To the Girl With the Unhealthy Mind – Don’t Look Pretty For a Jerk

[Anonymous]

Every day I hear girls saying that their boyfriend (or some person they like) is putting them down based on their physical appearance; based on things they cannot help, things that were always there, and then natural changes that come with different situations. Mind you, I am not man hating, I would give the same advice to a guy, but this seems to be a dominantly female issue, at least on this site, so I have something to say about it.

DISCLAIMER: Not all men do the listed things below and this is in no way implying that I have any animosity towards men. This refers to specific types of individuals from situations I have been shared that happened to be men. Not all men are pigs, assholes, or any other derogative term. With this in mind, please enjoy the take.

It isn’t only the examples I’ve given you above: I’ve seen girls saying they want to drop weight so such and such will like him, they want to change this or that because this guy likes this type of girl, so on and so forth. Every time I see it, I sit there and I ask myself: Why? If a guy can’t like you as you are, then why do you want this guy?

Don’t get me wrong, there is a time and a place to work on your physical appearance, but to completely change who you are for person who would otherwise never give you the time of day … why? Just … why?

As for the guys that put you down, why would you try so hard, and feel so bad about yourself because a piece of shit decided to put you down? Why would you beat yourself up for having stretch marks after having a baby, for being a little heavier when you were always that way even when he met you, or for not looking like some actress he idolizes? Why?

Of course I really do understand. But I am challenging everyone now to question it, genuinely. Why value the opinion of someone who has no problem putting you down and treating you like shit when they are supposed to love you? Because you love them unconditionally, right? That shouldn’t make it okay, and you shouldn’t be trying to change yourself for the type of person who has no problem bullying you and making you feel like you're worthless.

I had a boyfriend who liked to try to make me jealous. He would tell me he planned on making out with other girls, just to upset me. One day I told him to go ahead and fuck himself while he was at it, and that I didn’t care. As soon as I said that, he lost his mind. He couldn’t believe that I didn’t care and that I told him off. I didn’t stay with him either, because I knew after that point that this was NOT the kind of person who deserved my love and devotion.

You know what was funny about this guy? He kept trying to get me back, because he knew I was good enough and that no other girl would put up with that crap. After I gave him the proverbial bird, suddenly he loved me and needed me. Psh. Fool. You should have thought of that before, yeah?

If a guy you like, or a boyfriend, or a husband verbally abuses you, mentally tortures you, emotionally extorts you to get you try and look a certain way, or behave a certain way – that is the last person on the face of this earth that you should ever try to change for.

Hey you, are you thin? If your crush tells you to lose 10 lbs, will you do it? Many girls wouldn’t, but too many girls would consider it, and too many would actually do it. Because the pressure of vanity has been fed to our society in bottomless trofts and we just buy into it and go with it no matter how physically and mentally debilitating it is.

Now, before anybody jumps in and says: WELL SOMETIMES IT’S OKAY TO SAY YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOURSELF! I agree. It is good sometimes to let someone know they aren’t taking care of themselves, it is okay to give your lover suggestions that come from a place of love and from a place of need. But to shit all over somebody to get your ideal girl … that isn’t okay for anyone. It wouldn’t be okay for a girl to do it either – it just isn’t okay at all.

If they want perfect, then they need to be perfect. And if they think being perfect involves mentally abusing their lover over physical appearance … they aren’t perfect. Take the “average” cutie who would never dream of putting you down over a perfect jerk who prioritizes his physical desires over how healthy your mind is.

[Anonymous]

The man I was engaged to tried to change me. He didn't like my red hair, or me with makeup, and when I became paralyzed, he didn't like my wheelchair or leg braces. After That, I ended it. I promised myself to only be with a man that can love me and all of me. This was a very well written take. 👍🏻

[Bluemax]

(Standing ovation) Bravo! Bravo! ( Tossing a rose ) Bravo! Bravo!

[SirenDep]

I couldn't agree more! Also, for men first appearances matter, so if he doesn't already like a woman he knows, chances are he won't suddenly change his mind, and correct me if I'm wrong.

Another important thing is that people are evolving and changing throughout their life. So, eg if a woman decides she wants to dye her hair a crazy colour, or change her styse from preppy to alternative or vice versa, or she put on or lost a lot of weight, her man should me supporting her, not putting her down for this.

[Anonymous]

Nice take! A truly sensible reality check! Unfortunately however, men who are very kind, considerate and respectful towards women, often end up in the friend zone! Somehow, a lot of women have made acting like an uncaring, arrogant ass into a prerequisite before a man can be considered for romance!

That whole "jerk fever" issue that many women have is the whole problem! If a woman CHOOSES a man who acts like an uncaring ass who doesn't give a damn about her, she shouldn't be surprised when he continues that conduct! It's ridiculous that many women are foolish enough to choose a jerk, jackass or thug and then complain that he's not a gentlemen!

[Laynierae]

Agree - after doing exactly what you mention above and getting the same results, I am ready for a kind and caring gentleman - and he won't be in the friend zone!! 👍🏻👍🏻😀😀

[Opinion Owner]

@Laynierae Way to go! More women need to adopt the good sense in mating choices you speak of! Good sense ALWAYS makes sense! When you say:

"I am ready for a kind and caring gentleman - and he won't be in the friend zone!!"

It is music to my ears! Every single woman in existence should be saying the same thing!

[Anonymous]

Oh my!! Don't listen to any of these negative comments girl. As I was reading your article I was agreeing all the way. I personally have to keep your advice at the forefront of my mind. I once loved a guy so much, but he started picking things apart on me that literally had nothing wrong with them. My belief is that guys who do this are either very insecure or have something mentally wrong with them. They are very good at getting you sucked in and then trying to make you try harder and harder to be who they want. I call BS!!! Be yourself and be original - don't ever let anyone make you feel beneath them. Thank you for a wonderful article - very well written and totally true!

[Crazyced]

It sounds good and all. But don't you find it funny that a lot of girls go straight to the gym right after a LTR breakup? It wasn't worth it to work on themselves for their long term partner. But the potential new guy deserves it?

Let's call it like it is. Getting complacent. And both parties are guilty of it.

[Anonymous]

I agree. I dated this guy once that demanded I wear my hair down start smoking Marlboro menthol cause newports were for blacks. Yea I dumped him so fast his head spun! Not putting up with some controlling jerk. He obviously had issues and I did not stick around for them! I deserved better.

[Falling4UTC]

One of the best myTakes I've read. Its to the point and precise, it is not bias of any gender, and its overall very well written. I completely agree with you on every sentence. Wonderful take ! 👍👍

[Bea123]

thanks for this piece of info! Great mytake.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you my dear.

[Bea123]

np thanks for putting this out there :) i agree no girl should change herself for ANYONE. you'll know he's the right guy when he loves you for you and when he loves everything about you; even your imperfections.

[doirty]

Everything you said is good but I would add that if they want something out of someone they should help facilitate that change and making them feel crappy probably isn't going to help.

[Anonymous]

Ah, not all men are pigs and assholes. I'm certainly relieved to hear that there are a FEW good ones. LOL

Sorry, but I lost interest after that little bit.

[myTake Owner]

No worries, at least you stopped by.

[Opinion Owner]

You disappoint me. Before this I had gotten the impression of you that you were not one of the good ones.

[myTake Owner]

Sorry? Lol.

[Octavius]

"Before this I had gotten the impression of you that you were not one of the good ones."

So you're saying she IS one of the good ones?

[myTake Owner]

I think I'm pretty cool personally.

[Anonymous]

us girls value the opinions of guys we are attracted to. we want to look good them. this isn't rocket science. i don't think losing 10 lbs for the guy i like is too unreasonable

[Anonymous]

This is so easy to say to some girls and yes it makes sense but when a girl's in love she'll do almost anything to feel wanted by that person.

[myTake Owner]

I 100% understand your point.

[Anonymous]

I think I got the point you were trying to make, but... This take comes off as pushy and bossy and quite a bit man-hating despite the disclaimer.

[myTake Owner]

It isn't at all man hating, because if it was, I would say: all men are pieces of crap. I never stated that and I have written takes dedicated to the unfair treatment of men in the past. It also isn't bossy in my opinion because I am not saying anybody has to do anything they don't want to do: this article is OPTIONAL, it's passionate yes but no where am I saying: do this or else. It's the reader's decision to read and their decision to take the advice, it isn't mandatory.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm just saying that you could represented your meaningful statements in a way that was more approachable and reaches people. It's a great point and thought, but the writing is a turn off.

[myTake Owner]

I disagree; this is who I am, I am a very passionate person, yes I do curse but people who know my work know that I do talk that way. I am very proud of this take and I don't represent myself in a way that isn't authentic. If I feel fired up about a take then it will sound fired up, if I feel really gentle towards a take I will reflect that in my writing. I like my style, I worked towards being an editor and I feel like this take is just a part of who I am. I'm sorry it's not what you like but I won't back down from it.

[myTake Owner]

But I acknowledge your opinion and I will keep it in mind when I write in the future so thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

You clearly won't back down from anything. I have actually been an editor, and I would never publish this type of writing.

[Opinion Owner]

Saw your second comment after. Just wish a good point like this could reach people. We all shouldn't put up with being put down.

[myTake Owner]

Well you can feel that way, but I'm proud of my writing. Thanks for your comment nonetheless.

[S0ph5t3R]

I like it! Good job! 😊

[myTake Owner]

Thank you sweetheart I appreciate the support.

[Anonymous]

They can do whatever they want, who the hell are you to say otherwise.

[myTake Owner]

It's literally meant to be encouragement, I am not telling anybody to do anything. I never said: Do this, or else! It's meant to be thought-provoking and encouraging. I'm sorry you missed that message entirely. I'm not here to rob anybody of their rights, I am simply telling people that they don't need to feel pressured by somebody who puts them down. If you take issue with that, I am sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

mental illness thy name is woman

[myTake Owner]

Mental illness thy name is: mental illness.

[LeviValentine]

Yeah I agree