How long does it take for sexual chemistry and tension to fade?

[Anonymous]

I've been in the situation recently where I had some crazy intense chemistry with a colleague. This was reciprocated but I don't know to what extend he felt the chemistry.

We're both married so this can't go anywhere, and I think it was a wake up call to us both to focus on our marriages. He only wants work related contact and that's fine, I'll do that.

How long does it take for that attraction and chemistry to fade?

Although we speak a few times a week for work, we rarely see each other because we're based in different offices. Although we're due to see each other again soon at a 2 day team meeting.

I'm pretty nervous about how it's going to be, and if my knees will still go weak when I see him. I'm also nervous about how awkward he'll be with me. How long will it take to return to normal?

Normal = no attraction and no awkwardness

[Anticipation]

It will fade and maybe replaced. In the mean time, you don't want it to affect your job, which will help this fade away.

In my view, it isn't unusual for a man or woman to have several secret crushes. Sometimes there is mutual chemistry between a man and a woman that are married, but not to each other, but they understand the need to control those urges, sometimes restraint elevates intense arousal.

If you can use this sexual energy on your husband, it makes for powerful love making,, even though your husband has no idea that you are visualizing another man's penis inside you.

To go beyond that, runs it is emotional risks and you or he will eventually get caught.

[Asker]

Thanks for that. This is the first crush I've had and it's the most intense feeling I've ever experienced. I'm not sure to what extent he feels it the same but I'm guessing the fact that he doesn't want contact outside of work signals that there is a lot there on his part too.

[Anticipation]

I have a couple of ideas that are actually pretty hot, that will stimulate your mind. A passionate woman with a powerful sex drive like you have, could use some relief. If you'd like to message me privately let me know.

[Anticipation]

I hope you can simply enjoy the feeling of being aroused and that you have a healthy libido.

Arousal is such a good feeling and does stimulate the mind. If you and your husband are still intimate, that will mean the sexual tension you experience from others, will make create powerful sex with your husband.

I imagine if you suggest to your husband to go very , slow when he penetrates, your arousal will go through the moon and explode.

The will be an empty feeling if you and your co-worker had actually consummated your attractions.

[Being_a_good_Indian]

It would take time. How much depends on you.

Just remember one thing that you should not become weak in your decision to leave it.

In initial stage of fading the chemistry you would crave for him. Feel to start again but don't though he initiate again.

Controlling your thoughts is in your hands. You can control your own thoughts and feelings.

[Asker]

No and I definitely won't. And I hope he doesn't either. Wish it was like it was before. I'd never experienced such a powerful draw to someone before, like magnets.

[Being_a_good_Indian]

It's just because of structuring of human brain in that way. It will become weak as time passes but will exist. Just try to see his negative sides as each one has negative side.

No person is perfect. Keep on thinking about the negative side of that guy whomsoever he might be.

The more you will try to think how to fade the more strong it will become. Divert your mind in other activities in office and in home. Indulging in other activities or hobbies will help you to fade up the feeling.

It will fade but it will not go totalling.

#personal_experience

[Asker]

Hopefully it'll become a lot easier. I feel like he's angry with me so I instinct is that I need to fix everything. But I can't

[kaylaS91]

It might not fade at all. I mean.. my boyfriend and I have been together for over three years and the chemistry/tension is pretty much unchanged.

[Asker]

It's great that you guys have that! But I guess you work on keeping that alive?

[kaylaS91]

umm... not really. I mean we don't do anything outside of the norm for most couples. If anything, less as we're both broke students pretty close to grad so both our finances as well as time available are limited.

[Astoriana]

Think about all his disgusting habits (like being a cheater) and it will fade very quickly.

[Asker]

To be fair, he hasn't cheated! Certainly not with me anyway... not sure if he's cheated with anyone else

[Astoriana]

He's pretty close to it. Emotional cheating is still cheating.

[Asker]

I'm not much better 😢

[Astoriana]

Then remember your own shame.

[momo770]

sometimes it doesn't, so you have to be very careful.

[Musicgeek21]

Sleep with your husband and make sure he makes you climax a lot. From what I can decipher sexual chemistry is created by raw touch but also by chemicals and hormones. Your attraction to him occurs because your body senses that he was your last partner. If you override that chemistry with your husbands pheromones your body should stop reacting to him.

[Asker]

Hope so x

[Spid3rMonk3y]

give it time. set your mind on everything you do is in a professional capacity. it will take time. there's no set amount of time. think about how important your marriage is to you. and how horrible you would feel if you did anything to jeopardize that at all.

[Asker]

Is it likely to be there still when I see him next time?

[Spid3rMonk3y]

Probably but just be professional and honest with him. if you have to talk to him about it then do so but make it very clear nothing will happen. don't allow yourself to do something you regret and it will fade away.

[Asker]

I've suggested we have a call to clear the air but he won't - he just wants to keep his distance. I'm feeling so anxious about it but there's nothing more I can do or he'll think I'm pursuing him.

[Spid3rMonk3y]

if he wants to keep his distance then allow that. only interact when you have to. he may not trust himself to be good and not get involved with you if he get to close.

[Spid3rMonk3y]

it'll all work out if you just act normal and be yourself in a professional capacity. don't be anxious. it sounds like he wants to avoid any problems just like you.

[Asker]

Yea true, I'll just keep acting normal. I can put a good front on but felt he was ignoring me and had some issue. Hopefully it'll settle down

[Spid3rMonk3y]

he's just maybe ignoring so he stays out of trouble. it'll work out. don't let it distract you from the rest of your life.

[Asker]

Yea maybe

[Spid3rMonk3y]

I'm certain of it. just let it play out. everything will work out.

[Asker]

Thank you for your insight

[Asker]

I almost feel like I've done something wrong, that he doesn't want to speak to me apart from work. It's like someone is so angry with you that they refuse to speak to you. Not a nice feeling

[Spid3rMonk3y]

yea I know the feeling. but when there's a chemistry like what you described and a guy knows he loves his wife and has to do whatever it takes to hold on to that, he will. it might mean that you have to abandon the friendship all together but it's for the best of your marriage, and his.

[Asker]

You speak a lot of sense

[Spid3rMonk3y]

I try. 😁

[martyfellow]

The tension will likely NEVER fade away completely. It's too intimate and unconscious a part of our psyches to be arbitrarily controlled by us!

Be prepared for the weak knees. Sure you can keep a professional mans on-with practice--so other people won't know. But chances are his close women colleagues will pick up on the tension no matter how 'professional' you behave, so be ready for some gossip.

[Asker]

Yea he wasn't very good at hiding his feelings - it was very visible to me. Very visible. We work mostly with men and I'm not sure if they picked up on the signs quite so easily. He doesn't want any contact apart from work and I'm going to honour that but I think that's making it worse for me. It makes me wonder if he's struggling with his feelings and need that distance (he hasn't said that). I would have preferred to find a balance as with our jobs, we will be in many social situations together so need to know how to handle those.

[Truthatanycost]

It can take years in some cases but that's up to you. There has been cases where I've tried to let the chemistry fade, but almost automatically, the girl in question moves forward trying to stop it from fading. As long as you don't do that, then it can fade.

[Asker]

Moves forward - do you mean made a move? I'm going to honour it and hold back. He clearly wants that. But it almost is making it worse in my case!

[Truthatanycost]

I meant that when I had a similar situation and tried to keep a distance, the girl would suddenly start making more effort, jumping in front of me, finding excuses to be around me etc. If you can really keep away then eventually it may fade.

In my case, I am single, but she had the boyfriend so I stayed away. So slightly different situation but you get the picture.

[Asker]

Was that pretty tempting for you? We have to have contact for work obviously but I wouldn't be trying to encourage anything.

[Truthatanycost]

Yes, but I have a very high level of self control so it's not a problem. I also see it as her bf's job to make her feel good, not mine. What you might find helpful is to understand what triggers the attraction and then eliminate those things if you can.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation... I've gotten much too close and have fallen for her completely. I am so lost wondering how to deal with my feelings, but mostly wondering if she feels the same. The way she looks at me sometimes, the way she touches me sometimes... it feels like she does feel the same. I just don't want to be seeing something that isn't there.

[Asker]

It's difficult isn't it. These feeling have came out of nowhere and developed very quickly. I know it's not love but it's a very intense crush, very intense. I realised he felt the same the first time he looked into my eyes. I was sat next to him and could feel this electricity and this need to reach out and touch him and he turned round and just looked at me and held eye contact. I think it's admirable that he's trying to keep his distance but it doesn't make things any easier

[Opinion Owner]

Ha... the feelings developed very quickly for me nearly the same way. One fateful night I looked into her eyes, and I felt something I'd never felt before... and I think she felt it too because from that point on she became even closer to me.

What I saw and felt, it was so intense, it was like there was something more... and I've been chasing after it ever since.

[Asker]

Yea I know exactly what you mean. The more he looked into my eyes over those few days, the more it grew. I wonder if it's all in the eye contact? It grew to be very intense and constant. We couldn't keep our eyes off each other.

[Opinion Owner]

Same, she is the only one who I've had such prolonged eye contact with... it just feels natural...

You mentioned you felt the need to touch him, in what ways do you touch him?

[Asker]

I really try not to to be honest, spent most of my time trying to hide my feelings. It was just the longing for some contact - I just felt so drawn to him. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever experienced

[Opinion Owner]

I hide my feelings too well sometimes, even though I constantly think about her. She touches my hand in subtle ways, or gently brushes my leg under the table... and it drives me absolutely crazy... wondering if she knows what she is doing. I want to touch her but I know I shouldn't... and I feel so stuck.

[Asker]

Yea she probably knows what she's doing. When you feel it so intense like that and can notice other signs, I think she probably feels it and that's her way of showing it without saying it.

The few times I did touch him, it was gently on the arm and gently on the bottom of his back when he was blocking my path.

He wasn't very good at hiding it at all but I think I am. I'm going to continue to hide it but with neither of us feeling it, it might just disappear

[Opinion Owner]

How long has it been going on for you? Those light gentle touches probably drive him crazy combined with all that eye contact.

How is he not good at hiding it? Haha, I bet she's seen right through me sometimes.

[Asker]

This hasn't been going on that long, started around March time and has grown from there. Only really grown in intensity in the last 6-8 weeks I'd say. I feel sick daily from it, the knots and anxiety in my stomach. I can't help that I want him and it's so strong, I literally feel sick sometimes.

[Opinion Owner]

Haha... March is when it started for me too, but March of last year.

I've tried very hard to put away the feelings, that intense longing just to be near her, or hear from her. I've stayed away as much as I could... but it's just not possible. I see her name and my heart skips a beat. I know when I will see her and there are butterflies in my stomach leading up to that moment. When I am around her my hands begin to tremble. I am not normally like this!

[Asker]

His signs were really obvious.

*When we see each other for the first time after a while, he's very awkward and almost hostile with his body language until he relaxes. Oh and he blushes very easy.
*keeps looking at me
*either try's to get as far away from me as possible or wants to be with me and only me and will take every opportunity to be with me alone or to try and get me alone
*teasing me in a joke manner
*hell start to ask me questions about myself and then get embarrassed when he realised the extent he's sitting talking to me
*mirroring - this is the first time I've ever seen this actually.. I was really hot and was fanning. Useless with my name badge and he started to do the same and felt really embarrassed when he realised he was doing it (it was just an automatic reaction)
*he remembers things I've said and then seems very embarrassed about it when he realises he's said something

[Opinion Owner]

All those signs... yep, I've done them all. He's surely trying to hide it with his awkward body language - he's been thinking about seeing you and doesn't know what to with himself now that you're actually in front of him.

And that blushing thing, it's happened on occasion because of her, and she has even pointed it out to tease me when I actually wasn't blushing. "Look, he's blushing! That's rare for him!"

[Asker]

Yea I pointed it out to him too, not realising at the time, and he said "yes it sometimes happens" and got up and walked away!!! Sometimes he's either really shy or super confident. I think it sometimes depends on who's around. There's a couple of guys from work that he's very close to and he definitely has a lot more confidence when they're around. He's 34 but been married for 9 years I think so he'll definitely be rusty. But those eyes - man, if I could poke them out of his head, things would be so much easier.

[Opinion Owner]

Lol... he had to get up and walk away, he was already embarrassed he was showing too much. I am also very shy or very confident in front of her. There have been a few occasions where I purposefully stare at her across the table for no reason, with a sly smile as if to say "I know." And she stares back but gets very shy and has to look away, and then I smile even more thinking "Yeah, I have you right where I want you."

Of course I can't do that all the time, either I'll get caught by friends or I get too shy.

[Asker]

He got very confident with the eye contact. I'm usually a very confident person but he sometimes makes me feel shy. My heard pounds, literally. It's pounding now thinking about him. He'd commented on how much water I drank and I asked him if he didn't drink water and he he said "oh I do, I drink water all the time! I start the day with 2 pints of water" - making me try and think he's really into his health etc. It was cute. Plus he uses a lot of sexual innuendo in front of me when he's with the rest of the lads but I'm not sure if that's just him or if it's something I bring out in him.

But I wonder if he's able to just switch his feelings off perhaps? Maybe they weren't real feelings or signs, maybe they were fabricated and have disappeared. But then I don't know why he's refusing to deal with me outside of work. Im a talker and I'm quite open to talking about my feelings etc but I suspect he's a bit more introvert and not as open to it - which is why we're in this position

[Opinion Owner]

Hmmm taking notes, I need to stare at her more. by the way, I bet he was saying that just for you lol. If he's blushing, but has confidence at other times, I am quite sure those feelings are real. He is just trying to hide them. One way I try to hide them is by being a bit flirty, but not touchy with other girls... though I think this has made her quite jealous so I've stopped doing that.

I read your other questions, you said you met outside of work, but now he refuses?

[Asker]

No - any time we've seen each other, it's been work related. We had been flirting a bit over snapchat and we're friends on Facebook. He wants to keep it to work and work related topics only 🙁

[Opinion Owner]

Have you asked him to meet up outside of work?

I've asked her a couple times to meet up for coffee or drinks, just us... we end up talking for hours...

[Asker]

I asked him recently if we could have a quick call (just last week), and he said no, he doesn't want to have any contact with me other that necessary contact for work purposes. So he's either really annoyed/angry with me or trying to get over me or something else (I'm not sure what the 3rd option would be!!). Or if his interest level has changed (although I don't see why he'd be so insistent that we only discuss work topics only). It's a weird situation

[Opinion Owner]

Have you made your interest in him obvious?

[Asker]

Yes, I've made it obvious

[Opinion Owner]

How so?

[Asker]

I told him. However, I did wait approx 4-5 weeks after he told me, so this is maybe where the problem lies...

[Opinion Owner]

wait... he confessed to you first? lol

[Asker]

Yes he did. 😫🙈

[Opinion Owner]

What did he say? And how did you react?

[Asker]

Sorry, I didn't see you'd responded. He was apologising to me actually as someone had said he was teasing me and being mean. Obviously I knew he had been flirting. He said "I didn't want you to think I didn't like you because I do". Turned out that everyone in the team knew we were hooking up/trying to hook up and that freaked me out.

[Asker]

So I didn't really give a great response to be honest! I said that maybe we should keep it to work

[Opinion Owner]

Apologising to you, for being mean, was confessing his feelings?

[Asker]

He apologised, said he wasn't intending to be mean (he was flirting, just badly in some instances!!). And he didn't want me to think he didn't like me, as he did.

[Opinion Owner]

Ah, I've apologised to her recently for being mean... lol... and I never apologise to anyone, but she doesn't know that.

It sounds like he was hurt by your response.

[Asker]

I hope he gets over it! I noticed the other day when we were on a conference call for work that he speaks in a different tone of voice to the rest of the team - and then when speaking to me, his voice really softened. I thought I'd noticed that before but that was the most noticeable ever

[Asker]

So how are things going with your beau? And sorry it's taken me so long to respond... I didn't notice the notification when you responded

[Opinion Owner]

His voice softened because he has a soft spot for you... I notice myself doing that with her lol, and I just feel so weak. Weak in a good way, because I am not normally like that! My friends might say I have a ton of confidence but that sometimes melts away when interacting with her.

What do you hope he gets over, his feelings, or whatever is keeping him from you?

[Opinion Owner]

I saw her today, I invited her to go out on a hike. It actually was her suggestion, she mentioned going without him while he was busy because he hates hiking... but today he wasn't so he tagged along. (Did I mention he's my best friend?) When I picked her up he was a bit upset that she agreed to go hiking when she doesn't go biking with him (he often leaves her behind because she's slower).

She and I would be walking side by side talking, and he'd complain "why are you two walking so slow?" She replied "We're just chatting!" She really enjoys talking to me, anytime she and I are together we can talk for hours. Though sometimes she ignores him or doesn't hear when he asks a direct question to get her attention, and I'm just thinking in my head "Did you really not hear him?"

I wanted to touch her, but since he was around I backed off. I did brush against her when walking past, and also our hands bumped into each other... was I being too obvious? Lol

[Asker]

Will he realise he's doing that or is it a subconscious thing? From being in his company, I'd say he's not very good at all at controlling his body language. His body language gave it all away - everything lol! It's awful to say but I hope he gets over whatever it is that's holding me back. This scenario is really making me reconsider my current situation - I'm not saying I'd want to leave for him, but I think it's really highlighted that things aren't as they should be in my currently relationship. The feelings I have for him have been going strong now for over 2 months and that's with having very limited contact. It's such a hard situation to be in.

So what are you going to do about her?

[Asker]

Awwww that's so tough as he's your friend. Such a difficult situation for you to be in. It definitely sounds like she wants to be close to you. Are they married or just in a relationship?

[Opinion Owner]

It's subconscious at first, to treat you softly and sweetly... I only noticed because I realized that's how she treats me (though she is very polite and treats everyone nicely). What was his body language that gave it away?

I was wondering, do you feel there is something lacking in your current relationship? In mine, we are amazing together... which is why I'm finding it so hard to deal with this crush turning into something I have no control over. I just want to see where it goes... if I will break...

[Asker]

I thought I was happy and this really highlighted that I probably wasn't and it forced me to really think things through. I think the other guy has some attributes that my partner doesn't have and that's an attraction... but even back in February, I thought my marriage was over (and told hubby at the time). I feel like we're grown apart and that we want to go different directions in life. I have started to become more excited about starting again on my own than I am about staying with him, and I've fallen out of love with him. I don't find him attractive anymore but I think that's to do with losing respect for him as a partner. It isn't anything major that has happened, I just think it's lots of little things that have pushed us further and further apart.

[Opinion Owner]

He and I were so close, (everyone made fun of us for always being together lol) and I knew that if I continued to get closer to her, I'd probably lose him. And that is what has been happening. It hurts a lot. I am not sure he knows what is going on between her and I, but I think he feels left out sometimes. The three of us are close friends and we get along so well.

They aren't married... yet. She's been waiting for him to propose, and he finally went ring shopping. I'm so happy for them... but... now that I've developed feelings, I am envious... and I know that is ridiculous lol

[Asker]

With the other guy at work, the body language included:
-Him fanning himself at the same time I did as I was hot - he realised he was doing it and got embarrassed, saying "I'm not even hot, I don't know why I'm doing this"

-prolonged eye contact - and his eyes looks so amazing, really light blue! Although they don't always look that colour. It's weird

-the flirting and innuendo! We just had this great flow going, lots and lots of banter

[Asker]

-no matter where he was in the room, his eyes were always seeking me out

-I caught him checking my boobs out 😂

-he tried to get me alone a couple of times, I just hadn't realised the significance of it at the time

-speaking to me much more softly than he would to everyone else

-he was showing interest in me and asking questions about me, and actually recalled the information. For example, I said I didn't like beer and then when were out for dinner as a group with work, I ordered a drink and he said "that's a beer" and I said yeah I know (I didn't haha!), and then he said "oh it was just you said you didn't like beer".

-he started ordering the same drink as me (gin and tonic)

-when we first seen each other, he was a bit awkward and then blushed! 😊

[Asker]

It's a very difficult situation. Does she love him? Or is she just used to being with him? I find that men aren't that perceptive at times so he maybe hasn't realised.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh wow, you felt your marriage was over? How long have you been married? Differences in how you want to live it sounds like?

It sounds like you feel ashamed for falling for this new guy, but the circumstances seem like you've been open to the idea.

[Opinion Owner]

Ha, yeah if he remembers details like that about beer... it's a good sign he's been paying attention to you. I sometimes accidentally bring up things she's said that she doesn't even remember, and I think... geez I need to cool it.

She and I order the same drink nearly every time! Sometimes I copy her, and other times she copies me.

Lol... I wonder how many times she's caught me checking her out. I try to do it discretely, but I can't help it.

And the eyes always seeking each other out, I caught her so many times giving me a quick glance. A couple times just full on staring at me. Anytime she laughs, she looks for me to make eye contact... I think that is so cute.

[Asker]

Yes I think you've hit the nail on the head - I was clearly open to it, even if I didn't realise that I was.

We've been married for 3.5 years so not very long - and only together for 5 years. We have a 3 year old and since having her, we've struggled financially and struggled trying to make time for each other. It's been a very difficult period and I think that as we hadn't been together for long beforehand, we haven't had the good memories and strong partnership to look back on. Things are much better now financially and I think we've both been waiting for it to improve and when I realised it wasn't, I felt like it was over. I cried my eyes out to my husband after he returned from having a few days away with his brother and dad, as I didn't want him to come home. I enjoyed being on my own and having my own space - I started looking at houses that weekend (but didn't move out).

[Asker]

My husband didn't seem to take t seriously so now when I've spoken to him again, he's saying I should have told him sooner.. I did! He just didn't listen. We are trying to work on it but it's hard as I've caught feelings now for someone else. And I'm not saying the other guy is right for me (I don't think I know yet if he is or not), but the fact I've been falling for him has put a magnifying glass over my marriage and it clearly isn't working. I'm not sure if I even want it to work now, not sure if we can pull it back.

[Asker]

I can remember sitting in the back of a taxi with him - I was so nervous and had this urge to just reach out and touch him (was magnetic!!! But I didn't). I asked him a question and he turned round, looked me in the eye and answered ever so softy. My heart pounded and his eyes made me just melt. I was a mess just from that few seconds. I hadn't realised at the time that he'd decided to get into the taxi wth me and leave everyone else as he wanted to be with me.

[Opinion Owner]

I always thought she loved him a lot, but little things here and there are becoming more apparent. I know she is not the type to take big risks, so perhaps she is settling for him. I know she wants kids, but he adamantly doesn't... somehow she's ok with this, but my heart breaks for her. Even earlier today she brought it up, "I don't need kids when I have to take care of him, I have my hands full." because he does act like a spoiled child always wanting his way. She enables him though. But, I stay out of all that and keep my opinions and comments to myself.

One of the most puzzling questions I ask is, she really seems to love him... then why is she giving me all these signs? Which leads to, maybe is she just being friendly? I go in circles constantly trying to answer these questions. Maybe you can help? lol

[Asker]

If she's risk adverse, she's maybe trying to figure out her feelings without making any quick decisions. But I guess there is a possibility that she perhaps likes the closeness with you? She could be looking to try and keep that... or she's fighting her feelings. Maybe she's looking for her love story and wants you to make a move? Maybe she's too shy too. It's a really difficult situation to be in. My beau has said he wants to keep it to work - we haven't seen each other in person for about 2 months so it's just been phone contact for work.

[Opinion Owner]

Those difficult periods will definitely bring a relationship to its breaking point. You and him are still together, so that is saying something. You mention that you don't have a lot of memories to fall back on, but what about the idea of making new memories together? Can that excite you?

[Opinion Owner]

She is very shy and reserved... though a couple of things she done have made me so confused!

My wife wants my attention right now, I'll reply more later today lol

[Asker]

I think a bit part of me has already started moving on over the last 4/5 months and that's the difficult part... have I moved too far now that I won't be able to come back? I don't know the answer to that. But I've been very honest with him about how I'm feeling so he knows where he stands. I also wonder if we got together too quickly - we moved at the speed of light!! I thought he was someone different that he is, although he's still a great man and a wonderful dad. I don't know if we will be able to bring it back. He still loves me and is still in love with me and this has broken his heart, the fact that I'm not in love with him any more. I'm just not sure right now so I need to take my time and work through it and put effort into my marriage. I owe it to my husband and daughter to try. It's difficult though as he's snuggled up to me in bed last night and all I can think about is the other man. I've told my husband that I've developed feelings towards someone else at work

[Asker]

How long have you been married?

[Opinion Owner]

I think you can come back, tell your husband your expectations but most importantly let him know that you do want to work on it. We men can be very forgiving and understanding.

I also got married very fast, within a year of dating her. We've been married 10 years. Waited half that to have a child, which I felt was important... we were so young. I still love my wife very much, she is amazing... but so is this other girl... and I just don't know how I got mixed up in this predicament.

[Opinion Owner]

That taxi moment you had, do you think he could tell your heart was pounding? or were you able to hide it well?

I treat her the same way, responding to her questions with thought and care, and I definitely soften my words towards her. With everyone else I am sarcastic and make pointed jokes, sometimes I do with her, but definitely not as much.

[Asker]

We didn't wait for a child - we did it straight away! I've told my husband everything and he wants to work it out. I on the other hand feel like I've drifted so far that moving on looks much more appealing to me. That's the hard part, I don't know if I can feel the same about him now.

[Asker]

I think he knows how I feel. I'm certain he does but maybe I'm wrong. I'm fairly certain he feels the same as me - but not sure to what intensity.

[Opinion Owner]

I saw you admitted your feelings about the new guy to your husband... I don't think I could handle that...

[Opinion Owner]

The new guy, those moments you've pointed out to me... those are huge signs of attraction and I say that based on my personal experience, because she and I have very very similar moments to the ones you've mentioned.

I enjoy hearing your side, because I think just maybe she might feel the same as I do... I hope she does... I can't stop thinking about her.

[Asker]

I'm better at hiding my feelings than he is, but what I can't hide is the eye contact and the stumbling verbally, and the blushing, and the flirting, he drives me insane. The thing I need to be aware of is that this may just be lust!! It may just he the desire to sleep with him and then that's it. It may not be love, however it does feel incredibly intense. I just don't know if he feels it as intense as I do.

I have told me husband but I didn't go in to loads of detail, and he didn't ask. I think he's more concerned with keeping me and trying to make our marriage work. I think this has just out a magnifying glass over my marriage and I'm just not sure. But I'm going to take my time to find out as I'm not walking away unless I'm certain.

Are you not feeling like you want to leave your wife?

How are you going to move things forward?

Being in a relationship/married makes everything so much more difficult. You can't just let your feelings be known any more at the drop of a hat

[Asker]

There's just to much at risk

[Opinion Owner]

I'm glad your husband wants to work it out, he must really care for you.

[Opinion Owner]

My feelings for her are much more than lust, I am certain of that, but I don't know what exactly to call it. Just being in her company makes me feel like I've never felt before.

I don't want to leave my wife, and I don't want her to leave her boyfriend. For some reason, I think it'd be ok if we had a secret relationship... for how long I don't know. I have taken her out on coffee "dates" but I am very respectful to not get physical with her. In fact, I've never even hugged her.

How to move things forward, I am just waiting for a clear and definite sign from her that she'd like to take things to the next level. I am often confused if she does just like me as a close friend, though I think she is also very good at hiding her feelings... except the eye contact, like you mentioned. Just a gaze that lingers... I've never made so much eye contact with anyone before, not even my wife.

[Asker]

Yea if she's making so much eye contact, she's definitely interested. I think women are much better at hiding things than men, and also amending their body language. She's probably worried too in case you don't feel the same way as she does... in case she tells you how she feels and you turn her down... she's probably worried in case she has it all wrong and that you only like her as a close friend. And if she gets it wrong and tells you, that you'll tell her partner.

I think the same as you though, or I did anyway lol! That maybe we'd get away with a little secret fling. I could have my cake and eat it.. have my husband and my comfortable home life and also have my fling with the man from work. Thing is, we live so far away, it would never be a proper fling. It would only ever be convenient when we're away with work together but I wanted him that bad, I'd have driven to him to have him. That's how much I want him - pretty bad really.

[Opinion Owner]

She finds a way to touch me subtly when she knows he won't see it, like touching my fingers/hand when I hold the door open for her (this drives me crazy, wondering if it's just an accident). And days when she doesn't touch me, there are moments of eye contact that are definitely not normal.

I've considered writing her an anonymous email, or secret note... but that is so risky, in case she doesn't feel the same way. I also fear her telling him... so I've been trying to keep myself in check, and think I'm hiding it all so well, but based on what you've noticed about your guy, she probably can tell how obvious I am lol

How far would you have to drive?

[Asker]

His signs were very noticeable!! But maybe I just know what to look for? He definitely isn't good at hiding it lol!

The touching thing is quite risky to do. I barely touched him. Although I really wanted to, really wanted to!!!

[Asker]

It would be 3 hours. Maybe 3.5

[Opinion Owner]

Tell me what you think of this. One day last summer, we were all at a museum tour, the rest of the group walked on, but she came and stood right beside me. She leaned over to point out something, while doing so she pressed her whole body against mine... I couldn't believe it, I didn't know what to do lol, I just went weak. Then... she did it again for a second time as if to let me know it was not an accident. I just stood there like I had been struck by lightning... when I came to she was walking away really fast, almost as she was running away.

[Asker]

Yes she knew what she was doing!!! That's like something I'd do - she obviously wants to get close to you. She was maybe worried that you were reciprocating, or that she'd went too far

[Opinion Owner]

We've never even hugged! I could feel everything... it was so unexpected. I wish she'd do it again lol... the closest time was nearly six months later, when she stood so close in front of me her chest was gently touching my arm. Later that night I pulled her onto the dance floor when I saw her standing alone watching me dance (I was so drunk). I let go of her hands, sort of handed her over to my friend when I saw him giving me a look (he wasn't mad), and then I danced away back into the crowd lol. Smooth, right? lol...

[Asker]

Lol! I think you're going to have to either make a move or forget about her. I don't know how you have been able to let things run this long. How can you even concentrate and get through your day for thinking about her?

I can't concentrate right now. He's said he wants to keep it professional but I wonder how he'll be with me next time we see each other. I have no idea how happy he is at home or anything... you hear things through work but all men moan about their wives I think, so I haven't read into it too much. I just don't know what I'm going to do as he's really trying to keep his distance so I need to honour that.

[Asker]

He's obviously feeling conflicted, or just guilty. Or maybe just a bit confused

[Opinion Owner]

I haven't been able to concentrate at all... it's seriously bad lol. I've been trying to keep it all hidden. There's absolutely no way I can forget about her.

You're 3.5 hours away? That is definitely not conducive to a secret fling, it'd be difficult to hide a whole day just to see each other.

[Opinion Owner]

I bet he is feeling all those things. I know I am.

[Asker]

What do you think will happen next time I see him? I'm intending to look my absolute best. Tan, good hair, and I start with my personal trainer tomorrow morning at 6am. 3 times a week!!

[Opinion Owner]

How long until you see him next? He probably already thinks you look amazing... lol

[Asker]

I don't know yet!!! Might be a month or two away. August or September - waiting to find out. I think I'm probably very different to his wife. She is very tall, the same height as him. And she's very plane. Doesn't wear jewellery or do much with her hair or dress in anything other than jeans and tshirt. I'm not glam, but I wear makeup (not loads!), always have my hair done, always wear jewellery and nice clothes. So I probably take a lot more pride in my appearance in comparison. And I'm 5ft5 so a wee bit shorter (he's 6ft 2). Plus I'm little miss personality - I don't know what her personality is like though as I haven't spoken to her before.

[Asker]

I think too, because I know I'm not happy and I'm already thinking of leaving, it won't hurt to feel and look a bit better. And have some more confidence

[Opinion Owner]

What is little miss personality? lol

Wow, that is going to be a very long time to wait... I bet he's going to be super shy when he first sees you lol.

[Asker]

Little miss personality - I just have bags of it! I'm one of those happy cheerful people that just radiates warmth.

Yea he was super shy the last time too but soon came out of his shell. He was pretty shy, struggled to make eye contact, turned his body away from me and blushed ☺️

And yes it's a very long time to wait but we're all so dispersed at work, it's not that often that we can all get together.

I know he's saying he wants to keep it professional but I wonder if there's a part of him that wants more, or if he does just want to keep it to work.

[Opinion Owner]

Ah, that is just like my wife... no wonder he can't help but feel attracted to you. I bet he's confused if you're like that with everyone, or just him.

[Asker]

I am like that with everyone, but I don't make the eye contact with everyone. That's just reserved for him. I have told him that I freaked out and panicked when he told me he liked me. I think I shared the message with you - can I share it again?

[Asker]

I'm not going to start messaging you, don't worry, but I have something I need to get off my chest. In Harrogate, after you mentioned the affair thing and how the guys all knew, it made me panic and I freaked out. I like you, and I'm so sorry for how I've acted and for how I've made you feel. I found it hard to be straight with you - mix of fear of rejection and I didn't know if I could trust you. I'm not expecting this message to change anything but I felt that you deserved some honesty from me. I'm really pleased that we're able to start again with our work relationship.

[Asker]

That's what I sent him.

[Opinion Owner]

I hadn't read that yet. Seems like a good message, makes me wonder... what did he send you? And what caused him to send it?

[Asker]

Not sure if I told you (or if you'd remember anyway), but his wife thought he was having an affair with me. This was back in March. We'd been snapchatting a bit (nothing rude) and he had been speaking to one of his friends about me and his wife overheard and thought he was having an affair. So he pulled back a bit from snapchat. But yet when he seen me, was still the same.

[Asker]

He hadn't sent me anything. This was following on from what happened when he told me he liked me. His wife thought he was having an affair and the guys in his team all knew about it. So I wasn't sure at that point if they knew we were trying to hook up... and to be honest, I wasn't sure why he was telling me about his wife thinking we were having an affair. I freaked out, and I panicked. I'm the new girl at work still and I don't want to get that label. For all I knew, he had a bet on with them all to see if he could nail me!! I still to this day have no idea what they all know.

[Opinion Owner]

Ah, yeah I've definitely had to pull back after being questioned by my wife. She noticed how close we are, and said I was giving her special treatment.

[Asker]

He hasn't sent me anything. I just hadn't really been straight with him about how I felt - I didn't say that I liked him too. I left him hanging and said I didn't want to fuck his marriage up and that maybe we should keep it to work

[Asker]

So I don't know if he'll know from that that I was interested/I am interested

[Opinion Owner]

A bet to nail you? Do you think he is that sinister? What is his personality like?

[Asker]

No I don't, but I was too panicked that I didn't want to risk it. The risk was too big for me - it was my job. He is a lovely guy and I think his intentions are honourable (apart from the cheating on his wife lol!). So I don't know if perhaps he's feeling messed around by me a bit and is also feeling guarded

[Asker]

Maybe putsch different perspective on it, huh?

[Opinion Owner]

Your message to him made it clear you were interested... lol. Did he respond?

by the way, I'd always be suspicious of a private conversation between a guy and a girl...

[Asker]

He didn't, no. But he seemed very pleased with himself the next time I spoke to him! I did try and have contact one after that, I asked if we could have a call and he said no, that he only wants a professional relationship. So I haven't tried since then. But he's still been all soft with me at work and has tried helping me out with stuff. Before that message, I felt like he was being pretty cold towards me

[Opinion Owner]

I think he told you about what his wife said, to let you know that he's going to have to pull back.

Even after he said he only wants a professional relationship, he treats you the same way?

[Asker]

I haven't seen him face to face since then. But on any calls we have for work, he's very different to me than everyone else. We don't have any contact outside of work now. He'll always be one of the first to step in to help me if I need it at work. And he speaks to me so softly compared to everyone else - it's weird. I don't know if he's maybe feeling awkward or shy? Or if there's still something there?

[Asker]

He still would never mention his wife around me

[Opinion Owner]

Oh, that must be difficult for you... not being able to see him. I bet there is still something there. Does he treat you differently than the other girls?

I don't mention my wife around her or even friends that are girls, she does seem to get a bit jealous (she just goes quiet and doesn't have anything to say, while other things she's so talkative about).

[Asker]

I'm the only girl, so it's difficult. He treats me different than the men! But that doesn't mean anything. I feel like there is something there - there's been a couple of times we're been on a call alone waiting for others to join, and how he speaks to me is just different. There's like an affection in his voice

[Opinion Owner]

If you can detect something, then it's most likely true. Has he said anything of particular that stands out?

[Asker]

It's not what he says, it's the way he says it. It's just how he is with me- does that make sense? There's still the tension and chemistry, even on the phone

[Opinion Owner]

Yes, that makes perfect sense. I treat her differently, sometimes it's on purpose but most times its because I just can't help it.

[Asker]

And it did take me weeks and weeks (I think about 5!!) to send him that text. So I'm not sure if I've left him too cold... don't know really. I thought I didn't want to risk loosing him and decided it was worth putting myself out there for

[Asker]

He doesn't really speak to me that much in front of others. But if I speak to him, he'll respond. My heart is always in my throats when I speak to him - my heart pounds in my chest every time, it's pretty bad. Maybe he feels the same way and that's why he avoids it!

[Asker]

Or maybe he hates me so much that he just doesn't want to speak to me 😢

[Opinion Owner]

Or he likes you so much he has to resist doing something stupid...

[Asker]

Which is the one I prefer. Obviously 😂 I have to be careful I don't do something stupid. He's called scott - and I have a tendency to call everyone scott now. It's happened a few times and I'm not sure if people notice

[Asker]

I always go bright red

[Opinion Owner]

lol I bet they notice. Don't go calling me Scott now...

[Asker]

Haha no! I'll be careful 😁😉

[Opinion Owner]

Tell me, how would you like him to make a move on you?

[Asker]

I think I just want him to grab me and kiss me - that'd be perfect. I think I'd get the message!

[Opinion Owner]

Oh my... lol... I don't think I have the courage to do that to her...

[Asker]

It's alright, I doubt he has the courage to do it to me either lol! I'm going to bed here soon, just in case I go quiet

[Opinion Owner]

Lol, I'd love to do that with her. I have a dream that she will find me alone in a room and do that to me!

by the way... We should move to private messaging eventually...

[Asker]

Yes but as we're both anon, I'm not sure how we do that!!! I'm off to bed here: I'm up at 5am for PT

[Opinion Owner]

We'll figure it out in the 'morrow lol. Night!

[Asker]

Has anything else happened with you and your girl?

[Opinion Owner]

Hey... I just picked her up from the airport lol

[Asker]

Oh really? And how are things going? I'm seeing scott in 3 weeks!!! 3 weeks from today

[Justinaveragedude]

In your situation, you need to take time to condition yourself to see your coworker as a non sexual being. It will take lot of work and a lot of time to let that go. Several months, maybe even a year or more. But it will happen. Just keep working on it.

[Asker]

It's so hard. I've had a serious chat with my husband but I haven't told him about my coworker. It's very hard to get him out of my head, very hard.

[Justinaveragedude]

It is hard, life is hard... after all it kills you. It takes time to train your mind and your emotions. It can be done though. Your husband can help you, it might be difficult to open up about it with him, but it can also strengthen your marriage.

[Asker]

I've actually just recently told my husband and it's hard. As I still have feelings for the other guy and he populates the majority of my thoughts. I just hadn't expected to feel this way about someone else and it's making me rethink my marriage

[Justinaveragedude]

As I said, you just condition yourself to see him differently. When you find yourself thinking about him, think about him as a long lost brother. You love your brother, but you don't want to let it get sexual with him... he's your brother. Yes, this will take time, but it can be done.

[Aming]

2 ways. when you let sex overtake your feelings or when you stop, observe and think about his shortcomings

[cavmanier]

Maybe you'll feel less attracted to him if you feel more interested in your husband?

[Asker]

It's hard getting that back once you've drifted. We had a very long and serious convo last night about our relationship and I so bad want to tell him about this so it doesn't weigh heavy on my heart but I don't want to hurt him for no reason either

[cavmanier]

Maybe you're bored in your relationship and having the interest in the other guy may be a sign.

[Asker]

Yea I think that's also true. I spoke to my husband last night about it actually

[cavmanier]

How did the talk go?

[Asker]

Mmmmm it seemed to go well and I woke up feeling more positive. Then he went and put TV on for 3 hours and ignored me!

[cavmanier]

Yeah I can see that being a problem. You want some engagement but he's sedated by the TV lol.

[realperson02]

the day both of them stop trying to put effort in the relationship, it starts to die

[Kinggood]

It all depends on how intense​ the attraction is from either side... I've been madly in love with my baby's mom for 20 years. Worst thing is I still am and she even cheated on me with this big fat greasy looking loser and that's why we broke up

[Asker]

😢 that's so sad. It's very intense from my side and although I don't know for certain, I think it's the same if not worse from his side. I don't want to cheat - but yet I can't get him out of my head. But I know it's not love... it's just this magnetic connection and this sexual chemistry.

[Kinggood]

You don't need to cheat. If you don't want to then don't... But really if you are thinking of him while your husband's nailing you, in my eyes you pretty much are cheating

[Asker]

Yea and that's how I feel - I've already cheated

[Regular1]

In the situation you describe, probably not until you find another guy. Even then you'll occasionally think "What if?"

[Asker]

As I'm married, I hope I won't!!! 😃

[eagle1951]

as long as you have feeling for him, and he's around. it may never go away

[subrosa]

that's completely dependent in the individuals involved and how open the communication is.

[Asker]

The communication isn't open now at all, only work. Which I'm not sure if it's better or worse!!! Leads to a lot of unsaid tension. I would have preferred to talk about how we deal with it moving forward but he found it easier to cut contact.

[subrosa]

like I said talk about it

[Asker]

Not even an option. He's cut contact :-(

[subrosa]

sorry to hear that

[Anonymous]

Well since you can't get married to each other since you are married to someone else , it will probably never fade, just have to stop seeing each other

[Anonymous]

45 minutes to an hour.

[Asker]

If only that was the case!!

[saga010]

u have feelings for him

[Asker]

And when will they go away?

[saga010]

as long as u dont hold your horses its important as you r married. n jst think if your man does the same wid u without letting u know. n some day u would know that way would that make u feels how much its gonna hurt youuu put yourself in his shoes n think n also decide what is right

[Seppelson]

I has never sexual chemistry faded with someone

[Asker]

I don't understand what you've written. Do you mean you've never had it fade with someone?

[Seppelson]

I never noticed sexual chemistry