Why I Think Being An Introvert Is Ruining My Life

[Kayla45]

First of all I'd like to address that I was always a shy and closed type of person, never have been one to embrace the love from guys who noticeably wanted to have sex with me. I've grown a custom to being by myself that I feel like I'm missing out on one of the most beautiful aspects of life.

1. Spending time alone

I think this one is fairly important so I'm going to quickly go over it, I spend a lot of my time at home with little to no social interaction outside my family. This has put a strain on my social skills and makes incredibly awkward conversations with other people. I feel as though when I try to go out and spend time with others I panic and become afraid of going through with it. Perhaps the most stressful thing is going to work and coming home with nothing to do besides cleaning the house alone. It's awful spending so much time alone because you miss the best parts of life.

2. Slow to embrace new company

I struggle a lot when it comes to finding friends and a potential boyfriend, guys write me off as too boring in conversations or not what they expected and calls the dates off. It's very hard on my love life and social life knowing that being introverted as pretty much ruined the common core aspects of finding love or even close friends. Interaction with others should come naturally but not for me, unfortunately this is something I've accepted and have a hard time stepping out of my comfort zone to try again. The idea of being around others makes me scared which is why I think that being introverted has hurt my ability to make friends.

3. Afraid of people

And lastly something I want to say is frankly being as shy as I am, being in large crowds or around people in general raises my anxiety levels way past my usual normal self when I'm alone and secluded by myself. This ties in with the making new friends thing because I'm a social disaster in public settings. I think if I were less afraid and spread my wings a bit then maybe I could get past these problems one by one, until then though.. being an introvert has ruined my social life and many aspects of my sexual life as well.

4. Struggling to adjust to social queues and normalities

One other thing I struggle greatly with is learning how to read other people when they talk and how they react, this is something that has been plaguing my mind when it comes to socializing. The fact that I'm unable to tell when a guy clearly likes me is startling, brushing off love for a friendship, breaking many guys hearts. It's something I fail to see until it's too late. No one has a book in their head about how to act around others and social norms is another thing that I still continue to pick up on and struggle with still to this day. It's something that you have to learn over time but it seems like I was very late in learning these things.

If you made it this far, then thank you for reading, and I hope you are able to prevent the same mistakes I have gone through.

[lumos]

Most of these things actually don't have a lot to do with being an introvert. Introversion boils down to what types of activities you enjoy and how you recharge. Introverts tend to enjoy solitary activities, such as reading, writing, hiking, and working with different kinds of creative projects. Introverts recharge their energy by withdrawing from social activities and relaxing on their own. Extroverts enjoy activities that are more social, and also recharge by participating in these social activities.

A common misconception is that all introverts are shy, all introverts are terrible at social situations and absolutely hate going out and meeting people because it makes them anxious or they don't understand other people. This is completely false, these traits have nothing to do with being an introvert. These traits have more to do with a person's personality, upbringing, confidence, and possible mental or developmental disorders such as depression, general anxiety disorder, autism etc.

I'm an introvert and I love spending time with people. I'm confident, funny, great at reading people and social situations, and an empath. There's just a limit to how much time I can spend with other people until I feel exhausted. I love reading, drawing and writing. I used to be a lot more shy, but I've simply worked on my confidence and forced myself into situations that were uncomfortable, but I ultimately survived (and hence learned that doing xyz won't kill me).

To me, it sounds like you'd benefit a lot from going to therapy. A lot of the issues you're facing can't just be boiled down to you being an introvert. It seems like you aren't very confident, you suffer a lot from different types of anxiety, and you might also have some trust issues? One thing I want you to know is that you're not alone in facing these problems, and you definitely don't have to feel this way for the rest of your life if you're willing to do something about it. Talking to someone about these things and having someone listen, understand and help you could do wonders for you. These traits aren't necessarily inherent to who you are as a person, and I think there are things you can do to help yourself feel better and perform better in social situations.

[Flamdring]

Very well written. Fully agreed.

[Izumiblu]

Well , I think to help you get things in perspective. Introversion isn’t a bad thing you are kind of conflating introversion and shyness (or social anxiety). So for me I’m introverted but I’m not shy and have no general forms of social anxiety.

I like my alone time, it’s how I recharge. I also like social interaction on my own terms. I’ll never be the outgoing life of the party person with a bazillion friends. If I were put in that position I’d be so stressed out I’d probably wanna crawl in a pit and die.

Point is introversion isn’t anything to worry about, but social anxiety is. Social anxiety is fixable though and social interaction is a learned behavior not a gifted talent. You just need to work at it and be willing to make mistakes just like on anything else you might attempt to learn.

[NyfikenSyd]

Hi,

While i feel with you I think you are confusing introvert with shy, social awkward and reserved.
Introvert, in it's simplest explanation means that you get energy when you are alone. It doesn't mean that you cant/wont socialize, but afterwards you need and want time alone to recharge your batteries. The opposite is the extrovert who thrives in company and gets energy that way. They are depleted after too long alone with a good book.

I'm not saying this to say you are wrong - I'm saying it so that when you go looking for help online or professionally you ask/look for the right thing. It is not being an introvert that you need to address, it is your shyness and nervousness of being around people.

I do hope you find something that works for you. I'd personally recommend seeing a therapist for help. Good luck!

[Kayla45]

I know I got the term mixed up but I still think I have it to some degree because I'm tired being around people too, that's not saying I am 100% an introvert now that I know the difference, I'm just saying what I know now that I could be part of it.

[SpearsAndStones]

Well, at least your a woman where this shit won't follow you around your whole life. When you're a woman not having experience is "good". When you're a man not having experience is "bad". You'll be fine. You just have to accept interest. If you were a man, you'd be fucked. Because if you're a man who can't make a woman attracted to him by 21, you're fucked. But you're a woman. You'll be fine. Whatever personality traits you have as a woman, you'll still be able to find someone who likes you. If you were a man, you'd be fucked just for showing ANY emotion. So just count your lucky stars that you're attracting a gender that doesn't require you to fuck yourself emotionally before you're even in the running to be considered the correct gender, i. e. a "real man". "real man"="fuckboy" btw!

[MajorZero]

I couldn’t have said it better. Totally agree.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

I totally understand where you're coming from, and these are all things I've contemplated a lot myself over the years. I alternate between enjoying solitude and craving company, but by nature I'm an introvert.

But introversion itself is not the issue here.

See, introversion is just an indicator of how your body manages its energy levels. Extroverts GAIN energy around other people. Introverts DRAIN their own energy when around other people. All that means is that introverts have a "time limit" for how long they can comfortably tolerate being around people.

For an introvert, silence is golden, but that doesn't mean we can't get out our own heads and enjoy other people's company. It just means that we have to be realistic about how much "people stuff" we can expose ourselves to in one session... before getting "tired".

To understand this is to understand the source of your freedom. For instance, when I went to bars and clubs around age 18/19, I'd try to be super high energy all night long, but then I'd go home and not talk to anyone for 2 or 3 days afterwards, because my social battery was totally depleted. These days at a club or bar, I'll chat for a bit with friends, then peel off on my own for about 20 minutes, get a drink or whatever... then maybe I'll flirt with a cute girl a bit, maybe take her number... then find my friends again, chat a bit more, maybe have a dance... and then the moment I start feeling myself switching off for the night, I'll just get my jacket, say a quick goodbye, and leave. Knowing I can disengage and re-engage at my own leisure takes a big weight off my shoulders. Knowing I'm not tied at the hip to any one person or group of people is very liberating.

There's probably much more I could get into in response to your mytake regarding social anxiety, etc. I'm still kinda putting together the same puzzle pieces, as personal circumstances have turned me into something of a hermit lately, and so I've lost some of that "sharpness" in social situations, and old habits have started returning. But my parting question for you would be: If stepping out your comfort zone is so hard, then what would be an acceptable level of difficulty for you to take on as a challenge? If "making new friends" seems too hard right now, maybe you can try simply "leaving the house on Friday night and spend 1 hour in a public social space without leaving". Gradual steps, etc.

[Thomas_Shelby]

Your problem isn’t being an introvert, your problem is your lack of understanding and appreciation for the value of being an introvert. You clearly want to talk to people, make friends, have a romantic relationship, etcetera, that’s not something a true introvert would want, or at least not all of it.

There are two kinds of introverts: ones who simply prefer being alone but are still capable of talking to people, making friends, etcetera, and those who have certain things holding them back from doing so;anxiety, social pressure and stress, and maybe insecurity or lack of confidence.

I’ll give myself as an example, growing up as a kid I was an introvert, I read lots of books and did most of the stuff by myself. If it weren’t for this my IQ wouldn’t be nearly as high. I’ve advanced so much in the past 6-8 years just by reading all the time instead of hanging out with friends that I considered friendship useless and a waste of time.

Obviously you’re not like me, you don’t appreciate the benefits of being alone, the fact that 99% of the people you meet are too stupid or boring to have an interesting conversation with so you’d rather talk with Hawking through his book.

These sort of introverts, the ones that thrive when they’re alone, are true introverts. Being shy and unconfident in yourself isn’t what makes you an introvert. You are no doubt a true extrovert, you just had some difficulties along the way.

You’ll have to be brave and uncaring for the negative consequences. You’re years and years behind, but you’ll have to start sooner rather than later.

Go out (are you in university, how old are you, do you have a job). Answer those questions and I’ll get back to you

[MarkRet]

I'm an introvert, yet I've been married for 33 years. In high school, I was very withdrawn, and the only friends I had were a few guys who were in the same situation. I didn't even TALK to girls, because I didn't know what to say to them, and they usually made fun of me anyway.

A couple of years after graduating, I started doing things that interested me, like bowling and partying with co-workers (if you go to a party, you could either talk to somebody, or just wander around nursing a drink and listening in on whatever conversation was going on), inner-tubing down creeks with co-workers, and taking ice skating lessons. The thing about the skating was I could either talk to somebody, or just work on some skating moves by myself, which in some cases, somebody would come up to me and say, "That's a really cool move you did. How do you do that?"

Trying and doing all these kinds of things gave me a feeling of accomplishment and self-confidence, which then made it easier to interact. I'm still kind of an introvert, but I've come a long way from that scared high school nerd.

[TheKack]

I went through this as well. I know how hard it is to "just" go out and meet people. I actually only have most of my friends now because an extreme extrovert sat next to me and kind of forced social interaction on me. This won't work I all situations, but it definitely helped me.

I feel for you, and I wish there were a quick fix to all of this stuff, but there isn't. I will say that, sometimes, you just have to put yourself out there and hope. Being honest in your communications helps, especially concerning guys (subtlety is not our strongest attribute). Also, by prefacing interactions with, "I don't get subtlety well, so..." or similar, will allow guys to be more overt in their actions.

You can also start small. Try interacting with strangers online. Work up to voice calls over Skype, then video calls, and finally going out. There are anonymous ways to do this, you don't need to give out your name, number, or other personally identifiable information. Just go have conversations with random people.

I really do wish you the best of luck in your journey through life. I'm here if you need to talk, and I hope you will keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

I am introverted with social anxiety disorder and aspergers. It's definietely difficult so I relate to that.
I can take up to a year, and I usually do, before opening up to someone and for it to even take a year and not more than that we have to hang out pretty often. I value my alone time though as introverts do but if I really like someone I get attached and can hang out several days a week with them happily. That does not happen often however and it happens easier if it's someone i'm romantically into, much less often with possible friends. Even when it comes to romantic interests I need lots of time as I struggle greatly with emotional AND physical intimacy, I need to be very comfortable with that person first and really feel that I can trust them. How many people have patience for that in that in this world? Some do in my experience but they're harder to find. Many people take it as a personal insult when you don't open up to them as fast as most other people open up even when you try to explain that it's nothing personal, just the way you are with everyone. My life has been plaqued with misunderstandings. I don't know how many men i've hurt because my difficulties aren't visible - I finally got diagnosed at the age of 21 - so they've just assumed i'm playing hard to get, being rude or dismissive, disinterested or stringing them along. I've only ever managed to make male friends and they are similar to me so it works but we don't talk or see each other very often. Life gets lonley and even though I like being alone it's not always fun.

[Andres77]

You could also have Asperger’s. It’s a possibility. I was just diagnosed with it. I already knew I was an introvert. One thing that helped me was developing an expertise in a skill. Something I’ve always taught my daughters is that “competence breeds confidence “.
if you can focus on one aspect of your life and really master it, it will give you confidence in other areas and then develop another skill and your confidence will continue to grow. Then when you associate with others in the same hobby or community it will be so much easier to talk about because you know it so well. Then social skills will grow from exposure over time.

I know this is an old post. I just wanted to contribute and share what helped me.

[Kayla45]

You know what's intriguing is originally when I made this post years ago, at the time I didn't know I was autistic, but now I know that I have it. High functioning, but nevertheless I still appreciate the feedback, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. :)

[Andres77]

👍👍👍
Congratulations!
When you started describing yourself you were describing me. That’s why I responded.
Wishing you both all the best

[Aguysopinion4799]

I know this is serious, but... but... but it just feels so cute <3

I think it's because I have helped a large number of introverts to open up a little by little and I find their shyness to be super cute.

I prefer to help them with lowering the anxiety and fear of new people but I make it clear that it is okay to be shy, I don't intend on making them suddenly become 100% extrovert, I just like to help them socialise and not be afraid of people.

From your description, I do want to meet you, but I know I can't, it's just that you remind me of a college classmate I had 2 years ago :p

I hope your Introversy becomes less of a burden and more of a personality trait that doesn't consume you <3

[mistixs]

Being introverted shouldn't ruin your life. It's a personality trait. If it ruins your life, then you have a disorder, by definition.

Schizoid PD (which I have) is a pathological level of introversion. However, schizoidism involves being consciously fine with being alone (I say "consciously" because your subconscious still knows that it isn't healthy). If you're not consciously fine with being alone, then you probably have social anxiety disorder, or Avoidant Personality Disorder. If you have issues with social skills, it might be Asperger's.

You should see a psychiatrist to obtain a diagnosis and treatment.

[Raghav_Singh]

Its good to help others with your experiences. Good too see this.

[Eila_]

I'm a massive introvert too! and yes there are times when I feel like if I could just talk, I'd be able to do anything. My sister is an extrovert and she has such stronger connections with family members like our aunts, cousins etc.. I'm literally treated like I'm invisible most of the time, sometimes I do get a bit jelly and think "someone seeee me" lol, but I know it's on me. To be honest i'm happier alone anyway, we dont need to conform to meet other peoples expectations. Not connecting with people easily, makes all of the relationships I have even more special, i think anyway!

[pierre7i]

@Kayla45 you are able to express your thoughts clearly and in a nicely personable way... so whilst I do understand why you think of yourself as being an introvert I also believe that if you can articulate things in conversations with others (including with guys on dates) as well as you have written your thoughts about yourself here, you would have no problem being a delightfully interesting companion as a friend and as a romantic partnerAll you need is to build your confidence in yourself, it might take time but you can do it... you seem to have a really nice personality and if you allow yourself to develop self-belief you will be someone people genuinely enjoy being with, and your date (s) will be wanting to fill up your social calendar

[Girther10]

I read all of it. I’m having a hard time seeing anything that different than what problems most everyone has at least at some point. All of the things you mention about yourself that you blame for all your shyness, loneliness, introverted ness are all things that people overcome all the time.
I think maybe you’re overthinking some of these things, and maybe you’re just in a slump, or you’ve convinced yourself “woe is me”, and have given up.
You’ve done a good thing by posting this here. That’s something, st least, that shows maybe you really DO want to fix it.
Listen to these strangers and their suggestions, you might get lucky and stumble across something that helps. But I think everything you need, you have inside of you.

[Hanzo_Akuma]

From my experience I break this situation by talking to a lot of people online and participating in activities. For example if you have a function where people you know are attending you should join that function as well and it gives a good chance at meeting new people. Secondly, Increase your general knowledge, you can't talk unless you have a topic to talk on about. I watched a lot of news and read book's. It helped me with my vocabulary and it gave me knowledge to start a conversation with anyone. I have many tips and tricks which help me being comfortable in talking with strangers but the most important thing is Love yourself. You should stop thinking about what anyone thinks about you. Because they hardly care. Just. Be yourself and be proud of who you're.

[LiMBoH]

I can completely see where you're coming from, being an introvert myself. It used to be more of a problem for me so it is definitely possible to change.

If you feel like it's affecting your social and sexual life, that's because it probably is.

If you want to change, i'm gonna give you this advice and you have to really believe it and stick with it: you have to talk to more people.

There's no other way to really build your social skill besides actually socializing more even though it's really hard. Start slow though, set a goal of talking to one new person you otherwise wouldn't talk to once a day or once every couple days.

The process always feels dreadful at first, but after a couple days it gets much easier and after a week you'll be more desensitized to it.

I believe you can do it even if you don't use this advice OP!

[LiMBoH]

P. s. being an introvert is okay, you don't have to talk to everyone. However almost anything is bad in excess, including being too much of an introvert or too much of an extrovert.

[Sugar100]

I’m an introvert never had friends in elementary or high school and zero confidence however now at 22 I feel happy. I still don’t have friends but girls I have met been very mean to me and gossip. Leading me to not meet any special friend yet like sister. I never had boyfriend til barely literally just now as I knew guy since I was 19 and been very close and never connected with other men and they were jerks and want easy girls for sex only. I do love going to social events and go out but mostly to Vegas or concert or pool getaway or fashion show lol and I began my own online store so I attend business events now. But I am alone in home a lot just text boyfriend or parents. I mostly work do errands

[Sugar100]

So social things I do would be with boyfriend. But that kinda makes me feel it’s all I need.

[Sugar100]

Also don’t have family no siblings so makes it worse

[Sugar100]

But I do enjoy my alone time

[FatherJack]

Nothing at all wrong with being an introvert , never had any social phobias myself , many people assumed me to be more extroverted when younger. I have grown more introverted with age , also I have much less BS tolerance dealing with people. You may have some social anxiety / shyness, which does NOT make you a defective person. However , males deal with rejection far more than females , as we are not the default desired gender , and likely interpret this anxiety as you being disinterested , so don't take it personally.

[Anonymous]

I made friends with a very sweet shy girl two years back. She is one of the prettiest girls I have met and is very shy and quiet and reserved. And she is blissfully unaware of how pretty she is and feels as if no guys like her. She is not normally who I'd pick as friend since she didn't really enjoy going out, visiting new places or meeting people or flirting/dancing. So I made my sort of mission to introduce her to the world and make her feel happier and more comfortable.

She joined my ballet class and got a lot more confidence from performing. She made friends with a group of guys and is less shy around them. And we spent the last summer yachting in Italy, just having fun and being spontaneous. she actually has some really personality, and is super feisty sometimes. She is now one of my closest friends, and she has gained so much confidence in herself. I feel like a proud mum hahaha.

[audreyelove]

Who is it? Do you have my 14 yo daughter there or know where she is? I'm super worried about her

[Opinion Owner]

@audreyelove We're both 17 chill

[art84]

I myself am a introvert and when I was younger I would honestly not talk to anyone cause I wouldn't know what to say. I would stutter badly and talk every fast that people couldn't understand me. I always felt that I didn't know what to say around strangers or hiw to interact with people who were new. I couldn't pick up on social ques and certain people thought I was stuck up cause I ignored them or I was weird. I hated going out and would mostly stayed. home. It wasn't till a few years ago that I stepped put of my comfort zone and started going to concerts, sports events, movies, and slowly I got over my fear of being around people. Do I still get nervous? Yes I do as I have social anxiety and sometimes I get panick attacks. But they aren't as bad when I was in my teens and early 20's.

[Janncis]

Sounds like i would be reading about myself. Just back from tree day event with new students. Not fun if you are introvert, learned how to enjoy drinking and being social for a while. But at morings was introwert at his worst.
About dating, i still have no idea what im doing, nor an idea how girls are flirting. Just assume they are just friendly.
Sex, well if it happens, happens. I live only once, so might as well sleep with someone i find attractive enaught.

My point is you will learn to cope with yourself. You can learn how to be extrovert for some time.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

You just described anxiety not being an introvert. I tell you I'm an introvert and a salesman at the same time. It just mean being an introvert means you get drained when you're around with people instead of getting recharged. And yes being an introvert is prone to anxiety because they're generally sensitive which isn't a bad thing at all and when they get comments from people, they take it can personally so I say stop caring about what people think of you. If you think being alone is what's making you happy then you should be fine but you still have to manage your patience actually and learn to say no without being harsh. I know there are always snowflakes but it's not your always your fault.

[Aiko_E_Lara]

So if you're feeling you're missing out on a lot because you prefer being alone, just forget it. Everyone has a different happy place so you don't have to compare yourself to someone.

[MusicMayhem]

All of the problems you've mentioned are fixable. But you have to be willing to challenge yourself and expose yourself to a little discomfort to improve. I had social anxiety. Heck I still do. I didn't go to a club until I was 26. But I'm constantly improving and getting more and better opportunities with people in life.