DISCLAIMER: You are about to enter my mind and what I think about (other than school and such) on a daily basis. I ask that you be open-minded and imagine as if you were me (if that makes sense). I am not saying that guys shouldn't chase girls, I'm just explaining my experience with it and how it has affected my life. This take is not to be a sole representation of all of those who are suffering from depression, this is just my side of things. Also, please note that the names are completely made up for privacy reasons. Please do feel free to leave comments below, but be warned as this myTake is going to be talking about my struggles chasing women and why it has lead me to negative thoughts about my self and caused me to question my very existence. Thank you.
I'm laying in bed in my pitch black room watching sad Simpson edits on YouTube. It's 11:08 PM and I just wonder why I'm on this planet in the first place. What's the point if no girl out there wants to be my girlfriend? Isn't the main reason we're here to find love? It made me remind myself of the times where girls said that I was too unattractive for them to date.
Yeah that guy in my class? Ew I'd never date him! I'd rather be buried alive!
I overheard these two girls in the hallway talking about "that guy" AKA me. Thanks for reminding me that I'm ugly, I almost forgot. Then, there was the time where I was basically a girl's only option to go to prom
Hell no! I wouldn't even take him as a friend!
The same girls who would repost guys asking their dates to prom and comment "Why can't I be pretty enough for a guy to ask me out like this!!!!!" were the same ones to turn down my invitation. Talking about something as little as a prom wouldn't be such a big deal if these girls weren't so nasty about it as to gossip with their friends about how ugly I am. I get it, I'm a genetic failure that will be naturally selected out of the gene pool after I pass on, no need to be extra.
As I continue to think deeper and deeper on how girls have broken my heart and my self-esteem in the past, it was as though the room got darker. My mind was becoming more overwhelmed with sadness as I was realizing how much of a failure I really am. My friends can date these same girls with ease, but I can't. I then start to think of more stories.
I'm not interested
I remember getting a vivid flashback from this one. I managed to get big enough balls to ask this girl who I've been friends with for a while out on a date. Her reply was "I'm really sorry, but I'm not interested." I respected her statement, after all, no one is forced to date me, but then about a week later she gets a new boyfriend. Oh I see, he's good looking and has big muscles, two things I can't achieve. Although she has every right to date that guy, my mind gets more depressed as I realize that I will never be able to achieve what the other guy has.
Eventually, my mind get's really low. If I were to disappear tomorrow, who would care? Surely not Sarah, or Sally, they probably want me gone. One less loner off the streets right? I knew thoughts like that weren't healthy, so I forced myself to snap out of it and go to bed, however I didn't get really sleep until an hour later. I kept thinking of those quotes that girls told me.
I wake up the next morning and get ready for class. As I ride the bus, I see couples holding hands as they walk down the pavement. My depression started to creep back again.That could be you if you weren't born so fucking ugly! I was having a decent day until that happened.
I went to class that day depressed. I just want to go back to my dorm and sleep. Class doesn't start for a few minutes so I decided to get on the explore page on Instagram. For whatever reason, there was multiple posts of "cute" things that guys did for their girlfriends.( I feel like Instagram needs to fix that by the way, I only looked at one "relationship" post and now they always pop up on my explore feed, just a side note.) I remember seeing one where the girl was mad at the guy about something and he apologized on a radio station. The comments talked about how cute that was and hoped that a guy did that to them one day. Yeah, an attractive guy, not someone like me, it would be consider harassment. I then check my Tinder. Maybe a girl wants to date me on here. Nope. I managed to get some matches, messaged them something witty, and no reply. I remember swiping right on probably 30 girls and only getting one match who wouldn't even bother to respond to my message. Well, girls on tinder don't want me, what's new?
I managed to get through the class and head back to my dorm. Who can I talk to about this? Whenever I've tried to talk to someone about it, they considered it whining and said that it's my fault that I'm in the position i'm in. They say that I'm ignoring all the girls who want to date me, but what girls? And is it my fault that I'm ugly and don't have the body of Zeus? I then get frustrated with myself that I'm not attracting women.
There is no "one" as people so often claim! I am going to die alone! No woman, who is of my age, on this earth will care one single bit if I were to disappear tomorrow! Not one! Not sarah, who would rather be buried alive than date me, not sally who wants a "bad boy", not a single girl! I knew that was I was saying wasn't the answer, but would they care? That's what I want to know and still don't know to this day.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of my life right now. I hope you have enjoyed this myTake.