I like a man with Asperger's Syndrome

Question

I don't "crush" (I feel like such a kid saying that) on people usually, so I was extremely surprised when I began feeling such strong emotions for one specific man in particular. I am always thinking of him, and not in a lustful, desirous way... but in a true, fond, warmth, "love."

He has Asperger's Syndrome, except it seems mild and you really wouldn't notice or assume that by meeting him. He is somewhat quiet (but quite able to hold conversation), has strong interests (which we share in common), but has adapted much better and differs so much more than the obsessive, shy, peculiar, "momma's boy" types usually seen on TV.

I have done a lot of reading concerning AS, but I want to hear from people who have it/have experience with those whom have it. Everyone is unique and individual, I understand, though.

I'm not confident in the "flirting" field (or anything related)... and I don't think I want to do any traditional flirting. We don't live close by, either. Ideally, I just want us to grow closer without him feeling trapped, controlled, pressured, or suffocated.

Advice would be wonderful. Thank you.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I have it. I'm alright. The most common traits I've seen are a really deep interest in one thing or another. One might even call it an obsession. I have my little obsessions. My passions in life. Sometimes they come and go, and go from one thing to another. It often drives me to get educated on something, which is why I can hold a conversation so well. Often times quite an intelligent conversation. This seems to be a common trait. Another seems to be high intelligence. As does an attention to detail.

Beyond that, though, it's a syndrome. Meaning things are going to be vastly different from one person to the next. Just about every other "Aspy" or "Sperg" I've met has been a completely different person, with completely different problems, and behavior . Completely different rules about what makes them so awkward. Most of them though, myself included, will come across as somewhat normal with something... off... about them. Just try to roll with it, though.

I don't know about your guy, but for the most part, I say treat him like any other guy. Recognize that something about him will be socially awkward, and try to adapt accordingly. Maybe he'll be shy, maybe he won't. Maybe he'll have social anxiety issues, or some OCD qualities, who knows. Whatever comes, just try to show care, and understanding, but after that, just treat him like a guy. This includes trying to figure out if he's into you or not. Monitor how he is with you.

As for flirting with him, the challenge, here, is that some guys with this condition kinda suck when it comes to picking up on subtleties. (But hey, some guys just suck at this without A.S. so whatever.) In fact in some cases even broad strokes might be completely missed. Some cases of A.S. take things too literally, or at face value. It's worth remembering this. So, I say try to flirt with him, or hit on him, as you would anyone else, but remember that he might not have picked up on it.

One thing I could recommend is just starting small, and working your way up, and if nothing happens, your last choice is to either go bold and tell him everything, or just give up.

Now I covered how to see if he likes you. It might be obvious. It might be subtle. For the most part, I think it would be like with anyone else. As for whether he dislikes you, from my experiences, I'm gonna go ahead and guess that if he didn't like you, he would be blunt about it. He'd make it known. I think you'd know by now. If he hasn't made it clear, then at least that's one thing less you have to worry about. So there's that.

Uh... Hmm... I think I covered a bit. Don't you? So, was this of any help to you?

TurbulentDan12 · Accepted Answer

I don't have experience with AS either with myself or friends, but I do have some from being a somewhat shy guy who had some anxiety socially. I'll speak to that and if there are things I'm missing about AS itself feel free to ask anything because I'll admit I'm not an expert on behavior of people with AS

While you may not be confident in flirting, I am fairly certain he'll be more afraid of it than you will. Because of this it seems clear that you'll have to be a bit more assertive than normal with him in getting his attention.

Not living close to him may be a blessing in disguise. For a shy guy its actually much easier to open up to a girl with an indirect method. Texting/chatting are probably going to be more comfortable for him than a face to face conversation. So I would say make an active effort to be friendly with him and get in touch with him like that.

You should use the chance to get to know him to let him get to know you as well. Because, what is important here is him developing that trust for you and the comfort level that he can talk to you wherever. This will be harder than with most guys, but will pay off greatly if you go through with it. This is what I feel any shy guy wants. A girl who really makes it a point to be in their life. A girl who doesn't expect the shy guy to muster up all the confidence and make the moves if she is more willing. If you cut out the hard work for him, it comes down to how much he likes you

As far as that, if he's talking to you freely and more frequently than other people its a good hint that he likes you. It's hard to know if he likes you as more than a friend from what you said. You have to see how he talks to you compared to his other friends. Any guy AS or not is going to treat a girl he likes a bit differently than a girl who is just a friend.

Good luck...just remember patience is key. A shy/reserved guy is hard to crack but can be the most loyal if you really do gain their trust and affection

why-makoto-kun · Accepted Answer

I dated two guys who claimed to have Asperger's... worst relationships ever. However, I don't believe they really had Asperger's. One, who claimed he was officially diagnosed, I suspect really had Narcisstic Personality Disorder with Antisocial tendencies (sociopathic, lacking empathy despite having friends). The other, unofficially diagnosed, I suspected had Antisocial Personality disorder with Intermittent Explosive Anger disorder.

All I can say is just be careful and take things slow. Be super direct with him. If you think you can handle it (consider things like his possible difficulty reading emotion and how that can strain a relationship) by all means go for it, but do not rush anything, and always listen to your gut with this. If something feels manipulative and doesn't feel right, the Asperger's may be a misdiagnosis for a different syndrome, even if he doesn't realize it himself.

Just to clarify, I am aware there are people who really have Autism and Asperger's, and they can absolutely have good character like everyone else. I'm just saying that some people will take those conditions (or other mental issues/disorders) and RUN with it, blaming their character flaws and personality shortcomings on that. As someone who struggles with OCD, anxiety and depression, I can say that having a disorder or mental illness does not give you an excuse to be a jerk. Due to my experiences, I think I will never date someone who claims to have Asperger's ever again.

Cormycakez · Accepted Answer

I have ADHD but when I was younger I had Aspergers traits (they are on the same spectrum). One of the big things Is even if you could flirt with him, he might not perceive it. I taught myself body language at 15 when I realized I didn't know it (I knew what smiles and frowns meant of course, but that's about it). Another thing with a lot of people on the spectrum is everything is black and white, it took me a long time to see gray (now its all I see). He might take things more literally than you would (poor grasp of sarcasm is an example, took me a while to figure that one out too, but now I use it regularly). If you just want to grow closer, just act like you would to a friend. Its how I'm used to treating every prospective relationship.

snowangle · Accepted Answer

I had a friend in high school who I suspected (but never confirmed) had Aspergers. Pretty much the only thing I noticed was that she couldn't always control the way she communicated... meaning that she often came across as rude or impatient without meaning to. I just recommend you spend some time with him and feel him out... you'll eventually be able to tell what he means no matter what he does. And remember to be patient with him; you know, don't pressure him into social situations that might overwhelm him, don't get mad if he comes off wrong, etc. Otherwise, you'll do fine. :)

BeefNoodles · Answer

I have AS, I was diagnosed at 3 years old

You're right when you say everyone with AS in unique. I feel like a lot of people don't understand the basic idea behind what aspergers is. All it really is is a developmental delay in socializing. This may have all kinds of different effects depending on the inherent nature of the person effected. Some are super social and usually those types have poor social skills especially if they are young and not very introspective, other types like me are just generally more wary and reclusive because we've had our desire for social interaction considerably numbed from lengthy periods in our young lives were we failed to understand most people and through introspection we realized we didn't know what we were doing.

I personally like to flirt, though it really depends on how well I know a girl, I have to know her at least for awhile before I'd comfortably flirt with her. Being that one of my main interests is in relationship advice, I think the way I'd approach a relationship wouldn't be typical of an average aspie. But I remember when I was young and naive I used to get super energetic around girls I liked, I'd definitely try to speak a lot more, but once again it is probably a personal thing. It's fun to flirt, just think of ways you could turn a casual conversation into a witty compliment.

tadpole25 · Answer

I have Aspergers. It used to be very severe in my childhood, but now its mild to the point where it's not noticeable, and like him, I've become much different than the stereotype.

It's not that Aspies are unemotional, it's that they sometimes have a harder time communicating emotions. Many Aspies are interested in love though.

Dating, flirting and etc. are such subtle things that it may fly above the head of Aspies sometimes, so it may helpful to be direct (but don't come off too strong either). Saying things that you directly mean like "I really enjoy spending time with you" here and there will definitely help. Flirting with body language, as can tone of voice, but in the end, it may be the specific words you use that will get it across to him that you're interested in him (without being obsessed with him)

There's no knowing what will go through his mind, and the main factor is whether he is interested in you or not. If so, then he may be unsure that you like him back, so there's always pressure on a guy whenever he pursues a girl.

If you have any questions - let me know

confugirl · Answer

My ex-boyfriend has Asperger's syndrome. He was really bad at reading signals, still is but I refer to him in the past tense because I don't speak with him anymore. He read into my behavior too much, used to ask me what's wrong constantly when really nothing was wrong. He didn't pick up on body-language at all. He used to bother me with his syndrome all the time, showing me documentaries about it, sending links. At first I did try to understand, but he annoyed me to death with it. He also didn't get sarcasm. Since that's my favorite thing on the planet, it was a huge barrier. He was obsessed with his hobby, writing. To the point where he started to ignore me to make time for his hobby. Not a good experience overall.

Anonymous · Answer

You may find that he uses the wrong tone of voice when talking about something and he may sound angry or sarcastic when he's not. Or he might not be able to tell what mood you are in. It may be difficult for him to say no to things, and to communicate how he's feeling. Loud noises may make him irritable. Sometimes having Aspergers, means even though I can communicate fairly well I misunderstand other people's intentions and social situations. Aspergers is something that gets better with age so even though he seems normal now he may have suffered a lot from teasing and isolation when younger.

Anonymous · Answer

my ex sort of had this too, he did not like to be touched.. sex was fine but something like a back massage he was VERY ticklish and would try to run away or push me off.. He was also very awkward and had a hard time communicating... but this all made us closer because I accepted him for who he was I showed him it didn't bother me and I was willing to work past these things... I also have a brother with autism and he is my best friend, he is so sweet and he never holds a grudge, he is friendly and talkative while most people are selfish and in their own worlds..

Ronaiah_Tuiasosopo · Answer

There were two answers I lked in this place. I've commented on both of them. One was the anonymous guy with the long answer. The other was WeaponZero. They both have the best answers here. There's nothing you can do to drop hints, and there's nothing you can do to pick up how he feels. All you can do is make your feelings known. Verbally. Hints, signs and anything else won't cut it. You have to just go for it. Make your move. Tell him how you feel. I've gotta be at least the tenth person to say that in this thread.

WeaponZero · Answer

People with AS generally utterly fail at flirting. They will either be forward enough about it to be verbal about it with you or they won't in which case you would never know unless you straight up asked them.

That being said...

The best thing you can do is try to share in his interests. He will obsess over one or two areas of interest he has to the point of them mostly taking up his life. He won't read signs and he won't drop hints. More than likely you won't be able to pick up interest from him in any way.

Anymore questions feel free to ask me.

harveykinkle · Answer

Just be aware that these people do not think the same way others do.

Educate yourself on AS by doing an in depth google search or something so you know what you're getting yourself in to before he develops feels or you test the waters.

I had one stalk me for a few months and every time I told him to stop he made up some reason as to why he was doing it FOR MY BENEFIT!

gotc147 · Answer

How is this question still featured? It's been up for like three days.

I avoided answering it because I didn't really know what to say, I have aspergers and it makes it hard for me to show emotions and thus hard to express interest, but the fine details vary, what might be true for me might not be true for another aspie. Aspies typically have a hard time with communication in general.

Patience is the name of the game here, and try to be a blunt but gentle, aspies often are ovely sensitive and it's hard for them to let go of some things. if you like him, the easiest course of action is to just tell him, but lead into it if that makes sense.

Now when is this question going to be un-featured?

Anonymous · Answer

Honestly, I would be forward him... I don't know him, but even if he's adapted well chances are he still has some social issues. Make it clear to him and tell him that you like him. That being said, I wouldn't date him. I'm a really caring person, and I dated a guy with mild schizophrenia, I worried about him constantly.

meli1820 · Answer

My brother has AS and if he comes off as rude or disturbed by you it means negative and if he just seems intimidated or peculiar at the time in a shy way he probably likes you and hopes you make a move so he won't have to first.

bruvleigh · Answer

ok so aspergers, is just mild autism.

and with that in mind he won't know you like him until you say so directly and he won't show any signs of what he's feeling to a large extent.

what your basically dealing with is an enhacned male mindset, no signs or flirting will NEVER help, you just need to be direct and to the f***ing point.

kheserthorpe · Answer

Most AS people I've known aren't momma's boys in the least. They tend to be very (perhaps overly compared to most of us) independent as adults.

I suspect he's less likely to worry about feeling suffocated or controlled then most. Letting things 'grow naturally' may not be realistic.

What he is likely to respond best to is very clear and direct statements of what you'd like.

Anonymous · Answer

I have Asperger Syndrome and I am very oblivious to subtle, non-verbal hints, like I struggle to tell if a girl is just being nice and friendly to me, or is actually interested, and probably why I'm still single and all the years I've been living in this cruel world, and unfortunately the truth hurts, personal responsibility is expected of me because I'm a guy

Shoresy · Answer

Whatever you do, DON'T HIDE YOUR FEELINGS! Just tell him you have feelings. Girls I know wait until its too late to show their emotions.

Anonymous · Answer

Just want to say I have total respect for you on this. I wish more girls were like you. I don't have APG but I tend to be sensitive about things

NerdyAnon · Answer

I have it as well. Be blunt when it comes to flirting. Don't just give him little hints. If he asks you to participate in his hobbies/obsessions, that's a clear sign that he likes you.

CPCTHOS · Answer

Just tell him how you feel. He may be a bit shy, but he will probably really appreciate it.

Anonymous · Answer

What drew you to him?

Anonymous · Answer

Follow your first mind

I like a man with Asperger's Syndrome

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