Girls, why do you agree to meetup/hangout and then ghost?

[jabariw18]

I've asked this question before and got no female responses. I mean, I get that sometimes there are circumstances that influence it. Maybe she was afraid to say no, etc. However I've had this happen more times than I can remember where I meet a girl, we talk, everything is 100% cool. We text back and forth, eventually we agree to meetup (sometimes her idea, sometimes mine) and then as soon as we make a plan or like literally the night before we we meet up, poof, she vanishes. I've only ever had one girl in my entire life actually follow through with a meetup. (Yes at 28 I've literally only had one date ever and it turned into a wonderful 2 year long relationship) This most recent one we've been texting for about a week. She seemed very sincere.

We were supposed to meet up at her place at 1:30pm tomorrow. So today I sent her a snap asking for her address and she read it without replying. I waited a few hours and texted her again saying "?" and then I sent one more saying: "If it makes you feel more comfortable to send it tomorrow then that's understandable." She has yet to even read those latter two texts at all and it's currently 1am. Seriously what's the point? No I didn't say anything weird or pushy or creepy and no nothing was sexual. Everything was lighthearted, friendly, a lot of joking, laughing, etc. I even told her I was going to buy some alcohol for us which she seemed extremely excited about. I just picked it up when I texted her. Already wasted the money on it.

Do you do this alot? Why? It's super freaking annoying and it's to the point where now, every time a girl agrees to a meetup, in my mind I'm already telling myself "She's gonna ghost." I wish I was exaggerating but I promise you I'm not.

Yes I do this because I just like the attention but don't actually wanna meet.

Yes I've done this but only a few times because the guy was a creep.

Yes I've done this because I ended up meeting someone better before our date.

No I don't do this, I don't like wasting anyone's time.

Yes because other (please explain)

Updates

+1 y

Update: She actually ended up replying. I drove 3 hours to go see her. Once I was about 15 mins out she texted me asking me how I was coming along. I told her I was 15 minutes out. Once I arrived I texted and called her with no response. I sat there and waited for over 20 minutes, still no response. I then sent her a snap basically asking her wtf and she immediately blocked me. I had specifically asked for her number just to avoid that from happening. Needless to say that is 6 hours of driving t

[AmandaYVR]

I'm sorry, jabariw. You sound like a good guy (I read some of your other stuff too.)

I'm probably not the right person to be answering this, as I'm older than you and am married, not dating now. We did not have this same technology when I was dating for a decade at your age. However, I do have a theory, and let me just say one suggestion...

I think you may be suggesting a meetup too soon. You can figure the girls are [fill in the blank here - but something derogatory], but whatever the reason, you don't want it to keep happening right, so try getting to know them a lot more before you suggest the meetup. They may be stringing you along for I don't know what reason, but let's presume they are spooked/wary. Maybe you prefer face-to-face, and that's great. It is by far the superior way to get to know someone. But try first deepening these online conversations you're having. They need to feel comfortable in order to meet a stranger somewhere. You can also try changing where you meet, so that it's very public, inexpensive as a date, and never at someone's home.

I'd also say, talk to them on the phone first. An actual voice call. Y'all need to learn some better communication. If they won't do that, don't bother. You need to hear that both of you are real people, and instill at least a little trust in each other. You're more likely to waste your time if this is a text-only set-up. Force their hand. It's the least they should do. No phonecall, video chat, no meetup. Good luck.

[jabariw18]

It's not always my idea to meetup. Sometimes its theirs and even when its the latter, they still ghost on me. Also I prefer "getting to know them online or on phone first" but they are always super flaky. The average girl only responds to a text like 1-2 times a day. Actual conversations rarely happen so as soon as an opportunity to meetup happens I usually jump on it since a conversation is otherwise impossible.

[AmandaYVR]

If they won't talk to you, they're even less likely to actually meetup.

I don't know why they would suggest meeting up and then cancel. That's why I didn't reply to that comment.

If they're not responding to texts, they're either:
1. Flooded with meaningless texts
2. Too busy to respond that quickly/that much
3. Your texts are not interesting or unique enough to be worthy of responding

I still think you're jumping the gun.

[jabariw18]

Well as I said, I don't get very many responses to begin with so that's why and I also don't know why they say yes if they mean no. I've had girls tell me "I'd rather talk here a bit longer and see where things go." Which is respectable and fair. But again more often than not they don't respond often enough for things to even go anywhere and please don't assume I'm boring. It's usually them responding with like one-word answers and not responding very often. Not me.

[aicarg]

I've personally given dating apps a try once via Bumble - it flopped as the guy just didn't present himself to be as open as I imagined him to be when we texted and though I gave him a try, the more I got to know him and his habits, I found that we clashed.

Personally, I can't find a potential S. O. through dating apps, I find most guys are just in it for hookups or to flirt and boost their ego. I always found my most lasting relationships were through dating within inner circles or having a date arranged by a close friend.

[jabariw18]

I rarely get given a chance at all on or offline. The rare times I do, I end up in the situation described in the OP. The simple luxury of me and a girl talking and getting to know each other rarely happens.

[aicarg]

I'm sorry you got ghosted. I can only imagine the feeling of being stood up after you've put all that effort thinking you've established something and have a chance only to get blown off. I wonder if the girl actually thought if SHE had a chance, wondered if YOU would have really pulled through, if she was simply flirting and chatting to get an ego boost? there's many possible reasons - we can't possibly know. All I know was that it's unfair on your part and I hope you don't let it crush your soul.

I urge you to make connections organically may it be through work, through a group of friends, through those you've met at a fitness club, those you've met at a convention... I feel the most meaningful relationships start from having a commonality with the person and actually knowing some background on them. Keep faith @jabariw18

[jabariw18]

Yeah that's hard when you don't really have any friends though. I'm an introvert and I'm shy. On top of that I've lived in my current state for less than a year and don't really know anyone here. I did ask a girl out back in December and guess what? She flaked too. After I confronted her about it I was cool and calm and just wanted to eliminate the awkwardness. She was grateful and told me "Yeah I just want to focus on this class and I don't wanna be distracted with relationships." Well yeah guess what? She has a boyfriend now. Happens all the time.

[Pennypolish]

I don't get it either! This keeps happening to my little cousin. Except- he meets them out on Saturday, they text/snap all day Sunday---then he will ask for a date, she agrees----then POOF- nothing.

I wish I knew why they did this-but know you're not alone :(

[Laydagoat__]

Cus when it’s time to actually meet it can be stress full especially overthinking about making a good first impression. And also a lot of the times the “do you wanna meet” question gets brought on too early.

[jabariw18]

Well if it gets brought on too early then why not just say "Let's get to know each other a bit more first." I can't think of a single guy who would have a problem with that. And yes meetups are innately stressful, more so for us guys. WE are the ones who are supposed to impress. WE have to maintain a poker face of confidence even if we are shy and be "manly" and dominant.

[Laydagoat__]

You have a point. Maybe some girls don’t let them know it’s too early because they don’t want any judgement from the guy or make the guy feel like their rejecting them or vice versa. But Guess I can’t really say much since I don’t really do the whole online dating thing lol.

[jabariw18]

Same thing happens to me in person too, just not as bluntly. Last girl I asked out in person, she is a classmate of mine and I asked her if she wanted to grab lunch after class. She said sure. Of course in my mind I was thinking (That's code for ghost.) Sure enough once class ended. She texted me telling me she's gonna stay after and get caught up on some stuff. Fortunately she was at least courteous enough to reschedule for Monday. Monday comes along and she doesn't even so much as make eye contact with me the entire day and doesn't say a word, even after class ended. Next thing I know she's giving someone a ride home, didn't even bother telling me until I noticed it. Needless to say I brought it up later and told her that it's very clear she's not interested and I can take a hint but for the sake of not making things weird, let's just squash it. She thanked me for being cool about it. Ofc she subsequently friendzoned the fuck out of me and told me I was super handsome and super smart and polite and all of this other awesome shit about me. She said she wasn't looking to be distracted by dating because she wanted to put all of her focus into this class. Yeah well guess what. She has a boyfriend now...

[Laydagoat__]

A lot of girls just flirt to Entertain because they have nothing better to do. Be more careful of who you talk to. If you want a girl that’s gonna take you seriously make sure she’s on the same page before taking any big steps and really get to know her. I’m sorry for you though I know that probably hurts and is irritating. Maybe try finding someone offline

[jabariw18]

I've tried that before. It doesn't work. Any time I'm very straightforward from the beginning it's an instant turnoff and I get friendzoned.

[jabariw18]

And again yes I have tried dating offline. That's the whole reason I gave you the example of the girl from my class.

[Miss_Ayumi1]

Some men do this as well for different reasons as well as some women

[jabariw18]

I don't hear of men doing it nearly as often. Generally if a guy wants to meet up, he meets up lol.

[Just_a_human]

Whose idea was it to meet at her place? That's an odd location to meet someone for the first time

[jabariw18]

It was my idea. I suggested a bunch of things before eventually we both mutually came to the realization that nothing is going to be open. I then specifically said "I would suggest your place or my place but I don't wanna come across as a Netflix and chill guy." She told me it was totally fine and she'd rather her place since she has no car.

[Just_a_human]

Are you 100% sure that she was an adult? I've heard of many teenagers getting on those apps and taking things too far

[jabariw18]

Well she worked at a gas station and had a tattoo and a few piercings.

[nailsandhair]

maybe it would be better if you suggest meeting in public rather at her place or your place that way your date would feel safe meeting you for the first time.

[jabariw18]

I have. Almost every time actually. Also it's not always me who chooses the place. In this particular case we both brainstormed several places and then I specifically said "It's gonna be hard during this quarantine, I would suggest one of our houses but I don't want you to think I'm trying to Netflix and Chill."

[TacosRAwesome]

I've cancelled on dates because I wasn't feeling social or I realised I wasn't into the guy.

[jabariw18]

I just think it's kinda a messed up thing to do. You shouldn't say yes if you're unsure.

[Suchismita]

I do.!
And i can't stop doing it 🙄

[jabariw18]

Why?