This is dedicated to the girl out there who is feeling lonely... you are beautiful... don't stay because you are scared to be alone...
Part 1: Red Flag Filled Relationship
* WARNING THIS INVOLVES A HIGH TRIGGER WARNING, IF YOU GET PANIC ATTACKS FROM AN EXPERIENCE, ALTHOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO HELP YOU OUT WITH MY TAKE, I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, SO IF YOU GET A HIGH TRIGGER WARNING PLEASE CLICK OFF *
Background
Not a lot of people know me on here, but I'm not one to throw around the term "love." I find it useless and saddening if i use that term to only describe a crush that i never talk to, but liked for years. That being said,
I genuinely thought I was in love with this guy
He was and I dare to say could still be one of my closest friends to this day, but that doesn't mean it still hurts.
Meeting
He was a sophomore and i was a freshmen at the time. I was eager to fall in love and all of my past relationships weren't serious. If I'm being honest i was willing to do anything just to get the feeling of romantic love from someone. He was unique, quick witted, funny, and stood out. He literally would stand on tables to grab people's attention. He exploded batteries, while trying to fix something in robotics. He was just different and it caught the attention of my other classmates. Its all they would talk about
"Jason did this today"
"Jason did that today"
"Jason randomly hugged someone"
"Don't give Jason your phone he will hack into it"
I didn't give this "exploding battery" guy much thought until one day, while sitting on the bus, i was approached by him.
"You ever wonder if the side you are sitting on, on the bus affects how easily manipulated you can be"
I looked up from my phone, to see a undeniably average guy looking at me from my left. "what?" i say.
"you realize if you sit on the right it is easier for me to manipulate you right?"
i rolled my eyes, "yeah i don't think that's true"
he inched closer "its true, look at this wikipedia site, it says it all here"
"wikipedia is a horrible site to use"
"but look at it, its got great links and all of these links seem valid, let me show you"
and he went on to show me how "valid" the sites on Wikipedia were. Then he moved on to calculator hacks. Then he moved on to the theories of time. Then he moved on to how he Jail breaks phones. then at the end he says "by the way, I'm Jason" (that's not his actual name but i'm not giving his real name on here)
Day after day, it was the same. We would sit on buses together and make interesting conversations. My friends would get to know him more and make fun of him for things. I found myself taking more and more interest in him and hoping to see him day after day.
Red Flags
At some point, he was getting to know me too well and too quick. We would text everyday after school. I would stay up late, after 1 talking to him, then i would stay up after 2 doing my freshmen, yes freshmen homework. Not only did we have a problem talking to each other and being attached at the hip so much, but he started to defy my boundaries
* Warning, what happens ahead is also 50% my fault *
I was a person to tests waters and to defy rules as he was. Rule # 1 of all male and female friendships. Leave talk about periods, boners, self pleasure, anything to do with that stuff out.
I broke rule number one because i thought that guys would like me more if I did.
It soon became all we talked about, other than the mention of his crush here and there. Then one day, he asked me:
Let me make that bigger "What's your cup size?"
I actually didn't want to respond to this question. I would respond about my periods, and how much i self pleasured, but i wouldn't respond about my size. Hearing this, he pushed for more.
"I won't tell anyone"
"no" i would perk back and walk away.
And this went on for two weeks, for two weeks, he would beg me to tell him, or at least send a nude, or describe what they looked like. Then one day, he hit a breaking point. He went through my sports bag, grabbed the bra in there and looked at the size. Then he dangled it in front of my friends. I had formed a crush on him at the time, so.... i thought i should feel flattered, although i felt there was something wrong inside of me.
Soon after our long conversations about life turned to competitions where we tried to make each other uncomfortable. He would hug me and kiss me while i would nervously move, i wanted to kiss him. but i was nervous, something felt wrong. We kept proceeding, and i loss my first kiss to him.
I still, looking back on it, regret losing my first kiss to him.
He would make it seem as though, i was the one in control. It was as if I didn't want the relationship to happen and he did and soon i gave way. We got into a relationship. He asked me out while simultaneously talking about another girl he had a crush on.
Valentines Day
Our relationship was amazing, we went back to having long interesting conversations about time travel and our days at school. Until... one day, he started asking about sexual stuff again. He wanted to know what my tits looked like. He kept telling me he had a boner and asking me if I had any questions about it. He would ask day after day: "can i touch them."
On our first date... oh this is why i hate valentines day.... it happened.
We had an amazing date again, filled with great conversation. Then on the walk back, he asked the same question... But this time when i said no:
He grabbed put his hand under my shirt in public and started touching them.
I should have swatted them away. I should have done something. But i didn't... I just let it happen, as we walked back from our date at the ice cream shop on valentines day. It didn't stop there...
That day, when we arrived at the school he asked if he could see them. I just couldn't mouth the words "no"... I still liked him too much to say no. I thought if i said no he would stop liking me. And i liked his personality too much to let that go. So... that day, he pulled me into the school bathroom... and i agreed to unwanted... touching.
I left the date early saying my mom had to pick me up. I walked up to my friend who gave me a suggestive look, and told her what happened... in stuttered words while staring off into a wall. I didn't enjoy it one bit.
A few hours later, i get a text from him "hey, don't tell anyone about what we did ok?"... i agreed since the our conservative school would have judged us. But i already told my closest friend.
It happened again the next month and everyday following on the bus. He would put a jacket over us and reach his hand in as everyone thought we just wanted privacy... I didn't stop because I really liked his personality. He was an amazing listener and related to me on levels no one else could.
The Breakup
I told my closest friends anyway. I couldn't help it and i still don't regret to this day telling my friends. Although at the time, our relationship regretted it. He started becoming closed off and as an anxious person i didn't know how to handle it. He would be the one giving excuses, and then he would brush off everything i said. He finally opened up...
Did you tell your friends about what we did?
I was honest and afterwards, he kept dismissing me. I tried, i would text him everyday asking him to talk out his feelings with me and to go on another date with me. He never agreed, and he brought his friends on dates with us.
At that point, i had enough and broke it off... but this isn't where i get heart broken... it was actually a year later... the exact day he asked me out.
A Year Later...
Yes... A year later i was still his friend. This time we were real friends. We never talked about sexual things again. He helped me through hard parts of my life and soon came to apologize for what he did. I forgave him and still believed there was a chance we could work out. He was after all, the only guy i felt understood me.
This time was actually the time i thought i fell in love with him.
It was being his friend after one year of troubles together, we became friends. We talked to each other almost daily, and just about each others days. I even dated someone else and through that, realized I wasn't over Jason. Jason and I opened up about everything. I learned many of his weaknesses and basically learned how to predict an unpredictable, famously unique, guy. I just felt like i could take on the world with him even as his friend...
Then my friends started to tease both of us again, because i told my best friend that "i think i love him."
He caught on questioned me for a week about it and i finally opened up. Do you remember the girl i told you he had a crush on while asking me out... yeah she was important. Turns out... the whole time... he liked her. It only took me to realize that he liked her.
My heart shattered...
*Part two is about recovery
To the girl who relates to this... stay strong... you are beautiful, i pray this never happens to anyone again... GET OUT OF THERE, there is someone out there for you who will be even more amazing... i promise,
Also if anyone feels like they relate don't hesitate to message me, I'll be here to support you.
Thanks for reading through the whole thing if you did :)
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