The women's bathroom. The final frontier. What goes on in there? What are it's secrets? What are the unwritten rules of the ladies bathroom?
RULE ONE
The first rule of the women's bathroom is, even if you can hear it or smell it, you do not talk about it. It does not exist. It is not happening.What goes on in there is tantamount to government classified secrets. All women's bathrooms smell just like roses and vanilla cupcakes and serenity. Got it?
RULE TWO
You keep the bathroom clean. No one wants to see or sit on your pee or period blood or anything else for that matter. And if, oh gawd, if you do happen to walk into a stall that looks like a crime scene...blood on the walls...paper cut up and thrown everywhere...unidentified particulates... you must overreact immediately and make a loud comment to all within earshot, about how nasty some women are, so that if there is a line of women behind you waiting to use the stalls, and you walk out of the gross one, they do not assume it is you, and your apparent nasty self who littered and soiled the stall. Also, you may choose to additionally send a warning to the lady who is coming in hot behind you, that no, SOMEONE ELSE has messed that one up, and you're still waiting for the next stall so back up lady!
RULE THREE
If you absolutely have to poop, you go to the last stall, and if someone walks in while you're pooping, you go into silent ninja mode holding on to the poop so it won't drop until that person washes their hands and leaves so as not to alert them that you're actually doing what is only natural even if they can smell it. (I ask that you please refer to rule number 1).
RULE FOUR
Don't be stingy with your period stash. You're at the end of your cycle anyway. If the machine in the bathroom is broken, and someone asks if you've got a tampon or a pad, you totally get her predicament and know she is but seconds away before the blood makes it to her underwear and her night is ruined, so you damn well give her one. The universe will return the favor to you someday, trusssst.
RULE FIVE
Go in pairs to the bathroom for two reasons. One, the line is always long AF and you need someone to talk with while you wait and try not to pee on yourself, and second, so you can talk about everyone and everything in a place where you can actually hear yourself talk. Also so that who you're talking about (usually some guys) can't hear you and what you really think of them. (This is precisely why you guys get a little nervous when you see us leave together because it's true. We're talking about you).
RULE SIX
The handicap stall is for the elderly, pregnant women, women with children, overweight women, women who have to go and all the other stalls are taken, for changing your outfit from your gym gear to your work gear to your party gear, it's for sitting on the toilet and trying to quietly cry after a rough day, it's for having a loud pacey angry cell phone call with your friend about your other friend sleeping with your other friend...and, oh, I guess actual handicapped women.
RULE SEVEN
If you are washing your hands at the sink, it is more than acceptable to glare and stare at a woman in complete shock and disbelief if she does not automatically emerge from the stalls and start applying soap. These women are forever to be referred to as nasty hos who don't wash their hands.
RULE EIGHT
If number 7 has just occurred, there is only one way to leave the restroom without developing the plague from the nasty ho who didn't wash her hands. Grab a paper towel, open the door, kick it propped open with your foot, and gracefully toss the dirty towel in the can and hope it makes it.
RULE NINE
If the toilet looks as if it has Herpes on it (you know this of course because your bionic vision allows you to see Herpes), thin pieces of toilet paper placed on the seat will protect you...because that's how it works...and don't question it. If, however, you are aware that thin sheets of toilet paper do not in fact perform magic, one must do somewhat of a ballet plie' or a hover squat over the toilet to complete ones business, but don't be dumb and think you can poop this way. I don't care if the poop is violently decaying in your colon, you've been holding it so long, you can and will develop the inner strength to hold it until you reach a bathroom in the better part of civilization. Also, if you are in the midst of hover squat peeing and you lock eyes with someone through the cracks of the stall because who the absolute F--K designs bathroom stalls people can see through, LOOK AWAY, JUST LOOK AWAY!
RULE TEN
The bathroom is there to help you perform the occasional minor surgery. TIDE spotting the ink you spilled on your white shirt, reapplying eyelash glue, clear nail polishing the runs in your tights, realizing and repairing the fact that you didn't wear water proof mascara this morning, adjusting and readjusting your bra, removing lip stain from your teeth, re-doing the hour it took to do your hair in the morning which was just ruined by life's apparent biggest gust of wind ever.
*I saw this question being asked somewhere on GaG and thought I'd write a take on it.
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