Why are some guys SO passive?

[BrunetteNYC]

I can't help but notice this trend of men expecting women to pursue them. Guys maybe aren't aware that females are taught to NOT pursue a guy, or else, they say, you are not respecting his need to be a real man, because you are acting as aggressor. But I find it funny that I know a lot of guys. Signs indicate they like me, but I don't ask men out, so it's like they are waiting for me to take charge. It's just not the kind of man that I want.

I also see this trend in professional situations, with men that I know so badly wanting to be involved on a certain project with me but then it comes out they were waiting for me to pursue them and 'hurt'' that I didn't ask them to get involved.

I just don't understand how some guys are so passive and want and need the woman to take charge.

I would love to hear responses from both sides on this :)

[toulouse]

@Guys maybe aren't aware that females are taught to NOT pursue a guy, or else, they say, you are not respecting his need to be a real man, because you are acting as aggressor.

Why should Women be passive so Men can feel respected. that's placating--not respect.

it isn't his fault he didn't learn you expect him to persue you because you were giving sh*tty advice as a kid. it isn't your fault you were given that advice but you're adult now. you can make your own decisions.

if these men are expecting you to persue. then they obviously do not feel demeaned by it... so what exactly is your complaint. your hands are not tied. you may persue anyone you want, and I don't see any legitimate excuse not to.

youre a grown women, they are grown men. you decide what it means to you to be a woman theyll decide what it means to them to be a man.,. maybe they don't want to be a cliche. anyways if you don't want to be with a guy who isn't fitting into a stereotype. you don't have to date those guys.

its irrational to claim you want one type then go after a different type and complain they are not what you want.

many different kinds of people in the world. some persue some dont. you're not doing yourself any favors thinking 'this' is what men do. because clearly it is not the case for all men.

recognize who heus and what you want and if he's not what you want move on instead of trying to 'understand' what is wrong. nothing is wrong with him, he's just not what you want.

[canuckfarmgirl]

Passive/aggressive, I've always been against those words. So if a guy approaches you, he's aggressive? And if you approach him, you are aggressive? I don't know how you grew up but I was taught that if I wanted anything in this world, I was going to have to go out and get it. Of course I'm not going to walk up to some guy I think looks cute and ask him to go out on a date with me next Friday. But I might walk over, smile, start a brief conversation and if it feels like we're getting along well, maybe suggest he comes along to something. I've done that with more than one guy including all of my exes and my current. I am not aggressive or forward. I'm open, approachable and friendly. I will suggest something once and if they don't want to and don't suggest something different (as use my invitation as an opening), I move on. In talking to the guys around me, they like it. They are not passive, they are just worried about rejection and its a huge relief to them to be given an opening. I do not take charge, I just make it easier and basically give them a yes in advance. The guys are always still in charge, I just make sure they have less to worry about.

Opportunities come to those that make them, sitting around and waiting for a guy to sweep you off your feet is silly. A friend of mine has this poster on her wall that says “Stop waiting for Prince Charming, go out and find him yourself, he might be stuck in a tree or something.”

[BrunetteNYC]

Yes, but going for what you want goes BOTH ways. I can and DO go after what I want in my work and I have surpassed many others in my field, not a problem. But even the singer Rhianna said it's one thing to do that in career, but in her personal life, she wants to be treated like a woman - there are two areas in life where we CAN have different expectations. But if a man can't man up to risk rejection, sorry I don't want him, period.

[canuckfarmgirl]

I guess I don't have that problem. I leave who I am in my workplace at the door when I walk out of the office. I have no aspirations to make it to the top of my field. I don't chase guys, I just provide an opening.

[Meedo]

farm girls said it to you as it should be .. spot on

[canuckfarmgirl]

Thanks Meedo.

[UberTroll]

Men are getting tired of doing all the leg work in dating. Times have changed and we're not as set in gender roles as we once were so a lot of them would love to be approached by a woman for a change.

[Robotic]

damn straight! :D

[BrunetteNYC]

Well I think that any woman is more than happy to be warm, friendly and inviting to a guy. So women do offer that much, which of course is giving a guy an opening, if he's interested.

[Ichikwon]

Wonder what guys do tho^^if women do all the chase, yeah but agree on how we as an adult should chase whatever we want, and sometimes we wants passive guys to be aggresive lol, but sometimes i can't tell who's passive, who is mysterious or who is active😅so most of the time i got confused and expect the opposite

[Anonymous]

You do realize that guys AREN'T taught to pursue girls or HOW TO do that? We are the children of the children of the 1960s. Our parents were mostly useless.

And the culture in general tells us men that being, as you say, 'aggressive' (or even just assertive) is disrespectful to women and creepy and possibly criminal and that men should treat women the same way they treat men. Of course women don't find that attractive. And of course women don't want to make the first move. But, by the time a guy learns the truth (usually in his twenties), it's often too difficult to break the habit.

I find it funny that women often complain about the effects of feminism but they never actually explicitly blame feminism.

I don't think much can be done to fix this generation. The majority of men are just too passive. All you can do is to make sure that the next generation is different. Raise your sons to know that it's good to be manly, or otherwise your daughters will have the same difficulty in getting men to approach them that today's women have.

[BrunetteNYC]

Well in some cases, some guys do still get it right in this area. I recently had a guy who was like 25 all after me lol and of course it was refreshing. And I agree, it seems most guys these days aren't actually MEN. Sometimes the same with females not actually knowing how to be real women.

[kairon156]

respecting his need to be a real man allot of men don't get the respect they deserve and their sun's understand this I know I did and do.

boys are not alloud to play rough sports and what sports they do play they are just going through the motions because points rarely matter any more so they no longer feel the need to be agressive or don't know how.

at least for me I went to school with all femail teachers up to like grade 8 so I had almost no male role models other than my dad.

here are a few rather long videos from girlwriteswhat aka karen straughan.

"those privileged blue bundles of joy"

https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=7sAomeiTOKI

"men not marrying? how deep does the problem go"

https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=rlvMAS_20K4

"the invisible man riding the donkey backwards"

https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=JHkGZvC0z4I

[Simonitro]

Well, it is easier for the girl to pursue the guy than the other way around. There are moments I ask a girl out and they're like: "Ummm... uuuuuh... I can't I have [insert excuse]!"

However, if a girl comes up and ask me out and I'm like: "Sure... let's do it!"

It's always the girl who makes the final decision if she wants him or not, it's never the guy. If it was, it would've made it so much easier for me and other guys who are dealing with the same situation.

I don't mind if a girl I like take initiative, I'm cool with that. I also have those girls who would come up with an idea and the guy goes "Okay!" and then she declines. WTF! is up with that?

So, I'm not passive, I like being active and want a company but it is so hard to find a girl who would accompany dedicatively.

[BrunetteNYC]

Yeah I think it's mind boggling if someone would who come with an idea and then decline, silly nonsense. I don't know, it's just there's been 2/3 guys around me, like I said, personal and work and it seems like they are being passive with me. Then again, I realize being a person who always takes the lead, so maybe I just attract that? Thing is, I'm tired of being the leader 24/7, LOL.

[Simonitro]

Tell me about it! :p

[Anonymous]

Trend? I call bullsh*t.

Guys have always been expected to be the pursuers and that hasn't changed a bit. Most of us would love women to actually show some initiative and own up to the "equality" they say they want...they haven't and for the most part it's NOT because they have been taught not to. Taught by whom? Certainly not by most men.

Everyone is different and that goes for guys as well. Some are just more passive than others by their nature. But for most of us, despite the fact that we don't enjoy it, we do take responsibility for approaching women because if we don't, odd are we'll be single for the rest of our lives.

[BrunetteNYC]

Well said! But mind you, it's not just me seeing this. I have 3 other girlfriends and they're all telling me the same thing. Guys who hang around them non-stop yet never seem to get the nerve up to actually ask them out, so they show them that they like them but won't say it/make a move.

[Opinion Owner]

OK, well I can't argue with what you and your friends are experiencing. I just haven't seen it myself, but it is what it is.

Perhaps it's just part of the general lack of identify men have today. Women have tried for the past 30 years to change men and make them more, well, more like women. Men have been derided for being masculine and told there is no such thing as gender roles...

[Opinion Owner]

...and yet, as you can see every day here at GAG, women are constantly complaining about men not being masculine enough these days and not fulfilling their roles as men (i.e., being the aggressor and pursuing women). Just scroll through some of the responses here to see what I mean.

Honestly, men are a bit lost as to exactly what the f*** women really want them to be today.

[BrunetteNYC]

I find it pretty sad that both men and women are not not certain of their roles anymore. I believe that guys just need to be confident in knowing that real women DO want a man to pursue them when they're interested. Some guys here thought I meant to be crazy aggressive, no, you CAN pursue a woman respectfully. Again, a woman wants to feel she is special to a guy, not like he didn't care enough to ask her out LOL

[Opinion Owner]

I agree with you, there's so much uncertainty these days about how men and women are supposed to behave...so many mixed signals. I do feel like it have begun to improve a little...very slowly.

Anyway, you sound like one of the good ones.:)

[BrunetteNYC]

Thanks, and same here, very nice to meet someone who understands where I'm coming from :)

[Anonymous]

Males are currently being taught to NOT pursue a girl, or else we are creepy, perverted, and possibly guilty of sexual harassment. I have seen a lot of women flip out because a guy would ask a girl out in a place other than a club, bar, or on an online dating site. Currently those are the only acceptable places to approach a woman in our culture.

[BrunetteNYC]

Another great answer! Thank you! Well I think that it's so unfair to guys to be classified like that simply by asking a girl out or showing interest. I would NEVER do that a guy, unless of course he was acting like an actual stalker but that's extreme behavior. I think we all know the difference.

[kheserthorpe]

Some guys are passive, some are not.

Passive guys are more likely to be single, hence they form a disproportionate amount of your potential dating pool.

Guys who were active but are 40 and successful may find less need to be active, they can simply let women throw themselves at them.

[BrunetteNYC]

Great points! I also think that in our economy, people at 40 aren't as established or successful as they used to be, which I think makes it even harder for guys who think they need to be already successful to attract a girl. That isn't true really in my case. I'd only want someone who's smart and doing what he loves.

[kheserthorpe]

I suspect that may be true. Realistically, most people I know -in person- are relatively successful guys, not superstars financially, but certainly earning above average incomes.

[cavmanier]

I never really pursued women in the past. I'd keep my options open and have fun. Pretty much every girlfriend I've had has pursued things with me. I've been single for awhile and am open to pursuing a girl, but I'm more focused on financial and life things right now and don't know how much time I want to put in it. I think both ways are fine. I'm guessing you want him to pursue you because you want to feel desired or do you want a alpha male take charge guy?

[BrunetteNYC]

Great answer, makes sense a lot of what you said! I just see it so often that when women pursue a guy to date, they never feel a sense of security in that he truly desires to be with her. It's more like "she was there," and most women do want and need a guy who reassures them that she is in some way special to him. Without that, the woman will question that and eventually not be fulfilled.

[cavmanier]

I'll have to try and remember than women want to feel special in my next relationship.

Well if I know a girl and think I have a chance I don't have an issue working on something with her. I don't go up to girls in public places though. It feels a little weird. This may change though, who knows. The exception would be if conversation happened naturally if something relevant got us talking.

[Anonymous]

because its the girl and its always been the girl who chooses the guy or wether she wants a guy in the first place ... also to add you say girls arnt taught to not pursue guys... that's not really true its just girls don't care about guys or desire them, and also girls make up stupid rules and say "its written somewhere" just to have an excuse for their lack or no desires for guys... just to let you know most guys want that special perfect ideal girl, but the problem is (like I say above) the feeling or desire isn't mutual from a female for example: guys look for love and sex.. girls look for what he has to offer - that doesn't have anything to do with love or sex, like money etc and also to add girls are beautiful on the outside but their personalities are ugly... so think about this for a while, hope this helps.

[BrunetteNYC]

I don't look for a guy for what he has like money, I would only want someone that we had things in common, shared an attraction, a real partner someone I can love and respect. I honestly think woman who look to use men for money and status are cruel and nasty.

[Anonymous]

It's odd that women don't want to act like women used to, but they want men to stay a constant. You can't flip it for yourselves and demand guys to be what you want to be. It's too late. How about pulling your own weight when it comes to relationships? What can you possibly offer at this point besides sex? That's pretty clear with the emerging prevalence of things like FWBs.

[BrunetteNYC]

There's no 'demand' being made, just simply curious as to why it is that more men these days seem to want women to act like men for them at times. And FWB what a joke! That' just being desperate and settling for less.

[Anonymous]

i am annoyed by that, guys are so willing for girls to have a role, to make them sandwiches and all that bs. But they are not willing to be the man and ask girls out, it is annoying, they want girls to do everything!

[BrunetteNYC]

Yes! It's like we get both roles to fill, be a girl AND do the work of a guy.

[RedThread]

Hmm some guys like myself don't care about being in a relationship so I'm passive on that basis alone. Also I don't expect a girl to have any kind of gender roles so I wouldn't like if a girl treated me that way in return.

[COCOCHANEL]

the best way I've found to counteract a passive boy is to be extremely passive and vague in response and just talk about the weather and eventually they take the lead when they see that I will not.

[BrunetteNYC]

Good answer! I've actually totally stepped back with one guy - did NOT email or anything. I wanna see what HE does. I've been a good friend to him and do things along the way to stroke his ego and show him I really enjoy his company. However, like you said, we can passive in return and see if a guy takes the lead. If not, oh well, there are other guys to meet LOL

[Konnour]

Girls are taught not to pursue guys? Oh, yeah? I've heard somewhere now there's something like feminism which says otherwise!

You can't have it all!

[BrunetteNYC]

Feminism was more about not being treated like crap and trapped as slaves in the kitchen and making less money. So don't twist it around to suit your own perception of it, which, by the way, is inaccurate.

[Konnour]

You think that taking care of kids and making food means "being treated like crap and being a slave"?

So, what is your double-shift of today - a job AND a family life? Is it better? Say thanks to your "liberating" feminism for that!

[BrunetteNYC]

No, but the choice to have a career, or use my mind, is it a natural thing to want yet women were denied this basic right and are still being punished because of it. If SOME men are so intimidated and scared of a woman with a brain, they have a serious problem and could never function as a real partner who wants an equal intellectually. Having money of my own is empowering, but do I need to take away YOUR ability to have independence to solidify mine? Of course not.

[Konnour]

Do you have children?

[BrunetteNYC]

Yes, I do have a child, and I have also raised my nieces and nephews - where did I say this was about raising kids? In the old days, women WERE treating like someone's property and did not have independence in terms of earning potential. Of course this led to them being seriously dis-empowered and controlled by men, that's what I meant.

[Konnour]

You're delusional. That was an easy life compared to what women have now. You can't be serious telling that raising kids AND having a job means "liberating" compared to just raising kids.

Get real!

[croxy]

Maybe they aren't interested in a relationship.

[BrunetteNYC]

Okay, that's also a good answer!

[Anonymous]

not all are but you should just try and help them a little bit, suggest hanging out or something.

[Anonymous]

What's so bad about that? You seem to be onesided in gender roles. Be more progressive, its not the 50s.

[BrunetteNYC]

It does not matter what year it is, women are still women, men are still men. It's called nature. It exists, and we should respect it.

[Opinion Owner]

That's not nature, it's the way we've been socialized. You're taught to behave that way.

[BrunetteNYC]

We can have the whole socialization vs nature debate but having such an exchange with a closed minded person isn't my cup of tea.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm close minded? That's funny.

[Anonymous]

it is just in their nature

[Anonymous]

True. They complain too much.