She says we need time away to heal but deep inside of me I feel so sad and depressed. Please help me.

[brokenheart0703]

We were together for 8 years, we fought and hurt each other so much but we were always really really attached even if we fought. I take most of the blame, I treated her really bad the whole time. She also hid so much from me. 2 months ago, we broke up for good. I fought against her family and it got really bad. She left me and went on to another guy she was already talking to so they dated right away as soon as she left me. For the last 2 months we kept contact to a minimal through emails. She suggested on email 3 weeks ago a place to go get help with my problems and to be a better person, I'm currently going now.2 weeks ago I invited her to concert she said it was too early to hang out and that it wouldn't be fair to me or her boyfriend. She said it was too soon. So I let her have my tickets so she could go with her best female friend. Her friend picked them up frm my mailbox. Well I got hopeful, she thanked me so much for doin that for her. She said her and her female friend had a lot of fun. We were emailing 2 times per week. Well last week I brought up I wanted to give her a present for Christmas and she said it was up to me and that she was also thinking of giving me one. I got more excited. But then today 5 days later, she changes her mind and writes this to me:

heeey...so I guess I was thinking, & it may not be a good idea for us to talk as much or to get gifts for each other now..i really appreciate the thought but we should prb take more time apart to heal & get better and for you to continue getting the great help & be with your family & to keep making better choices..i dnt want us to ruin anything or our potential future friendship by trying to talk too soon - let's heal fully this time & I want you & your fam to be happy so I should give you plenty of time to keep doing great things - esp with school! I'm so proud & if you want to drop off any of the phone bill money or the rest etc let me know, otherwise take care, happy holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and wish you the best always :D

so that's pretty much what she said to me. It seems like she changed her mind. But I wrote back to her and said I understand and that I know we need time to heal. I don't know why she needs it though if she's got a boyfriend right now so I figure she's only doing it for me so that I can heal. Deep inside of me, it's breaking my heart. I miss her so much and it's going to feel so lonely to spend this Christmas without her. Does she only want my friendship in the future based on her email? There's no way to ever win her back once I get better in some months?

[katzie105]

Man, you really need to stop. Stop trying to evaluate and find hidden meanings in her e-mails. Listen, you need to look at the reality of this situation as much as it sucks. 1. The relationship you had with her, although long, and althought you were "attached" was toxic. It was not healthy or productive to either of you. Being in a relationship where you constantly hurt the other and cause the other pain is NOT a relationship anyone wants to be in, no matter how much time has gone by. At that point, I am going to go on a limb and say she was with you out of obligation and because so much time had gone by that she didn't know how to end it. Just look at what was going on. She was so unhappy, that she was talking to other men. She allowed herself to become open emotionally to other men. She is now with that other man, and she is HAPPY. I think that should clue you in as to the downward spiral of this relationship.

I think she had hoped to have a friendship with you, but it's clear to her that you are in no way ready for a friendship or any sort of relationship with her. She is acknowledging that you need to really start moving on, start focusing on yourself, and start getting help for your problems. And please, don't go to this therapy or counseling thinking that she'll get back with you if you do it. You should be in that program for yourself, and yourself only.

I don't see any indication that she still loves you, or wants to get back with you. She indicates she hopes for a "friendship" and she wishes you the best always. Obviously she cares about you, but I think the relationship ship has sailed. There is only so much a person can deal with before they shut down, and move on from an unhealthy, toxic relationship.

You're so dependent on this woman. You are an individual are in an extremely unhealthy mindset. Stop worrying about if she'll get back together with you. Odds are, she will NOT. She was talking to this guy while WITH you. If she wanted it to work with you, she would have suggested couples counseling, or would have made an effort to fix it while with you. Instead, she had an emotional affair, left you and got with the guy. I did the same thing with my ex. I was so miserable and I wound up meeting someone else. I had an emotional affair, and I left my boyfriend for him. My ex then kept begging and hoping I'd come back. I never did and he wasted so many months thinking I eventually would. I honestly don't even see a friendship happening with this girl for a VERY long time, so don't even concern yourself with that. From here on out it's about you. And you only. Not her. Not if she'll get back. Not about her new boyfriend. Not about gifts or e-mails. Today, from this day forward, is NO CONTACT.

[tibanez]

Sorry in advance that this is so long!

Who knows what her true intentions are. About a year ago, I ended an 8 year long relationship with my ex. He treated me badly and I blame most of our problems on him, although I definitely contributed to our dysfunctional relationship. I started talking to another man toward the end of our "relationship", but by that time, we might as well have already been broken up. I entered into a serious relationship with the other man about a month after we broke up. My ex and I had gone back and forth several times during our 8 year long relationship and always got back together. This time, I knew the only way for me NOT to go back to him was to cut myself off from him completely. Once I did that, he actually started making some changes- went to church, priorities changed, apologized for his wrongdoings... I was really confused. He begged me to give him another chance and told me all of the things he would change this time (which were things he never acknowledged before so I knew he actually did some self-reflection). I opened the lines of communication- we talked on the phone, texted and I even "went to visit him" a couple times. I felt guilty because I had a boyfriend at home, who loved me and had no idea I was communicating with my ex, and I felt sad and confused because I SWORE to myself and my family that I would never get back with my ex but I began to question myself. I ended up having to tell him that we can't talk anymore. I told him that we both needed time to work on ourselves and that it is just too soon because I am still hurt. I DO question whether or not we will get back together. I miss him. We were together for 8 years... that is a long time! In my head, I compare my current boyfriend to him and I catch myself wanting to call my new boyfriend by my ex's name all the time. I am still in pain but it is because we aren't together... not because of how he treated me. My boyfriend would be livid if he found out we were communicating and my family would probably just about disown me. If I lived in my own little world and I was the only one who mattered, I would probably continue talking to him but by talking to him, I hurt my current relationship, jeopardize my relationship with my family and fall back into a relationship with someone who, in the past, hurt me deeply. I have no way in knowing if he has truly changed and I have too much to lose by letting myself get close to someone who may fall back into treating me like sh*t again. And... I DO NOT believe that two people can be just friends after an 8 year long relationship. Especially, not this soon. This might not be at all what your ex is feeling but just thought I would share my experience. :)

[Tamikaze]

This was a great, from-the-heart statement. And I so agree that 2 people cannot be friends after a long-term relationship. I think they can and should be friendly, but that would only matter if you randomly bumped into each other or you have children together. Beyond that, you shouldn't be trying to hang out. It doesn't work.

[brokenheart0703]

she must feel the same way. Her family hated me 2 months ago and it led to her taking decision in leaving me and chosing the other guy she was already talking to. She probably gets advice from family that if she wants me to get over her then she needs to stop talking to me for now until she knows I'm completely healed. I like your story, it's inspiring.

[BirdofParadise]

I am sort of in her shoes at the moment (only I am not rebounding). My ex had a lot of issues that he needed to deal with on his own and couldn't make time for me. We broke up because he needed space and I needed someone who had the time, and wanted to spend it with me. He wanted to remain freinds, but I told him I need to focus on moving on and can only do that if we have absolutely no contact. It was really hard for me to say that to him, and every day I desperately wish he would disrespect my request and call, message or just show up on my doorstep... but I know that if he did that, it would just put me back as square one.

So from my point of veiw this is how I see it... your ex is rebounding right now, but she probably still misses you. You were together for 8 years, it takes time to get over that. So even though she is with someone else, she is probably still hurting just like you are. By asking for space she is trying to let go and move on and is hoping you will be able to do the same thing.

[brokenheart0703]

does it mean she plans to talk to me in the future?

[BirdofParadise]

Maybe, but don't sit around waiting for that.

[brokenheart0703]

yeah I know it will only hurt me thinking like that. I've seen so many pretty girls, including more than my ex but yet I always think my ex is stil better. Perhaps because I'm blindly in love with her. For the last 8 years I depended on my decisions because of her so now I don't know which decisions to take or who to seek aproval from. I would always get her approval before doing something and now that she is gone I don't know how I'll do it on my own because I do feel lonely.

[BirdofParadise]

Its hard to adjust to life without someone who had been there for you for so long... but you will get through it

[Phoenix52]

Listen up.

Let ... her ... go. No matter how much you want her back, you won't get her. She's already moved on and has a new boyfriend. So you should fix yourself up, do your own sh*t, and meet new girls.

It's not fair for the boyfriend either. I've dealt with girls who never got over their exes. And due to that, they lost me. But for good measure, because since they still wanted their exes back, they weren't even considered on the dating market (to me).

Oh, and about the friendship? FORGET IT. Don't even bother trying to be her casual friend. It won't work out, and can complicate sh*t. Do you seriously want to bring potential drama to her new life?

I know, I know. 8 years. Holy crap, that was a long time. Good work, and it was a great time. Remember the times you had. But honestly, it's time to find someone new and start over. But give yourself time to recover.

[brokenheart0703]

I guess I have no option now but to be without her. I was so dependent on her so I need to start somewhere. I don't know how yet but I've cried yesterday and today a lot. We had agreed to exchange presents by today and out of nowhere she changed her mind.

[martyfellow]

First of all, someone who dates anotther guy immediately after 8 years is planning on not coming back, so all this about gifts and keeping in touch is her just being polite, and wanting to spare your feelings and not throw you into a depression.

I think she should be more honest with you...but of course I don't know the situation as well as she does.

Plan on her being gone for good, drop most contact, forget gifts and things like that that imply you're still together.

I'm not saying it's impossible for you to get back together, but plan on the separation being permanent, that way you won't be disappointed when you realize she's gone for good. You'll be overjoyed if you're wrong and she suggests restarting!

Be open to meeeing new people, don't hesitate on her account. Seek out new people, in fact, as she has done.

[brokenheart0703]

well she said she wants me as a friend only but that I gotta heal first because I'm someone she doesn't wanna lose out of her life as a friend. I'm assuming she is in love with this new guy of hers now.

[martyfellow]

I would't assume anything about the new guy, it could be some sort of rebound. But stlll, assume she's not coming back! That's pretty safe. I think the stuff about being a friend is just politeness and wanting to spare your feelings. I'd concentrate on meeting new people, not spend much time chatting with her.

[martyfellow]

Best answer, no?

[brokenheart0703]

I know. I'm surprised because just 2 weeks ago she was so nice with me and told me she's here for me and to hit her up whenever and told me that maybe sometime in the future we will hang out but not now because she wants me to hange that controlling jealous person inside of me and that she wanted to prove her family in the future that they were wrong about me and that I'm a changed man. But I'll move on without her. There's so many pretty girls lol, I just need to have the guts to talk to them.

[martyfellow]

If she just wanted you to change, she'e wait a LITTLE before starting with another guy! The fact she didn't tells me she's just being nice to you, she's planning on not coming back!

[Tamikaze]

You know what, breakups suck. The longer you were together, the more they suck.

This is the problem, you want to get back together and she does not. She wants to be friendly and nice, that is clear. But ex's should not be going to concerts together, exchanging Christmas gifts or talking like friends. If both of you were emotionally moved on from your relationship, you wouldn't even be trying to do any of this. All your actions are showing her that you have not moved on, but she has.

So, you recognize you treated her badly and you did this for 8 years. You have worn her out, no doubt. I would definitely not hold my breathe that she will ever get back together. Overall I have to say that once you have worn all the love out of a woman and she has this level of strength to move on, well she is unlikely to have that passion for you anymore that kept her sticking with you for 8 bad years. It is a real shame you did not find a way to resolve your problems on your own, sooner. You are now paying a big price for that inaction. The best you can take away from this is to actually work through your problems and not do this to the next person you get lucky enough to connect with in the future. Good luck!

[yeahwho]

Your thinking wrong. She is no longer your girlfriend and yes that hurts so bad. I'm sorry you have to feel such pain and loss. FEEL it...give yourself permission to go through grieving your loss or you will continue to suffer. Accept it and accepting it will begin to allowing yourself to breathe in midst of your pain, to feel joy when you know something is dead and to feel life worth living when it hurts your heart beyond belief. FEEL it...and begin letting her go, you must stop all contact and begin giving your mind peace.

[brokenheart0703]

she told me that maybe someday in the future we can hang out but that now it was too soon. I already know a lot has to do with her new boyfriend. She wants to be my friend once she knows I'm completely over my feelings for her. I've cried so much. Even today, it doesn't feel right to not have her here with me for Christmas eve. When she said she's giving me plenty of time she is trying to tell me enough time for me to get over her 1st?

[yeahwho]

Doesnt matter what she says...irrelevant, because she is no longer in your decision making. You need to forget her... right now. YOu can always come back to it at a later time but right now you have to forget her, let her go and be accepting of what is in the HERE N NOW. . #1 stay away from her/dnt call, text or answer anything for at least 3wks for startere.#2 stay away from abused substances #3Be gentle with yourself while recovering. eat well, dress well, go and stay in when need to. GRIEVE THIS

[westman74]

Take this as a chance to work on you... Go work out and build up a good sweat. Do the things that make you happy. If you are lonley hang out with friends. Or if you need a girl in your life go buy some nice clothes and try meeting some women. I used to meet tons just by going to a big book store. Main thing is focus on you now. Be selfish and take care of you. If its meant to be she will see you moved on and are doing great and who kows maybe someday...

[brokenheart0703]

yes I agree, I feel really lonely without her. I was so used to her and now that she's been gone for 2 months, I feel devastated. Is she suggesting we can only be friends in the future?

[Anonymous]

Forget it. It's over. Over before you guys even broke up. Done. Finished.

You need to heal, so STOP ALL CONTACT WITH HER.

Just come to the conclusion that you're done with her and it's time for a new life in 2012.

So rebuild, restore, reinvent yourself.

Forget this chick. Stop with the "oh, she was my love, I'm heartbroken." It happens to all of us. The pain is gut wrenching, but reminiscing about it only makes it worse. Think about all the times she turned you down, yelled at you, etc.

Give up on trying to win her back or any of that nonsense. It's time for your new life. And it'll be a great one if you decide to make it so.

[Opinion Owner]

PS - Learn from your mistakes and don't repeat your bad behaviors ever again in any of your future relationships.

[Jujubaby12]

honestly I don't think he wants you back . 1 she has a boyfriend and 2 she's telling you that you guys shouldn'y should be talknig so soon. I think she just wants you to give her some space and in my opinion you should. Don't write her or anything and act like you forgot about her , trust me. She'll come right back but it takes time

[LisaBarbie]

Dude your so doomed. She basically just told you to stay out of her life in a really nice way. I guess you just have to accept that she's moved on but this doesn't mean you guys can't be friends. Ur best bet is to work on fixing the friendship you guys have

[yeahwho]

Jus want to say hope your doing OK and that your not alone.

[brokenheart0703]

well it's Christmas today and I have done nothing but cry. It's shocking that she's not here with me. iwe grew up together as teenagers from freshman year to going out official in 2004. Always togeher and attached. I regret doing all that I did but it's too late now. I love her and will always keep her in my heart. I love her enough to see her happy with her new boyfriend. It hurts, but it's for the best, she deservesto be happy and not feel tormented when she was with me :'( goodbye my lover.

[yeahwho]

Hey well I'm crying with u. F***the holidays anyways.I'm. Alone tooo.I'm sending you a hug via mail OK because your a good guy. Keep the past wher it is and challenge yourself to anew memory a gift