How To Avoid Hurting a Girl

[Anonymous]

Men.

Regardless of how experienced you may be, there will be times when you hesitate with a female - unsure of whether your words, or lack thereof, are rude, condescending or just painful to hear. Women are all different, but we're all human. We hurt and when we hurt, we hurt bad. And then we get fat.

I was recently hurt by a man I've held feelings for and the experience led me to writing this brief post on how you can possibly avoid hurting your woman, especially if she's as emotionally-ridden as I am. Now obviously varying degrees of pain are inevitable in most loving relationships (whether it be from jealousy, confusion, etc) but perhaps these suggestions can diffuse the tension a little.

1) decide if you're leading her on

How can you tell if you're leading a chick on? Well, does she text or call you constantly? Does she pay attention to the little things and care about what you're doing and when? Does she try to lock eyes with you during conversations? Ask questions? Show concern? Has she conveyed any sort of interest? If you're even the slightest bit suspicious of her liking you, decide whether this interest is mutual. Do you like her? If not, then stop right there and back the hell off.

2) don't play mister nice guy

Girls hear the line all the time. "I'm a nice guy." Well that's great, but it can confuse the hell out of an interested woman especially if we can't figure out whether you're being nice to us because you like us or because you're just nice. She may wonder if what you do for her, you do for every girl. By being compulsively nice to us, you're giving us hope - and whether that hope is false or not is wholly dependant on you.

3) words speak louder than actions

Establish the boundaries up front. If she seems interested and you aren't, make it immediately clear that you aren't searching for a relationship. Use an excuse if you have to, so as long as you avoid perpetuating a false hope. But if you ARE interested, then tell her exactly that. "I'm interested." Not only does it sound confident (which is kind of orgasmic, really) but she won't have to busy herself with the hassle of determinating whether you like her or not. She can skip the late night gossip with her friends that may persuade her otherwise, and head straight to the mushygushy stuff you both want. I know that it may be hard for you to do so, but it is infinitely less painful than waiting months only for her to realize that you were just being "mister nice" or vice versa.

4) don't make her do all the grunt work

For those who do like the girl. Sure, having the girl plan the date is fine once in a while but when she's doing it all the time, it makes her feel devalued. (This actually hurt me indirectly.) Exert some effort, suggest places and activities on your own. "Big Hero 6 at 7pm! You in? :)" It makes her feel wanted. Mutual effort is necessary here.

5) swallow your pride and boost her ego

Take a deep breath, now swallow. Girls are under a lot of societal pressure to look good. If we take the time (5 hours to be precise) to choose an outfit, mix and match shoes, and perfect our make up, we likely want you to notice. And compliment us. The impact of a mere "you look beautiful" is tremendous. We feel all fluttery inside.

6) pay attention to her and only her

Go ahead and joke about how hot that hooker across the street is, but pay exclusive attention to the girl you're with IF you like her. Try not to let your eyes wander to someone else's cleavage if you can avoid it. Trust me, we'll notice.

You may have noticed that most of these are communication based, and that's because communication is singlehandedly one of the most important things when conveying interest or disinterest to a woman. That is, if you don't want her picturing you in your birthday suit.

[ThisDudeHere]

1) decide if you're leading her on
Women play tricks and mislead men all of the time. It's all part of the game. Don't misunderstand, I'm not justifying the actions of either misleading males or females. I'm just saying women do this all of the time as well.
2) don't play mister nice guy
If one is generally a nice person, and being nice can mislead you, then how are men supposed to treat you without making you think that they’re in to you? For many men, it’s just social conditioning to treat women nicely.
3) words speak louder than actions
” But if you ARE interested, then tell her exactly that. "I'm interested."
Exactly the same thing applies to women, yet men are always told to just ‘know’ the right moment when to inquire about her supposed attraction. If he does so too soon, he’s a creep. If too late – well, he’s a slowpoke. Being indirect is not a female thing, and neither is it a male thing. Humans in general tend to not be blunt if they can.
4) don't make her do all the grunt work
Nothing to argue here.

5) swallow your pride and boost her ego
Would it be too much to just ask to swallow your ego and not to use makeup? By the way, a relationship is a give and take type of deal. You’re not entitled to compliments but you should be able to expect them if you compliment him as well. Tell him he looks handsome etc.

6) pay attention to her and only her
If a man instinctively looks at cleavage he should get a hold of himself, but if a woman instinctively looks at abs then that’s OK? This, again, applies to both. Besides, looking is one thing – everyone does that, but ogling or staring is something else entirely.

[myTake Owner]

You do realize that I'm looking at this from solely a woman's perspective? Of course some points can be switched around to the guy's side, but this article's intention isn't to speak about both.

Thanks for the input anyway.

[dartmaul15]

op, the thing is... you girls LOVE your lists. Ever wondered why you rarely see men making shit like this?
Either way, you LOVE listing things like this, and it makes things look one-sided. ESPECIALLY if you're listing things one can arguably claim women are worse at (such as manipulation, or about 4. we tried doing the grunt work. we ended up getting an "i don't know" ten time over followed by "why aren't you taking initiative".). It just makes you seem like a hypocrite.
And a protip for you. We guys don't like that.

[dartmaul15]

So please, i know most people hate religion, but try to listen to this at the very least.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

And i'm not only looking at OP, i'm looking at everyone. People are demanding others to follow rules they can't follow themselves, or to have standards they can't meet themselves. It's just backfiring, HARD

[ThisDudeHere]

I'm not religious myself but amen @dartmaul15

[dartmaul15]

hehe. As i say, "wonderfull, you figured your partner isn't perfect and thus human. Now, figure that about yourself too! Or do I need to call God, and have him check if he sent you?"
Hint, i LOVE sarcasm and cruel humor XD
Also i love the double morals in today's society. I mean, that's the difference between oogling body part A and oogling body part B? They're both equally objectifying.

[myTake Owner]

Calm thyself guys, these are not rules you have to obey. These are just SUGGESTIONS based on my own experience. Of course everything is subjective, I thought that was common sense? Should I have put DISCLAIMER JUST FUN ADVICE NOT SOLID LIFE CHANGING RULES in bold letters?

[ThisDudeHere]

Calm dawn yourself, no need to use caps lock on the internet, we can read you just fine.
And if you write something, expect any and all criticism.

[myTake Owner]

Oh, I accept criticism, and love it, when it's justifiable. Some of the points you guys brought up were valid, yet many were inaccurate or presumptuous. I apologize if I sound bitchy, it's sort of natural for me. I hope you all don't mind some counter-criticism. All for the love of learning, I guess.

[ThisDudeHere]

No problem.

[myTake Owner]

@ThisDudeHere My first comment to you was to ensure that you understand that this article does not necessarily have to encompass the male perspective when it's sole intention is to focus on the female's - it was nice to see the male POV to the points, regardless. You made some really valid points. But the ego bit irked me. I don't think you realize that women are under a LOT of pressure to look good. Personally, when I don't wear make up, I receive double the amount of insults than when I do wear it. Nobody takes me - or many women - seriously without make up. I actually used to walk around 'bare faced' all the time, and it was only recently that I started wearing make up due to societal pressure. Not sure if this is something a guy can understand but, thought I'd mention it anyway.

[myTake Owner]

@dartmaul15 I actually see many men making "lists" - I honestly wouldn't call that a female only trait. Just look on news/information portals, male and female authors use lists. Like I said before: everything is subjective, everything is arguable. That doesn't mean we can't talk about it. I feel like you're trying to point out the generalization evident in the article, but you're pointing out a generalization by generalizing - which makes YOU a hypocrite, man.

[ThisDudeHere]

Question out of curiosity - are you pressured by men or women? Besides, I of course know that women are pressured, it's pretty sad actually. I don't know if I'm rare or not but a natural face - even if it's somewhat pale or tired looking is somewhat more attractive to me than a 'mask'. If this kind of thinking even common? Because I get the impression that it's not due to my friends constantly commenting how I rate 'ugly' women far higher than they would rate them. What they'd call a 5/10, I'd call a 6 or 7. I know this rating is sexist, but I'm just using it for the sake of the argument.
My point being that, me being accepting of the 'ugly/tired' looking girls (which are just normal girls with no makeup) makes it look like I have lower standards and I don't know this is normal or not.

[dartmaul15]

take owner, you're using mainstream media as an example. Just, wow. And just, don't. you got any idea how many imes some of those posts have been edited. And that brings us back to jusging based on beavior here on GaG, and here i see lists from females A LOT more often than from men. I checked the recent takes, and on the first page there were 4 list based takes by girls, and 0 by women. Not a conclusive number, but certainly enough for me to stand on my claim.
Now, seeing as i can defend my claim, i believe it's time to over to the REAL post of it, my second coment and the biblical quote.
And no matter the gender, i see it too often. People demanding, setting requirements, drawing lines... but they NEVER look at themselves, and NEVER look at things from other sides.
This list comes through as one sided, especially since you assign traits to guys that females have generally been accused for. It just makes you look like a hypocrite.

[dartmaul15]

now, i am not saying you're the only one, quite the oposite. You're far from the only one i've seen, and guys and girls are just hyporcrites in different ways (at least based on my observations).

And the reason for this, i believe come from the massive consumerism and the need for instant gratification. Everyone look for what they want and say "mine", but never look at what they actually deserve. Because come on, if you act like a total bitch (rude behavior, creating drama, acting fake... that stuff) then you're a fool for expecting nice guys. And demanding the nice guy to change for you is even worse. Why should anyone change for anyone?
Yet sadly i see this too often. Peopl trying to "renovate" their SO, or people demanding more than they deserve. If people had just looked at themselves first and fixed their own shit right instead of demanding and taking (*cough* fat acceptance *cough*)... then earth would've been a much better place.

[myTake Owner]

@ThisDudeHere good question, and I can honestly say I'm not really sure. Might be a combination of both. I'd be willing to argue that it's mostly other women, at least for me. When I'm bare faced and dressed badly, and I'm surrounded by other women who are made up and look good, I feel somewhat intimidated. There's this innate competitive instinct among us. A woman's worst enemy being another woman holds true, after all. But of course, looking good triggers confidence too, which comes in handy around the opposite sex.

I've heard plenty of guys say that they prefer the 'bare faced' woman - so you aren't the only one! :) But I wonder if some mean it at all, or if they're merely saying that to conform. I've seen those who have said just that choose 'made up' women over bare faced ones. Hmmmm.

[myTake Owner]

@dartmaul15 you're using GaG as an example. Just, wow. Mind explaining how using random observations from a forum is more valid than using random observations from "mainstream media"? You do realize the ideas on here can fall under the category of "mainstream" as well, right? Again, you're accusing me of being hypocritical without realizing that you're being hypocritical yourself. I don't want to be mean, but your posts are somewhat ignorant. I don't see why listing things is such a big deal in the first place - it's a method to organize one's thought, regardless of gender. I already explained that this list is SUPPOSED to be one sided; it's called an "op ed" with a specialized perspective. I can definitely look at the guy's POV, but that is NOT the purpose of this article. I'm not sure what the point of your first comment was, as it was just a bunch of jumbled up thoughts.

[myTake Owner]

@dartmaul15 ahhh your second comment makes a bit more sense, and I like the lesson you're trying to instigate. You're right - people should look at themselves instead of trying to change others but if you think about it, when you love someone, you're willing to change for them. And unconsciously, you WILL change for them. It's inevitable. Both acceptance and change come with love.

[dartmaul15]

the reason i hold gag over mainstream media is because mainstream media is not reperesenting the individual, and i would argue it is to a much larger extent targeting a demography. Think about it. How many people has a saying in how something is writtten? How many of those know how to write to appeal to a demography (for example women)? So i feel the posts in mainstream medi have been processed by too many people to acurately represent the view of a gender or a person on this topic. instead it simply shows what the editorial office finds to be the strategically best way to form an article.

Here on gag however it's written by amateurs and only has a minimum of formating and content requirements. Th etexts does thus represent each individual more. Yes, i agree that only a small selection is not enough, and i stated this.
However the fact that GaG is representing the individual (something the media arguably does not), means it's in this case likely more acurate.

[Victoria_xoxo]

Why are so many articles are based on making women happy and not hurting them? Society teaches men to always stick by his women even if he doesn't love her anymore. If he leaves he is an ass and careless. Why don't we teach women to honor, appreciate, and love their man? That's not as much said as it should be

[Xonen]

After reading this I feel extremely guilty ~.~
As we speak I have a pending text conversation with a girl who I don't share mutual feelings of interest with. But she's my friend, and she knows that I'm interested in another girl (because I tell her whenever our conversations go into that realm). Is it still wrong and should I abruptly end our communications?

[Xonen]

Can you please give me some input on these @asker ~.~ otherwise im probably going to cry myself to sleep

[AshleyMD]

I think the asker was just talking about guys giving girls the wrong idea. If she's not interested in you, I dobt her tips apply to you.

[Xonen]

Well I think I worded my initial opinion a bit poorly. The girl is most definitely interested, but I'm not. She's my friend though, so I still like texting her.

[sawno]

What i have always struggled with is when or how to let her know i am interested. You say its a good thing if you do but can you give me some advise on that?

[myTake Owner]

I'd prefer it to be as early as possible and bluntly. Not one for charades, and I'm sure she wouldn't like a wild goose chase if she feels the same.

[p0rtis26]

It is simple sawno, show the girl you are interested by talking to her and slowly you will get to know her. If a girl continues to talk to you even though she could obviously be other places bring out the flirt in you. If she responds well to that, put some smooth moves down and see how she responds to those. After the moves you should easily know where you stand. Now be confident and tell her how you feel. I just would not do it all romantically. I would do it by complimenting her on her looks, personality, or character. Then you can say something such as "I really enjoy spending time with you so and so would you like to study at this time or do this with a group of friends.. anything to get to be with her but depending on how confident you are you can play it coy and see if she still wants to be around you.

[p0rtis26]

@sawno

[kheserthorpe]

This take was hilarious.

Only like 10% of guys do these things.

It just seems to many women like 'guys' do these things, because those 10% are players.

4, 5 and 6 players do on purpose, because it makes them more, not less, successful with women.

[Attila]

because I like girls in makeup... makes them look more feminine rather than some dude in middle school

[Anonymous]

To ensure a woman is absolutely happy you need to be into light BDSM, you being the slave, 24/7. Understood.

[kep79]

If you're human why do you hide your humanity behind make-up?
She must seem interested but he has to be clear.