Why do I always attract emotionally unstable guys?

[Anonymous]

I always seem to attract guys who are emotionally unstable who had a bad past, bad relationship, etc. They like me and open up to me and make me feel like I made a difference in their life but then they can't commit to me. meanwhile, they told me their life story. Why do I always seem to attract this type of guy and then they never wanna go out with me? do you think that cause they told me alot, that's why they'd rather have me as a friend? (they are attracted to me) or do you think they can't have a relationship cause of how emotionally unstable they are?

[lost-angel]

I think it is a reverse situation of when a girl leads a guy on, with no intention of dating him.

The whole "bad past, bad relationship..etc" are excuses. It's like, "it's not you, it's me" line, or "I'm just not ready for a relationship". As valid as they sound, I honestly think they are just lame excuses.

They like you, enjoy your company, and wonder what it would be like to be with you... but after getting to know you better they realize they are not interested in you, that way. They eventually realize they led you on, and so they make up excuses to push you away, and hope you can accept them as Just a friend. I'm not saying these guys were lying about their past, I'm sure they had a bad past, bad relationships, and weird issues... I mean, we ALL do. We all had a bad relationship in the past, or something bad in the past.. Most girls who just want to stay friends with a guy usually say "You're a really nice guy, and any girl would be lucky to be your girlfriend...", or "My ex treated me bad..." etc.

If the guy wants to be with you, he will, regardless of his past. If he made the mistake before then why would he make another one with someone "amazing"?

[Asker]

True, but at the same time some of these guys are soo emotionally unhealthy that I thinks its more them. cause even after not wanting to committ to me they still contact me and I can see they regretted not dating me but know deep down that they can't have a relationship. myabe its just bad timing. so would you say the guys just weren't interested?

[twinklebee]

oh yeah I know the type, but you can't let them get you down, you probably made a difference in their life in some weird way, but it might have helped them, even if they just move on to the next available girl in sight.

trust me on this, I fell for a guy that was really unstable, and I guess you could say we kinda dated, for maybe three days then somehting happened and he kept blaming me for it, even though it wasn't my fault and I did nothing wrong in my opinion. anyways I am just friends with him now, and I think we were only meant to be friends, just because for some odd reason I still care, just not in a rlationship way.

but you can still be there for those guys meanwhile looking for the one guy your meant for, or the one guy that you deserve :)

[Anonymous]

baby its not you its ur bad choices.u like to feel needed and make a difference in people lives that's y you get attracted to the same type.my advice is start seeing people who aren't ur time even if you dnt like them at first they might turn out to be perfect for you and responsible.most of the guys you are talking about dnt want commitment not because of you but because they dnt know what a real relation means.so dnt blame yourself just change ur choices

[Chaaz]

Yeah I think I might be one of those guys. You can't generalize about "emotionally unstable"

e.g

I am emotionally unstable around certain races of women, but for my own specific reasons.

But my problem is I am white and live in asia. My mother is asian and she was such a nag when I was young (still is ha ha even though she is a lovely lady at times), and I have developed a sort of phobia of asian women. So I would find it significantly harder to commit to asian women, since there is some psychological fear/transferance whereby I think all asian girls will end up being naggy like my mother.

In japan, this fear of the mother has translated into horrible porn and cruelty against women. But at least I am not as disturbed as that. I am not serial killer or anything ha.

But I have no trouble committing to white women. I just find asian women harder to connect to and exrea effort has to bemade.

[LoveYourself17]

I think it's more about them than you. Perhaps they are attracted towards you because they want stability since they don't have it themselves? I'm sure the right person will come along eventually but just think for a moment that you made a difference in their lives and that is something to be proud about!

[doctorwhofan23]

That is very true you probably made them feel very happy and look I am a shy guy and I am be like one of the unstable people you talk about sometimes a person like you may really help the guy out.

[QwentyJ]

Would you, by any chance, classify yourself as a Good listener? It sounds like they just want a girl to listen to their problems and make them feel confident.

When dating them, if they talk about they're ex's far too much, or talk about themselves rather than finding about you - avoid!

[Asker]

Kinda, they mention the exes and themselves and seem to listen to me as well and ask but are a bit more into themselves. I ama good listener btw. why should I avoid? lol

[twinklebee]

You should avoid because if they don't want to know about you then, they are not really that interested in you that way ;)

and they just see you as someone for them to vent to and let out their problems to :)

[ashley90]

I tend to have the same problem! I attract guys who act like they are crazy about me and we become really close and they share everything and I help them through their problems.. Then they drop me for someone else. Always happens. I don't know what advice to give either. I've just learned that it is something I have to deal with. One of these times, you'll become close to the right guy and he won't leave you. :)

[Asker]

Yeah another thing; they go for someone else! how can they even have a relationship with how unstable they are?

[ashley90]

They can't! And when they do, it will just be an unstable relationship. Everyone, guys and girls, need to learn that they have to be able to stand on their own two feet before they can be in a relationship. Usually in my case, the guys just get bored and want someone new or never even had any intentions of dating me in the first place. It really does get ridiculous.

[Asker]

I don't get why they tell us how imprtant we are, and mean it, and are attracted to us but then just wanna be friends. I think its cause we met them when they were at their worst point, then they became ready but just wanted us as friends cause they feel they told us too much and feel weird about it. also, they don't wanna lose us a friends and feel that frienship lasts longer than trying with us and losing us. in the end they willalways still contact me though...so I feel they are gonna come bac

[ashley90]

See.. I kind of agree, but at the same time, I've learned to not get my hopes up. There was this guy that I fell hard for and he was going through a rough time with his gf. We were just friends but they ended up breaking up. It killed him but he always said how I made him smile even though he was going through crap. And we ended up "talking" and he would drive two hours to see me and he acted crazy about me. But then out of the blue stopped talking to me. I had in my mind that once I went to....

[ashley90]

College where he was going (because I was in the middle of a transfer) he would be ready to be with me. Had it in my mind for months. Well I'm here now, and he ignored me because he was a big player but now he has a girlfriend. I don't see it lasting very long. But I will never take him back for doing that. I just believe they really do like us but then they change their minds and get bored. I just can't wait to find the one who doesn't get bored.

[Asker]

Why do they get bored then? :(. and they obviously get bored with new girls too but at least they gave them a chance. some guys don't actuay go out with other girls. do you think they are bored casue they told us so much?

[ashley90]

No.. I believe they are just bored because they see someone else that catches their eye and they realize they are ready for a change. There really isn't anything we can do.. It's part of life, girls do it as well. Although I think guys are just a little worse about it. I don't think it has anything to do with them telling us so much, that should make them want to stay. But I've realized that it isn't something we can worry and stress about. We just have to hope for the best every time.

[Asker]

I know it just makes me feel personal about it, I'm not boring at all yet I keep getting guys like that. I don't know I thinks it something besides boredness

[ashley90]

It's not that YOU are boring, they are just bored with the idea of a monogamous relationship. I'm not a boring person either.. quite the opposite actually. I don't think its our personalities they get bored with, just the monogamy. They just find something they like better, or just aren't ready to be with serious with someone.

[Asker]

Oh ok lol. that makes more sense I wasnt sure I thought personality. true very true. cause mentally unstable guys are all over the place so their eyes will be too. and aslo the guy I like had a verbally abuisve ex that fought with him and he was inlove with her, they weren't compatible but I guess it was interesting to him, since we got along so well it probably seemd boring for him to go out with me

[ashley90]

True. There are always the guys who hate perfect relationships. I know its horrible but it is true. My ex always tried to pick fights just because he was bored. And now that we are broken up he will still do it to me just because "he thinks its hot"? Its crazy and not worth our time.

[Jayne]

Story of my life. You give them the love, understanding and attention theyve never had. They don't know how to commit, how to love, because no one has loved them properly before...or theyve gotten their heart miserably broken and are emotionally "ruined" so to speak.

[Asker]

I know! it sucks cause they are unavailable and you want them.

[Takkunlee]

I used to do that a lot. My problem was the opposite though. They would fall fast and then realize that they are too emotionally unstable for a relationship. I think that they need to love themselves and sort out their internal struggles before they can love another person. Try to look for the more stable ones. They're more of a challenge to get them to open up but once they do it's well worth it. good luck. :)

[Asker]

Exactly. mores table people are less willing to open up. unstable people pour their hearts out. my friends always tell me I go for unstable guys. lol

[gotrandom]

guys who had a first love is hard to get over, espically if you already gave your heart to someone else already its hard to love again if you've already been hurt, I'm not saying its impossible but yeah its harder, you prob should see a guy first before dating them, maybe that might help, so you get to know them before you date them.

[Anonymous]

I think it may be a bit of both sometimes having a girl who is just a friend can be a person who can be a comforting person, while they also may not want to go out with you because they think they can't handle a relationship because they are unstable.

[Anonymous]

I know the feeling. The two girls I felt closest to were also very unstable. First they'd be all over me then the next minute they'd act like they want nothing to do with me. These women were also on the rebound but I will end it next time I spot someone who acts this way. Way too draining and emotionally taxing to keep seeing women like that.

[KnifeParty]

you've got it backwards. you're blaming the guys for your choices.

why do you keep dating these kinds of guys?

why don't you bail out at the first sign of this behavior?

[Anonymous]

maybe you're the nurturing type and you show that you care and they flock to you

[Asker]

Yeah I thinks so