How I Maintain Independence: Remain Empowered

[sugarchateau]

Disclaimer: I am not telling anyone how they should be. (I think this can apply to guys, if they want it to).

1. Keep a healthy standard with my words and actions.

A) Follow through with promises I made with myself, helped me build trust within myself. Which, ultimately, helped me to learn how to trust others. Trust comes with consistency & follow-throughs.

B) Treat others how I would want to be treated. No expectations of how things should go, but I learned to know my boundaries and I only take action (to leave or speak up) when someone does cross a boundary of mine. I don't waste time worrying about what people aren't doing, I just move on fast.

2. Treat my mind and body like I'm a Goddess.

A) My self-care is a worshiping ritual, daily; Making time for myself.

> I listen to TedTalks or Motivational speeches while getting ready for the day.

> Hula hoop, yoga or dance naked in front of the mirror to start my day off making me smile.

> I make time to take myself on a walk or hike. No music. Sometimes I just dance in the woods.

> In between classes, I find time to sing my heart out in my car in the campus parking garage.

> I make sure to go to a cafe or to a park to get my school work load done- why let myself work in a boring place?

B) If I have control over how I think, I'm going to think positively. Why dwell on the things that don't serve me? I just want to have a good day! Everybody messes up, not everyone is on the same page and it's fine. It happens! and I simply have more important things to focus on than what everyone is doing or not doing.

3. Maintain a life outside of relationships (friendships / family / romantic partners).

A) Keep Hobbies.

> Creative expression is a must! I express myself through journaling, painting and GarageBand. lol

> Physical activity is a must! I go to the gym, go on a run, dance or hike/rock climb daily.

> Learning something is a must! I read a new book or I attend a new type of cooking class.

> Spiritual growth is a must! meditating is super fun and I love taking care of my plants that are all over my bedroom- I feel connected to mother nature. Or I sometimes attend church.

B) Keep Working.

> Job: Minimum work hours= part-time.

> Community Service: once a week or month.

C) Keep Exploring.

> I explore the neighborhoods, parks, train tracks, horse property, abandoned homes within a 10 mile radius. Mostly at night during the summers because I live in a desert. Usually this is also when I get my running in for the day- I'll only run up to 4 miles in a day.

> I check out new restaurants, underground local bands, or new people at the bar while playing pool and drinking waterrr.

4. Maintain femininity and softness.

A) I am, undeniably, a female but at work I tend to use more of my masculine energy. Once i'm off of work I make sure to bring myself out of work energy and into my feminine energy. ((Work = cleaning, job, school, community service). I need a balance, but most importantly I want to remain in-touch with my femininity. (In-touch with femininity = self-care rituals or just simply walking through a field of flowers thinking about how I feel... lol)

B) Hard times harden our hearts. If I allowed what every person did to get to me.... I wouldn't find emotional balance. In order to release and invite softness into my heart I choose to forgive and find the courage to be kind.... After I write a lot of imperfect things in my journal! We all need to find our healthy release. Crying is good.

5. Let your actions and energy speak more than your words.

A) Everyone talks themselves up, don't bother holding them accountable to what they say they do. I just listen and silently connect dots. They come when they are invited/they invite you, they are there if they want to be there. No need to waste time wondering where others stand. They are there and they are doing what they said they do... or they don't. If it's not a definite yes, it's a definite no.

B) I don't need to waste my own time dealing with immature behaviors, they can take their own time to figure out why I leave (or don't, but I already did it for myself so bye): I don't bother arguing, I don't bother proving myself, I don't bother explaining why I'm upset, I don't deal with complainers, I don't deal with rudeness, I don't deal with inappropriate comments.

C) I choose to focus on what I can do and what steps I can take next. I choose to engage with people who are ready to work together. I choose to find what and who works with me- not everyone can be everything for me. I have to go find who that is when I need them.

[Robertcw]

I am curious why you think “I need a balance, but most importantly I want to remain in-touch with my femininity. (In-touch with femininity = self-care rituals or just simply walking through a field of flowers thinking about how I feel... lol).”

Objectively these sound like okay things, except maybe trolling flowers.

I often lay in parks and meditate; same goes for beaches, but I never considered this a feminine thing.

I guess I wonder why you give things a label of masculine and feminine when you could just be doing what you want without carrying a label on it. I never stop myself to make sure I am being masculine by checking against a list or anything like that.

And based on your list I’m probably more feminine than masculine in my bahavior. I never thought twice about that and still don’t care.

Do you try really hard to confirm to gender roles because you think you are supposed to? Or do you do it because you want a masculine man to be romantically involved with you? Or are you just being yourself regardless of extrinisc reasons?

[sugarchateau]

My understanding of my masculine and feminine energy within myself comes from my understanding of masculine and feminine energy according to Yin and Yang.
I believe everyone has different amounts of masculine and feminine energy.

Ex: my sister has more masculine energy than I do (according to our birth charts, she has 2 feminine and 8 masculine, whereas I have 4 masculine and 6 feminine). She's still a female and dresses like any girl you see on instagram, but because she has such strong masculine energy she is very active in pursuit of things, driven and goes after what she wants, she tends to walk with purpose/her shoulders/in a very forward manner, she is more analytical and logical, etc. (Might I add, this isn't bad to have for a woman.) Then there is me, I have a habit of sitting back, receiving, feeling a lot and thinking more creatively, nurturing myself and others. (This isn't bad either.) We are both women but have different requirements of balancing. It's my understanding that I can't have too much masculine energy (it needs to stay at a 4) for my emotional needs- this is because I feel more, so I need to focus on creating space for me to feel in a healthy manner or I explode. Whereas my sister needs to be active with something in order for her to avoid exploding. She doesn't need to invite more feminine energy to balance her out, her goal isn't "change this masculine 8 and feminine 2 into a feminine 6 and masculine 4". Her goal would be to maintain her balance she was born with. Does that make sense? I didn't think many would care too much about this part- it's kind of a lot. and a tangent of it's own so i didn't think to clarify it.

[sugarchateau]

Oh, and in regards to the flower and feelings example. That was my personal preference from my experience of what works for me and bringing me into my own alignment. Maybe you do it and you feel more masculine. I don't know and I don't really care what others do since it's none of my business or my place to judge how others are supposed to feel- ya feel me? I wasn't being all-inclusive because I can only base my own perception of what worked for me simply based off of me and my own experience- it's not supposed to resonate with everyone. But I also wasn't intentionally labeling it as a feminine or masculine thing to do. What I do for me isn't the same for everyone.

[Robertcw]

Thanks for writing that! I have never seen any girl go so thoughtfully indepth about herself and reveal it to me in this way. I am slowly realizing that by essentially being a fuckboy for the entirety of my life, I do not really know any woman well beyond the superficial side of herself that is given to anyone and everyone in platonic interactions. I am begining to realize that my quest to better understand the opposite sex will necessitate I get to know a woman in a non-platonic deep level.

It's actually hilariously obvious now that I realize this. I don't deeply understand what makes women tick because I have never taken the time to actually intimately get to know one.

But anyway, I'm very introspective so the stuff you thought people wouldn't ask about is usually the exact sort of stuff I like to ask about :D.

I have never heard of birth charts before with ying snd yang, but even still I can see that what you ate saying is true based on the way you write it. In particular I found this to be most interesting: "this is because I feel more, so I need to focus on creating space for me to feel in a healthy manner or I explode." That's truly valuable insight into your mental experience. I have never heard such an expression before.

What do you mean 'explode'?

[sugarchateau]

Before I explain my "exploding" I'll share some background story, if you are interested. if not, I explain the exploding in the 2nd paragraph. <3
Honestly, I was a bit of a slut for like 1-2 years while I was 20-21- I slept with 12 men. This was because I had no self-esteem, was a horny fucker and curious about what I wasn't supposed to explore (sex) based off my religious background. I didn't get to know the guys either. I didn't even know myself. I had major parental issues, I isolated myself and turned to sugar babying to make money. I wanted love, but I didn't know how to go about it for myself or for anyone around me. Through all these challenges that I was facing, I was learning that the only way to find peace was to keep choosing positivity/love and to not acknowledge negative thoughts of doubts and fear.

In order to properly handle my emotions I discovered that I need to create spaces for me to emotionally balance myself to invite positivity and cleanse out negativity (negativity does need to be expressed, it requires a balance). Healthy expressions of emotion are love, gratitude and creativity (like singing, art, etc). Otherwise, if I kept it all in I would eventually explode emotionally and in an unhealthy manner. Explode as in, after not acknowledging my emotion it reaches a boiling point of how much I can take and I would just release it in the most unhealthy way... Ex: I got into a fist fight with my mom in the past... In private, I would slice my wrists, bang my head on the wall... Like a fucking lunatic. Sometimes, i couldn't hide my explosions and I would just scream my head off to whoever I felt like was attacking me. I was full of hate and misunderstanding. Part of taking responsibility for myself, I discovered, was making space for me. I never had that guidance, I raised myself.

[sugarchateau]

Me not being responsible for my own emotions, was creating more issues in every relationship, especially with the men in my life. I was becoming an emotional abuser to men that just wanted love, but a love that I couldn't give because I didn't love myself or even understand myself. But I always desired to do better and be better, I knew I had potential but I was waiting for a knight in shining armor. I finally realized that in order to quit this sexual codependency for my self-esteem, i'd need to quit fucking around. So a huge step for me that brought me to realize my own worth was taking one major huge step towards choosing abstinence.
Choosing abstinence was arguably the hardest thing in my life, because it made me face myself. Put me in a position to question why I really was alone. Made me question why I didn't unconditionally love myself. This then brought my focus on my education, focus on aligning with myself/my responsibilities and prioritizing my health. I chose that for myself and this journey of growth has opened my heart to many good lessons. I'm still dealing with the realities of balancing the things in my life, but I feel like a healthier and happier person. Definitely never perfect. but as I grow more spiritually, I realize that everything is as it is meant to be. The good and the bad. There is no right or wrong. there is just experience that brings us to the truth of ourselves and we can choose to face it or face it in another life possibly- or never. This belief that I have chosen to accept for myself has also helped me to understand and appreciate others more- especially in moments of disagreement. We need each other.

[Robertcw]

Well I think that’s the most honest thing a woman has ever said to me. Thank you for sharing.

Reading that it actually sounds like myself, except me being a dude it’s a lot harder to get sex on demand.

I try to be very sex positive and open about sexuality, but the truth is that like you I was raised religiously (Catholic) and I was taught from a young age to feel guilty about sex. On top of that I have traumatic memories of my bipolar mom (she’s clinically diagnosed) getting sexual in from of me and my brothers as kids.

Anyway, the upshot if this was that I also had a high sex drive and still do. Due to circumstance I wasn’t able to leave home until 21, just before my 22nd birthday.

Since I lived at home with my parents and brother who is 10 years younger than me, I didn’t pursue girls who were interested in me. I thought it would traumatize my brother.

I was stuck at home because my mom wouldn’t let me go to the college I got accepted into and wanted to go to out of high school, so I got stuck at the local community college. I was there for three years. Thing was, I was always about to leave because I wanted to transfer.

So I finally transfer and end up a few hundred miles away, but realized I had zero experience with women and at my age I felt behind. For one year I worked to gain experience but it ended in mostly rookie mistakes in conversation. Really nothing happened.

Then my mom refuses to pay tuition the next year, so I have to leave and return home and wait until I turned 24 to get financial independence status for financial aid. So I do this and now I’m 23 and about to turn 24 when I go back to school.

The people I met who transferred in with me had graduated the year I was stuck at home.

It was like starting over. So I get determined to gain some kind of experience because I was 23 and freaking out. So I ended up hooking up with a freshman the first week of school, twice. But I was not ready emotionally.

[Robertcw]

I ended up hurting her and to this day I feel bad about doing that.

Thing was, I was totally underwhelmed by the whole experience. I had been so hormonal through my teens and finally I get some experience and I was hilariously underwhelmed by it all.

So that happens and I turn 24. The rest of the year goes by and I don’t really get any more experience than that. I flirted a little and got chances for actual relationships a couple times, but I always choke and self-sabatoge those right before they start. I ghost all of them. It’s terrible.

And now I’m 25 and the extent of my experience literally consists of hooking up with an 18 year old who probably lied about being 17.

People my age are looking to settle down and I’m like, but I haven’t got experience with diversity yet? I’m not ready to settle down just yet.

Anyway. I feel very stunted in my development.

[sugarchateau]

You feel like you haven't dated, kissed or had sex with enough girls? Or you feel like you haven't experienced meeting the right aged women? I've kissed 3 guys. Dated 4. Fucked 12 or 13. I feel like I am stunted in my experience as well. lol. But I chose abstinence because I, personally, felt that I needed to get right in the head first.

[Robertcw]

I feel like I haven’t kissed or had sex with enough girls, and therefore am somehow missing out. And here you are saying that you feel bad about doing it too much when you were a few years younger.

In truth though, I have only kissed one person. That means I still freak out on first dates, or any early dating, about kissing. I’d like to not freak out about doing it, and actually become somewhat good at it so it becomes something to look forward to rather than worry about.

I’m surprised you only kissed 3 of the 12 guys you slept with. And that one guy that you dated and never kissed! That’s crazy. Do you feel confident in your kissing abilities?

[sugarchateau]

I never had the desire to kiss. I honestly hated kissing until I fell in-love with this one guy. Now I pine over thoughts of kissing him again, even though I wouldn't consider myself good at kissing or anything close to a professional/experienced kisser. It just depends on the person, I suppose, for me. I guess for you you do need to try more girls out. No shame. Where would you like to look for your girls?

[Robertcw]

What a question. First off, I feel like I have to say that after talking to you for honesty’s sake I do feel attraction towards you.

With that out of the way, I am located in Orange County, Ca for school so practically speaking this is the area I live in and have available to work with.

[sugarchateau]

I feel honored that you like me for my personality <3 thank you! Your personality appeals to me as well! I'm just not trying to flirt with anyone, I'm actually engaged lol. I'm in Arizona attending classes at ASU! We are actually pretty close! I hear the girls at CA are super cool :)

[Robertcw]

Depends on the girl I guess. Some don’t give me the time of day, others smirk at me in the gym and others actually like me after getting to know me.

One thing CA girls have going for them is they are fit and healthy. Downsides is they can be materialistic.

Anyway, no surprise you’re engaged. I’m sure your fiancé has something great about him for that to have happened! You’re obviously wife material. Just as long as you don’t go around flirting with everyone on the internet! ;).

[sugarchateau]

I do hope you are discerning with who you choose to love I believe you deserve the best <3 I genuinely miss CA's beaches, I hope they aren't too dirty as of lately. My heart is thoroughly warmed by your sweet compliments, I truly appreciate your sweetness so much! <3

[bamesjond0069]

Not trying to be a dick and of course a lot of what you wrote is great however, women who think empowerment and independence are very important (such that they would take time to write this piece) usually are fucked up. So i was thinking that from the get go and low and behold i see in your comments about being a ho and cutting yourself and violence with your family. I was right on the money. I would challenge you to not do what everyone else is doing. Being independent is a retarded goal, and feeling empowered is not always a good thing. I own my own business, I need my employees and customers. I need a girl because my ultimate dream in life is to have a family. I've never once probably mentioned the word independent because its mostly a stupid concept when talking about yourself. Empowement is also stupid. If you do something awesome you should feel empowered automatically. If you need to do little tricks you are just building false self esteem. Have you ever met someone who thought they were just the best thing ever but really they were kinda just shit? I meet so many girls who take this empowerment shit to the moon. Ie. I got a degree im the best candidate ever to hire... or not everyone has one these days and you have no experience. Then they cry or get angry or something. This is a huge problem in the US anyways and it comes from telling these girls to look in the mirror and yell i am woman and shit like that. I hardly have this issue with men. Men are confident and the difference is when you logically explain hey dude you dont have experience they say well you're right and move on either to other reasons or to apply to a new job. They dont personally lose it because their self esteem matches their accomplishments. Everone knows donald trump can be a dick but everyone knows he has accomplished a lot of things. Imagine dealing with that personality in a man who works at a gas station. Wtf? Nobody would tolerate that shit. Lmao

[sugarchateau]

@bamesjond0069 Honesty is the best policy, I appreciate being able to know what I would be dealing with. Except, I chose not to engage any further with your choice of topics. Thank you for participating though.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Excellent myTake, I just enjoyed reading it from beginning to end.

My girlfriend it's just like what you wrote: creative, strong, independent and a free spirit.
I respect that and have no problems with her spreading her wings, in fact I encourage it.

The only thing I ask her in return is that she lets me do the same.

[sugarchateau]

I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I hope she does allow you the freedom to do the same, goodluck

[Spawnface]

I might have a few contentions here and there but none of which worth mentioning I suppose.

But this is very good. All these things you do are worth noting because they do create the feeling of happiness. I kinda lack the education to really point out the nuance on the matter but said in the least, these things have a terrific psysio and psychological effect on a person.

Even if it is only creating a feeling of self esteem its very critical towards the production of life potential. It may not be the crux that sustains you in war, or a prison, but it certainly fosters growth and happiness in the city.

Good work and keep it up. Wish you luck.

[sugarchateau]

Growth and happiness is what I believe true independence brings. It's harder to maintain than most think, sometimes they miss some aspects since they've got a job or because they are single. Potential and power is all within the journey. It's interesting to see the responses to this post, I do appreciate your response <3

[Spawnface]

The soul has a belly of its own. You gotta fill it up with something other then misery. People dont always get that. They think happiness is unconditional, but you actually have to produce it.
ur welcome, thanks u

[Galian84]

Love this, thank you for sharing your thoughts! Too many people (women, in particular I noticed) spend too much time taking care of and being dependent on others for their happiness, and not enough time for self-love and self-care.

[sugarchateau]

I’m noticing this a lot as well. I’m glad you enjoyed this and found this helpful for those who might need the reminder. 💗💗

[monkeynutts]

I think its cool that you have keen interest in exploring the world around you. I have unfortunately lost this habit, I live in a big city, and there is not much to do anymore that I think is interesting. I got to get that sense of adventure back.

[sugarchateau]

Oh, I would terribly miss nature. Maybe there is a green house nearby? Or a little peaceful park? Have you explored the different rooftops? I bet it's hard to see the stars in the night sky :,(

[monkeynutts]

If you look at one of my recent questions, it was what are you looking at? And I posted pictures of a walk I did, you would dig my city, because a lot of it is not developed, the geology is sandstone and it was never zoned for housing because it was not suitable for developement. So you can go for a half an hour walk into a valley from hour home and end up in a flying fox camp, with them screaching about you, sit down for an hour and watch the animal activity, it does not snow here so trees are evergreen, unless they are introduced street trees. Wilderness is incredible, if you travel out of the city for n hour, you will be in a wild place. So I get out into nature, but I don't explore places unknown anymore. I will have to start doing it more.

[sugarchateau]

Accept my follow so I can check out your post <3

[monkeynutts]

I been following you for a few months I think.

[sugarchateau]

It doesn't allow me to see your posts because your profile is private?

[monkeynutts]

OK. One minute.

[Saffygirl]

I admit when I read "empowered" it rang some alarm bells, but then I read it and it's just so right.
Keep up the excellent work!

[sugarchateau]

I thought i'd share my own experience since I realized (through a lot of questions that i've answered on G@G) that not many know how to maintain independence. I added "empowered" because with a lack of independence I see a lot of people feeling less empowered. x) <3 Thank you so much!

[ClauseViter]

Wow this strikingly similar to how I live... especially your tendency towards encouraging positive cognitive behavioral changes with a spiritual dimension.

[sugarchateau]

You get me <3 Right now I'm focusing on judgement and temperance. What are you currently working on?

[ClauseViter]

Hmm. I'd say compassion, self esteem, confidence, relaxation... a stronger belief in the process of life. That we move from obscurity to clarity, murky ponds to clear skies, like the lotus flower.

[Christinalebacq]

I really enjoyed reading this. As someone who really needs to get back and respect her independence. Thanks for the share!

[sugarchateau]

I'm glad you got something from this that can help you <3 Thanks for reading!

[Anonymous]

“Don’t say you are going to change, just change”. -Brent Weeks

Women are constantly putting up these “self empowerment” takes and memes on social media. We don’t want to hear about this crap. We earn respect when you just do it without telling people.

[sugarchateau]

Great quote! You're not wrong about action speaking louder than words, in fact I share the same belief. Mind you, this is, indeed, a platform for sharing. I also have a few quotes that I'd love to share with you!

"Creating is about sharing ideas, sharing aesthetics, sharing what you believe in other people." - Shepard Fairey

"Gaining knowledge is the first step to wisdom. Sharing it, is the first step to humanity."
- unknown.

"By sharing and exchanging ideas, people will get to know each other and learn about their community" - Linda Ashcroft.

"Here's what is great about sharing ideas with others; if you share an idea with ten people, you get to hear it once and you get to hear it ten times." Jim Rohn.

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people" - Eleanor Roosevelt

[Anonymous]

It seems like you're on the right track for balance and health!

I'm older than you and still suffer with a lot of these, mainly 4b currently. Guess I don't know myself well either.
Which is why I'm really happy for you =) keep it up!

[sugarchateau]

Ya I feel like i'm still dealing with a lot on top of the balancing act. I feel like life is abundant in everything, even challenges lolol

[Opinion Owner]

Indeed you seem quite busy, studying and working as well!
Gotta take one day, one challenge at a time, right?

[smølf]

Very self-centred, I'll recommend a more compromising and accommodating attitude if you want a relationship.

[sugarchateau]

Perhaps you didn't know independence was about self? Or that in order to share a point of view I am to share my own experiences? Goodluck with your day sir

[smølf]

Independence madame, is perhaps not the best of qualities in a relationship.
Independence is defined as "the ability to live your life without being helped or influenced by other people", a relationship is about being helped and influenced by another.

Good day to you too madame.

[sugarchateau]

Ah, I see what you are trying to say. I like to maintain independence in my relationships and in your relationships you don't like independence. Alrighty. Thanks for sharing! <3

[Lish89]

Independence is an illusion. No one is independent sweetheart.

[sugarchateau]

@Lish89 Independence is an illusion, but it is an important process for a humans mind to maintain in order to ensure that we are able to remain as independent as possible which can promote positive feelings and help us to feel that they have a definite purpose in life.

[es20490446e]

@Lish89 There's actually a book that talks about that, the difference between dependence and interdependence.

[Pejtu]

u got sugar in your nickname
u expect me to believe you ;)
who is looking here for a sugar daddy hahaha

[sugarchateau]

I made this account and username a lonnnngg time ago and i'll be honest, I was a sugar baby. That meaning doesn't apply anymore here though aha. BUT I'm still a sweetie. <3

[Cask23]

When you can provide an executive summary in bullet points then I will opine on your topic.

I don't have time for this long tripe.

[sugarchateau]

Did you get an invite notification to respond to this post? I’m genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

This entire take is basically masturbation.

[NYCQuestions1976]

I explore traffic jams in the morning and evening.

[sugarchateau]

lol I hope you really do view it as an exploration hahaha

[NYCQuestions1976]

Yeah a slow one.

[Anonymous]

Im tired of the new term "empowerment" used in this era for many things that had nothing to do with being empowered. It is used very loosely.

[sugarchateau]

Definition of empowerment: the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one's life and claiming one's rights.

[sugarchateau]

I guess everyone interprets how they go about it differently. Oh well! I won't complain :)

[JulieRoze7]

This was a very opinionated and exciting read, post more of these

[sugarchateau]

I'm genuinely glad that you liked this <3 I was hoping if I just used myself and my experiences as an example, no one would think I was trying to tell them what to do.

[chris_987]

It begs the question when have women not been independent?

[sugarchateau]

I thought it would've begged the question, "how badly have I been slacking in maintaining my independence in a way that makes me feel more empowered?"

[B15H0P]

Yeh but thats not as a snappy and its kind of a mouthful.

[sugarchateau]

Ahahahaaa ok 👍🏻

[es20490446e]

I also do these things daily ;)

[es20490446e]

Please tell me where I could find a girl like you.

[sugarchateau]

Anywhere, I suppose <3

[EDWINDUNDEE999]

Great take and always be your self

[sugarchateau]

Thank you <3

[EDWINDUNDEE999]

Welcome from scotland

[dontgofalling]

A great take, well done😁

[sugarchateau]

thank you so much!