Why Do Women Pretend to Be Sexually Decent With A Guy They Like?

[ManOnFire]

Hey, guys. Sorry, I'm doing it again. Having to put another question into Take form. I know, I know, but these days I am sort of having some chick adventures...or...maybe dilemmas? Lol. As I said in my last Take, I do not normally post a lot about my personal life but right now I guess I am looking for some insight from peeps in the GaG community. And unfortunately the details in my latest situation are a little longer than I intended but...

Here it is...

Lately I've been spending more time with a co-worker of mine, and we text pretty regularly. Not like all day every day but we do text at least little bit each day. I'm not gonna outright say we have feelings for each other or that even I have feelings for her entirely. I have liked her for a long time, since late last year, but we never even really spoke until recent months, which was small talk in passing. We ran into each other at the store one day a while ago and she was really excited to see me and of course I was. I felt like we were both advertising our singleness really hard lol, and asking each other a lot of questions about what we like and what we do and stuff, and she was even outright suggesting we could do things together, hang out, and go places. Then I asked for her number and she was excited about it and said she was actually gonna ask me for mine.

Since then we've been texting and meeting out at places a few times, not anything special, just opportunities to hang out as best as we can with all the COVID-19 going on. We talk a long time lol, getting to know each other and all. However, I can foresee the future and know certain things about people sometimes, but I don't like to call it being psychic and I don't like to go into a lot of detail about it, but during the times when we weren't together I could sense a disturbance in the Force. I began to sense that this girl likes me as just a friend and that she also has a fuckbuddy, which I was already preparing myself to find out.

So one day last week we met up somewhere like I asked, just wanting to spend time with her and see if there was anything I could get for my house and she wanted to see if she could get something for her new place. We sat in my car and talked a long time. About her ex, my ex, guys who come after her, dot dot dot. This girl is very beautiful and exotic, of another ethnicity but born and raised here, so she gets a lot of attention from guys, especially because she's very friendly for a beautiful woman.

She claimed to me that she's not really interested in dating anybody right now and needs to focus on herself and getting her life together, and that she's still trying to get over her ex. I told her that was disappointing lol, but tried to be humorous about it. She laughed and said she was sorry to hurt me. She also gets really comfortable telling me certain personal things because of how I make her feel, and she finally came out and said she does have a fuckbuddy, which is one of the other guys at work, simply for her sexual needs while she's single lol. Everything I sensed had been confirmed. When I told her I knew she was fucking someone she was shocked and kept asking me how did I know that. I told her I could just tell, that I've had experience with women enough to know things they're doing, and also know lies they tell (but I didn't say that part). Later that evening I was feeling the pain of finding it out though. It always hurts when you know a girl you like is sleeping with someone else. In recent days though I've been healing.

The other day we hung out for a short bit while I was on break (she was off) cuz I asked her to drop by. This time we sat in her car and ate and talked more. She mentioned again how guys come after her but she's not interested in dating right now, and felt like mentioning that she hasn't even been to see her fuckbuddy lately either. I just giggled but didn't say anything, just listened to her.

What I'm wondering...

So, guys, basically what I'm wondering, or what I'm making of our whole interaction is one of two things:

1. Part of me thinks this girl really does only like me as a friend, which I'm okay with because we do click really well, and in my real life I could use another friend who's a lot like me to help me get out the house more and get out of my comfort zone more, and I do like hanging around her. But I also think she's bullshitting about not being interested in dating anybody as a cover for the real fact that there is someone she's interested in and just wants to throw me off the scent, which cannot work because as I said, I know when I'm being lied to. But the mystery is that I don't know if this other person she's really interested in is her fuckbuddy or someone else. She did say she sort of has feelings for him.

2. But then the other half of me thinks she's bullshitting about not being interested in anybody just to keep me from trying when she actually might like me but is keeping me at a certain distance because she doesn't want to move too fast since she's still trying to get over her breakup. And if this really is the case I think she's either telling the truth about not even seeing her fuckbuddy lately because she does like me, or she's still bullshitting about not seeing him because she likes me and doesn't want me to think of her as a ho.

Often times when a woman really likes a guy she will stop having sex with other guys, and like what Matthew Hussey was even saying in one of his old videos, women have sex quick with guys they don't really like but make guys they do like wait a while before they have it. And then I personally also know that when a woman really likes you, she'll start pretending to be wholesome with you or even lie to you about not having sex with anyone else or in a long time so you won't think she's a ho. This is what I have experienced more than once in my past relationships.

Either way, I know this girl is bullshitting. I just can't figure out in which form and if it's because she really does like me or not. She always answers my texts even if it's later in the day, and I'm assertive so when I ask her to come see me or hang out with me she definitely does it. But I can't figure out what's what. So help me out here, guys. This is an interesting situation I can't quite decode. Any ideas? And if she does only want me as a friend and is bullshitting about not being interested in dating anyone, should I just drop her and move on?

[cast277]

If she is happy to hang out and spend time with you keep that up. It might just lead to friend zone but honestly what is the alternative? Nothing? Dont worry about what is the truth and what isn't. when you are with her just let the rest of the world go away stop thinking so dam much.

She probably hasn't been to see her fuck buddy because the nature of a fuck buddy is usually when the girl wants it and if she is spending time with you it is probably because she is choosing to spend that time with you rather then him. And the feelings she has for him are probably just sex feelings. There is no denying that passionate sex leads to intimacy. That being said most of the time those feelings go away when sex slows or stops. Or someone else comes in with pre established feelings.

Honestly just having a fuck buddy doesn't make someone a hoe. That's actually kinda the opposite. Having sex with one person rather then finding a random every time she needs to be fucked.

Just be cool and what ever happens happens.

[ManOnFire]

Okay, good points.

[Anonymous]

It goes like this... if you're not her boyfriend... then you're her girlfriend. The more attracted to you a woman is.. the more she will lie to you. She will lie to make herself appear whatever she thinks you want her to be. If she tells you the truth, then she's not really that attracted to you, or sees you as a friend. There are exceptions of course. In general, the strategy can be seen in exhibit A below..

[ManOnFire]

This is Spot On.

[Spirit1998]

I am not an expert and certainly don't have similar experiences to refer to myself, but maybe that allows me to be much more objective and open when evaluating your situation :)

I can also imagine what I'd want in this situation...

As people, we're always evaluating attraction subconsciously. Nobody ever looks at someone by evaluating friendship first, that happens as an after effect when no attraction is present. So initially, she was probably curious about you (especially considering that she gave you her number enthusiastically). With that said, maybe because of the turn your interaction has taken (: becoming too comfortable), things have started to feel more friendly and less like a potential romantic\sexual interest on her side.

ADVICE: You said you were assertive, which is a highly attractive quality for most women, so dial it up a little and tell her what you want. I don't mean necessarily tell her that you want a physical and emotional relationship with her (that might be too intense for her to hear if she's how you describe her), I just think you should take her off guard:

Get a little close, be seductive and tell her with certainty:

"When you're with me, don't speak of other men who can't fully stimulate you... We're going out tonight, meet me at (insert place here) OR I'll pick you up at (insert time here). "

Here you're setting your standard and you're also implicitly implying that other men don't stimulate her properly. Don't stimulate her like you could...

IF you feel like she's being responsive (make sure to pick up on that) and IF you're extra confident, you can respectfully add that you want her to put on something that she thinks you'll like, or wear a particular dress that she's already worn around you, or have her hair down... It's important to make her do something that requires more than just a friendly investment basically.

The point is, mix it up.

You won't look like a fool or like a friend if you're direct and putting more sexual energy out there. No cheesy lines, no private pics needed, just say what other guys might not dare to say, or demand, from your interaction.

Tell her, calmly and seductively, what's going to happen here... If she's not up for it, you'll at least remain in her mind as the guy who switched it up and told her what is what. You'll just come out as the guy with standards that this interaction isn't meeting.

And nobody just wants a relationship, we want a relationship with the right guy or the right girl. So don't be overly concerned with what she says, be concerned with her ACTIONS. And you can test these actions by taking her off guard like I suggest above.

Good luck!

[GISELLEBOSSY]

I don’t think he should tell her how to dress? Are you kidding me?

[Spirit1998]

@GISELLEBOSSY It's simply meant to be a fun suggestion added in a respectful flirtatious manner. I did add "IF" she's responsive towards the first part of the suggestion. It's certainly not necessary. It's only meant to be playful, no harm done!

[GISELLEBOSSY]

Yes, but not every girl would react to it positively, so better not make any outfit suggestions

[Spirit1998]

@GISELLEBOSSY I guess he'll have to evaluate what kind of girl she is and if she'd find that a little sexy and cheeky, or not. It might be safer not to, but I do think mixing it up and being slightly daring can peak someone's interest. Any variation of what I suggested above is fine, it's just about getting the message across

[GISELLEBOSSY]

I remember when my current boyfriend (at the start of our relationship) tried exactly that and how it failed miserably for him.

[Spirit1998]

I think it's great that you're pointing it out. It can of course not feel playful for all women. Guys just need to feel out the situation and respect the outcome. But I would personally find it a little intriguing if the guy I saw in a more friendly light just came out with something like that in a seductive tone. We're all different though, the dating game can be risky!

[ManOnFire]

@spirit1998 You gave some good tips, and in fact all that is something I've been thinking about, which seems to be a concesus with some other people I've spoken to in real life, so maybe that is the answer. We'll see.

[Spirit1998]

@ManOnFire Yes! Good for you. I really do think this will change it up. It will certainly start making her wonder about you if she hasn't been. I hope it works out!

[YourFutureEx]

I can't believe you said "I am not an expert" :D that was a solid advice.

[Spirit1998]

@YourFutureEx Thanks! ;) I haven't been in a situation like that myself so I'm careful when giving advice, but there are always a few things a man can do to stand out from the rest...

[Anonymous]

O. o

Women aren't stuck in one mode for their entire lives. You lead with different energies depending on the people around you or the context. If I am interested in a guy for more than just sex, I'm trying to get to know him as a person and make space for us to relate and bond on a deeper or more meaningful level. If I'm not interested in someone for anything other than sex, then I lead with just sex. Sometimes I'm in the middle, but usually my intention for a more serious relationship comes with... a more serious approach in getting to know him.

I guess we do know that a lot of men will not put in effort for a relationship if they're getting sex right away. Sometimes it's because they dont respect women, but sometimes its because they like the chase. I like the chase too, the sexual tension that builds up. And you're not her boyfriend, so you're not entitled to know anything about her private life. You're still getting to know each other from the sound of it. She really didn't have to tell you about the fuck buddy at all. Men don't advertise that they're fucking other women when they meet up for dates... why would women? You're really only entitled to that when you both agree to be exclusive and/or when you're her boyfriend.

Some men will actively lie about what they're doing sexually. I've experienced it before. They perceive me as the intellectual "good girl." I've even caught guys in lies because he didn't want me to view him or his friends a certain way. It's nuts, like not just doing different things with different people - LYING to my face about things they have or haven't done with this girl or another, and then me overhearing a completely different story when he's talking with his guys. Loco. lol

I'll be open about my love for sex at times, but if I don't know you well then it may not be appropriate. So you will probably think I'm very innocent. I'm not pretending to do anything, I'm just being me and being an adult who knows you don't say everything at every second with everyone. I don't think anyone who isn't my partner yet, or at least exclusive, is entitled to know anything about my sex life or who is in it.

I will hook up if I want to, but I tend to avoid it. It has happened before and once again recently, when I needed to find a friend with benefits because I was sooo horny. I was scared to do anything with a guy I liked (and lived with), because I still wasn't sure about him, what he really wanted from me. And by then I liked him too much to just jump into sex, get my feelings involved, and risk coming out hurt. Too risky. I'm weird and I'll get nervous about crossing that line with a guy vs someone I have no emotional attachment to. But also, sleeping with roommates can be a baaaad idea, even if the chemistry is insane.

[Shamalien]

absolutely genius

oh wait, WRONG, you're retarded and backwards in so many ways I can't even. Imagine being a guy who really likes you, and you like him too, but you're such a fking idiot that you think it's a better idea to just run off and find a hook up.

Just wow.

[Opinion Owner]

@Shamalien

Calling me names does nothing here, honey. Try explaining yourself rationally without insults, or considering someone else's perspective.

I've already given a little bit of insight into why I made that decision. It's a really bad idea to start having sex with someone you may have feelings for, if you're not sure that he even intends on pursuing something serious with you. It was a fucking messy situation - trust me, I know I made the right decision even though I still miss him. Aside from being roommates, there was tension everywhere, we were so different, some of our ways of communicating were unhealthy in my opinion, he would drop hints and comments instead of just telling me how he felt (to be fair, I did the same), etc. If it had been a situation where healthy, open communication was the dominant factor and I knew without a doubt he wanted to pursue more with me, then I wouldn't have hooked up with anyone else.

[Opinion Owner]

This was more of a "high sexual tension, love being around each other, but also piss each other off and disagree on some pretty important/big things and neither person wants to get hurt so neither one makes the first real move" kind of thing. He would tell me about all these girls he has pulled in the past and how hot they were, that he wanted to hook up with his ex to get back at her for cheating on him (after a failed attempt at trying to get me to have sex with him, I might add), etc. I asked if he had slept with her and he lied to my face. I only found that out after we no longer spoke to each other. Then again, my other roommate and I were sitting right outside his door when she came over and the room went silent for a period of time - it doesn't take a genius to figure that out. So it seems my gut feeling about him was right. There was one night I swore he had brought someone else home, but he claimed he didn't. I woke up hearing a guy literally saying, "I want you to fuck me right now." And he has a specific voice that sounds nothing like the roommate he tried to pin that on. Who knows really. "A guy really likes you and you like him too" isn't enough if we aren't compatible and do nothing but bump egos, avoiding seeing each other for who we really are, and I feel like there's a heavy dose of immaturity and unhealthy communication, on both parts. Or you aren't even sure you want to date each other. Adding sex into that is an easy way to become even more attached to someone who is probably the wrong guy. He was an asshole to me sometimes as well. I think some of that was due to our differences and him feeling judged by my opinions, but still. I couldn't risk being more attached to someone who didn't show me a high level of respect, affection, and kindness. Maybe I wasn't showing him that either, I don't know. Something would have had to change with that first. A rando I meet online is a much lower risk for emotional damage or long-term unhealthy relationship.

[Opinion Owner]

Having said that, I do wish I had done some things differently, looking back. I do empathize with him and maybe I shouldn't have shared that I hooked up with someone else. We had this fake friendship veneer on top of everything, so I was used to just talking to him that way even though I knew there was way more happening there than just friends. I felt like he hurt me by some things in the way we interacted, so I ended up pushing him away anyway. But I can see some of the ways I might have hurt him too without realizing it at the time. I definitely didn't want to hurt him, but not hurting myself has to be a top priority.

[Shamalien]

Im not reading all that. Clearly I hit a nerve. Look past the names I called you and see the advice, then take it

[Opinion Owner]

@Shamalien

lol You're pleasant. I was just giving context, I don't actually care about your opinion. Have a nice weekend, honey.

[cush_ebo]

Thanks for your private context explanstion. Yes it's sounds weird to go for dating other when you have something right in front of you. But after all this tension past and this lack of communication... will you contact him right now to check and tell him your level of attention to him? Or you better pass?

[Barbaric]

They do it with guys they see as potential long-term boyfriends because they want the guy to not think she's a slut and then lose interest for that reason.

It's not necessarily true that they have sex quickly with guys they don't like though. Usually they do like them but either:
1) They're really into them pretty quickly, feel strong attraction to them so they end up having sex with him for that reason - in these cases it's because they like these guys more than most guys they've dated. They probably regret it afterwards, not because they didn't enjoy it but because they wonder if it will make him judge them negatively, take them less seriously and leave as I mentioned before.
2) They know that the guy probably isn't long-term boyfriend material, as in he's unlikely to commit or to be a good stable boyfriend, but he's hot and she's single so they see no harm in it knowing that it's only gonna be a casual thing anyway. They basically have nothing to lose here.

Here it sounds to me like there's perhaps some interest, but not a huge amount. Very often actually as with all I said above, women will often accept something casual with a guy in the hope that eventually he'll commit to them. She might be doing that with the guy she's having sex with now, but she doesn't want to openly say that to you because if it doesn't work out maybe she'll try to date you.

To put it bluntly you're probably plan B guy. Either that or she knows you're interested in her and likes the attention she gets from you, she's not really interested in you, but she says "I'm not ready to date right now" to give you the impression that their might be a chance for you at some point in the future to keep you there.

[ManOnFire]

Yep, everything I'm thinking.

[ManOnFire]

@barbaric What I've been thinking for days is just telling her that I don't think we should hang out anymore. Because I don't wanna be that guy who isn't sexually or physically attractive but settles for just being the friend. I've done that in the past before. And not really interested in being it again. I'm gonna tell her that, and I know she'll probably be sad or maybe even angry, but I know my worth and at this point in my life I'm tired of putting up with the common woman who's mind is compartmentalized and sees you as a "good guy" or whatever, but still doesn't find you to be attractive. Nah, too many women out there like that.

[Barbaric]

There's no need to even do that, and since you work with her that's bound to make things awkward. If she gets mad about it and starts acting like you're the asshole in the situation, that makes things even more awkward for you. In this case I'd just begin to text and speak less, and make excuses not to hang out - without showing any sign of any of this. Act like everything's fine and that you're just busy doing other stuff.

[ManOnFire]

But I feel like I want her to know that I know what's going on. I don't like people thinking I can be their fool.

[Barbaric]

Just by pulling back you'll do that, only she won't be able to call you on it and make you the asshole.

[ManOnFire]

What is the point in being adults if you can't be straight with somebody? If she could be straight with me about not looking for a relationship, then I can be just as honest about letting her know that I don't want to settle for just being a guy friend on the sidelines.

[Barbaric]

Do that if you want to. I just wouldn't do it with someone I was working with is all.

[btbc92]

And this is what happens when you do not befriend anybody oh, and you keep speaking to somebody who doesn't share your values. You already know her history, you know she had premarital sex, how can you expect her to be decent or be any different sexually? You should not even be interested in that kind of person. For somebody who says that, that's a red flag. A person who is not interested in dating would not be screwing around other people. That's why you have to screen them out. They don't want to be judged but they do the very thing that wants somebody to be want somebody to be judging them by their choices. That's why I always tell people, stop falling for the looks, and the personality. get to know the person as a person. What you have going on is intuition. And if you saw something about her, what you did, you need to listen to your intuition it was a warning. Time to drop the person. Girls like her need to seriously think about their choices and the consequences of going to come from them. Sadly a lot of them don't until it's too late. The same with many men.

[ManOnFire]

These are definitely all things that I've been thinking about, yeah. Except that we are a lot alike on some things, and I actually didn't go for her because of her looks.

[btbc92]

Well thank God you found out sooner.

[ManOnFire]

What I've been thinking for days is just telling her that I don't think we should hang out anymore. Because I don't wanna be that guy who isn't sexually or physically attractive but settles for just being the friend. I've done that in the past before. And not really interested in being it again. I'm gonna tell her that, and I know she'll probably be sad or maybe even angry, but I know my worth and at this point in my life I'm tired of putting up with the common woman who's mind is compartmentalized and sees you as a "good guy" or whatever, but still doesn't find you to be attractive. Nah, too many women out there like that.

[btbc92]

But man. Love has nothing to do being sexually and physically attractive. That's why you keep getting hurt.

[btbc92]

Because you still haven't learned your lessons.

[ManOnFire]

You're mixing the 2 where I didn't. I didn't say love had anything to do with physical attraction. My point is that initially being attractive to someone usually starts with physical appeal.

[btbc92]

It's still the same thing. I didn't mix the two. You worded it much differently than I did. If you want to be the initial attraction to someone based on physical appeal you're still going to get hurt. My answer hasn't changed. You should be loved for who you are not because who's somebody sees you as using your physical appeal. That's all an act. You won't be able to find what you seek that way.

[ManOnFire]

Your answer is still the same according to how you see it. Not how I see it.

[ManOnFire]

I called on you through the waves to answer this Take, because I thought you might have a good idea, and your initial answer made a lot of sense, but then I think you got lost somewhere in this thing about love and being physically attractive.

[btbc92]

No, that is not how I see it that is exactly how love is supposed to be when I told you what I told you. You think love is a certain way but yet you can't accept it. There's something going on in your life that made you feel and believe that being physically attractive is what a person supposed to do in order to Wally want to be with you in their life. That is not how it's supposed to work. As I had explained to somebody else before. Love is a choice. It's not based on physical attraction, or solely based on how you feel. It is an emotion, but it's not feeling and it isn't driven by feelings. Is driven by our choices to love. Which you're basically asking is out of the premise of lust, as well as the fantasy version of love. But that's not how it works in the real. I did not get lost anywhere. I knew exactly what you was asking about. And I'm telling you unless you change that mentality you going to keep going through this same thing. I said what I said because I found a root cause of your problem and that's exactly what I told you. Until you change it, once again, you're going to end up with the same problem with these women. The truth is you didn't need me to answer your question. You already know the answer because you just admitted the answer now the real question is, when are you going to get rid of it in order for you to be happy?

[btbc92]

Because the path that you're taking on is going to cause greater misery. I always knew you had this problem, and I'm shaking my head while you doing it. You're basically choosing to be unhappy. You can't walk backwards expecting to move forward I say that all the time for a good reason. But you've been doing this for so long, it now became your habit. I know it's not the answer you want to hear, but I'm telling you the facts. You decide what kind of life you want to live. You're getting older not younger. Because that means you're searching for something that you don't even have within yourself, and if you don't have that within yourself then that is something that nobody else can really give you. You got to start loving yourself. When you start loving yourself you don't need all that what you're saying just to attract somebody that really wants to be with you.

[ManOnFire]

"I always knew you had this problem, and I'm shaking my head while you doing it."
- Are you sure you're thinking of the right person?🤔 Because this is the first post of mine you've answered in a loooooong time, and I remember you once had me confused for someone else before...

[lightbulb27]

Good job seeing past her BS and I would discard what she says about not dating and state what you are looking for and see if she goes for it. She doesn't sound stable enough to trust what she's saying:)

That behavior ups her value and makes you see her as available.
She is making lots of moves to make you make the move to pursue her in my view, Id say she is very interested.

My suggestion is to figure out what you want and then go after that and pull her into your world with your needs clear (committed no FB) and see if she comes with you. It could be a wild ride (the not over prior boyfriend is a major concern... and clearly she hasn't cleaned up her mess and is emotionally confused... major red flags already). Not ideal for dating ya know, but you also are not friendzoned yet. Friendzone may be the safe bet:)

It gets into a scenario of how do you "un-F..." her life and get to a good place. Clearly you are taking on a project... be aware of that, maybe it's a good one, maybe it's too much. good luck.

[ManOnFire]

Everything I'm thinking, dude. I just need to say something.

[Anonymous]

I've seen women do this. However, as I got older, I learned how to bring out their sexual side. It just comes with experience. That's all. You have to bring out her sexual side. If you talk to her as a friend and keep things nice and clean, she is going to return that energy. You need to flirt with her and bring out her sexual side. For example, here is a scenario:

Her: I already have a fuckbuddy.

Me: Well, damn. That's too bad. You're missing out on this huge dick then.

I know that sounds cheesy, but it works. Just say it in a joking and sarcastic tone and it will make her laugh. Or... if you are on snapchat with her, turn it up a bit. Take "fun and revealing" snaps and send it to her.

How I used to flirt with women is that I used to take a shower, and when the mirror was partially fogged up, I used to stand in front of the mirror naked and the foggy mirror would cover up my man parts. I would then leave a caption that says, "should I take another picture when the fog clears up?" This would leave the girl flustered and she would often reply with something flirty or sexy.

[ManOnFire]

Lol. I actually did flirt with her like that when she told me she had a fuck buddy but she just laughed and said, "You stupid." Lol. All she does is just laughs when I make sexual flirts with her.

[likelyOK]

There's your answer not interested

[sadiefluff]

Yeah... I don’t like the sound of this girl. It sounds VERY much like she LOVES the attention she gets from all of the men that apparently “go after her” and needs to mention it a lot to you (she likes to see you get jealous)... but not because she actually likes you, just because she LOVES all of the attention (I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s saying the same things to all the other guys too). I’m sorry, what she’s doing is NOT cool. I’ve met women like this, they’re attention whores. If you up and ghost her suddenly - it will drive her NUTS, but again, remember, it is NOT because she likes you 😕 It’s because that gives her ego a huge hit and she can’t stand it. She might even get angry depending on how much it threatens her ego... 😬 The idea that one of her male worshipers isn’t going to take her crap.

[ManOnFire]

It could be.

[elisa_0]

This answer sounds plausible.

[NATRAL]

Ima take some notes from this reply, might come in handy in the future

[Levin]

100% on this. She's just stringing him along.

And yes, it would drive her nuts if he ignored her. But as soon as he indicated any interest again, she'd just go cold. To me, the guy should totally close off more than friendship with her. Date other women. And if she starts becoming interested again, you have that so called *assertive* conversation. 'Don't fuck me around. If you want a real relationship then let's have one, but don't mess with my feelings.'

[sadiefluff]

@Levin EXACTLY

[Anonymous]

This is a great question. Also thanks for all the detail. Here's my take:

Let's start at the very end of what you wrote: "should I just drop her and move on?" Drop her from WHAT? The non-relationship you have with her? The no sex you're having with her? I point this out not to be a dick, but to illustrate the point that you don't "have" anything in particular with her at this point. I think you THINK you have "a shot" with her and that you believe if you don't take it now you somehow still "have" it but I don't think that's the case.

Rather, I think you need to ponder a bit on the difference between you and the other dude at work. Both of you knew this girl, both of you interacted with her in some way. And I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that both of you wanted to have sex with her. However, he's actually doing it, and you aren't. Why IS that? What could you do differently next time?

My guess is he was pretty up front about what he wanted. He asked her out on a real date and when the moment was right he went in for a kiss. I'd be willing to bet a TON of money she didn't initiate it--he did. And I'd be willing to bet money that he also escalated from that kiss to a passionate make out, to getting her top off, pants off, etc., etc., all the way to orgasm and round 2, 3, 4, you name it.

Think about what you want, and thing about how your strategy has worked and how this dudes alternate strategy worked. Which one got the results desired this time? Which one is more likely to get the results desired in the future? What could you learn and adapt into your behavior?

Again, I'm not trying to be a dick. I recognize what you're going through because I've been through it to. And believe me--I was NOT your co-worker--I was YOU! lol! I just wish I would have sat back, though about it and figured this shit out YEARS before I did. I would have saved me a TON of pain and wasted time and would've opened up a TON of opportunities!

[ManOnFire]

All wrong.

"I point this out not to be a dick, but to illustrate the point that you don't "have" anything in particular with her at this point. I think you THINK you have "a shot" with her and that you believe if you don't take it now you somehow still "have" it but I don't think that's the case."
- What I do have with her right now is friendship.

The other co-worker who is her fuckbuddy got her simply because she met him a lot sooner than I met her. None of us knew each other all at the same time. From what she tells me, it's just sex between them. She doesn't actually like him romantically, she just goes to see him for sex literally every few weeks according to her, and she also said they don't even text very often, only when they're trying to meet up.

[Opinion Owner]

So, do you want to have sex with her or not? Perhaps I misunderstood what your goal here is.

[ManOnFire]

I would like both sex and a relationship.

[Opinion Owner]

Cool man--that's what I thought. I guess the main thrust of my attempt at advice is to establish the "sex" part first and the "relationship" part second. I used to try to go the other way around and it's not nearly as good a strategy.

[Peanut127]

Maybe her fuck buddy is a friend of urs at work and she feels guilty now that she sees u liking her. I dated through online world, younger 20s. i could 'read ppl' by how they spoke.

I'd be her friend and even make a lie ur dating a chick but tell this girl things like "ur features are better ;)" just to make her feel good that u trust her with personal stuff. Maybe u can ask who her fuck buddy is "cause if he hurts u ill kick his ass!" lol that shows u care for her. Then one day if she asks u about ur dating girl just shrugg it off "it didn't work out" she might get all curious like "why not? Ur really cute and easy to talk to" ;) then u may see her feelings about u. If that made sense lol

[ManOnFire]

Lol. I know who the dude is but he and I don't talk.

[Alex_988_2]

lol slut

[short_chick]

In my opinion, looks like we’re going through the same thing just in reverse lmaoo
I’m into this guy and we talk A LOT. But yes i am also very frequently seeing my fuckbuddy. In all honestly a girl MAY tell you one thing just to throw you off but in my situation i just want one of them to tell me what they really want from me and maybe that’s what SHE wants. Even though she says she doesn’t want a relationship doesn’t mean you guys can’t go on a date here and there. She seems like she trying to keep her options open because these days you can’t invest all your emotions into one guy sometimes because someone ends up getting hurt.
I’d say just ask her and see if you can take her out sometime. Seems like y’all are still friendly even after she told you all that so maybe you could still remain friendly if you ask her out 🤷🏻‍♀️

[ManOnFire]

Yeah, it's a really complicated case. I did tell her that day when she said she wasn't looking for a relationship that I did want to be the one for her but she insisted that she's not looking for that. So I've just kind of kept it at friends right now just to see if eventually she'll be more interested. I think that too, that she's trying to keep her options open.

[neurolove]

First off. No girl would admit to having a fuckbuddy if she was interested in you. Secondly, what kind of girls have fuckbuddies? Delusional ones. She is probably in a situationship with that guy. She fell for him. Thirdly, I think you just want a challenge and not really her. Why else would you bother after she point blank said she didn't want a relationship? What she really meant is she didn't want one with you. She is stuck on that other guy. I only see trouble ahead if you pursue even a friendship with her. If course if you like drama, go for it!

[elisa_0]

?
I know plenty of girls with fuckbuddies... lol wtf? That doesn’t make her delusional. Why would she be delusional just because she has a fuckbuddy?

Wow you're so negative in this post.

[ManOnFire]

"No girl would admit to having a fuckbuddy if she was interested in you."
- Interesting point, however, what's odd is that she now says she hasn't even been seeing the guy lately, which may or may not be a lie. Either way, whether it is or isn't, if she only saw me as just a friend, what would be the point in even lying to me about not seeing her fuckbuddy lately as if I would care, if I was just a friend?

"She is probably in a situationship with that guy. She fell for him."
- She did say she 'sort of' liked him, yet kept putting emphasis on how he's just a sex toy for her when she has sexual needs. Also, if she replies to a text I sent her hours ago or replies the next morning, she always feels the need to explain that she couldn't answer before because she was busy, exhausted, etc. when I honestly don't expect an explanation from her and even tell her that.

"Thirdly, I think you just want a challenge and not really her."
- There would be no point in that for me.

I know I asked for people's opinions to this situation - and I'm open to everyone's thoughts, but I gotta say that your premise to it is one of the dumbest, abusive, and not particularly empathetically reasoned ones.

[neurolove]

Wow, 2 delusional people replying here. Ok, let's say you're right. She secretly likes you? What's the point? Maybe she's just beating you at your own game and you can't handle it. And for the other delusional person who thinks women are able to have sex without getting attached. You're In denial. You both have that in common. Maybe you can be fucktards together. lol And I didn't say anything but truth. If you can't handle it, don't ask. So go fuck yourself!! I'm done with stupidity. Muthafucker!!! . NOW you can call me abusive and dumb. Before, I gave an experienced example. But maybe you didn't like the fact that I called you a drama queen. This proves you are. Here's your fucked up drama for you. I'm just your mirror right now.

[likelyOK]

I agree with some of this, but there is nothing wrong with him wanting a friendship, but yeah she is not interested.
Also I don't think anything implies that she fell for the fuck buddy, just that she is interested in him sexually but not the other guy.

[elisa_0]

@neurolove 😂 Wow you’re so traumatized and ignorant asf.

[neurolove]

@likelyOK if you only knew how many women I know who fell into that thinking that a fuckbuddy is all it is, countless women develop feelings for the guy because we as women are not built that way.

[neurolove]

Elisa, you have no clue. That's clear as day.

[ManOnFire]

@neurolove "Maybe she's just beating you at your own game and you can't handle it." - I don't even know what "game" I would be playing.

"And for the other delusional person who thinks women are able to have sex without getting attached." - You gotta be damn stupid to begin believing that.

I don't know what kind of 'love' you know or are even talking about, but I doubt you're getting any with your 'neuro'tic ass self.

[Alpha09]

Lol "we as women" @neurolove is damn near in her 40s she's not changing her mind guys, I've heard that line before. It's older generation thinking, I wouldn't waste your time.

[neurolove]

@Alpha09 lol oh I'm so butt hurt.

[neurolove]

Older generation.. lol like you have a clue. Hey, so idiots. Have fun with your fucked up thinking! I tried. Some people have to learn the hard way.

[Alpha09]

@neurolove wasn't really talking to you but ok lol😂

[Shamalien]

This girl droppin straight TRUTH up in hyah

[Alex_988_2]

so what is truth? girls have fuckbudds or they dont?

[elisa_0]

@Alex_988_2 Plenty of them do and they’re just fine with having fuckbuddies and then going their separate ways. This girl is just delusional 🙄

[Shamalien]

@elisa_0 wrong, YOU are delusional, SHE is extremely intelligent and you'd do well to listen to what she is saying instead of walking away with a SHITTY, WRONG understanding of what she communicated to you

[elisa_0]

@Shamalien How am I delusional? It's true. I've had a fuckbuddy before. And I haven't even thought of him in 3 years. I never got attached to him, and I know lots of girls who do the same. Lol, how is that delusional? She's wrong. Simple

[likelyOK]

well I don't have them but I know this one guy I date sometimes and like to have sex with I'm not head over heels about him

[Shamalien]

@elisa_0 read what the smart woman said, she explained it perfectly. I mean keep in mind though, that advice is for people who still have a portion of their soul intact, so results may vary

[Shamalien]

@elisa_0 like tl;dr you either get attached to them in some way and it ends badly for you, or you are so completely and utterly detached from your emotions in that area, the cognitive dissonance is so strong, that you aren't aware of what's going on under the hood. People like you end up in therapy or on hard meds

[MillieBrunette]

@Shamalien being rude and arguing again are we? Nice and owned once again I see. 🤭

[elisa_0]

@Shamalien Are u ok? You really seem like you’ve had bad experiences with girls. I’m not disconnected from my emotions. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I love and care for. But that doesn’t mean I’ll be attached to every single man I have sex with. That’s ridiculous lol your mindset is toxic

[elisa_0]

@MillieBrunette 😂😂😂

[MillieBrunette]

Oh shamalien is always getting owned by girls on here and aguing with them

[elisa_0]

He’s literally so traumatized 🤭 i don’t see anything wrong with a girl enjoying her sexual life and freedom. He apparently does. Bless his heart 🙄

[MillieBrunette]

Oh shamalien was calling me every name under the sun for before

[Shamalien]

@MillieBrunette lol can u gals go flick yer beans somewhere else please? I have plenty of good female friends on this site, don't be so butthurt you two are too immature to be among em

[elisa_0]

@Shamalien Female friends? maybe they haven’t seen your crazy side yet

[MillieBrunette]

I think girls out smarting him chips at the ego.

[Alpha09]

😂😂 @MillieBrunette @elisa_0 that guy can't stand it when women talk about doing what they want sexually, I don't know what his deal is.

[MillieBrunette]

Legit 💯

[Alex_988_2]

Well ladies I've been fuckboy of a girl before, and she then told me she's into me now, when told her I'm bored of fucking her again and again she begged me to stay and keep fucking her lol... so she got attached..
And more 20 yos chicks here who can confirm that fact?

[elisa_0]

@Alex_988_2 But it's not about gender though. There are lots of guys who also get attached to the girl and the girl wants to leave his ass... It's not about women/men, more about the person itself

[MillieBrunette]

Wtf has gender got to do with it?

[Alex_988_2]

Actually it has something with gender, bc 'mostly' you would see girls getting attached and boys, not. And even in my case, a few days back she somehow texted me so I got to remember there was this slut too lol when I've doing other girls lately.
And what I've seen, not many girls have fuckboys. At least in my country. What about your place?

[elisa_0]

@Alex_988_2 I live in denmark so maybe that varies from country to country, but in here there are plenty of girls in their teens who have fuckbuddies and they dont get attached at all... But if it varies from place to place it means it's not about gender then. It's more about the culture

[Alex_988_2]

@elisa_0 every where in the world you would hear this so it's a gender thing. And by saying place to place, i meant girls don't have fuckboys depending on cultures. I lived in Ukraine.
I am not good in committed relationships. I had ego issues so it never worked for me in long term so I always ended up like this. But I'm mature now and I realize you can't just keep fucking worthless cunts for the life. So that is why I had to stop doing this and had to get maturity. Yes there are a lot of immature young teen girls who would spread their legs around but as they get mature, they realize they had been just sluts, and same for guys as in my case, and learned nothing about real life. (I'm not saying you a slut in degratory terms)
Anyway most female friends I have (in USA) don't have fuckbudds. They are in early 20s. Some have/had and they are repenting now, who obviously are mature.
You just can't keep lying to yourself for long, as in my case. You have to ultimately get intellgent and mature, the sooner the better.

[elisa_0]

@Alex_988_2 ? But it being mature or not has nothing to do with attachment. I know it's immature for everyone to have a fuckbuddy and never commit lol, all I'm saying is that there's plenty of women who have friends with benefits aka fuckbuddies (a *lot* of them do) and they don't get attached at all. It's just who they are, it's nothing necessarily bad. But of course, someday they'll have to settle down if they want to have a fulfilling relationship, same for guys. That's all.

[elisa_0]

This often happens in college and at the end of high school or during the summer before college. It's just part of being young for many girls (and guys).

[Alex_988_2]

@elisa_0 it was nice talking to you. Tc

[elisa_0]

@Alex_988_2 You too I guess.

[cush_ebo]

Hey, do you like pineapples? I've plenty of them in Cameroon plus chocolate. More juice while I learn about no feelings... I like fruits and you? 😋

[Tstrbrainer]

I think people can have sex without having any attachments, it depends on the person, not on the gender

[Aakash_Hangargi]

You are totally right about the fuck buddy as well as someone else she's interested in unfortunately shd is not interested in you as a romantic relationship though, a girl who is confident enough to have a fuck buddy and acknowledge it would have no fear in accepting love for you it is as simple as that yes offocourse she we will hide certain things from you in order to be polite or not to seem as promescius a women's mind Is a treasure of secrets I think you know everything so dropping it and moving on would be best

[DizzyDesii]

I said the same like if she's confident enough to admit she got a friends with benefits but isn't even hanging with him that much then i feel the friends with benefits is a made up excuse as to why she won't make physical moves with him. Girls lie about talking to someone all the time when they dont wanna hurt you. But i think she's keeping him around as someone she can vent all her probs too cause he makes her feel comfortable. And subtle flirting is a way to keep a guy around enough to give him hope so that he’ll stay and listen. Its sad but true

[Aakash_Hangargi]

Yes, i agree but I feel fuck buddy is there here in this case she wants a confident and and a backup incase something goes south but if he wants to stay friends nothing wrong with it but should not hope anything more than pure platonic

[ManOnFire]

@DizzyDesii Omg you really don't listen lol. She doesn't vent to me just to have me as a girlfriend. She does it when she's comfortable enough to tell me, and some things she still won't even tell me about.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea I've done that to lots of dudes. But okay i’ll stop giving my perspective

[ManOnFire]

@DizzyDesii I know I asked for everybody's opinion - and that's fine, but I'm not a naive newbie to women. I can see everything that's going on like I laid out in the Take. I'm just looking for people to soberly review my situation who don't see it as a joke.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea and i dont see it as a joke. Im legit speaking as if i was in her shoes. I just feel she's done the unspoken friendzone

[ManOnFire]

@DizzyDesii Could be.

[EGarzona]

Women and men both will hide details of their sexual behavior in hopes to maintain trust. Both men and women lose interest if sex happens too soon. If you like someone wouldn't you put in the effort to keep them around including holding out on sex? I think she is playing games and although you seem to be infatuated with her you should probably pass up on her. She seems like she's playing games. Don't let her treat you like an option if how you feel is serious.

[kencu67]

High quality guys and girls don't hide details about their sexual behaviour. Especially not in order to maintain trust. How could I expect the other person to trust me when I know I'm lying to her? Anyone with a moral compass would know that it's bad. If someone has a sexual history worth hiding, that person needs to take responsibility for them and understand that it will be a putoff for people.

[Barbarian8]

Love your feedbacks. One girl showed Interest on me. Then after that she made friend request on Facebook and I accepted. Guess what, I found out she had two accounts and she added me on Facebook by the unofficial one. For me , she is in or not. No kid's game

[kencu67]

Forget Facebook and social media. These should not be indicators of interest or relationship. It's just a piece of software. Unfortunately it has too much power. But all it is is a bunch of 1s and 0s.

Also for me it's an instant red flag if the girl's Instagram is all about her selfies with hundreds of guy followers. But I actually love Instagram because thanks to it it's easy to avoid the overt narcissists.

[Barbarian8]

I am with you. But having all your friend and family on social media except the guy you show interest does not ring well

[kencu67]

Well I only use Facebook for messenger (some people are not on WhatsApp) but I don't use the "social media" side of it. I guess she would say that she's not sure, you're not her boyfriend blablabla while all of this is avoided if you're like "You know what? F... Facebook and all of that nonsense" :D Even just thinking about "Why she doesn't add me" etc. wastes so much of your time which you could have spent on something meaningful :D I have been there too, worrying about this Facebook nonsense and the moment I stopped caring about all of that, my life became instantly happier :D

[ManOnFire]

@EGarzona Yeah, this is what I'm thinking too.

[_SOARER]

That woman is abused and broken, she may be beautiful but she is disturbed.
Women know that if they were to reveal a promiscuous past a Good man wouldn't consider them worth committing to, and rightfully so.

Its usually the sexual promiscuous who lack all morality, why would she should tell the truth? and why would she behave rationally?

She is trying to get over her ex but screws some guy just for her sexual needs, instead of controlling her sexual impulses until she can find someone who actually cares about her.

Poor woman

[ManOnFire]

I definitely agree with your last part.

[Levin]

Part of me thinks if she says she's not interested in some form, then she's not interested. Maybe I've had my fingers burnt too many times in the past, but I really can't be bothered with that bullshit anymore. Guys have to remember to have self-respect first and foremost. Don't beg or chase girls when they're fucking you around like that.

Also, if a woman starts saying she's got a fuck buddy, then it kind of puts me off anyway. And it puts me off even more that she'd rather get a cheap shag, and puts that before some kind of deeper connection. To me personally, I say, just let her do her own thing. Easier said than done, of course.

[DizzyDesii]

#1 y'all were in your car and didn't even makeout? That would def make me assume friendzone. i think she did like you at a point but as she got to know u more, she prob lost interest (for example if i found out you smoked, i’d use some excuse like not ready to date as well)... but at the same time, if she has an actual fck buddy and hasn't seen him yet is hanging out alone with you and not even makin ANY kind of move makes me feel you’re friendzoned and that she just likes to vent to you

[ManOnFire]

But she doesn't vent that much, and she's the one who keeps suggesting we should get together at her place and do something.

[DizzyDesii]

Yea i suggested that with guys i brozoned but felt comfortable around. Its like an escape because you can hang with someone you trust although you're not into em

[LEADFOOTboi]

@DizzyDesii how would you know it couldn't... ESCALATE? but you have valid points

[DizzyDesii]

@LEADFOOTboi it could but if she's like me, it won't. So I don't know... women think differently

[LEADFOOTboi]

@DizzyDesii maybe she was expecting him to just... you know... move in and sink his teeth into her and take her away...

[DizzyDesii]

@LEADFOOTboi in your own words “i doubt it”...

[LEADFOOTboi]

nahhhhh @DizzyDesii... i just think there's a possiblility of another thing... not that it's right

[winterfox10]

I'm sure that it mostly comes from years of experience trying to date men. There seems to be a widespread feminine agreement that having sex too early will ruin the relationship. I can see why they would think that way, from their view of things.

Besides, why wouldn't she want to put her best foot forward, if she's serious about the guy she's talking to?

[ManOnFire]

True points.

[Xoxocutekitty]

It sounds like she has a lot on her plate. 1) getting over an ex.. that's emotionally exhausting. 2) dealing with a fuckbuddy 3) hiding having a fuck buddy at work to avoid rumors 3) keeping up with her own social life (normal friends and family) 4) rejecting some guy because she's already too busy.

You mentioned that she is a co-worker. 100% she would try to keep her "image" as the type of person as someone who doesn't sleep around. Heck she may not even like her fuckbuddy that much, but with work relationships, you really only get one until that person either does something horrible first, it dies a natural death, or someone moves. You are also a co-worker so that would really be messy. It sounds like she has her life the way she likes it and you are the one side character trying to change things, and she's not really about to shift her focus to you.

[ManOnFire]

Everything you said was accurate up until the last sentence. I'm actually not trying to change anything for her. In fact I give her space like she needs at times. She actually will be the one to text me sometimes if I haven't said anything because she wants to make sure I'm not mad at her, which I am not.

[nelly83]

You never ever get into a relationship or even a sexual relationship with a coworker unless you want problems later on. It’s common knowledge. You don’t shit where you eat

[Anonymous]

I'll be blunt with you. This girl is an attention seeker. She's very outspoken of how desirable she is. Sorry.. even extroverted people who have empathy and a sense of awareness might understand, if you're saying this to a guy who has in a way reflected some interest this is a big red flag of her from my perspective. Life is too precious to waste time with people who are "playing" games. If you are feeling discourage or just not in the same line, is your decision and responsibility to "fade out of the scene", in a gentle way. You can reduce time hanging out with her, and go back to your own life and other activities in your free social leisure time.

[opnbuk59]

She's just trying to come up all there is to it, see will say whatever to look good on surface hoping dude don't have the skill to realize he's being conned

[Bandit74]

I don't really buy that.
Like "oh she's acting coy/avoiding being sexual with me that must mean she really respects me and likes me more than the guy she's casually fucking ".
Makes zero sense to me.

I think girls often do like the guys they hookup with. If there is unrequited feelings its usually the guy that doesn't want to commit to them. I think the biggest difference between the guys they sleep with easily and the ones they don't is not how much they like/respect the guy. Its how much sexual chemistry they feel for the guy. The guys they sleep with easily turn them on so much that they don't want to/ can't wait to sleep with them while the guys they act coy with either don't turn them on at all or to a much lower extent.