation where basically guys are incredibly afraid of approaching today in 2015. It's just not worth the potential bruising for most guys.

    • I think that's a big reason that online relationships are on the rise. You can "approach" someone more carefully.

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  • Misterable
    A lady liked me - I could tell, and I liked her and I wanted to stand up and talk to her and tell her but I got a huge erection and I was really embarassed because it was in public. So I didn't stand up. So she just thought I didn't like her and I never saw her again.
    • pavlove

      *slow clap*

    • Nik1hil

      Stand with an Erection finding an excuse and once she notices youf Erection, sit down again and you will not t need a single word, she will know how much you like her.

    • Prof_Don

      This is exactly why every female opportunity must be pounced upon. You may never see that woman ever again!

  • meatballs21
    *slow clap*

    YES. This answers so many of the questions girls have, like why he won't approach me, why would he stare at me (and then look away), etc etc etc. All this shit races through our heads and when confronted with a cute girl we go to pieces because we know what's at risk.
  • kitty71
    That is in these modern times us women we can approach the guy instead of waiting eternity for them to do it so. we have to take a step up and do it ourselves
  • MysteriousFlower
    Wow, talk about over-thinking!. I'll definitely keep this in mind, insightful take :)
    • It's difficult to let it all go and learn to just simply be self-amusing, especially living in a culture that promotes being judgmental towards others and shunning out-of-the-box ideas.

    • Octavion

      Sometimes people just have too much anxiety to want their life to change at all. When I was 16 in high school there was this girl that I was incredibly attracted to and I knew for a fact she was super attracted to me as well and would have said yes immediately if I asked her out. I was still too scared to ever do it.

    • @Octavion
      Yeah, me too, dude. I had that exact problem.

  • RBD12
    Some of u men are so dramatic... y'all should be girls 😜. Just observe her and make a move... just be respectful.
    • If you think it's so easy why don't you go approach guys and escalate the conversation?

    • JustinX9

      I know right... Easier said than done

  • meowcow
    For the girls...

    If you want a guy to approach you, all it takes is making eye contact, keeping it, and smiling.

    Given the millions of rejection scenarios that float through a guy's brain, this simple gesture will let us know it is safe to approach you. If you look away - as most girls will do - you're giving the message to fuck off.
    • Not for us uber shy guys

    • meowcow


      Fortunately, there will always be a guy with the balls to make a move. For uber shy guys, that is their own problem to figure out. I doubt even the most obvious signs would make a shy guy do anything except freeze in his tracks.

  • aficionado
    Couldn't agree more. Those EXACT things go through my mind often, abd quite frankly I'm REALLY intimidated by women because I feel I feel I'm good enough for them and they'll reject/friendzone me anyway.
    • aficionado

      *I'm not good enough

    • gshowers

      You are always good enough. If you approach a girl and start talking and she has no interest she isn't for you. It doesn't mean you aren't good enough. I've noticed over the years that men are becoming more frightened of approaching women due to this reason, women have extremely high standards these days thanks to all The movie stars and so on. Maybe start by casually chatting to a girl in line at the super market etc.

  • xHoneyxBeex
    This was really helpful and insightful. Good take :)
  • E_mily
    This is actually something I relate too 100%, but with men. I hope men realize we are often just as nervous.
    • you dont approach men , men approach you so its irrelevant

    • dartmaul15

      well, with full respect, it seems men are the more ballsy, because at least they SOMETIMES approach you. Sorry, but any argument to why you don't dare to aks him out can be turned the other way too.

    • E_mily

      @HowRUbBuddy how do you know I don't approach men? Or are you just assuming all women don't approach men

      @dartmaul15 very true, I was just stating that women who do have the balls to approach men often go through the same thing.

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  • Hannah591
    I think of some of these when I want to approach someone and I end up not saying anything. I totally understand guys so I don't expect it!
  • MosaicMind
    Well done, a lot of girls need to understand that guys are just as worrisome as they are.

    Though I think the same things whenever I want to approach a guy. Everytime. 😪
  • ManuelMarquez
    Dude, many women don't understand at how many guys don't approach because they know how many women react to ugly guys.
    • Ding ding ding we have a winner.

    • @Touglyforfemales yeah man

    • HA HA HA thanks man

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  • MrLi0n
    I don't know about all that but I hVe seen some of the most beautiful women at the gym and I'm afraid to approach because... Well because I know their at the gym to work out not be bothered... But they I've seen my friends do it and succeed... I won't do it though.. I just get my work out in and stay in my own thoughts of dinner, kissing, sweet words, etc... 😌 👍🏽 lol just kiddin
  • YourFutureEx
    So girls, now you know that men = women.

    Take owner defined his name once again.
  • GlassHeart
    I guess guys do have it harder girls can be pretty cruel
    • Octavion

      I don't think either gender has it worse. It's all an individual basis. Some guys love asking women out and like the challenge of it. Some guys would hate to have girls ask them out. Some girls wish they could ask a guy out but feel they aren't supposed to (which is rubbish). Some guys wish they were the ones being approached. It all depends on your personality and the gender you happen to belong to with that specific personality.

    • Bards

      @Octavion YESSSS.

    • FatherJack

      sadly , yes , a lot of girls get a kick out of being cruel , see my comment above.

  • myopenfamily
    Because of feminism.
    Feminism killed our gender role now guys telling girls have to approach.
    Feminist sucks
    • PT1911

      I'm taking you out to dinner

    • Thanks @PT1911

    • I despise feminism, but I don't believe in gender roles. Having a penis or vagina shouldn't limit one to a certain set of standards.

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  • bananatossing
    This is accurate for the most part and I have told myself MANY of these things. Of course, this does not apply to girls you already know who you happen to develop a romantic interest in them but only with complete strangers who you see on occasion but have no idea how to approach them. Kudos for making this comprehensive list! I'm sure some girls will find this ridiculous but if they were in our shoes it would make complete sense.
  • Maverickj
    In my opinion, girls shouldn't wait to be approached, anyway. They should simply start taking the initiative themselves, if they are so bothered by no one paying attention to them.
    • jacquesvol

      If girl does it the way you write, she'll often be tagged 'slut' by all idiots of both genders.

    • Kirah

      @jacquesvol I find that to be untrue. No one thinks that. Only other girls do, because those girls hate it when they lose their advantage.

    • jacquesvol

      I've seen, read and heard too often guys doing just that. Look around here at the slut shaming by guys, the derogatory language about non virgin girls some guys write here. (But you're right, saying that girls do it too)

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  • Silamy
    My attitude tends to be "well, I want something to happen, and SOMEONE has to make the first move". I don't understand why lack of confidence -in oneself, in one's ability to interpret signals, in the other person's availability is assumed to be the exclusive property of one gender. If you want something to happen, speak up, because no one can count on anyone else to make the first move for them.
  • justbanANNAz
    this is a good take. thanks for letting us access ur minds, but my only question is...
    what if you're wrong?
    • There is not ifs, ands, or buts about what he said because that is pretty much what I too think before approaching or considering to approach a girl.

    • Phoenix98

      Actually he is right because it's what goes through my mind to.

    • -.- that's not what i mean y'all. @spaceshuttle @Phoenix98
      i mean, what if ur overthinking it, and what if the matter isn't as complex as u make it out to be?

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  • kangy
    Are guys in real life really thinking about the above?
    • I tend to do it quite a lot, which is why I made the take. Seems like a lot of guys that commented here do too.

    • kangy

      I always wonder whether it is because of my resting bitch face that stop them from approaching me :D

    • That could be part of it too.. >.>

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  • Shaft50
    There are a lot of 'what if's' there... I found that doing away with all of the hypotheticals, as I too used to go through some of that thought process, I found that I became a bit more socially adept. After approaching a few girls, with no other motive than just to talk to them, my anxiety slowly decreased. I found that all of the what if questions became less important and what was important was that I was interacting and really enjoying it. Just my experience :-)
  • Analinda1999
    same for women but the some use the excuse the guy wot like her approaching bc she's a girl which is ridiculous bc obviously not all guys, and why would you want that kind of guy that only likes you if you're a puppet.
  • Consultant
    If all that worry is running through your mind is safe to say that is a solid case of social anxiety, go talk to a psychiatrist and get on something
    • I've been improving myself on it actually. 6 months ago I would never have been seen at bars. But now I feel more and more natural each time I do go out. Hell I went out to sell cars for a couple months for the sake of getting over this anxiety. I still have it, but it's MUCH better than it was a while ago.

      It's just those who don't catch themselves thinking these thoughts who need the most help. It becomes a habit, and if you don't recognize the habit then it stunts your growth harshly.

    • Amplify

      If none of that is running through your mind it's safe to say that you are a psychopath. Go talk to a psychiatrist.

    • Consultant

      Emotion is hard to convey online. I truly mean that in a helpful tone. My brother got on Zoloft, one of those SSRIs, and it's really helped him out with social anxiety.

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