Why do guys mistake casual platonic flirting for interest?

Question

So this happens a lot to me. I’m a fairly flirty person in general but unfortunately it tends to give guys the wrong impression a lot. I’ve had instances where I’m just chatting with someone and he thinks I’m interested when I’m just being friendly. And then when I chat with someone else he gets angry saying I lead him on.
like I always call people lovely, use kiss marks and am sexual but in a joking sort of way all the time but guys can never get it’s just a personality trait and not a sign of interest.

How so I maintain my flirtatious traits whilst making sure guys don’t feel they are lead on?

DaveJord · Accepted Answer

Honestly you need to do some real self reflection on about yourself. Because there is not much you can or could do to prevent future misunderstanding's.

All these guys are probably not wrong... guys love flirty girls when she only reserves it for him. But you seem to met all the classic criteria of what men call a "tease". And honestly most guys don't like teases. What makes it worse for you, is that you do not seem to realize that there is anything wrong with it. Teases are people that intentionally or unintentionally lead guys or girls on. Be it on a conscious or subconscious level it makes you feel good about yourself and validates you in some way... when you honestly have no serious interest in person you are flirting with. So it makes you a very insincere, disingenuous and some what selfish person. Its form of "toxic positivity" because its not genuine... you literally presenting and/or acting in away that's not true or heart felt... its just fun and only fun for you.

Consider this hypothetical form the opposite end of the spectrum. Lets say I went around calling women bitches... like even in a joking why I referred to them as bitches all the the time. Even though I claimed I meant nothing by it, and women should not take it seriously because I am just being playful. But at the same time all these women are telling me that I am real sexist jerk... then I come on here asking how I can continue to call women bitches without them thinking I am being a sexist jerk? Well honestly I couldn't get a good or honest answer from anyone that would make it okay... most women would say it is inappropriate behavior and if I did not really think women were bitches I should just stop joking about it all the time. And honestly all the women that told me that would not be wrong.

I feel your flirter nature may impact a lot of potential relationships you could develop and probably contributed to failed past relationships you have had, and definitely negatively impacts how men perceive and respect you as a person.

So you have to do some self reflection and honestly ask yourself if this is the how you want to perceived and if there are some things that you can change about yourself to be a better person. We all make changes about yourselves at some point to become better people. But if you really don't see this a problem for you then I am sure you will eventually find the right person for you.

I am 45, so I am a old hat at the dating game and I have ran into all types of girls like this. So I do not fall for it as easily as most guys. When I meet a girl and she's all flirty I automatically assume she's a tease, so I have my fun with it without taking it too seriously. I can do this as a mature adult male, because I have already determined in my mind your not relationship material and I can disassociate myself from you on a emotional level.

I would not seriously date or fall for a tease. So I would not take it personal like most guys do. Now if I met a girl and she is all flirty and I see after a time of observation that she does not do it with other guys then I will begin to change my mind... but the second I see her doing it with other men then I know her for who she is. Does not mean I can't be friends with her, or get casual... but I would never seriously date someone who can not control their flirty behaviors because I would just find it disrespectful to me as boyfriend if she could not get it under control. I would also assume that you have some deep rooted insecure that drives you act out in this overly flirtatious way as means of self validation.

That's the god honest truth... I am not trying to be overly critical of you or judgy... but at the same time I am not trying not to be all those things. I am just being 100% honest in telling you we should all strive to be the best version of yourselves that we can be.

Tylerstevenson1974 · Accepted Answer

Hello Storm Mistress,

If you are a flirty person that is wonderful! The world needs more friendly flirty people whenever I walk to one I always feel good and warm afterward. Regardless of your nature the person you are flirting with should always go the extra step to determine your interest.

As to why many guys read too much into flirting behavior and how to avoid it well… many guys like myself are keyed into looking for sexual opportunities and speaking for myself I find it hard to turn down any woman if I think she is into me. Occasionally I do run into problems with flirty people as it can be very seductive to talk to someone who you think is into you sexually, and it can be fun, if even for the moment, of getting lost in the fantasy and endorphins of instant attraction.

It’s also import to understand that language and behavioral norms differ between cultures and social groups. Recently on a trip to the southern United States I was surprised by how much affectionate language women used in daily conversation. It was just confusing to me at first until I realized that in the southern United States unlike the north, what I would call ‘flirting talk’ was the norm.

I am generally pretty good ay determining is a woman is actually interested but sometimes I make mistakes and misread the signals. In my experience when a woman wants to avoid romantic outcomes to a convo or rein back flirting I have seen the woman casually mentions that she is in a relationship. It doesn’t really matter if the referenced relationship is real or fictional as long as the relationship is mentioned it sends a message that ‘I am already taken’ and at that point most will disengage from romantic pursuit.

Unfortunately many men are also ignorant and might not get the hint until you bluntly tell them to ‘go away’ but anyone who would get insulted with you has a problem on their end of low self esteem or entitlement.

So I hope that helps! Enjoy flirting you make the world a better place and have fun !

CrazyGirl2 · Accepted Answer

I don’t think it’s a just a guy thing. If you’re attracted to someone and they flirt with you, you’re going to thing they’re interested regardless of what the genders are!
if you’re flirting with a guy, or talking sexually (even if you’re joking) of COURSE he’s going to think you are interested in more. I’m a very flirty person, and like you I also use those emoji’s (💋😘🥰) I mean, they were the first three in my “previously used” page. But I always let guys know right up front. If a guy invites me to go for coffee, or lunch, or even a movie or a dinner, (especially if he says “my treat”), I immediately tell him “well, I’d like to, but only if you understand that it’s JUST friends, I’d hate to give you the wrong idea.” Usually that works, but when you are dealing with guys, it’s better to just pay for yourself like you would automatically do anyway if you were out with female friends. Just understand that most guys are always only a “yes” away from climbing into bed with you! I have had several guy friends admit to me that every woman they see, just walking down the street or in a mall, their very first thought whenever they see a woman is “YES” or “NO” (and that is whether he would have sex w/ her!). So if you are going to be “just friends” w/ a guy, be open and honest, and let him know that this is a friendship, a wonderful friendship, but nothing more.
Also, it’s a REALLY bad idea to be flirty or speak sexually to any guy you’ve just met IRL or only known for a short time. Think about it, if a cute guy was being flirtatious with you, wouldn’t YOU think he “liked” you? I know I would.
Good luck sweetie 😘

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Because of their primitive oogabooga brains when it comes to women.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

The vast majority of women do not flirt unless they have a romantic or sexual interest in a guy. You have the right to be a nonconformist but you should expect to continue being misunderstood. Or you could stop flirting when you don't have more than a platonic interest.

Your choice

Sublime_Master · Answer

You may continue by completely disregarding them and carrying on as you please. Their opinions should be of no consequence to you. Who are they to tell you how to live your life anyway? In this life, you are permitted to do whatever you damn well please, but understand you are not immune to the consequences of your actions. If you would prefer to find a balance then just start with something simple like being more mindful of how others may perceive you. It is certainly important to be kind and respectful to others. But it is also important to be kind and respectful to yourself, perhaps more so. Remember that you are in no way obligated to be understood or approved of by others. It is your life, not theirs. And if you begin to bend to the desires and expectations of others you will be diluting who you truly are, and once you make the first compromise or concession it will be that much easier to justify doing so again. This path that hinges your happiness and self-worth upon the perceptions of other people doesn't lead anywhere good, and once started, it is a path few turn from because they have invested so much of their identity in others. Don't worry if others accept or misinterpret you, just make sure they do right by you. Their judgements are their own so let them keep them. Be yourself and hold your head high, you are worth it.

Anonymous · Answer

I guess it depends on the specific flirting (often we guys don't know if you are or not because it's too subtle), but also our logical minds think "why would she bother flirting if there's no romantic interest?". For you it's probably "fun", but it's not for us in any way (and that's just selfish in my opinion). But, I think it's also a case sometimes where it doesn't happen very often to us either. Example if you're just chatting and being friendly, not many people are like that with strangers, and especially for us guys. So put yourself in our shoes for a second, you go most of the time with the opposite sex not giving you the time of day, to all of the sudden someone is giving you attention. You mind just kind of naturally goes to "maybe they like me!". Or wishful/hopeful thinking maybe. Now when you get to "kiss marks and am sexual but in a joking sort of way all the time but guys can never get it’s just a personality trait and not a sign of interest" - even so, you can't expect people to know that about you, especially strangers. And look at that for a second, what does a kiss mark just on it's own, imply? Guys often take things literally. A heart or kiss suggests romantic interest in general right? I know women use it a lot and it doesn't necessarily "mean" that, but we'll see it that way, especially if we don't know you. So you might have to think twice about doing that, because even though it's "how you are", you know that a guy is probably going to take it as a sign of romantic interest. Or at least question it. Let him get to know you a bit first before showing him this side of yourself maybe? And think about it in the reverse, I know it's mostly considered a "girl thing", but what if a guy acted like that towards you, wouldn't you question if it meant romantic interest? I'm guessing you wouldn't take it as harmless flirting either?

Novacane · Answer

I mean what confuses me most is the fact that you know that you are intentionally flirting yet continue to do it when you know the outcome yet you are confused why it happens. You need to understand that most guys do not get attention from women at all, so when they meet someone that is nice let alone "flirting" with them (even tho that is not your intention but still willingly doing it) they are going to think you are interested in them so it's common that will happen, the easiest thing to do is to stop being flirty but doesn't seem like you want to do that

mstbooblover · Answer

The way we behave, dress, walk, talk, greet, etc. is mostly kind of body language. Maybe you should take better care of your way to address people, and thus avoid most misunderstandings. The guys on the other hand should also be a bit more careful, but you can't blame him for reacting to a message he believes to be genuine. Subtelness in any form of language, as well detecting as emitting, is also something we all must learn according the culture we were raised in. All cultures have many different rules.

tommyvegas7618 · Answer

Because men are dogs and think a lot about only one thing when talking to women.

However, your going to have a hard time with your SO if you continue to do this unless he's absolutely sure and trusting of you that your "natural" way of being is completely platonic. Most men cannot or have not developed a mental maturity to think beyond their penis, including apparently your boyfriend. It's a fact and expect it to continue. Without just plainly telling men you're not interested (especially the ones you interact with all the time) you'll either be considered leading, a tease, or worse. Find a man that understands this, if you are truly this person and I say be you; just know that most cannot, not see this as interest. Good luck.

Tylerstarkey · Answer

Damn a lot of guys here aren’t exactly the fun type 😂
But I do understand the fact that any flirting is a sign of some sexual interest ”SOME”

if you flirt and pitch innuendos constantly to person don’t be surprised if they ask you out etc
I flirt all the time with colleagues friends etc And they do the same
It’s a nice way to know there is slight interest and talking with them is fun

but it has to be done tactfully 😂 it sounds to me that you actually get a kick out of misleading people

SenileOldMan · Answer

It might not even be a mistake. A girl touches me and hugs me a lot and I am single and I think it is an opportunity. The more timid guys think in terms of, "She likes me, she likes me not." I never thought that way. I thought, "Given what she has done, do I have enough here to make her like me?" And I make mistakes like anyone else.

But sometimes I think if a woman would entertain my touch, words, just enough, that I can melt her. It's my ego talking. But it has worked more often than not, and even won over my wife, that I don't want to take this type of hint. I won my wife over an elevator by the way. I jammed the emergency button bringing the elevator to a stop and pulled her for a kiss on the first date. If I timed it wrong and misjudged the situation, I would have been like the guys who annoyed you. But I was lucky, and now I'm her husband.

JSmuve · Answer

Probably because flirting IS a sign of interest. The fact is what you're doing to be "friendly", another girl might do to show aggressive interest in a guy. All women are not you and most probably are not as overt as you.

A question to ask yourself would be, what do you do differently to show a guy that you're interested in him beyond your normal flirtatiousness?

Here, answer this
What's your dominant flirting style?

loveslongnails · Answer

I wonder if it depends a lot on the guy's situation. If he's involved and content, he may think "ok, she's either really friendly, or interested in me", but he won't think he's being lead on. The guys who are single, but not desperate, will likely think "hmmm, she may be interested in me", while the single desperate guys will assume you're interested and be angry if you don't follow up your flirtations.

The only "one fits all" remedy I can think of would be acting much more reserved and not being touchy-feely, with anyone. But since that's not your personality, you probably can't do that. I guess you should continue "being you", and if some guys mistake it for sexual interest, or interest in general, that's their problem.

Phoenix-gb · Answer

Unless you make it very clear from the start, you're not going to stop this from happening. Guys keep being told women won't be direct in their interest, they'll hint. Flirting is exactly this, so unless you preface your interactions with why you're not interested in them, they will see it as a sign of interest and get hurt when it's not.

Adam1978 · Answer

It's simple women normally are completely trash when it comes to actually signalling what they want. You need to look at very small hints, if women was straight forward and direct this wouldn't been a problem. But you aren't so when you break the formula and are a crappy joker you get the expected results. Because everything you say but don't mean isn't a joke. You must make it perfectly clear it's irony. That is on you as a joker.

MrNameless · Answer

You answered your own question right there. Flirting generally means/shows interest to people.

If you don't want people/guys to think you are interested in them, don't flirt with them. Otherwise if you have no intention, they will think you are leading them on and it leads to headaches for both parties.

Lionman95 · Answer

Because how shall we know if many if not most women use flirting and making sexual remarks as a sign of interest?
Guys and girls communicate differently and therefore I think it's something you have to live with unless you don't clarify at some point that you're nit interested in anything deeper.

Mikeysoda · Answer

Well, because what's the difference between this platonic flirting and romantic flirting? Are you being friendly or flirting? I don't think they are the same. To answer the question, I think you are giving them the wrong message with your flirting. Flirting is flirting.

AncientWisdom · Answer

Most women don’t do those things unless they are interested in you. Then ones who do , and then say “ oh I didn’t mean to give you that impression.” Used to have a name in my say. They called them a COCK TEASE That’s what it sounds like , you like the attention , but won’t reciprocate when they show interest. I bet they do get irritated at you.

jaybee281 · Answer

Well I'm like that too but I can't blame the other person for thinking I'm leading them on - It's a question of perspective - from their point of view I "talk like that with everyone" why? Because I'm a lying prick - From my point of view I do "talk like that with everyone" why? Because it's fun and it does get me on a roll in a way - But still they can't be blamed for thinking that way - As there is no such thing as "platonic flirting" - It's like the sun is cold it doesn't make any sense

MrCommodore · Answer

I usually watch how a girl behaves with other guys first, that determines her general baseline behaviour and makes it easier to understand whether she is really into me or not.

_Damien · Answer

Because flirting is the act of expressing sexual and/or romantic interest in an indirect, playful manner.
If you are indicating that you are interested and then say "oh, I'm not actually interested" then expect people to get the wrong idea.

It's YOU who is misusing flirting, don't blame the other party.

JasM0 · Answer

The term ‘casual platonic flirting’ is an oxymoron. It's a confusing practice and socially dangerous in the era of #MeToo.  Regards

Why do guys mistake casual platonic flirting for interest?

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