Why you (women) don't get approached or asked out

[Words_and_Wisdom]

I've been seeing this a lot on GaG and it's been irking me. A lot of women don't understand the pessimistic mentality a lot of guys tend to have, and thought I'd help share what's going on. This take is pretty much my personal experience on why I wasn't able to approach that cute girl at the bar or at the gym.

And ladies, it's not about your looks. It's about the guy. For some reason girls just don't understand that it takes a lot of mental effort for most guys to approach someone they have never met and flirt with her. So much junk runs through our heads, either distracted by things going on around us, or running scenarious of literally everything that can go wrong if we just said 'hello' to you.

I'm going to provide a list of mental quotes from said guy, using myself as an example.

"She has a boyfriend. She's too beautiful not to have one."
"One of those guys she's with is dating her already."
"She has a ring...oh she's definitely taken."
"She'll think I'm an idiot."
"What if I say something stupid?"
"What would happen if her boyfriend shows up?"
"I'm not ready."
"What if she things I'm ugly?"
"What if she thinks I'm a player?"
"What if she thinks I just want sex?"
"We won't have any interest."
"She's looks busy. I don't want to bother her."
"She's already having fun, I feel I'll make it awkward for her."
"I'll wait another minute."
"I'll wait for 2 more minutes."
"I'll see what happens in 5 minutes."
"I would like to talk to her, but I'm in the middle of something (even if I'm not.)"
"My workout is more important (even if I can spend 5 minutes of my time to talk to her.)"
"This is dumb, I don't need her (even if I really want to be with her.)"
"She's not my type (even though she totally is.)"

"I'm too young for her."
"She wouldn't go for short guys"

And how here's what goes through a guys mind when you're actively talking / flirting with him, or if he thinks he sees you checking him out.

"Is she looking at me? No, must be another guy."
"Maybe she'll come over here."
"God my smile looks dumb."
"Shit she saw me looking at her, turn away!"

"Is she flirting with me? I think that's just how she is with everyone."

"No, she couldn't mean that."
"I'm just imagining things."

"Nothing like this happens to me, why should I expect things to be different?"

"Is she trying to cheat on someone?"

"I hope her boyfriend doesn't get mad"
"What if she has to go with her friends?"
"What if her friends think I'm a creep?"
"I think I'm boring her."
"I feel too stressed to be amusing to her."
"This conversation has turned dead...I don't know what to say next."

So next time you say "Why doesn't he approach me?" just consider these quotes and you'll understand why and know what to anticipate. Knowing that any of these going through a guy's mind will help you become more comfortable with yourself, as well as even encourage you to be the one to approach a guy.

[gbpackers]

Yes this makes sense, but sometimes women need to take a step back and realize that they're coming off as unapproachable. It's all in the body language, the energy you give off etc. Loosen up, and don't be so fixated on getting a guys attention and smile more... I guarantee thats when a guy will approach you, when you're just happy and confident !!

[Starry_Night93]

Listen to what this lady said girls.

[FatherJack]

Absolutely spot on !! Most women wear a scowl & come across as " Don't you DARE even look in my direction " , also see my comment above about brutal bitches. Too much social media / lack of real person social skills & the demonizing of men in the " media " also are factors. Well said !!

[aniemist]

I think either gender can have these thoughts, and on both sides there are those that can get past this or have great confidence as well, but the fear of rejection or of making a fool of oneself is a powerful deterrent indeed.

[friendlymbflirty]

This is really helpful and totally what I figured was going on, not that I don't get asked out but I think that's just because I'm such an approachable person (now I just soun conceited).

As far as everyone talking about girls asking guys out well, yeah I don't do that. I grew up around all guy cousins and they told me that if a girl asks a guy out then she's either desperate or has been around. What I do do if I like a guy but he's not approaching me is; if I'm with a friend we move closer toward where he is and talk about something he and I have in common (I am pretty good at reading people and being able to tell what they're into) or as my girlfriends tend to like to do is talk about a party that I probably won't go to so what am I gonna do this weekend with everyone at the party but me. If I'm with guy friends though I run in the opposite direction of the person because my guy friends tend to like to go up to the guy and basically drag him over there to ask me out, they are a strange bunch. If I'm alone then I usually go and strike up a casual conversation and wait to see if he asks me out. I try to keep it light, funny, and focused on his interests or on embarrassing stories of my family and friends (of which I have plenty).

The last one is an idea I got from my cousin, he said it keeps a guy at ease to know that he doesn't have to come up with all the talking or entertaining. He also said it makes you memorable in a feel good way especially if you get him laughing.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

The funny thing is it seems society is starting to make men seem like the 'desperate' ones if they go approach and try to flirt and converse with women they meet. Being called "thirsty" or "needy." I've experienced this a little bit.

So you just need to know that you shouldn't be made to feel desperate if you approach a guy. It's unfair for anyone to feel that.

[Anonymous]

I get people checking me out; girls that say I'm really pretty, guys who are shocked when I say I don't have a boyfriend, etc..
I got told once I shouldn't be working at this store because I am so beautiful and it's a shame.
However I do not get approached often..
One time I had a bunch of girls approach me to tell me their guy friend likes me and if he could get my number; i asked where is he? and they said he ran away... -.-
I am Asian but have been told I look eurasian; basically big eyes, chubby cheeks, pouty lips.
My sisters are way taller than me and they have figures of a model, they look more exotic though. Although I get told that I am way more pretty than my sisters, they get approached ALL the time.
Maybe I have put on a resting bitch face that drives men away I don't know hahahaha
but i was out with my boyfriend once and we passed a whole group of men, and he said :"they are all staring at you..". ( i wasn't dressed provocatively at all)
p. s I had to approach my boyfriend FIRST, before we started to get to know each other on a deeper level.

So I want to know how come some girls get more approached than others?

[Words_and_Wisdom]

Just a case on making yourself look approachable I guess.

I myself feel more inclined to approach a woman who's by herself not doing anything. If she's listening to music or looking at her phone I feel like I'm interrupting her and being intrusive. If she's with friends I feel more pressured to make a good impression.

[JustinX9]

Maybe guys are just intimidated to you

[erokami]

I've never understood it when people say girls and guys think really differently. If you look at it more closely, what we think are extremely similar... "I think that's just how she is with everyone." "Nothing like this happens to me, why should I expect things to be different?" "What if she thinks I'm ugly?" and I also think "I'm not that smart in academics, why would he like me?" These few are what I've been thinking lately and my "crush" randomly says some rather 'intimate' things but I'd think it's normal since he has this 4D personality so it's even more frustrating xD

[soberpiper]

Nothing ventured nothing gained. Be polite, a gentleman and non threatening I your approach. Sometimes she'll want to talk and other times it will be become apparent very quickly that she doesn't. If the latter is true, then smile and politely say " maybe I'll see you later," and excuse yourself from the scene. Nothing to be ashamed of. Attractive girls get approached all the time, so the likelyhood she'll remember "one" guy saying hello to her is remote to say the least. Also, don't use cheesy pick up lines.. Guys used these back in te 70s to pick up women and they probably only worked about 10% of the time. Keep the conversation real and mellow. Always make eye contact and sound sure of yourself but arrogant

[SakuraChii]

With this guys should understand that women can be like this and won't be perfect with approaching aswell, humans make mistakes. Im saying this because I've recently seen multiple guys stating that they don't want women approaching them because it makes them manly or a easy prey. If that's the case and a lot of guys overthink approaching women anyway then nothing is going to happen. Approaching shouldn't be geneder based, if no guys are approaching you then stop wining about it and go aproach a guy you fancy. Unless you prefer to be approached of course but good luck if your not even showing any hints.

[BelleGirl21]

I liked this take. I'm not a guy but I can definitely understand how you'd have those feelings.
Just note that most (not all) girls are just fine with a friendly hello and conversation. Just know that someone willing and happy to talk to you doesn't translate into a date, but still we're not going to eat you alive... if that helps. Good luck out there!

[Words_and_Wisdom]

There are a lot of circumstances (for me at least) that prevent me from wanting to talk to a woman. If she's with a group of people, if she's working out at the gym, if she looks busy, etc. That's perhaps my biggest problem personally right now when it comes to wanting to approach a woman.

[BelleGirl21]

That's totally normal. The same things run through girls heads!

[ManuelMarquez]

@BelleGirl21 that is incorrect. Most women in their late twenties and older are ok with having friendly convos with guys in general regardless how they look like but not most females in their teens and early twenties. Most not all females in this age range don't like having friendly convos with a nerdy or geeky looking guys even though he is talking about interesting things.

[BelleGirl21]

@manuelmarquez who the heck says I'm speaking for teenage girls and girls in their early twenties? I'mspeaking for myself and it's true. And fyi I wouldn't have minded when I was younger either.

[ManuelMarquez]

@BelleGirl21 you said'most (not all) girls are just fine with a friendly hello and convo. Right there you make it clear you are talking about most females. But if you are just talking about yourself you should have just said ''I''. And that is good you wouldn't have minded having a friendly convo with a nerdy or geeky looking guy when you were younger, you were different then from most other females in your age range back then.

[ManuelMarquez]

@BelleGirl21 it sucks most females in my age range and younger weren't like you when you were younger. There are only some around my age that are like that.

[BelleGirl21]

@manuelmarquez maybe I'm completely out of it but I do think a lot of girls would be fine with it. If not that's really sad for them because they're missing out on good relationships.

[ManuelMarquez]

@BelleGirl21 You are completely out of it (no offense). Unfortuanately MOST females in their teens and early twenties don't want to have friendly convos with geeky or nerdy looking guys even though if these guys are talking about something interesting.

[BelleGirl21]

@manuelmarquez u don't think he's only talking about geeky nerdy guys. He's talking about guys ib general.

[ManuelMarquez]

@BelleGirl21 I know this guy is talking about guys in general, but I am just letting you know that most females in their teens and early twenties are not ok with having friendly convos with guys in general since most don't want to have friendly convos with geeky or nerdy looking guys.

[ManuelMarquez]

@BelleGirl21 regardless what he talked about in his post, I am responding to YOUR POST here. I am just saying MOST young women don't want to have friendly convos with nerdy or geeky looking guys.

[ManuelMarquez]

@BelleGirl21 I guess the truth hurts you too much lol.

[BelleGirl21]

@manuelmarquez no, I still believe what I said but I see no reason to continue to talk to you about it.

[ManuelMarquez]

@BelleGirl21 so you are saying I am lying and a bunch of other nerdy looking guys I know are lying too. I wear glasses all the time and what I told you has happened to me with most women around my age and younger. Same thing with most of the nerdy looking guys around my age. We talk about the same stuff other guys talk and women make rude comments behind our backs""I am tired of the nerdy looking guy talking to me'' Even one guy that I know that is not nerdy looking at all, even though he hasn't experienced it himself since he is not nerdy looking he hasn't seen it happen in front of this face with women treating nerdy looking guys like that. They like seem annoyed that they guy is even being friendly with them. Most of the women that are nice to the nerdy looking guys are the nerdy, geeky, or shy women. Nothing is wrong with those women but they aren't most women around my age. Once again just because you or your friends were nice to these guys when you were younger, doesn't mean most chicks are

[FatherJack]

Good take , just wish to add & I've posted this before , girls can be downright BRUTAL with guys , have seen this so many times when worked as door staff a few years back , a lot of " girls " made a game of being as nasty as possible to any approaching guys.. then heaped further humiliation on them. Ladies.. this will NEVER happen if you decide to approach a guy , he will be flattered as this is so rare. So the guys that do not approach have probably encountered these bitches... that give ALL girls a bad name.

[Octavion]

Several people have told me if you see someone and find them attractive you have to approach them that moment. Every single second you don't your chances of pussying out increase by 20% because you're gonna use your brain if you give it time to think which fucks you.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

Exactly. It takes at least 3 seconds to approach them before your mind decides to start thinking bad thoughts.

[jdbaird]

When I was younger and actually tried approaching women, I was rejected on the spot 99 out of 100 times, and that one left over would go on a few dates with me (getting a couple free dinners out of it) then reject me. The thing is, some guys like myself need to just realize that they have nothing of any value to offer a woman and quit trying, you're just going to make yourself unhappy and it will affect relationships with people who actually care about you like your family. I can't count the number of times I've lashed out at my mother over the phone because I'm angry at myself for being a worthless loser who can't meet a woman, that's not good, eventually even your family will give up on you, then you'll have no one.

[ManuelMarquez]

@jdbaird did your family give up on you?

[SilenRose]

How about you get a wing man?

[jdbaird]

Yeah pretty much... My family just laughs at me and acts like I'm overreacting when I'm honest, so I just pretend that everything is going great. That's what people want to hear, no one wants to be exposed to reality... And as for a "wing man", I'm not sure what good that would do. Usually when I go out with friends they meet women and I'm alone at the end of the night, making me feel worse than I did to begin with.

[Arthurred]

That's sad I hope you find someone. .. every good guy deserves to be happy

[Touglyforfemales]

Its a double standard, a woman or girl can go years without a date or never dating everyone acts, like its no big deal. But when it comes to guys their usually called losers, homos, pathetic etc. I've been all called all three.

[PassiveAggressive]

That's interesting, thanks. It really does seem like if you've got the confidence anyway, that it would be much easier for girls to approach guys. In response to this, we're always taught that we've got to play hard to get and it seems desperate if we pursue the guy, like we're not attractive enough to be approached.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

Funny because I sometimes feel too desperate to approach girls, especially online when others would call me "thirsty" for the slightest flirtatious remark.

[Takada]

I get mixed messages. Overly confident guys tell me that guys who do not approach you, don't want to talk to you. Shy guys tell me that guys who don't approach you, are too insecure or shy to approach you. Both of these guys tell it only from their own perspective. The problem is, I don't know what kind of guy I'm dealing with either. Depending on what type he is, he may or may not be interested.

[ManuelMarquez]

@Takada believe the shy guys, the overly confident guys don't know what they are talking about.

[Bards]

Makes sense

[tyber1]

Why would confident guys encourage you to ask out shy men? It would reduce their advantage in dating/sex because they're the ones doing the most approaching.

[Bards]

@tyber1 its just one girl, they aren't on public televison saying this and the ones telling her that aren't into her romantically. A guy will help you understand guys, esspecially when they aren't crushing on you. And those could be her friends.

[muspelhem_5]

Great take. I would like to add:

"What if she feels creeped out by me?"

"What if she rejects me very publicly and embarrasingly?"

These thoughts are not necessarily rational or likely to come true, but I know I have had them a lot.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

Ohh definitely! Can't believe the public one slipped my mind.

[muspelhem_5]

Well that is a good sign :) Since those thoughts mostly hold people back...

[squatqueen]

HAHAHA... I think the same thing about guys... "He has a girlfriend... he is too good looking (sexy) to be single.."

[Words_and_Wisdom]

Could've only assumed. Though I myself couldn't dare reject a woman who calls herself the "Squat Queen" xD

[squatqueen]

haha, love my squats!!

[HumbleTeddy]

@squatqueen How would you figure out if he did have a girlfriend?

[squatqueen]

The only way you really can is to approach... but it is a thought that crosses my head when approaching.

[LittleSally]

Hahahaha Awwwww, well you know what, all these thoughts, although a bit altered, are in our minds as well in the same situations. Don't fret, I would go for it anyways.
Nothing to gain by doing nothing, everything to gain by trying. ;)

by the way., a funny take on one of your thoughts while you're talking to her might be just what you both need to relieve the tension of a first conversation. She might even join you with one of her silly thoughts. =)

P. S. Very helpful.

[Ped1981]

I used to think. Would it kill a girl to walk over to a guy for once and have a chat. Or when you do talk to one they just stare at you and expect you to entertain them all night. You've no idea where you stand most of the time.

[glitter_unicorns24]

I've thought for my whole life that guys think girls who hit on them are desperate. I don't know about everyone, but that's what some of us have always felt.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

@glitter_unicorns24 Now more guys are starting to feel they're desperate now for hitting on women. Being called "Thirsty" or sometimes a "player" falsely.

[Ped1981]

It's nuts to think that. We're all in the same boat here. Guys have got needs and so have women. Why be coy about it? I'd love to get approached by a woman for once. It's a thrill when it happens. A beautiful woman strolling up smiling and wanting to chat you up. It's a dream though. It'll never happen

[glitter_unicorns24]

Well thanks for calling me nuts. But anyways, out of all the girls I've known & talked bout this stuff with have said they could never ask a guy out first. Not sure why it's that way, but it pretty much is. Like girls proposing to guys? Why does that seem wrong? don't know it just does.

[glitter_unicorns24]

@ped1981 some guys hit on girls in gross ways. But as long as they're being sweet, then I don't see the girls' problem. The only time a guy hitting on me bothers me is when they say things like "Mmm! I wanna like you up & don't you sexy piece of white meat." That actually happened to me & I just got a grossed out look on my face & walked away then laughed about it.

[glitter_unicorns24]

*lick

[Words_and_Wisdom]

@glitter_unicorns24 Honestly if a girl said that to me I'd laugh my ass off in utter amusement. I'd enjoy it personally.

[glitter_unicorns24]

Yeah but girls who have been raped can get creeped out about stuff like that.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

Rape isn't really as common as feminists want you to think...

[Keenisha]

I thought this was gonna be a bashing on women, but I was wrong.

And aww I didn't know guys waited for girls to come over to them, I'm always waiting for them to talk to me

[RandomR]

So this is funny to me because I was hanging out with a guy once and he literally said like all of those things to me when he was trying to get the courage to approach this girl he was interested in. It literally took him 30-45 minutes to go and talk to her! Lol

[Rufus335]

i dont approach all to often. i get nervous too but i definitely make an approach more than most men. girls tell me all the time that they never get approached and i think i approach like once a week or so. im not always gonna ask her out but sometimes i want to test the water real quick and start up a 30 second convo see where it goes.

girls, for me, i need atleaast a two or three second stare and smile. if there's no smile i think you're creepy, if its less than two seconds I don't know maybe your just being nice but when its two seconds i just know you're open to a conversation at the least.

[Anonymous]

But what if you're also nervous about approaching guys because these exact thoughts are running through *your* head? Like right now I'm really into this one guy but I'm terrified to make a move because I've been hurt before by guys I really cared about and I guess I think that he isn't interested in me because no guy ever has been.

[SakuraChii]

I've been in your situation. I think it's easier when you have eyecontact with the guy and maybe smile or show subtle hints that your intrested before diving in, that way he would at least know that your intrested in him somehow. Just because other guys have rejected you doesn't mean he will. All guys are different and everyone gets rejected at one point.

[Opinion Owner]

I know, I know. It's just hard for me to believe that he would say yes when it's never happened before. It's that whole "nothing like this happens to me, why should I expect things to be different?" mentality near the bottom of the Take. He used to regularly strike up conversation with me, but lately we haven't talked. I'm know it's possible he's been busy and has had his mind on other things, but I can't help but worry that I did/said something wrong and he not only isn't interested, but doesn't even want to be friends. I feel like I sometimes tend to come on too strong --I get all giggly and red in the face, and sometimes I tend to act goofy to get the attention from guys I like, so I feel like that was a turn-off if he ever liked me in the first place. I know I probably sound crazy and/or paranoid, but...

[Accipiter]

Nice take. I would add one thing to your list which is the biggest fear that guys have is: "I don't wanna come off as creepy."

Even though these negative thoughts guys have are true deterrents of approaching women. Women themselves can also be part of the reason why no guys are approaching them, like she never looks happy, she has closed body language, she always wears head phones, she makes herself difficult to talk to. etc