Going out with an emotionally detached girl? Will she get better?

[Anonymous]

Said emotionally detached girl has not fallen for any guy before. Maybe she had a crush or two, but that was it.

She treats dating as a serious issue of commitment and trust, so she will refuse to date anyone until she is 100% certain that guy is the one she will marry. Hence no matter how hard a guy tries, she will never admit to liking him, or allow herself to like him.

She is INTP in the Myers-Briggs test, so she's emotionally detached. She doesn't appreciate romantic gestures. She doesn't express concern or interest for anyone or anything unless it's a topic that she really loves. So she seems distant or uncaring to others. Even her gal friends she will ignore or try to change topic if it's a boring topic.

And being INTP, she can be very blunt with her words. She is very direct in telling others about her insensitivity, so she can easily filter out people who wouldn't get along with her.

---

Given all these emotional issues, do you think such a girl has any chance of "discovering romanticism"? Like... being able to feel true passion for a guy? Being able to soften her words, show concern for her guy?

Or would she still be the same girl as she is?

I'm going out with said girl, and I have my doubts. Right now my infatuation with her is overriding some of my doubts, but I fear once the honeymoon period wears off, or maybe even post-marriage, I might find her unbearable.

She might get more emotional if she falls for a guy

She'll stay emotionally detached

Updates

+1 y

by the way she isn't just emotionally detached like, not showing her emotions. She's also terribly engrossed with talking about herself (which is great sometimes, we don't find it hard to chat). I have to literally prompt her to ask about me like

Updates

+1 y

"You know you haven't even asked me what I'm working as or working at? Do you even know when I'm starting work?"

[Azara]

Sorry sounds fancy and deep but -no. thats Bs.

She wouldn't be seeking a marriage partner if she was emotionally detached. Just bc she's not expressive doesn't mean she's detached. It means she reserved and her not getting serious with just anyone means she's discerning.

If she is so not intersted in people why does she have friends and why us she seeing you.

I think she's dishonest with herself. Big big emotionally detached.

Anyhow she won't likely automatically become expressive or want to be commited. If that's important to you you guys aren't compatible.

If she's telling you she's not hobbyist be serious with you yet she's daring you then she's playing games.

What does she say she want from you? Not her Test results or her daring methodology... What does she want with YOU... See what she says. If that fits with what you want carry I'm. If not if leave if just keep it casual. If you're ok with casual Cary on. Big DONT go in thinking you'll change he if she changes she'll feel a loss of control resent the situation. If she doesn't change you'll Resent the situation.

[Asker]

You make so much good points. She's not seeking a partner, she's looking for friends to have fun with. But I want to date her, not just have fun. And what you're saying about her being discerning, that's true too. She won't go out with anyone until she's very very sure she found the right person.

She wants to wait and see. That fits with what she says and does. She's using her test results to show that she's this type of person, so that I can understand that INTP persons are like that and this is how they roll.

I NEED to have her change, I can't do it like this. But i dunno, if she does get interested in me, would she become more... interested? More curious, more concerned, that kind of thing. That's what I want to find out from her. If it's a no, I can't live with her the way she is right now.

[washize]

I didn't chose an answer because people like this express their love, affection, and admiration in other ways. They do it through their actions, more so than their words. They are protective and caring. They may not be as physical or vocal about their affections, but they do have emotions and attachments. These emotions and attachments simply aren't expressed in the traditional way.

With these types of men and women you really have to prove yourself. You have to prove your loyalty and commitment as a friend first. They are very selective people, they just don't let anyone into their lives. You need to appreshieate them for who they are. They'll never be super emotional or verbal about their feelings. But they are very expressive with their actions.

[Asker]

I think I sort of get what you're trying to describe. I guess I can understand such a person, but I can't appreciate them. :( For me, I rely a lot of people's reactions and physical cues. So I enjoy being with someone who's more... expressive.

Thanks for your comments. :) It was quite descriptive.

[washize]

No problem glad I could help.

[Marihorror]

I'm also INTP, but it isn't an excuse for being self centered. That's just her own flaws. I personally hate talking about myself and am more of a listener in conversations. However I do agree that the "T" causes her to be a more logical thinker rather than an emotional person which I can identify with. But this also is not an excuse for being unappreciative of romantic gestures. Once again, that's her own personal flaw which the test does not assess. Being a "T" simply means that we think with our heads rather than our hearts.

[Asker]

https://16personalities.com/intp-personality
That's true. She is quite an extreme form of it.

Since you do know your type, just something out-of-topic, have a read at this. I like how the descriptions are fairly accurate, at least for mine at least (INFP) https://16personalities.com/intp-personality

[Asker]

oops double link post.

[Marihorror]

"They may appear to drift about in an unending daydream, but INTPs’ thought process is unceasing, and their minds buzz with ideas from the moment they wake up. This constant thinking can have the effect of making them look pensive and detached, as they are often conducting full-fledged debates in their own heads, but really INTPs are quite relaxed and friendly when they are with people they know, or who share their interests. However, this can be replaced by overwhelming shyness when INTPs are among unfamiliar faces, and friendly banter can quickly become combative if they believe their logical conclusions or theories are being criticized."

Spot on!

[Mesonfielde]

I am fairly cautious and detached unless I am actually in a relationship. People do find it odd. But she will probably never be intensely expressive, though.

[Asker]

that is rather depressing for me to know. :/ What kind of girls do you then to look for, then? Those with about the same kind of personality as you?

[Mesonfielde]

Well, similar to me, yes. I relate to those who are similar to me the most. Intense expressiveness - if she does not look like one to react very energetically to situations around her, maybe even getting a gift or so, then it is likely that her reactions are just not that intense in general. Personally I am into physical affection, hugs and stuff, so romanticism is a possibility, not all is lost - it really depends on how much she suppresses of her behavior to be calm and collected. And I cannot tell you that from here. But the obvious fact is, if she can just limit it this way, then she isn't really dependent on it, aka she doesn't seem to crave it that much. She might still appreciate it. (Still talking about romanticism.)

[Asker]

Hmmm icic. Thanks for sharing your personal feelings on this! I think she likes receiving things, but she doesn't "feel" it. Like... receiving a gift is good, but she might not be able to appreciate the effort or intentions.

Well anyway, it seems like she's not going to change much..

[Mesonfielde]

I wouldn't advise you to give up completely, but I would say don't hope for a 150% change into your typical bubbly extrovert girl because she's clearly not one of them. If she didn't link it to marriage it'd be so much easier. I mean really, the problem with this is her approach, if she's doing everything in her power to preserve her "true self" only for whoever she truly likes, then she'll get eliminated each time for holding too much back as you can't really get to know her. Basically, she seems to stress on this too much, but I might be in the wrong here. How balanced does she seem?

[Asker]

If by balanced you mean her state of mind, then she's pretty normal. Close friends might report that she seems a little insensitive or talks too much about herself sometimes, or takes trust very seriously. She's well educated too, and isn't too stubborn I suppose.

Oh and I think you mixed up 2 things. First is her unwillingness to date anyone she doesn't trust. Second is her natural tendency to be emotionally detached, even to her best of friends. And I suppose a third thing is that, she only cares about the things that interests her.

I was just curious if... I can clear the first obstacle and become a person of interest to her, can I make use of the third point? If I become something she cares about, maybe she'd be less emotionally detached to me. That's sorta what I meant haha.

[Asker]

But it seems she'd remain persistently detached regardless, based on what you mentioned. :(

[Mesonfielde]

Actually I still voted A). I'm just saying she's probably never going to be as attached as you would see among some people. It can still work, it can still be balanced. Honestly, I don't want to dishearten you. You should try and see for yourself if you can establish a proper relation with her.

The real question is, how well do you know her?

[Asker]

Very well I think. She hasn't exactly been hesitant to tell me exactly how weird she is.

[juliet1232]

Well, You Know How SShe Doesn't Care For Romantic Gestures? Do Everything To Make Her Want To Be Closer To You. Anything That A Girl Would Like. Do It. Get To Know Everything About Her. I Mean Everything! Be As Romantic As You Think Possible. You'll Bring Those Emotions Right Out Of Her.

[Asker]

I did do it. She laughed and said it was nice. She mentioned that I was like her sister, being so romantic and emotional, but her sister always complains she didn't understand.

[DasBlaueKonigin]

My ex was like this. Exactly like this. He showed me his emotions after the honeymoon stage as well. She will get better. You need to make sure she falls for you as well though.

[Asker]

That's surprising to hear! .. But did he show interest in what you did before that? Cause for my case, it wasn't just emotions. She was literally pretty much engrossed in talking about herself, and I needed to even prompt her to ask about me. Like "You know you haven't even asked me what I'm working as or working at? Do you even know when I'm starting work?"

[DasBlaueKonigin]

Oh that's weird. He did. He literally would not leave me alone.

I think she could be narcissistic.

[Asker]

Oh okay. I think your case is more acceptable then lol.
Yea... narcissism could be it too. Well I will wait a while for her to see if she gets better first, or I can't tolerate it first. :/

[DasBlaueKonigin]

I don't think you should do that. This is a huge red flag. I say break up with her. Your time is precious and there is a girl out there who is better than this one.

[Asker]

But I told her I was gonna make her mine... and that was only just 1 week ago. I don't think I'm making a sound decision if I keep flip-flopping like that. Feels like a mood swing, and mood swings can't be trusted.

[DasBlaueKonigin]

Ah true. Alright go for it. Try to control her narcissistic side though.

Lol it took my ex a month before I let him make me his. You are fast.

[Asker]

oh no, you are mistaken. She hasn't let me yet. ;) That was only me saying I was refusing to give her up. So I kinda have to try at least a while to see how it goes haha.

[DasBlaueKonigin]

Lol oh.. Well keep trying. She could also be doing what I did. I tried to get my ex to hate me so he would leave me alone. I laughed in his face when he asked me out once... LIGHTLY insulted him, avoided him and stuff.

Before you judge me, I told him like six times that I didn't like him that way!! So she could be doing what I did.

[Asker]

Could be. She was quite insistent on saying no, but I seemed to have tried so hard that she's willing to give me a chance. ... But now I'm not sure if I want that chance. I just tried chatting with other girls and it was far more refreshing. I wish I had that clarity earlier in the relationship.

But I'll still wait around a while. It feels rude of me to finally convince her to give me a try just to give up.

[DasBlaueKonigin]

You could just tell her that you decided to respect her wishes and leave her alone but it is your choice.

[Asker]

Oh. That sounds good. I'll keep that in mind should I ever need to use it, thanks! :D

[DasBlaueKonigin]

No problem!! :)

[rosegarden]

I'm an Intp and I am detached also. I also forget sometimes to ask people about themselves. And my thinking is annoying sometimes I think if scenarios in my head.

[misscocobutter]

I dont think she will change. She's sounds incompatible with you. Why don't you move on before it's too late

[Asker]

I am thinking about it. I'll give myself a chance to change her too. 1 year or so. If I fail to change her, I'll probably leave.

[misscocobutter]

Why woul you want to waste a year trying to change somebody into something they aren't. Sounds like a waste of time

[Asker]

.. true~. I've known her for some time now, I guess I'm a bit unwilling to drop her that quickly.

[misscocobutter]

Well there must be something you like about her, is it just superficial things? If so there's no substance to the relationship. She's not making you happy, I can't see hee changing.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she needs some help. I honestly think for things to be as bad as they are something in her past really bad had to happen for her to be that closed off on love. Try to be friendly with her & take it slow. Maybe she'll open up to you. You might just end up with a girlfriend at the end of it.

[Asker]

Nothing happened with her, I think. She's just very cautious about trust and relationships in general. And believes nothing is wrong with her. I mean like, she knows she's weird, but she wouldn't change herself for the sake of others. That's why she's so blunt too. "Good for keeping away those that can't tolerate me anyway"

I feel like if I try hard enough, I could get her to be my girlfriend. But the issue is... I don't think I can survive having her like this, because I wouldn't be able to stand it! She's too emotionally detached. She literally ignores you totally, or at most, gives a one-word answer if the topic isn't something close to her heart.

[Opinion Owner]

Try showing her what it's like to have someone to trust and respect. She had to have had some traumatic experience as a child or teenager that has put her here. I know any person who has a bad past to hide will act a serait way. This may just be her way of disguising her true inner feelings. For her to be that cautious is a huge red flag on something is eaten her up inside. Maybe it was someone she did fall for who hurt her to the point where she feels she can't trust people again.

[Asker]

Maybe so. I'll try to give her some time to show more of her feelings, though I'm not very hopeful. :(

[Opinion Owner]

Don't be so doubtful. Try to show her your different from everyone else. I hope it works out for you because you really deserve someone who respects and loves you.

[Anonymous]

don't waste your time. a yr. is too much...
let her be. there are other girls who are ready to be loved by you.

[Asker]

I know... but I also need some time to slowly give it up too. So I'm like gonna just partially wait and drift away at the same time. If by the time a year is up and nothing improves, I'll probably be quite distant already.

That's my plan at least. I might get drawn back though, but i hope not.

[Opinion Owner]

how often do you spend time with her? talking, texting her?

[Asker]

Almost daily. Most of the time she's talking about herself. I have to practically prompt her to ask about me. =.=

[Opinion Owner]

she doenst have feelings for you. you will only get yoursefl too deep into her.

spend your energy on other things, other girls, who will feel the same as you.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

intp or autistic?

[Asker]

I'm not too sure either. I think a bit of both. All the socially awkward or socially insensitive people perhaps.

[Anonymous]

Those hardest to love, need it most.

[Asker]

Not quite a charity though. I want to be happy too.