Avoiding Me After Sex? Was I used?

So I have had this friend for 10 years... and after some turbulence the last year...and a change in circumstance we both decided to pursue something non-platonic. We both admitted having feelings for one another... and we went out on our first date last week.

It was amazing! He and I had a really great time reconnecting and bonding. We went out for the day and later he cooked me dinner. It was really sweet and special. Thereafter, I spent the night. We had really passionate sex. He held my hand the entire time. We would fall asleep in each other's arms... wake up and have sex again. Truly great.

In the morning I kinda freaked out being overwhelmed emotion and I tried to leave. He begged me to join him back in bed so he could hold me. And he did for two hours... just laying there rubbing my back and holding my hand. Finally, I looked up at him and he made love to me. Which was very emotional for both of us. After we climaxed he just held me. It truly was the greatest time I have spent with someone.

That being said... afterwards he cooked me breakfast... and drove me to the train station (I live 3 hours away). That evening we texted each other - saying we had a great time and that yes we shall catch up again soon. So I was optomistic!

We have emailed a few times since (3 times I think this week)... and I offered to stop by to see him next week or the week after as I consistently go to his city for work. Both times he said keep me posted on your plans... but I may not be in town. I will let you know. WTF!?!

He has been a close friend for a decade... and I guess I am kinda destroyed by his lack of enthusiasm about us seeing each other again. He made love to me, he held me... and he assured me we would see each other again. Is he avoiding me? Should I just assume that he doesn't want this now? Was I used?

I should also say that his emails have gone back to their platonic banter. Hey did you read the news today? I am going out with a buddy to party the w/e you want to visit... etc. But, hey plans change so I'll let you know. *sigh
I tried to leave several times that night because I was scared he'd do this. I tried to keep my distance emotionally... but he kept insisting on breaking down those walls of intimacy. God I am stupid.
Alright the verdict is in! My friend and I talked -- and I am relieved to say that his distance was only a result of the fact that he wanted to claw things back. Thank god! He wanted me to know that "we were seeing each other" not "dating" as of yet.
dating as in exclusive. Which I am relieved because I needed more time to come to terms with the feelings and to trust him. I am new at dating since my divorce so he was just trying to guide me politely without being rude. He is cool with no more sex
He wants to slow things down - no more sex- so that we can build something out of our friendship at a more natural pace. It was too intense for me too -- so I am happy that he wants to try and see where it goes.
and actually go on dates and build up the chemistry at a normative pace. As opposed to being put in the whole FWB category. That is why he confirmed that yes we would "see" each other again in his text... and that he is non-commital too far in advance
Geesh! I have been outta the loop for far too long! Anyways... he hasn't disappeared nor did he use me for sex. He wants to build something... just not at a lightning pace - and to develop at a pace I am comfortable with.
As he knows that I recently broke up with a guy because things were moving too fast too quick... and so knowing that he doesn't want history repeating himself. Thank god we are friends... and that he cares enough for me to clarify without having to ask.
Apparently all the passion and emotional love making was genuine and 10 years in the making. And the cuddling was to reinforce that he cared for me... that it was meaningful and not a 1 nite stand or FWB thing and wants to see me
I guess it's all about setting boundaries. See I am on a mission not to be needy or clingy ... and to just go with the flow.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I believe he likes you very much. It may not seem that way but I think he does. You are a girl he has known for 10 years, AND you had amazing passionate sex. I am sure he has now gone into a panic mode because he is feeling what you are feeling, and he is scared. The only way to repress what he is feeling is by acting normal, and communicating like you always have. He can't see you right away because its too much to handle for him. He's use to this relationship that you have had over 10 years, and if you see each other and continue to sleep with each other it could ruin things. He is actaully doing you a favor by saying no, because he's holding the friendship together. I think both of you need some time to sort out your feelings for each other. You obviously are compatiable on emotional and physical levels. In the mean time, don't contact him. Let him reach out to you. Within the next few weeks you will get an idea of what he is feeling. He may back off for awhile if you disappear because he will think you are not interested in speaking to him anymore, but I am sure you will hear from him. I can def see something coming out of this, despite the way he is acting. This is just a typical man, having what he wants in the palm of his hand, and having no clue what to do with it! Just stay strong, you were not used, and do not feel stupid for what you have done.

    • Thank you so much for your kind and supportive answer! I do hope your right. He and I are very close and have been through much as of late. I think it was a lot to take in -- I know it was for me (and I'm a girl...lol). I have already decided to back off - after I have recently reassured him that things are cool and he won't ever lose me as a friend and I think he has done the same in return to me as you point out. There is something there... deeper than either of us apparently wanted to admit

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    • Exactly, he does want something he just doesn't know what he wants. This is the type of relationship that you get into for MARRIAGE, not just for a fling. He also just broke up with his girlfriend 4 months ago, sometimes, sleeping with someone so soon can make you even more confused about your feelings.You were VERY mature about everything, which is excellent, he will remember that. As long as you left it on good terms with him, I am SURE you will hear from him again when he is ready.

    • See I told ya!! Good Luck girl, I hope everything works out well =)

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 5

  • Oh dear, so many girls offer themselves up as a bit of no strings fun then expect more, I have said the same thing to those girls here who want more out of a friends with benefits type nonsense situation and I will say it to you now..

    It worked and felt amazing because he was happy with the arrangement you gave him, he could leave all his feelings at the door and just enjoy you for the time you are together, once you are out of sight you are out of mind.

    Sorry to break it to you but it seems this night of passion meant a lot more to you than it did him, he has now gone back to treating you as a friend and may or may not have another night of passion but by the sounds of things that's all he needs from you other than being a friend.

    If you want a real relationship then you will do best to avoid wasting time chasing him because if he liked you like want him to then he wouldn't avoid you.

    Girls, don't stop getting attached to these guys, you offer sex they take it, if they wanted more they wouldn't be so shallow as to go through with a 'just sex no strings attached' role with you in the first place.

    There's a difference to being used because you didn't know what the guy wanted so he took advantage and being forgotten about as anything more than just a lay as advertised.

    • I do hear what you are saying. But he knew going into our date that I was in love with him and he had admitted that to me as well... prior to any hanky panky. He insisted on the intimacy factor... and trust me when I say I was the one that checked my emotions at the door. He brought those into the mix... and insisted on me feeling something. Perhaps it was an FWB thing... but he has already told me he doesn't believe in those. He sees them as destructive and distractive. Otherwise I agree.

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    • Maybe he has something bugging him that doesn't really regard you, do you know if he is being strange with other people too?

      Try talking to him, see if he has something on his mind, he might just be a little stressed with work and doesn't feel he has time to socialize.

    • Well he just moved to a new city... and is setting up his home. Which I understand is a big deal. And bigger still... he just started his own company... which I know he is freaking out about on the inside. Yeah, you are right... lots going on... and I should just chill and take it slow.

  • Don't be so hard on yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. This was ten years in the making,and you thought you knew him based on that long friendship that you had. How on earth could you have known he might use you? Yes I do encourage girls to wait before having sex, and yet, you waited ten years. So I repeat, you did nothing wrong.

    First, we don't even know if he's really lost interest or if he really did use you. The only way to tell is if he initiates sex every time you see him and he doesn't talk about or avoids discussing the "where we stand" conversation. Only then will you know if he used you or not. So please don't think you did anything wrong, sometimes we just have bad luck. Learn what you can, and move on, if he has indeed used you.

  • the story sounds hot..i wish I can have that experience with some of my female friends which I have a crash on them ...

  • any news?

    • Yes! We spent this past weekend together. After laying out the cards on the table we talked about what our expectations were. He said he very much liked me... that he wanted to take things slow and that he sees us as "seeing each other". I also said no more cuddling unless he was prepared for us to matter - and he held me all nite. He also apologized for making me feel slighted when he was just REALLY busy with his move and new business. He was very chivalrous on our date and PDA crazy!

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    • In summation - all the mixed signals are cleared up; he sees us as having a future together; he wants to take things slow given our 10 year friendship and the fact I am recently divorced; he hasn't disappeared; he apologized for being evasive; he likes me; and he is prepared for me to develop feelings for him and vice versa; was beyond chivalrous with me - meeting me at his car with umbrella; holding doors open; paying all bills; putting on my coat; and he has texted me twice since yesterday.

    • Cheers... Glad to hear it... Seems to be a good guy...

      Good luck with everything ;)

  • Hey chill out girl...

    Not as easy for him either... leave him some time to handle the case, make up his mind.

    As you said you have been best friend for decades and obviously he would make love to you if he does respect you as a real friend... (Would never treat a friend as a slut)

    But now back to reality: He likes you very much but just don't know if he's up for a real relationship with you, as you said you were good friends... He just need to make a decision which is not easy... give him some time, reason why he keeps it blurry, don't push!

    Try to have as good time as when it happened, he just need to confirm what he rather have.

    • Thx for the advice. He is a very pragmatic guy -- and I know from being his friend for so long - that he does think a lot about these things before getting into a relationship. I don't know - I was overwhelmed by the intimacy we shared. So I should expect a wealthy commitment phobe to be freaking out too! :) I shall wait it out and not push. Polite banter... and let him take the next step.

    • Well... I think that's the right approach.

      Don't hesitate to express waht you just said:"I was overwhelmed by the intimacy we shared", and ideally give him both door open. I know it's not easy after sharing such experience as we usually have a tendency to show one option more than the other, but that will easy the outcome...

      Anyway... Good luck

    • By the way I'm the one asking for news... don't know why I am anonymous...

      Anyway great to hear that everything went well... and also glad to see the number of people approving my Answer.... good luck with all ;)

What Girls Said 10

  • That is good. Just be careful that you not put yourself in the position of having sex again until both of you are ready for a relationship. After having such a great time in so many ways, it can be very tempting and easy to end up back into bed and regretting it the next time you get together.

  • I think he used you. And might still. This guy that was a senior when I was a freshman and I were friends for a while but we ended up doing stuff and we continued and stuff kept happening. Then he supposedly got drunk and said some stuff and then later we talked and did it. But then we never talked after that...

    I might be wrong, but I think he used you.

    • How unfortunate for you! In my case - no I wasn't used. We have gone out on two dates since -- and will be spending the weekend together. He calls and emails me a few times a week -- just to say hi and to let me know he was thinking about me. So he hasn't disappeared - quite the contrary. I am a lucky girl indeed.

    • Oh.. .did I mention he propositioned me for "the talk". He was very clear that we are "dating" and that when he knows what he likes that is it for him ... hence exclusivity. He is thinking about a relationship.

  • You are not stupid so please do not put yourself down. You wanted a good friend to be something more. You thought you read his signals correctly and you gave yourself to him and from the sounds of it you both enjoyed pleasing each other.

    Now... the morning has come and you are clueless to what he expects right?

    He has gone back to friend mode, so follow his suit. You are just a friend, you are not available for physical hook ups, you are busy living your life and bettering yourself. If you find your thoughts wandering back to him, push them away and onto something positive. What is that thing you just keep putting off? Is it joining a club, learning a language, what?

    You learned a valuable lesson and it hurts trust me I know... Never give a precious gift to ANYONE until you find out their worth. He has no idea how precious and valuable you are, but you know your worth, so keep stepping and you will meet someone who see's and appreciates your value.

    Good Luck

    • Yes it hurts. So much. I tried to not let him in... and he insisted that I do. I was prepared for fun and he took it to a level of intimacy that I thought meant something. I am crushed. Yeah, I took it back to friend mode. I am actually going to cut off all contact. He knows I am in love with him... so he knows what his aversion is doing to me. I know he is scared of love... and he opened up to me about so much that night... I dunno. I guess I just need to let him go.

  • you may be emotionally attached to him now, but remeber guys aren't :( its just not in their bodys you just have to give him a little time. Him saying he's a little busy doesn't mean he doesn't want to see you again! just know that if he continues to keep blowing you off that's a red flag. Give it a little time and try to let HIM contact you first :) good luck!

    • Thx for the advice. Yeah, I am emotionally attached. I admit it. I tried to fight it when we were together... but he insisted on me "feeling" something. Every time we had sex I would move refuse to snuggle or spoon... at which point he would find me under the covers to hold me. This happened like 6 or 7 times. Eventually I tried to leave... and he begged me to stay. I know from the time we spent together that he has significant feelings and I assume he is freaked out.

    • He wanted you to be close to him and have feelings for him so you weren't used in any way hun

    • Guys can become emotionally attached too..

      But the biggest mistake that you did Question Asker.. Was to have sex too soon!!

      Having sex after the first date = no no. You do that to most guys, and they will think of you as easy and not date worthy.

      If you want to see where this goes still.. Don't give up on him just yet.

  • Hmn... He's probably just busy with plans in his life, but he sounds like he wants to spend time with you again. :P

    He cares... just has other things going on in his life at the moment. He said "I'll let you know"... meaning... he'll tell you when he's available again, but he's not right now. ^___^

    • Puhlease. You are a nut.

    • Ha ha.. .sorry about that... My boyfriend is always straightforward and honest with me...

      I think if he's interested, he'd say something like: "Keep in touch."

  • Well maybe you should just give your passionate love maker some space. Maybe he was so overwhelmed by you two having sex and he just wants to just cool down. I understand how you are feeling but, try to step in his shoes. Just be patient and wait he'll come back around trust me!

  • I would like to be in your shoes right now lol

  • :) Hows the relationship going.. just curious, I was in a similar situation, but I did not have your courage... I never made y feelings clear & well he is married lol

    Hope everything turned out well for the two of you... Wish I had been more proactive- I spent mot of the time trying to convince him & myself I had no feelings for him. :)

  • Though you have known each other for 10 years, the same rules apply to hooking up as if you just met him. You should never sleep together on the first date, or for many dates thereafter. This is the reason why, it gives both of you time to sort out how you feel about each other and it gives you time to see if the dating is consistent and the focus is there on his part or not.

    I have had, surprisingly, very passionate sex that seemed just like "making love" with someone who was a casual partner. It never turned into a relationship. It felt like it should have. To be fair, on his part I doubt he premeditated any of this. He went with the flow, he enjoyed it and he probably never thought about it as needing to lead to a long-term deal. You can actually have a very romantic evening with a guy, and passionate love-making, and have it turn into...nothing.

    I am sure afterward, when he had the time to sort out his feelings from his lust/passion, he found that he was not ready or could not consider having something more regular with you now.

  • Maybe he thought you were the one who was being distant when you tried to leave and now he is going back to platonic banter because he thinks that's all you want. I know you are really vulnerable right now but wait and see how he continues to act. Maybe he is busy but next time talk to him about how you feel so you can know what's going on.

    • Thx for the advice. Very helpful. Yeah, if I get a "next time" we shall chat about it. The truth is he knows I am in love with him. I told him about 6 months ago - which pretty much ruined our friendship as he was seeing someone at the time. He broke up with her; moved across the country to a city near mine and I was the 1st person he told. We have a long history... and I guess I am really scared that we ruined everything and that he is freaking out. I will give him space.