Romantic guy becoming bitter from chronic unrequited love. Should I just give up?

[jack49north]

My whole life, I've been rejected by the girls I've liked. I have so much to give, but nobody wants it. I'm a romantic, I like flowers and candle-lit dinners and romantic comedy movies. I like making things like art and cooking for people I like. I love cuddling. I don't care about sex as much as feeling a connection with somebody.

I feel frustrated and like I'm about to lose all of this because it just isn't working for me and the pain I feel is too great. I don't want to be cynical about love but I'm afraid I'm slipping down that path. I'm seriously ready to stop being nice and start acting like a jerk, like what women seem to want.

Do girls just don't want guys like me anymore?

[bobair]

First of all, I can relate.

Hell, I even write a blog called "FULL OF HATE AND READY TO DATE" : link

You wanna REALLY know you're doing wrong?

First, 3 things you're doing right:

1) You're actually looking for love.

2) You have a lot to give her.

3) You're taking enough action that you're getting rejected.

Most guys don't even get this far so congratulate yourself.

Now, down to the problems... 3 things you're likely doing wrong:

1) You're BEING needy.

2) You're smothering her.

3) You're putting her on a pedestal.

Ask yourself this: Why do I NEED to have a woman so badly? What am I REALLY seeking? What is this NEED I'm trying to fulfill. Most often it's a need for approval. Don't let your ego say otherwise. Read This: link

How do I know? I know it's an approval seeking problem because when you're needy and girls reject you your ego feel bruised and angry.

BUT if you're truly just trying to spread love then your ego isn't even involved. When girls reject you it's not a real rejection. It's just her saying, "no thanks."

The reality is that the only love you can ever feel is the love you already have to give. There is no magical fairy powder that transfers her love into your heart. It's your body's ability to feel empathy for others. There's a part of you that thinks "if she loves me then I'm worth being loved. If she lets me love her then I'm worth more."

You definitely should take some time to heal your deepest insecurities before seeking to share with someone else.

When you're full of self love, and when you're no longer seeking approval from others, then something magical happens. You stop doing the following things that women hate:

1) smothering her for attention and affection because you're more balanced.

2) getting angry or jaded when she's not interested because you know you have something REAL to offer and that it's really her loss.

3) flirting endlessly with every single woman who chats with you because you're more selective with the women you choose to pursue. Being selective sub-communicates to her that you're of high value.

Women don't respect men who put them on pedestals... besides it's hard to kiss you from way up there. Instead bring her back to earth so that you're on an even playing field, where she prefers to be.

Women really only want to be praised once you've taken a long time to get to know and love them, not early into the relationship where it feels fake.

I hope this helps dude,

~ Robby

[sonic241928]

Yes, girls do want a guy like you, but not right from the start.

In the beginning, you have to be fun and low-pressure with girls. If you break out the flowers, candle-lit dinners and romantic comedies on the first (or even second or third date), that's going to scare a girl away. Not because they're bad gestures, but because it's "too much too soon." It makes her think you want long-term commitment when she barely even knows you yet.

The things girls like about jerks are the overt masculine traits they display, like aggressiveness, indifference, rebelliousness, and most importantly, confidence. They walk and talk with confidence, and aren't afraid to flirt or make physical moves on girls. Those things are within every guy and just take some practice to bring to the forefront--not every attractive guy is a jerk. Also, they tend to have a certain style about them, but if you're always dressed cool, and always well-groomed and neat, you shouldn't have a problem.

Here's a suggestion--next time you ask a girl out, ask her to one of these two things:

1) A simple coffee date--none of the romantic stuff. No flowers, etc. Resist the urge to compliment her on ANYTHING, except once or twice on something she SAYS that's funny, interesting, or character-revealing (For example--"Wow, you're pretty adventurous, I like that"). In fact, it should be almost as unromantic as having coffee with another guy. This short, first date is just for making fun conversation and getting to know her better.

2) Ask her to a fun physical activity, like paintballing, rock-climbing, roller/ice-skating, bowling, etc. Something fun. (If you're not as experienced with those things that much, like me, it's not too late to start hanging out and trying those things on your own/with friends before you seriously take girls on those kinds of dates). Physical activity gets her hormones working in a psychologically-proven way and will enhance, not take away from, a connection if it's already there. Your subsequent dates can be more low-key.

Last thing--put your arm around her or kiss her at least once on the first date. Just go for it. (It's the kind of thing a "jerk" would do to show he's confident, but think about it! It's not very jerk-like. If the girl doesn't like it, she'll just shrug it off. It doesn't have to get awkward.)

If you can't work up the nerve to kiss her on the lips, kiss her on the cheek as you hug her.

Best of luck man. Please tell me what you think of this answer.

[Anonymous]

It's not about looks, money or your game. What I look for in a man is someone that I can share my common interests with, who generates and reciprocates positive feelings with me and is willing to make some sacrifices to make an intimate relationship work. I don't know if any of these problems fit you, but these are immediate turn-offs for me: man who watches TV or plays games for hours at a time, never acknowledges me unless I acknowledge him, constantly watches pretty women, smokes, drinks too much, ignores children, and unstable worker. There are other things, but those top the list. With this said, I am a little more forgiving of men than I used to be. Since being saved and studying the Bible I realize that men and women have their own problems of temptation. All too often we look for in others what can only be found in God. With Him we have no need of others. He gives us companionship, he knows us through and through, he loves us deeply despite our problems, and he listens to every word we say when we pray. Christians have less need to fill themselves up with worldly pleasures (cigarettes, alcohol, TV, laziness, etc listed above) because their hearts are wholly filled with the Holy Spirit. His grace covers all sin. No matter how bad we have been, are or will be all he asks that we believe He died for those very things out of love.

[nicky360]

they do but for the most part the guys that I've encountered that have had this issue either...

1. need to work on their appearance. it's sounds bad I know but we're all physically driven. hit the gym, take care of your health, gain some muscle perhaps...

2. come off too needy/strong too quickly. they develop attachments too quickly & end up getting hurt because it's a turn off for girls when the guy gets clingy. play it cool. show the girl you're interested but that you also have your own life & you're not eagerly sitting around waiting for her. hang out w your friends, do things you enjoy, etc etc. there's a very fine line between interest & psychotic.

3. the fact that you are a romantic isn't whats' causing the rejection. girls love all of those things

[Niko-r]

seriously just DONT give up! I know that it hurts, but don't go looking for love, love will find you =] when it does it will be worth it. Its been a tough year for hearts, but keep your head up! One of these days you will meet the girl of your dreams and she will love you for you! don't lose hope! ALSO : never be something your not to impress a girl (don't be a d***) because honestly your just fooling the girl into thinking your a whole other person and if she gets close to you and see's your sweeter side she may think your fake, you need a girl who will love you for you no questions asked! Good luck my dear! please don't lose faith feel free to message me =]

[tex151]

You sound like a chick man, your romantic, love cuddling, flowers, and don't care about sex as much as feeling a connection. Those are things chicks say, and you wonder why you can't get a gf, well if a chick dates you from what your describing she will think she is dating a chick. I am betting you get a lot of women saying lets just be friends, or your such a good friend, well ya if you act like that your a chicks best friend, a guy who they can relate to.

The whole point on getting a girlfriend is to be a guy, women know a guy wants sex, they know we don't like flowers, they know we can tolerate cuddling, but to much cuddling with no sex or even wanting to have sex is not normal for a guy. So your problem is your either way to feminine or your to damn nice. Chicks don't want a guy like that they want a guy who is a guy, find some friends who are good at getting chicks, and learn from them, which is exactly what you should have been doing in the first place.

[The_Box]

"Romantic guy becoming bitter from chronic unrequited love. Should I just give up?" - In other words, another whiner who can't get a girl and wants to make a sympathy plea out of it.

I'm sure the others covered most of what you need, but there's one point I'd like to add that's kinda overlooked and that is: Get your head in the game! Seriously, start making an effort. Read what these other fellows wrote and then start being proactive as swiftly and dramatically as possible.

Don't give up before you've even tried.

[Gregs]

Romance is something that has been fed into you by people so that restaurants and candle shops can make money, and lazy women can get some flowers and a nice meal.

"I'm seriously ready to stop being nice and start acting like a jerk, like what women seem to want." - About f**king time, your too nice bro, once you start acting like a jerk remember to even yourself out eventually tho, a man is someone between a jerk and where you are now, good luck

[sonic241928]

I agree, but I think he should focus more on being a "man" and not a jerk.

[Gregs]

Im just worried he's going to end up like George Sodini, he even looks a bit like the guy! Its better to be a jerk and let the anger out and get low quality girls for a while until you find the balance, that's what I went through when I was a nice guy.

[jack49north]

Just Googled Sodini and found out what he did. Sometimes I feel like I hate or fear women because they reject me, but I'd never massacre them--something like this has never happened in our pleasant city of Anchorage and I don't plan to change that. Agree that the anger needs to come out constructively and not to "bottle it up"--there is some deep-rooted frustration, and I'm getting professional help through uni (Sodini did not).

[Gregs]

Good luck bro

[Anonymous]

I can totally relate. Don't be a d***, but just understand that women are a bunch of ****s. If they can't appreciate you for you, f*** them. You're better off without them. I've wasted a lot of time, energy, tears, money, and my life being the exact same way you're being right now. Focus on what matters -- MAKING MONEY. You can be fat, ugly, have bad breath, fart all the time, wear stained shirts, it all doesn't matter if you're rich. Bottom line girls are attracted to a stable future for themselves. Women are naturally selfish creatures. So you're got to pony up the dough, or they will never like you. That is unless you look like Brad Pitt, or whatever. Listen, repeat this mantra "girls suck, girls suck, girls suck." Remember God made men stronger for a reason. So make some money, beef up at the gym, and remember you're better than 99% of the women in this world.