How to stop allowing yourself to be used for sex?

[Anonymous]

Seems like a pathetic question, I know, but I’ve had this fuck buddy for about a year now. I know I like him and he doesn’t feel the same (we’ve spoken about it) but I continue to allow him to use me for sex (I only say use because that’s how it feels; he sleeps with other people and sometimes will ignore my texts after initiating the conversation etc). Anyway I was wondering what it takes to pull yourself together and get out of this situation - can it really be done by just shifting mindset or should I get with someone else to get over him? If anyone’s been in that situation I’d love to hear your advice.

[MrOracle]

You simply tell him it's over, and you stop showing up.

in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with casual sex or friends with benefits if that's what you want - and plenty of people only want that, and they're allowed to only want that. The problem you have is that you KNOW you want more than that, and probably did from the beginning, and you were hoping the guy would change his mind. Women especially LOVE to believe that they can change a man's mind - but that's actually happened about 3 times in the entire history of human relationships, so the odds of it happening for you are worse than Lotto jackpot odds.

You need to start by taking responsibility for your actions and decisions - this isn't HIS fault, but yours. And you are the only one who can end this, by literally ending it. Just tell him it isn't working for you anymore, and that's that.

In the future, if someone tells you they are only looking for casual sex, and you want more, the RIGHT thing to do is to end things with them and move on right then. Do NOT lie to yourself - and to him - and say that you're okay with casual sex when you aren't, and definitely do not deceive yourself into believing that he's going to change his mind. He won't. It's YOUR job to stand up for your own desires and needs; you can't expect someone else to look out for your interests, because that's YOUR job.

You're afraid to "lose him", but despite having sex with him, you've NEVER "had him" and you likely never will, so there's really nothing to lose. End it, and move on, and focus your energies on finding another guy who actually WANTS to be in a relationship with you. You may need to be more realistic about who you date - trying to "date up" is the most likely reason you'll have a guy who only wants casual sex, because he has lots of other options, and that gives him all the leverage. Dating a guy closer to your own level means you're a much better option for him, and he's much more likely to take you and your desires seriously.

[Asker]

This hurt but ty for being honest!

[MrOracle]

I will always give you honesty, but I can't promise you'll like it, or that it will be easy to hear.

[Mofunfour20]

Get someone else, a therapist. He's using you? I thought sex was for both parties to enjoy. You enjoy it, just not the fact that he is emotionally unavailable to listen to your problems like the fantasy boyfriend you want him to be. The issue here is that you dont know how to be the girlfriend he wants. See what your father would think, never take dating advice from women. Theyre the competition

[Anonymous]

👋🏻 Cut him off.
Completely. Zero contact. He has zero incentive to pursue anything serious with you as long as he’s getting what he wants with the current arrangement. I recommend changing your number and deactivating your social media if you have to. Attachments are hard, especially for us women. But they can be broken. And they can fade. When you feel yourself slipping, do something that gives you roughly the same amount of pleasure or “high” as you would when you interact with him (socialize, hang out with with friends, exercise, pay attention to other men, progress on a new hobby or project, watch a sappy romantic movie or series that’ll temporarily fill the need that he’s been meeting, etc.)



👯‍♀️ Tap your support system
Tell your friends and family what you’ve been through and what you’re trying to do now. When you’re tempted to fall back, call them.


🧘‍♀️ Rediscover yourself
What are your short-term and long-term goals? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Where can you use your abilities? What activities make you happy?
What have you learned in the last month or year? What do you really want out of life? In a guy? It’s all about loving and rebuilding yourself.


🙎‍♂️👨‍⚖️👨‍💼 Talk to other guys
Just so you could be reminded that there are guys out there who are so much better than him and who you have potential to create a healthy relationship or great friendships with.


💯 Picture your ideal guy

Think about what your letting some other guy use you (longer than what this friends with benefits may deserve) is gonna leave him with.

[Asker]

Thank you for this!

[DKierrvey]

I personally would not want to fuck someone who is fucking others while dealing with me. That sounds disgusting. This is a tough situation but you should respect yourself enough to at least try to move on. I think blocking his number will help because you won’t be messaged or asked for sex. Don’t hookup with anyone else if you can’t keep your emotions out of it. Try focusing on other things you have going on. Also maybe invest in a good vibrator. You’ll definitely forget about him after using one of those (hopefully). The most important thing is that you are trying to move on from this. If you stay stuck in this situation you’ll always feel used and hurt. Good luck!

[Levin]

This seems to be a self-esteem issue.

I think you should investigate that angle (if I'm correct). Some questions to ask yourself non-judgmentally.

Why do you continue to allow this?
How do you feel about yourself? Why do you feel this way?
What do these encounters give you?
What is it you want? Why can't you have it? Why don't you deserve it?

[SofiSin667]

It stops the moment you realize he's never going to take you serious and you realize you're wasting your time. A whole year has gone by and here you are... feeling bad, when you could've spent that year valuing yourself and spending it with someone that actually wants you for a stable relationship. Remember this, sleeping with someone won't solidify something formal... you've just given them a green light to come to you whenever they want to sleep around without being tied down to you.

[JosyJosy]

By thinking with your head and not with your heart. Let logic take over and you'll make that click soon enough. Or write down how you felt after the sex, how miserable and read it again and again

[Asker]

Writing it down sounds v helpful, thanks

[JosyJosy]

also look at yourself as you're reading it to yourself like you're saying it to yourself

[Tstrbrainer]

Well, you know that he doesn't want anything serious with you.

So you should stop as you are obviously not enjoying your current status. Maybe go to a therapist, if you are dealing with too much emotional stuff.

And make sure you make your standards clear before getting into any future relationship

[Lynx122]

If you get with someone else the same thing will happen. Only changing yourself internally can help.

[SomeThrowAway]

Get with someone else if you must. Block his number. Change your mindset. You are choosing this and you need to stop. Perhaps masturbate more, get a vibrator.

[Twalli]

You're allowing him to use you for sex because you love him. You can't stop loving him, but can stop letting him have sex with toy.

[Adam_West]

The point of fuckboddy is to use you to fuck anyway.

[Sue_Free]

You cut them out of your life

[FýrdracaDócincel]

Is it good sex?

[Asker]

I think I enjoy it because I find him so attractive - the sex itself isn’t all that amazing

[FýrdracaDócincel]

You aren't being used.

[FýrdracaDócincel]

You don't get to decide if you're being "used." Especially not if you find the sex enjoyable

[Asker]

But presumably you, a person with zero connection to the situation, are unequivocally allowed to decide that I am not being used. What fabulous logic

[FýrdracaDócincel]

Yes yes I am because I actually have a brain. I don't expect you to understand that.

[Asker]

Because everyone knows that the brainiest people are incels who troll on the internet while complaining about how their parents still control their life (which wouldn’t be an issue if you were actually smart and successful by the way, because they wouldn’t have a say)

[FýrdracaDócincel]

Thanks for outing yourself as petty and butthurt so I didn't have to.

Doing my job for me. Five stars. I should argue with you more often.

[Asker]

No problem! I love doing charity work by giving my two cents to the dregs of society 😌 although I’d suggest that arguing with people like me on gag probably isn’t the best way to alleviate your parents understandable disappointment in their son.