Confidence and Assertiveness is NOT a "male trait."

[Words_and_Wisdom]

Going to be dropping some nuanced opinions here. You have been warned.

I've been hearing this way too often on here:
"Why can't I get him to ask for my number?"
"Why won't he approach me?"
"How do I make myself more attractive to get guys to notice me?"
"Notice me senpai!!!"

Women, learn to take the initiative for once in your lives. Many of you are shutting out amazing opportunities by choosing to remain passive. Approach the guy you find attractive and start a conversation, ask for his number, and feel perfectly fine doing so. Just because you have a pussy, doesn't mean you have to act like one.

Assertiveness and Confidence are NOT "male traits." They carry a masculine nature, sure, but every human being has a masculine and a feminine presence. Creativity and emotions are feminine. Logic and goal setting is masculine. You are not restricted to either side. In fact, you should learn to hone and master all those traits no matter what set of sexual organs you happen to have.

"That's insane. I am a woman. I am supposed to get approached.
In my culture, women don't chase men. They get chased."

Conditioning and culture is no excuse for you not to have assertiveness and confidence, and it certainly is no excuse for you to feel uncomfortable approaching others. When you program yourself with such defeating thoughts, you do yourself a disservice by limiting your potential. You could be a leader, someone who looks up to you. You can be anything you want to be, but instead you keep feeding yourself the same dogma "but I'm a girl!"

If you're afraid of being called a 'slut' for doing so, then guess what? Confidence takes that worries away. Because why should you have to suffer for some stupid comment made from someone you don't even care about? Adopt an "I don't give a sh*t what you think of me. I'm still more of a bad*ss than you!"

Succesful people didn't wait for things to happen to them and they don't make excuses. They push themselves to try new things and experiment. They sought opportunities and they go after their dreams, not even paying mind to how difficult it may be. If you see a guy you find attractive, stop standing around with your thumb up your ass, go up to him!

Can guys get intimidated if they are approached by a woman? Sure. Women also can get intimidated when approached by guys, and guys can be more enthralled when a woman acknolwedges them out of the blue (I'm one of them.) We are dynamic beings. We all come in different flavors. Hell, many people in the world are transgenders (and this site does a poor job representing them in all honesty.) Having a phallus and a set of balls doesn't make me automatically like football and beer (though I do think about sex a lot.)

You don't have to sacrafice your identity to be confident and assertive. You don't have to change your interests and your career path to adopt a more powerful mindset. You don't even have to approach a lot of guys to find the one you like. Sure you can sit and wait for guys to come to you, and that may be working for many of you. But if that isn't working then you can either quit whining, make a change or accept it. Otherwise you're making yourself miserable. And no one likes women who make themselves needlessly miserable. So why not try something different and adopt an "alpha woman" attitude?

Women, you have nothing to lose by approaching a guy, but you have a lot to gain from it.

[xHoneyxBeex]

I love this and I completely agree! I also get tired of hearing SOME women whine and complain because they "never get approached." Men don't always have to be the ones to approach women. That's just a gender stereotype, and I enjoy challenging gender stereotypes. I have approached men before, sometimes I got rejected and other times it worked out in my favor. I mean, if someone is interested in someone else, regardless of gender, they should approach and not just sit around hoping the other person will approach them. Anyone is capable of taking the initiative to approach someone they're interested in and being confident about it.

[Elsa2ne1]

Yeah I mean before a girl starts complaining why a guy doesn't approach her she needs to think about why she isn't doing it herself? Shy, not confident enough? The ironic thing is thats the exact reason why he doesn't approach you xD. Unelss he isn't interested that is

[xHoneyxBeex]

Yes, exactly.

[Mesonfielde]

@Elsa2ne1 there are many people who won't approach unless there is actually a chance of success. If you don't show any interest, you won't be approached. It's simple and logical.

[moviedude714]

ya i'm sick and tired of also the male-female genital arguments for this, these are the annoying arguments i hear for guys having to be the initiators, they say:
us guys are equipped to penetrate, which is an act of aggression, Males have a penis, which equals aggression, females have a vagina, which means receiving. That’s it.", Penis - Erects, Goes out, Penetrates, Pushes in, Seeks, Discharges"

My arguments against those statements are that, does it still count as penetration when the girl is riding the guy on top, cowgirl? also, a vagina can discharge as well too, women push babies out

[moviedude714]

I need better references but apparently it's never supposed to be a priority since I'm a guy

[Azara]

Confidence and Assertiveness is NOT a "male trait."

I agree. I didn't read the article yet. (have to go) but i absolutely agree with the title anyhow lol Im always saying this. Its a disservice to women and men to think that way. Shuts out so many experiences and opportunities to grow.

and i love the Einstein quote ;)

if i can't respond after i read it- bc there's a one shot deal- ill just message you later ;-)

to anon. if someone to think you dont like him to want you you really dont want him it will NOT be a happy relationship.

personally id rather be with a guy bc he likes and respects m. not bc he likes the way my not having a personalty makes him feel good -by default.

people ho make people chase them end up with people who dont actually like their partner having any backbone whatsoever.

also going out in the wold ding things for yourself going after what you want this isa good experience for everyone to have. its character building. as is having someone come to you bc they just really really like you. everyone should get to experience both.

thanks for posting ;-)

[Words_and_Wisdom]

It's my pleasure to bring some insight. Am sure you will enjoy the article when you get around to reading the entire thing. ^^

[beautifulife]

yes, confidence and assertiveness are NOT male traits. In fact, to categorically place confidence and assertive as male traits and creativity or emotions as female traits is a huge fallacy biologically, and a completely socially misconstrued perspective. in fact, the fact people actually believe the stupidity of that concept without clarifying that it's some socially constructed category made entirely for the purposes of this article only, made me worry about the fate of mankind for a moment. aren't baby's IQ's supposed to be getting higher with each generation?

your article itself is riddled with biases and misconstrued notions about the female population. is it so hard to wrap your head around the idea that whether or not if a woman wants to approach a man is preference? just like how some men might find it emasculating when a woman forces her wallet on the first date, some women might have to swallow a mouthful of pride before approaching a guy who can't even muster the courage or find her worth it enough to say hello. It's preference. I want a guy to fight for me. i want him to step out of his comfort zone for me. my dad did that for my mother, my in-laws for their wives, my friends' husbands for them... I'm a busy self-respecting woman with a lot to give and little time to waste with men who cannot be bothered, so i prefer if he approaches me. is there something wrong with that?

i also want to note that for many females of the animal kingdom, men fighting for their selection is not new. dare i say the quality and quantity of suitors may even be a source of pride for many girls, regardless of the social construct they were raised in. i'd say women stand a lot more to lose throwing themselves out there vs. men, who are groomed, encouraged, and applauded to make the first move every time. what has a girl got to lose? her pride.

[molan]

"aren't baby's IQ's supposed to be getting higher with each generation?"

What on earth gave you that idea?

"i'd say women stand a lot more to lose throwing themselves out there vs. men"

No not really, it's the same feeling to get turned down in public for both genders.

"i want him to step out of his comfort zone for me"

True and that is why it is as it is, it's evolution baby. If a man doesn't have the guts to fight for his women, then he is most properly genetically inferior as well. Hence the women should indeed expect the man to have at least the guts to approach her.

[Bysshe]

@molan Presumably she's referring to this:

www.google.com.au/url

[jjodllwedo]

okay, okay okay. seriously i just feelt like i really needed to comment on this. of course i agree with you. a girl should just ask a guy could do it, ask someone they find nice/handsome/what so ever out. But dont forget that many girls, as boys, find it a really hard thing to do. and the worse thing ever from asking someone is being rejected. I realised this with girls being able to ask people out too thing way to late. But i plucked up a mayor courage and just realised that if i ever wanted someone in my life i would have to dare to ask someone out some day. I've so far asked 2 guys out. i wasn't rejected on the spot but they gladly agreed and seemed really happy that i had actually asked them, worse is that my confidence overall around guys sunk to the bottom of the ocean when the first guy i was hitting it of with really good then later on told me that he both had a girlfriend and a KID. not cause i found the fact that he had a child horrible or anything. But it was a chock to find out that he had hidden the fact that he had a family behind my back. worse part was that he was apprently known (i didn't know this though it seemed everyone else then me did) for being an massive manwhore. the other guy which i started texting me just told me to fuck off over a text conversation we had. he didn't want anything to do with me and instead of just saying that he told me to never speak with him again cause he was having a girl already. (like who the fuck agrees to go out with someone if they already are dating someone else?) im sorry for going off on a massive rant here. But your just taking it seem like a its an easy thing for girls to do. Just pick up courage and ask someone out after generations of being told that the guy should ask the girl out and not the other way around. its not as easy as it seems though I've stopped being as blind as i used to be and actually started asking guys out. its as hard for guys as it is for girls.

[dipta]

"Notice me, senpai", hmm, I wonder if guys aren't like that as well, or is that a feminine only trait?
Confident and assertive women have been around for a long, long time and showing it in other areas as well. Just because you don't go and flat out ask the person out, doesn't mean you're not approaching, initiating, carrying on conversation. It's up to the other person to pick it up if they're interested - it takes two to Tango.

The girls who can't get dates are the small minority of introverted or shy girls who may even be rude to the guy they've a crush on while running out of the room. Surprisingly, there are also many guys like that, who don't approach and are neither confident nor assertive, despite that being one of their "gender roles and traits".

Like someone else mentioned already, women don't pursue men the same way and that isn't a societal construct. We don't and won't go around hitting on 100 guys in hopes we can get a few of them to say yes like you seem to be trying to instigate because we don't want to, we aren't interested. The same way naked pics of men don't work for us the same way naked pics of women do for you.

[Mesonfielde]

there is no such thing as a "feminine only trait"

[Anonymous]

I like your take and I used to agree with it. I agree on assertiveness and confidence not being male traits. In fact I'll take it a step further and say that gender bound traits are a ridiculous notion to begin with. But I don't agree with pressuring women to be more assertive in dating (life yes dating no) and I'll explain why. Evolution has blessed women with the role of sole care taker for at least 9 months. I don't care how involved the dad is that baby is 100% dependent upon how that mother behaves for at least 9 months. Now imagine if a women was assertive and some guy said yeah I'll cave and accept your advances and she gets pregnant. His level of investment is low. He's done nothing but accept a freebee. Now think about when you search long and hard for a car and you put in hundreds of dollars and time into getting it to work just right. That cars your prize possession. No one damages that car because you'd fucking destroy them. Your invested in it. Women would most likely benefit from behaving in ways that encourage that same level of investment simply to ensure that that baby and her are well taken care of while they're in a vulnerable state of pregnancy and infancy. Fucked up I know but nature ain't fair and never claimed to be. Now relationships are a two way street I agree and no one should have to put in all the work but solidifying long term investment will always be more important to women than it will be to men. Some of the best ways to go about that is letting a man come to her. Encouraging him to spend more time with her and put in more effort. It triggers our natural sunken cost bias. But it's not that bad. One of the joys in life is learning to love another. Babies do absolutely no work in maintaining thier relationships. In fact they sabotage it constantly but loving those little buggars makes us feel useful and gives us a sense of direction and purpose. So assertiveness is great but I also believe women may benefit from waiting and watching

[molan]

Exactly mate, it's called evolution or as created, depending on your believe.

[DumpliingPrincess]

I'm all for this! All the relationships I've been in have happened because I took the initiative. However, I do believe that men lose interest if the woman does all the work. I have read time and time again that men want what they have to work for. So I think a good compromise to those would just be a 50/50 approach to dating. Woman should still take initiative by chatting up the guy they like, making their flirtations less subtle etc. but they should also not be clingy or rush into things and still have that "playing hard to get" sort of thing too.

[SakuraChii]

I haven't read the whole thing yet but I'll get right back to it, what I wanted to say is that some guys see girls that approach them as " thirsty" or "desperate" because they have to approach a guy and not the other way. I used to be shy in the past and I approach guys, So you can imagine how that goes for other shy women when they are rejected even women in general (not all) probably take rejection to heart because their not used to approaching men and some probably expect that since their a girl the guy will say yes since it's rare

[lizmorri]

And you are the only person I agree with on here. I'm going to quote the author of this article directly so he gets it. "Creativity and emotions are feminine". You mentioned how confidence and assertiveness are of a masculine nature and creativity and EMOTIONS are of a feminine nature. So this is why when a man is rejected by a woman yeah sure it kind of sucks but when a woman is rejected by a male, ITS A WHOLE OTHER STORY!!! she will remember that experience forever, it will hold her back from approaching another guy ever again, it will make her feel desperate and stupid and a bunch of other mix of emotions because just like the author mentioned himself, EMOTIONS are a strong FEMININE trait.

[SomeGuyInSomeCity]

Lizmorri, that's only true if the woman lacks any self worth. Rejection can only have that impact on you if you let it. Grow a pair of ovaries and move onto the next guy.

[Mesonfielde]

I agree. I don't even really understand the term "masculine" and "feminine" in this context. If you want to get something done and nobody else does it, then you should take the steps to get it done if that's what you desire. Having female genitalia should not stop you in that regard. People who choose to remain passive are just taking the easy way out making excuses not to have to step out of their comfort zone.

""Creativity and emotions are feminine. Logic and goal setting is masculine.""
You might use the term femininity and masculinity, but you need BOTH of these to eventually survive in the world - linking gender to either just halts progress.

It really is not about being "alpha". It's about making things go the way you intend. Sometimes you do need to make an effort, you can't always just sit back and watch if things go your way. They don't always do.

[Corsair427]

Back in June an extremely attractive girl approached me and changed my life forever, I had always been shy and made to believe I was ugly and couldnt get a date. I was 24 at the time and this girl went all out to date me, she gave me my first kiss and everything, we went on 5 dates, each time her telling me she liked me more and more, I would always get those "good morning handsome" texts and felt on top of the world!!! However one day she told me i was getting "too attached", and that we were "just friends" right now, and ended up really hurting me I learned a lot, and she completely changed my world, gave me the confidence i needed. All that because she decided she would go after me... you can change a life...

[racheloe95]

I think this is true, women need to be more assertive about if they like a guy. But it really does depend on the guys personality and if you like chasing them. I've chased guys only to find out they're personality was too strong even though I've been the one to initiate contact. Either they wanted to quick responses texting or would just call me all the time a freak me out. So I didn't want to continue a relationship and just ignored these guys. But if women initiate and find a guy that is assertive but calm and rational I think that's better. But everyone is different and you don't know until you try. So it's better to be available to whatever and then react accordingly.

[Margo7]

I love this. A friend of mine wanted to ask this guy she was interested in out, but never did because she thought he should approach her. Luckily, the guy was also interested and did approach her, but what if he hadn't, y'know? Then they wouldn't be dating right now!

[pyramid_princess]

I loved everything i read, i totally agree, with you. Im a confident and assertive person, but to be honest, i have always let guys do the chasing, just cos in my mind i have told myself if he chases me evidence he likes me enough, but after reading this. it has give me the incentive to sart doing some chasing myself haha

[Words_and_Wisdom]

Always warms my heart to see someone deciding to take positive change in their lives. :)

[molan]

Chasing or not, don't mean he like you (you body perhaps, but not you). However, it does show he has the guts to lead and dominate (can be positive or negative, all depends), something women are programmed to like.

[pyramid_princess]

@molan i love to be dominated!

[molan]

Yes, in the right way of course :) as I said women are programmed to like it.

In the old days they called it respect, women respected there husbands, but it's the same thing.

[pyramid_princess]

yes you are right, i dont like a man to control me, but i like him to take the lead sometimes

[errorgoodnameunfound]

Its overrated and stupid to just look for confidence and assertiveness. Too much most likely leads to arrogance which could create problems much worse. Our society is so screwed up that the good nice guys can't get shit and the arrogant dueshebags get all the girls cause they got "confidence". Bullshit. And girls got problems too in this situation. I'm a guy and I've heard TONS of bullshit about whos hot whos not even if the ones who "arent" are actually pretty cute. Looks shouldn't matter anyways cause not everyone is trying to look their best 24/7 cause they got more important shit to do with their lives!! People, stop giving into influences from the majority public that tell you what good looking is!!! Look at the fucking dove commercial!!

[L_gant]

Here's the reality, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLb-GaYwNoY watch this video it talks about why "Douchebags" get all the girls It's because all the "Douchebags" are Athletes and popular guys and they're good looking that is why they are confident and if you're going "Man I'll be slaying when girls start doing this!" You're wrong and it's because these guys are attracted girls so if girls started approaching men these "Douchebags" would still get girls.

[L_gant]

The reality is that the dudes who exhibit this traits are the men who would be approached by the women so if you're sitting here going "Ya if girls did this I would get so many girls!" That's not the case the reality is that the men who are getting girls would continue to get girls. While I agree with what is being said in this that women who complain they aren't getting guys should approach guys is true but this doesn't change anything for guys who aren't getting girls right now and this is something that I don't think people are understanding.

[Qwazihomo]

Skimmed it and seemed like you think men shouldn't have to make the first move and they should step up and chase us. However nice that would be women are supposed to be pursued, by us males must compete to attract a women since we are animals in the end its more our culture that tells us that girls should have to do things too to attract us. Men pursuing women and women sitting back is not a social construct its a species construct. If you were trying to convey a different message then disregard this.

[Ace-Chan]

No, I think he's trying to say that rather than waiting for a guy they are interested in to make a move (or possibly not make a move and let the opportunity pass) it would be nice if girls would, on a more common occasion, ask guys out.

[Anonymous]

Confidence and assertiveness are HUMAN traits not solely male traits. Some Men have taken the bait stupidly and think if they aren't approaching , asking out and paying for everything under the sun they aren't men Really does that define you as a real man? NO If a guy say about 19 or 20 years. old murders a human being and at his sentencing the judge asks him "hey have you ever approached a woman before , asked her out and paid for everything?" The guy says no so the judge says "oh you're not a "real man" then, so I have to sentence you as a juvenile" . What about the military? What if we got into a major full scale war and we didn't have enough people willing to go fight and the Usa was forced to bring back the draft. Will the military not consider a guy age 17 and older a real man? would that guy be excused from combat if he told them that he has never approached a woman, never paid for a date blah blah blah?

[AllHailMrPickles]

I'm very dominant and assertive. It seems like only a certain type of guy is into that and that's alright. I won't change for anyone.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

Certainly can't have enough dominant women. ;)

[rjroy3]

Being assertive and being dominant aren't mutually exclusive. Only a certain type of guy wants to be dominated. But most guys like an assertive women that goes for what she wants and says what she thinks/feels as long as she is still respectful and not condescending in any way.

[AllHailMrPickles]

Obviously?

[Zorax]

I like dominant and assertive girls ;)

[Sairres]

Bravo! I like your post and completely agree. If women would hone their masculinity and men would exercise their femininity, we'd all be better off.

[BenjaminUk]

Actually, I totally disagree with that comment. Masculinity and femininity divide are essential to everything in life. From a revolutionary perspective this will always remain a fact. I for one am motivated and inspired by the love of feminine and I am particularly masculine myself. I thoroughly enjoy being dominant and looking after my girl. I personally feel it's much more natural to be that way in any relationship.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

@BenjaminUk Everyone has a masculine and a feminine side. We are dynamic beings. Men can be creative and emotional, and women can be logical and goal-oriented. I identify myself to be slightly more feminine, but have a more of a balance than most people.
What works for you doesn't work for everyone. However, you should learn to openly explore your more feminine side once in a while. You might learn something new.

[BenjaminUk]

Although I fully take your point that everybody is different on board, I would not say that creativity, emotion, logic or goal orientated are either masculine or feminine. In my opinion, masculine and feminine divide should take place in a relationship between to human beings. This yin to yang approach is a proven recipe for success in any relationship. Take the bedroom for example; I would never want my girl dominating me in there, I want her to be submissive and in want be in control with her.

[Mesonfielde]

I think the idea of "femininity" and "masculinity" make near-zero sense.

[coffeprince]

"Assertiveness and Confidence are NOT "male traits." They carry a masculine nature, sure, but every human being has a masculine and a feminine presence. " your right, they sure aren't.. but they sure as hell are an attractive trait that both genders appreciate.

[Mesonfielde]

I'm not sure what masculine nature and feminine presence mean :D I think all humans are just humans with specific types of responses to specific stimuli based on previous data

[Briarrosebelair]

I agree with everything you said! The men I know lack it! I feel as if I have to make up for it and be very straightforward and confirming! But I would find it very attractive if someone did that for me instead. Truth be told, anyone loves the flattery of being pursued!

[shosho91]

Everyone loves the idea of being pursued it gives the feeling of being desired it begins to plant the seeds of happiness (these however can be delicate) and if nurtured by two individuals together can blossom into something amazing.