Why would a guy act nonchalant AND jealous?

[Anonymous]

I have a huge crush on a guy, that I know has a crush on me too. We work together, and he often goes from extremely flirty to almost completely ignoring me. It drives me crazy! I can't tell if he's trying to keep up a poker face, or if his feelings are actually fleeting. I feel like my feelings are at the mercy of his mood swings, which is annoying, so I end up acting just as distant as he acts towards me.

Recently, there is another guy at my job who I hang out, joke, and laugh a lot with during the day. He is attractive, but it's totally platonic between us. Still, I've noticed my crush watching us. Instead of joining our conversation, he listens from the sidelines, and when he's brought into it he acts kinda awkward. Also, with out even doing it on purpose, this new guy manages to interrupt conversations that my crush and I are having. He's like the ultimate c*ckblocker, without even knowing it.

This whole thing amuses me, because I don't get how you can act like you don't care and then act jealous. He used to hover around me when he saw me with guy friends that he didn't know, but this is his coworker too. I'm not flirting with the dude, and he's not hitting on me, so what gives? It's also not like my crush is actually trying to date me, based on his non-action, so how can he be jealous?

[aMuse]

I doubt he's jealous of the other guy, he's just probably making judgement about you. He's observing your interactions with other men, and sense you seem to love attention from any guy you can get it from, you just come off as a tease. He might of thought you were interested in him before, but now he's changed his mind on that because you just as easily dole out your attention to other guys right in front of him.

The second guy know's he **** blocking, he's being competitive. You keep encouraging it which is giving the second guy the impression you're into him, just as you did before with your supposed crush.

[Asker]

Maybe he is observing my interactions with other men, but I'm definitely not interacting with my non crush in a teasing or flirtatious manner AT ALL. If it's not jealousy, then why is it that he sees sees me speaking with that other guy, and pretends that he does not care when it is obvious that he is pretending and does? And I've wondered if 2nd guy was doing it on purpose, but he's just a center of attention/life of the party type. Is laughing with him "encouraging" him just because I'm female?

[aMuse]

He's not pretending he doesn't care, he noticed that you're very social with all kinds of men, thus the attention you showed him doesn't mean anything. It's the same as you give to every other man. So like I said, if he thought you liked him at one point, he probably no longer thinks that. He thinks he's just one of the many guys you feed on for attention. It's not acting like he doesn't care, it's not caring because he's not going to be lead on by some girl who's not really interested.

[aMuse]

Pretty much every reasonably good looking girl who shows interest in me at some point I observe. How she interacts with other men in comparison to me reveals a lot. It doesn't bother me when girls I have a mild interest in talk to other men, it just helps me gauge where I stand with them.

[aMuse]

Girls that are really interested are relatively defensive with other men but far more open to me. If she's just open to every guy and is an attention whore, then I'm just one of the guys she tries to go to for that fix for her mixed up ego.

[aMuse]

It comes off as pretty desperate when women feed on every guy around them. They're either emotional vampires or willing to take any thing that comes their way.

[Asker]

I don't think that applies to this situation at all. In my book, there's a difference between flirting, and joking around. How I treat other guy vs how I treat my crush is completely different. Any guy who sees me enjoying another man's company as "being desperate" says more about them than me. I could not be with a guy that insecure. gaging a woman's interest is one thing. judging her as "willing to take any thing that comes their way" seems overboard.

[aMuse]

lol keep passing it off as being insecure lol. Insecure = feeling threatened by other men, and feeling you are not good enough to measure up to them when being accepted by a woman. Judging a woman by her own behavior is called selection no insecurity. You do have to perform as well. If you fail, that doesn't make us insecure. That's a female cop out to try to pass the buck. It's pretty sad.

[aMuse]

Men want women that are into them and committed to them. We don't want women who are 30% into us, and 70% into a bunch of there guys and they're just come around if we do everything perfect to their demands, If a woman isn't directing her interest towards us, she's just not that into us and we'd have better success with other girls. That's a logical judgement call, it has nothing to do with feeling inferior to other men, it has to do with knowing you can get a better woman.

[Asker]

you're reading a lot into this that simply isn't there. I appreciate your perspective, but it's has a lot of judgment, and assumptions in it. Perhaps this all relates to a personal experience of yours, but It just doesn't seem anything like mine to me.

[aMuse]

I'm giving you perspective. Too often girls write a guys actions off as being intimidated or insecure when they don't understand what is happening. It's like the nice guy syndrome of guys on here that say girls only like a**holes that treat them like sh*t. I'm just slicing through the nonsense... You can take it or leave it...

[Asker]

i wouldn't keep responding to this if I was uninterested in your perspective. and of course I will take it or leave it - probably the latter (lol). I just think think your assumptions about the dynamic I have with these 2 guys is way off. this all may be valid for someone else's situation - maybe the female answerer underneath this comment - it just doesn't apply to mine.

[martyfellow]

Im sure he'd like to date you, but he remnds himself how problematic that can be in a work situation, and maybe also against company policy. So he flirts, but then pulls back, flirts, pulls back..

And of course he's jealous of other guys even if he hasn't dated you, since he's dated you in his mind!

[Asker]

we're on the same page with the work dating being problematic. that's a good point.

[martyfellow]

No doubt he'll keep flirting, then pulling back. I've been in that situation myself, it's hard on him!

[donttouchmyshoes]

Hes obviously insecure,very insecure. That game he plays...gives him confidence(weather or not he realizes it). You guys are not even "official" or like you said, "dating" but lets say you guys were "official"...his insecurity problem would cause issues, most likely sooner than later. Be careful with those ones..

[Anonymous]

@jprez

[JPrez]

Martyfellow ☝️gave a good explanation that I would use.

[MRman321]

Cause he's jealous buy doesn't want to seem like the bad guy cause he's afraid you'd further the behavior that caused him to be jealous in the first place